Puck stared at the F on the test he'd actually studied for. He never thought he could hate himself as much as he did in that moment. He wished he'd never even tried. He was fine when he didn't care whether he graduated or not, but now that he'd gotten himself excited for the possibility of succeeding, and failed, he felt worse than ever. He let his brain shut off as he let it sink in that he was destined to be just like his father.
It wasn't until the Monday after prom that he realized just how much his life was falling apart. He really did want to graduate but now that he had no chance at that, he didn't know what he could possibly do with his life. He was probably destined to clean pools for the rest of his life, banking on the extra tips the cougars gave him if he sexed them up after he'd cleaned their pools.
Once the news was out that he wasn't graduating, his reputation was shot to hell. The guys that used to fear and respect him now made fun of him and confirmed that he wasn't going to be anything more than a Lima loser.
When Rick and his lackeys confronted him at his locker, Puck couldn't wait for the fight after school. He wasn't going to be a Lima loser and he was going to go out with a bang.
The fight started out going well for him, but when a well-placed punch knocked Puck backwards. Then, as if he couldn't fall any lower, they dumped him into the dumpster that he'd thrown so many into over the years.
He lay in the dumpster for a minute before he pulled the knife out of his pocket and climbed out of the dumpster. He was going to show everyone just how much of a loser he wasn't.
Everyone backed off as he stood with the knife at his side. Coach Bieste broke up the fight before Puck could do anything, which was probably a good thing because Puck was the only one who knew the knife was fake.
Coach Bieste brought him into the locker room and he broke down. He hated everything he was and he knew that no one cared about him. His father always treated him like shit until he walked out and his mother had never even cared.
As Puck cried, he knew he had to do something. He was on the edge and he'd made a promise to Mr. Schue that he'd thought about breaking several times over the past couple weeks.
He hadn't told anyone, but three times since he found out he wasn't going to graduate he'd thought about killing himself. The first time was the day he found out he failed. He went home that night and sat with full bottles of pills and whiskey in front of him. He sat there and cried for an hour before he put both bottles under his bed and went to sleep instead.
The second time was right before prom. He stared at the oncoming traffic as he drove home and was a second away from driving head on into the other cars until his phone rang, stopping his thoughts.
The third time was after breaking down in front of Bieste. He should have just told her right then and there what he wanted to do; but he didn't. He drove home, fighting back sobs that still wanted to tear their way through him.
He drove a little too fast but arrived home safely. Once he got home, he went back to his room and proceeded to drink the whiskey that he'd left under his bed. He, of course, saw the bottle of pills he'd left there weeks ago as well. After he'd downed half the bottle of whiskey, he knew he was in dangerous territory. He held the bottle of pills and screamed as he threw it across the room, picking up his phone instead.
"Puck?" Mr. Schuester asked as he answered his phone. It was nearly 6 PM and he hadn't imagined a student would be calling him. He'd checked the caller ID and was surprised that it was Puck.
"Schuester…" Puck slurred. "Wuss up?"
"Puck… Are you… drunk?" Will sat up in his chair and set his book down on his coffee table.
"I jus… gotta say sorry…" Puck could feel the warm tears fall down his cheeks.
"What are you talking about Puck? What are you sorry for?" Will tried to process why Puck would be drunk at 6 PM.
"I made a promise… but… I keep… I wanna break it Mr. Schue… tell me I can break it…"
"What promise did you make? I don't get it?"
"To you… the Karofsky thing… said not to die-" Puck let out a sob.
"No… You have to keep that." Will quickly stood up from his chair and began to panic. "Puck where are you?"
"Just let me die…"
"Where are you Puck? Tell me where you are."
"H-home…"
"Okay. Just stay there. Can you tell me your address?"
Will just wanted to keep Puck talking. He knew Puck lived near Lima heights so he got to his car and started driving as Puck slowly slurred out his address.
Within ten minutes, Will was at Puck's front door. "Puck, can you hear me knocking? I need you to answer your door."
Will didn't hear Puck's voice but after a minute he saw the broken teen standing in the doorway.
He didn't even hang up his phone before he embraced Puck in a protective hug.
"You're fine… everything is okay now… I've got you." Will just kept repeating as Puck sobbed into his shoulder.
After a couple minutes, Will gently guided Puck back into his house and into the living room, closing the door behind him. Once he had Puck sitting down, Will found the kitchen and got a glass of water for his student.
"Puck, what's going on?" He asked, handing Puck the water.
Slowly Puck drank some water and tried to make sense of the thoughts going through his mind.
Will waited patiently, watching Puck's emotions fight to the surface.
"I'm… I'm nothing Mr. Schue… I'm never going to be… anything…I have no reason to live…"
"Stop Puck… You can't give up on yourself like this… remember the things you're looking forward to."
"That's just it! I… walk around acting like I don't care, but it's only… it's only 'cause it hurts to care. I did want to graduate. That's what I was looking forward to… but now I can't even do that... I'm just going to be the worthless copy of my father…"
Will watched Puck's drunken breakdown and hated how small the teen looked.
"You are not your father," Will said forcefully. "There is still so much you have left… You're 18. We're going to figure this out…"
Puck placed his head in his hands and let a sob out as he reveled in the words he had desperately needed to hear.
"You have to help us win Nationals, you have to prove everyone wrong and you have to keep your promise."
"It… hurts Mr. Schue… I feel… worthless…"
"I know… I know it hurts… but you need to keep going."
It took another half hour, but Will finally got Puck to fall asleep on the couch. He then called Emma, walking into the kitchen as not to wake Puck.
"Emma… I don't know what I'm supposed to do now… I got him to sleep, but I don't just want to leave him here alone…" Will admitted.
"This is tricky Will. I'm not sure I know what to do in this situation... You shouldn't be alone in his house with him, but you're right, you shouldn't leave him alone like this…" Emma wracked her brain, trying to find a solution.
Finally she thought over her past hour and realized there was another person who could help. "Call Sharon. Apparently she helped Puck out this afternoon and I worked with her about an hour ago to work out Puck's situation. If there's another teacher there, it won't be as inappropriate. Also, you should call Finn or one of Puck's other close friends to be there when you leave."
Will thought through who Puck would trust with his current mental state. He thanked Emma and quickly called Sharon. When she agreed that she could be there in fifteen minutes, Will decided he would call Finn.
"Mr. Schue?" Finn was slightly confused as to why his glee club teacher would be calling his cell at 7 PM.
"Hey Finn… I hope I didn't interrupt anything." Will knew this whole situation was weird and wished Puck would be okay.
"No… Just doing some homework. What's going on?" Finn leaned back in his chair and put his pencil on his desk.
"I was hoping that you could come over to Puck's. He kind of needs some help right now." Will looked in at Puck. The sleeping teen looked so normal. No one would be able to tell that just an hour ago he'd been so desperate to kill himself.
"Uh yeah… I'll be over in like ten minutes. What's wrong with him?" Finn asked as he got up and went to put on shoes.
"We should talk when you get here. He's just having some trouble lately."
"Alright. I'll see you in a few minutes." Finn hung up and got ready to leave. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he knew it was probably about the fact that Puck wasn't going to be graduating.
Sharon Bieste arrived only a minute before Finn did. She came in quietly and Will ushered her into the kitchen. When Finn arrived, Will repeated his movements and brought Finn into the kitchen.
"Mr. Schue, what's going on? Why are we all here while Puck is sleeping?" Finn raised an eyebrow and put his car keys in his pocket.
"Puck called me around 6 tonight, drunk. He said he wanted to… kill himself… Luckily he'd called me because back with Karofsky… you all promised not to ever attempt it… so he felt bad about it and wanted me to tell him it was okay to break the promise. So I came here and talked with him. He's a real mess right now but I got him to fall asleep. I knew I couldn't be here alone with him, but he can't be here on his own either… As teachers, we can't stay here all night. But he really needs a friend right now Finn."
No one spoke for a minute until Bieste looked between the two and decided to tell them what might have set Puck off today. "Poor kid… He was a mess at school this afternoon… He nearly stabbed Rick out by the dumpsters… It was a fake knife, but he's got a lot inside him that he's never ever talked about."
"I can stick around you guys. I've dealt with drunk Puck before and… he's gotten… low… when he's been drunk before…" Finn confessed.
"Wait, by low… you mean-" Will needed clarification.
"He's talked about death before… Not since we were like 16, but it comes up about once a year around the time his dad left him." Finn rubbed the back of his neck, remembering the tears that he and Puck would never discuss sober.
Will sighed and was unsure of how to actually help Puck. He knew they at least had to make sure that the kid would graduate. After another hour of talking and figuring out possibilities, Will and Shannon figured it was time to leave.
Finn went into the living room and sat on the armchair next to the couch. He watched his best friend's chest rise up and down. He hated the idea that he and Puck wouldn't graduate together. They had been through a lot together and Finn spent a lot of time being angry at Puck for getting Quinn pregnant and then kissing Rachel, but even through all of that, Finn knew that if it came to a situation like this, he'd be there for Puck no matter what. Finn sighed and turned on the TV, turning the volume down to almost mute. He could hear the actors on some random show talking about some silly situation, but he wasn't entirely paying attention.
Two hours passed and Finn knew he had to wake Puck up and move him to the bedroom. Puck's mom would be getting home from the night shift soon and she would not be happy to see her son passed out drunk on the couch. Finn turned off the TV and went over to Puck, gently shaking him.
"Puck, dude… time to wake up."
With a groan, Puck waved his hand to signal that Finn should leave him alone.
"No, seriously… come on, there's no way I'm carrying you to your bed."
After a moment, Puck opened his eyes, thankful that only one light was on across the room.
"Wha… what are you doin' here Finn?" Puck asked, trying to fend off his headache.
"Schuester called me. He needed to leave, but you needed someone around… come on, your mom should be home soon, you don't want her to see you like this again."
At the mention of his mother, Puck became more aware of his situation. He slowly sat up, staring at the empty glass in front of him that Mr. Schue had once filled up with water.
"I'll get you some more water and meet you in your room." Finn said definitively. He grabbed the glass and went to the kitchen as soon as he saw Puck was moving.
Puck's entire body felt heavy and tired. His brain was pounding into his skull and his stomach was in his throat. Before he could reach his bedroom, he found himself in front of the toilet, puking everything from his stomach.
Finn was there a moment later. He placed the glass of water on the bathroom counter and busied himself with finding some aspirin in the medicine cabinet.
When Puck had vomited everything he had, Finn handed him two pills and the water. Puck wiped his mouth on the towel behind him and swallowed the pills. He flushed the toilet and leaned his head against the wall.
Finn offered a hand to help Puck stand up. "You good bro?"
Puck leaned into Finn's hand as he slowly stood up. "Yeah… fine."
The two made it back to Puck's room and Puck fell onto the bed. Finn turned on the small light and sat on the floor with his back against the side of the bed, knowing Puck wouldn't want to talk face to face.
After a second Finn broke their silence. "Puck, what happened tonight?"
Puck sighed and closed his eyes. "I just… ever since I found out I can't graduate… I haven't been feeling like… living… I guess."
Finn wasn't sure what to tell Puck. He just wanted the guy to be okay again.
"So… do you… still want to, right now?" Finn asked, hoping Puck's suicidal tendencies had passed.
"I don't know. I mean, I know I can't…" Puck let his voice trail off. He wasn't sure he still wanted to live, but he knew he had to be around for Nationals at least.
"You know we're all gonna figure this out, right?"
"…I guess… thanks bro." Puck answered quietly. He was falling asleep again and he just wanted to pass out again.
"Just get some sleep man, I'll set the alarm." Finn quietly went around the room getting the spare pillow and blanket he usually used when he spent the night at Puck's. He set the alarm and turned off the light, texting Rachel goodnight before falling asleep himself.
When the alarm went off at 6:30 the next morning, Puck woke up groggy, but feeling better than he was the night before. His body still felt heavy and raw, but his stomach had settled and his headache had cleared. Finn turned off the alarm and rolled over on his spot on the floor.
Puck lay in bed for an extra couple minutes before he finally got out of bed, stretching slowly. Finn followed suit.
"I gotta get home and get ready… I'll see you at school." Finn said cracking his back.
"Yeah. Thanks for sticking around." Puck said as he took off his t-shirt and grabbed a towel.
Finn went home and Puck headed for the shower, spending nearly 45 minutes under the heat.
At school, Puck's day was normal. He found it weird that he could walk around talking to everyone and no one knew how close he had been to dying just 18 hours before.
At lunch, he hung out in the auditorium, practicing a song and spending some time alone.
Coach Bieste joined him in the middle of his song and he was grateful she was there. After they finished singing, she gave him the amazing news that he was going to be allowed to retake the test. Puck was happy, but it wasn't until Bieste told him he wasn't alone and he was loved, that he knew he was going to be okay.
During glee practice that afternoon, Mr. Schuester was looking forward to seeing what kind of mood Puck was in. He was surprised when Puck raised his hand before Mr. Schue could begin speaking.
"Uh, yeah, Puck, what's up?"
"Mr. Schue, I know we need to be practicing our songs, but I kind of have a song I want to sing for you guys."
Will knew Puck needed to do this for himself. "Alright buddy, come on up here."
"Mr. Schue," Rachel interrupted as Puck got ready in the middle of the room. "This is all very nice, but we can't be wasting time on songs we're not using for Nationals."
"Pipe down Berry," Puck smirked. "This won't take long, it's just about my life."
No one said anything more as Puck began.
Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?
I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me
I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
Both Finn and Mr. Schue were becoming more upset. They hated seeing Puck so angsty, but they were glad that he was being open.
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up
Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I want to thrive not just survive
There was hesitant but sincere applause from the group as Puck finished.
"Puck, do you wanna talk about what inspired you to sing that for us?" Mr. Schue asked.
"Um. Yeah, I guess that needs a kind of explanation... "
He set down his guitar and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He wasn't sure why he felt compelled to share his state of mind with everyone, he just did. The glee kids were the family he never had and he hated to admit it, but he needed them.
"I still don't know if I get to graduate. I hate admitting that I actually give a crap, but I do and you guys have helped me realize that over the past couple years. I made a promise to you all that I really wanted to break last night but Mr. Schue wouldn't let me, and I'm glad he didn't. At least, I'm glad right now… I guess what I'm trying to say is I know we have a lot to deal with, with Nationals and everything, but I need some help. I get to re-take my final and I have the chance to graduate. So…" Puck shrugged and looked out at his friends.
"Of course man," Mike said quickly.
"Yeah. You are definitely graduating with us, Puckerman," Quinn agreed.
"And you're definitely sticking around." Finn added quietly as he hugged Puck, making sure Puck was the only one to hear him.
The others quickly joined in on a group hug and the group finally began rehearsing.
A/N: So I wrote this a while ago and just remembered it the other day. So I figured I'd publish it finally. I don't exactly like it or anything, but I figured I should post something since I haven't really been able to write anything new recently.
I have had trouble even thinking about Glee since the whole Cory remembrance episode. I didn't think I would cry so much, but such is life.