Why is it that you always only realize what you had when it's gone?
It's a very common saying, that, I think, everyone has heard of. Somehow, though most people do believe it to be true, they don't follow what it implies: always take your chances, and never regret.
And "people" includes me.
Though in my case, it's more "what you could maybe have had", but that's enough, isn't it?
I never allowed myself to think about it. Well… anyway, not after my heart had been broken.
I never allowed myself to get my hopes up again after she was gone.
What mistakes people can make.
I mean, yes, of course, he didn't see me that way, I know it. But still, I could have tried. Look at my best friend, she'd have managed.
Truth was I was afraid. I enjoyed being his friend too much, after having experienced being bullied and ignored by him (both weren't his fault!).
I enjoyed sitting next to him and hearing him talk, watching him laugh and maybe laughing along. I enjoyed thinking about him, when I lay in bed, and sometimes reveal to my best friend how much he really meant to me.
But I didn't take it seriously. I mean, we were… are… so young…
This meant that, on one hand, it was likely to be only a crush that would go away over the years, and on the other hand, I still had plenty of time.
And now… it's over.
OVER.
He. Is. Not. Coming. Back.
He is dead.
DEAD.
It still feels so surreal.
Even as I saw him barely being able to hold himself up, I didn't think about him dying… not really.
But as I was outside in the air, the thought occurred to me that I might, just might, be too late, too slow.
I swear, I don't remember ever flying so fast. It was also then that, without thinking about it, I knew that I couldn't be happy ever again if he died.
That sounds weird, for a girl my age… and I have amazing friends and family, but it's true.
And I didn't want him to die that way, alone, probably in pain…
and without ever knowing that I loved him.
I wanted to tell him how I had always dreamed of touching his hair, wondering how it would feel, and how I noticed that his eye colour changed with his mood, just a little bit, but I noticed, because I had looked at his eyes so many times, when I could be sure he wouldn't see me. I had even drawn them (no one had ever seen the drawings).
I wanted to tell him how I loved his smile and his humour and how my heart skipped a beat when he smiled at me our touched me in whatever way.
I wanted to tell him right away.
But I couldn't… I can't… Can't… anymore.
I think something shattered inside of me the moment I saw him there, lifeless….
I don't feel like a little girl anymore. I can't sleep. I can't think of anything else.
The things he could never do. The people he never met. The things he never said, did.
People that don't like him, that have a wrong opinion of him.
I can't stop myself from crying.
I'm sure now… but it's too late.
I will never tell him I love him.
I shivered a bit in my summer dress and wished I had brought my cardigan with me.
Even though the sun shone, a quite cold wind blew… something I hadn't noticed when looking out the window.
I turned around a corner, and I felt another strong gust of wind, this time coming from behind… but it was warm. Something told me what… or who the cause was, and I closed my eyes… waiting….
"Hey! Wait for me", I heard the anticipated call.
I turned around a bit to see him walking towards me with the usual spring in his step, smiling.
I refrained from smiling too much, raised my hand to wave a little, and said "Hey", too.
It was a bit embarrassing, but I still felt utterly happy when I saw him walk, and smile, and talk…
I waited until he was beside me, then I started walking again.
There was a pause during which we both just stayed quiet and looked ahead, but it wasn't unpleasant.
Then I felt him turn to look at me and then say "I like your hair today."
To be true, it totally caught me off guard.
It wasn't actually the first time he had paid me a compliment, but it had always been about my drawings or my grades or something like that, never about my looks.
And I didn't expect it because, well, I really wasn't that beautiful, and even though I liked my hair, I didn't do anything special with it, today I was wearing a headband, and not a special or even new one.
"Er… thank you", I managed to choke out, hoping my voice sounded acceptable.
There was another pause, this time a bit more uncomfortable, at least for me, because in my head, there were thousands of ridiculous, contradicting thoughts.
They said "I know you don't think I'm beautiful, how can you? I am not", "Does that mean he likes me?", and even "Should I compliment him, too? But for what? I like everything about him".
And I had the desire to shake my head to get rid of them, but I didn't want him to think I was crazy.
In my confusion, I didn't realize that he was obviously also struggling with something.
"What am I saying? I like your hair everyday. Oh, that sounds stupid. It's not only your hair I like! My God, I'm talking nonsense…"
It took me a while to realize he had just spoken, and then another few seconds to understand the meaning.
Not only that he practically said he liked me (not even I could deny that), he actually sounded unsure and I think he was also blushing.
I couldn't think of an answer. But I wanted to say something. Anything. Otherwise it would seem like… like… I don't know.
I mean, there was still a chance he didn't mean it that way. He wasn't the type who thought much before they spoke.
Was there even the slightest chance he could like me? True, somehow… I had had the feeling he had changed a bit towards me, being friendlier, maybe…
"I… er…"
Shit. What was I going to say? My mind was blank.
But then he stopped walking and looked at me, I realized we were just a corner away from our destination.
He looked at me expectantly.
I couldn't quite figure out what look he had in his eyes. He looked a bit stuck-up, like he usually did when he talked to younger kids or ones he didn't like, but I could still see some vulnerability in them, I think…
"What exactly did you mean by that?" I asked, trying desperately to leave any emotion out of it and ignoring my quite flushed cheeks.
"Well, I meant that I don't only like your hair, but everything about you", he answered, his tone cold but a little smile playing at his lips, and I had the feeling he knew exactly what I was thinking.
Because all I wanted to know was if it was meant as a compliment or as a confession.
The first one would have made me really happy, yes, and though even the thought of a confession made my heart nearly stop and my knees weak, I was still… afraid.
"er… so… I like you too, what's the big deal?", I said, looking him straight in the eye, even though I knew my face must've looked like a tomato by now.
I never knew what happened then.
Somehow, he let everything drop, all pretending and playing, and I will never forget the way he looked at me.
"I love you", he said, just like that, looking at me with eyes and a smile that proved just what
he had said.
For a moment, I felt like my world was spinning, but when I had my feet on the ground again, I opened my mouth without hesitation.
"I love you, too", I said, and I smiled at him and he smiled at me and somehow… I felt like life, once hating me, had suddenly started loving me.
And we went in and sat by our friends, and nothing had changed, and still, everything.
He sat beside me, and suddenly, I half felt and half saw his hand slowly making its way towards mine. I met him half way and couldn't help but close my eyes and smile at the tingling feeling that spread all over my body as our fingers intertwined.