Summary: Kakashi has lost a lot of things, but nothing like Itachi.

A/N: Written as a v-day present for Indigo's Ocean. Has some….barely traceable moments of Itachi/Kakashi….but not really. Read and Review

Disclaimer: I don't own anything *sigh*.

--Only if a ship would sail in
or just someone came
and knocked at my door
or just (or just) something—Bjork

Itachi doesn't make much sense anymore. And really it shouldn't bother Kakashi, well at least not nearly as much as it does now. Its not like Itachi speaks that much anymore, or is around that much anymore, or does much of anything anymore. He's kinda fading away, and sometimes Kakashi feels like Itachi may very well be just another ghost, perhaps a little more intangible then Rin or Obito.

Still Kakashi can't help but try to reach out to him. Can't help but try to use his eye to slow Itachi's rapidly crashing molecules down so that he can transform from a vapor into water. He wants to make him stay because something inside tells Kakashi that Itachi is leaving soon. Will be leaving in a firestorm that will destroy everything except the taste of ash. And Kakashi doesn't need anymore ash in his life.

His tongue is numb with its residue, leaving his life bathed in the aftertaste of loss. But then again…everyone is loosing. Itachi had told him that one night. Had came, smelling like dog shit yet looking like a desperate prince, into Kakashi's small room and had leaned over the bed and whispered "Everyone is loosing."

"What?" Kakashi had grunted, tired and disoriented, rubbing at his eyes and pulling at this mask that stuck uncomfortably to his face in the places spit had trickled out. By the time he pushed himself up fully his room was full with a blanket of smoke and Itachi was gone as if Kakashi had dreamed him into existence.

Although, Kakashi isn't sure whether or not Itachi is a dream or a nightmare. He isn't sure anymore whether he's awake or sleeping or just dead. Though, if he's dead this must be hell because dying is supposed to be easier than this. Heck, life is supposed to be easier than this; was easier than this until Itachi came. And then went and has never, ever came back fully again.

But Kakashi is still waiting for him, still out searching for him with his team of nin-dogs, trying desperately to pull Itachi back from the brink of something horrible and definite. Its hopeless, in the same way visiting that damn rock everyday is hopeless and lord knows Kakashi has a sick fixation on hopeless things.

He wants to be the hero but he can't shake the feeling there isn't anything left saving. He wants to be the hero, the victor, the winner because lord knows he's so very tired of loosing because Kakashi has lost so much and damn it all if everyone is loosing because didn't someone deserve to win…sometimes?

Didn't Itachi, Itachi with his perfect eyes, and perfect face, and perfect aim, and perfect family, and perfect grades…didn't he…this demi-god, didn't he deserve something. Didn't he deserve something in the same way Kakashi had deserved something better…better than this good for shit cards he'd been dealt.

Really, Kakashi hates this. Hates feeling so helpless and pathetic and wonders if this is how Yondamine felt….watching his students die one by one…watching his village slip through his fingers.

He hates being reminded of so much and of how much it hurts and of how weak he was then (still is). He hates how no matter what he does Itachi is slipping further out of his fingers and into some rapidly spinning vortex that is pulling him apart right before Kakashi's very eyes.

Loosing Itachi feels like some great big injustice, like a chance of redemption come and gone leaving Kakashi as unchanged as he ever was.

Loosing Itachi is kind of a slap in the face because he's right here beside Kakashi and never has Kakashi lost something this damn close to him before. It feels as though someone is ripping his veins out right from his throat.

"Sometimes, I look at Sasuke and I think he's like a crow." Itachi pauses, pulls a hand through his untrimmed hair "You're kind of like a crow too but he is definitely." Kakashi looks in the sky but there are no birds, only dark clouds and then looks at his own trembling hands. "What are you then Itachi?"

Itachi doesn't blink, or move, or even hitch his breath, or give any sign that he's listening or thinking or even here. For a second Kakashi's not even sure who was even speaking. "You must be a bird too" Kakashi continues, more to himself than anyone else "because you're trapped."

Itachi does turn at this, turns and raises a well groomed eyebrow and then puts his hand delicately over Kakashi's. His hand is warm, so warm Kakashi feels it might melt right through him. He looks at Kakashi, his eyes black and shining and squeezes ever so slightly. For a second Kakashi sees things, sees horrible things that not even sharingan could create, sees things that make him want to throw up and keep his hands unable to stop trembling.

"I don't understand." Kakashi is reaching, reaching and stretching and all but throwing himself over the abyss after Itachi—trying so desperately to grab a hold of something, to stop the vicious unraveling.

"I need to go. I need to see Sasuke." There's something apologetic and final and less than 2 days later when the Uchiha district is turned into an endless river of blood Kakashi will remember this moment and secure it deeply into his left eye as one of his many moments of failure.

Kakashi will remember the feeling of Itachi's lingering hand and remember the quick flash of Itachi's haunting words "we are all puppets dancing for amusement no?" that will flood him so entirely he is left breathless and immobile as Itachi sprints away.

He will remember this and he will stare at Sasuke's tearful, chubby face and feel hopeless and upset at life, at god, at the stupid ideas of justice that his father and Yondamine spoke of, the same ones that have seemed to fail him every single time.

There was no justice, there was no relief…the cycle of sorrow…of loss never, ever stopped and no justu or special eyes or training could change that.

Everyone was loosing, even the heroes, and no one was being saved, no one's cry for help was ever loud enough to be answered—there's never any answers. Not for Kakashi and not for Itachi and not for Sasuke begging "why, why, why" while kneeling at his parents graves. Not for Rin or Obito or Yondamine or Iruka's parents. No answers for anyone, not for those who deserved it…who deserved something.

Life didn't make sense anymore. Nothing made sense anymore. And it didn't matter whether or not it bothered Kakashi because there really isn't anything he can do.


--What I thought it was it isn't now
There's a pattern in the system
There's a bullet in the gun
That's why I tried to save you
But it can't be done—Emily Haines