Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
Hey everyone, I'm new to writing fanfiction and would love to get some advice.
I need help figuring out the proper prose and structure of story writing so much appreciated to anyone who can point out my mistakes, tell me when to make new paragraphs, break up dialogue and sentences and have the overall story flow better.
"This is Konaha…?" Naruto's eye's widened, twisting his head frantically, searching for signs of life.
a giant crater replaced Konoha village, only the Hokage monument remained. Several cracks disfigured each face, their once dignified expressions marred.
Returning home, only to find it crushed, an unsettling feeling deep within the pit of Naruto's stomach grew. His desperate expression slowly changing to despair. His sage ability allowed him to feel the innumerable loss of life and that worried him. Where was everyone…
At the epicentre stood Pain nonchalantly, seemingly unaffected by the destruction, as if proud. "This makes my search much easier."
Naruto posture crumpled slightly, blood dripping from his tightly gripped fists. His eye's now swollen and red as tear's dripped from his chin. 'I'm sorry… Everyone.' Naruto thought, unable to utter a word with his jaws so tightly clenched.
At Pain's feet Tsunade lay unmoving, pools of blood gathered where both arms should have been. At the outskirts he could see Sakura's prone body, her torso separated unevenly. Kakashi, Iruka, his friend's, their life energy gone.
"I see you've come to understand true pain, your village destroyed, your comrades dead. It is precisely because we love that-" Pain chanted.
"This can't be happening…" Naruto whispered, prostrated on the ground, Pain's words now white noise. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" Naruto continued to repeat those words, his sentences becoming more and more incoherent.
Pain watched Naruto's prone form wordlessly. A whirring of a drill resounded as the second Pain suddenly charged, its mechanical hand aimed at Naruto's forehead
In a flash body parts flew across the barren field, the mechanical Pain's arms and torso abruptly separated as Naruto disappeared and reappeared in an instant, his palm impaled deep within its back.
Naruto slowly stood upright, shoulders slightly slumped and open palms resting at his sides. "I don't care…" His expression despondent and lips barely moving, he continued in a whisper, "…If this is the end."
In an instant, the most malicious chakra poured out of Naruto. The culmination of all his negative emotions began to transform Naruto. Soon not a semblance of a man remained.
"You have learned Pain." Pain said authoritatively.
Six protruding tails danced violently as if sentient. A husk of bone began to coalesce on Naruto's transfigured back, embellishing his blood-red skin.
Pain's expression remained indifferent, "Do you hate me?"
The beast roared.
"I wonder… Have you endured the same amount of pain as me?"
"Yes… That's it."
The throaty voice of Kyuubi, echoed in the dank chamber. Black liquid oozed from Naruto's belly forming a pool of black, an abyss he was sure he would fall in.
Naruto could only make out a single eye of the Kyuubi, but even that frightened him.
"Everything that causes you suffering… I will relieve you of that pain if it is your wish."
All dignity and pride left Naruto as he crawled towards the seal. If the Kyuubi granted him the defeat of Pain, he would at least have a semblance of peace. Was it strange that he thought the beast's voice was soothing?
Slowly standing, Naruto fingered the edge of the seal. 'Just like real paper.' he thought absentmindedly preparing to tear the piece of paper.
Naruto jolted as a hand cuffed his wrist, pulling his arm back.
"Does the sight of me repulse you?"
Naruto stood before the real Pain, Nagato, the girl beside him called him.
He was a pathetic looking man was Naruto's first thoughts. His face was disturbingly gaunt with eyes that sunk deep within his skull, framed by dishevelled hair drenched in sweat that clung to his face. He was so disgustingly thin you could see each individual curve of his ribcage, his entire appearance made even more unsightly by the drool that flowed freely down the edges of his mouth. He seemed incapable of any movement, seated on a chair like an old man. For a moment Naruto pitied him.
"Does the sight of me fuel your thirst for revenge?" Nagato continued.
It was strange. Face to face with the real Pain, Naruto's mind began to wander. He recalled the question pain had first asked him during battle, "How would you face down this unquenchable hate and bring real peace?" Sasuke's voice echoed in his head, "We suffer because of our bonds." The voice of his father followed. "You'll figure it out someday, I know you can do it" The voice soothed him, "Konoha is in your hands now."
Tears sliding down his cheek slowly, Naruto clenched and unclenched his fist. "Father, I've come up with my own answer." Naruto whispered, eyes now yellow crosses as the humming from the rasengan in his palm grew louder and louder. "I can't forgive you."
Naruto changed after Pain's defeat. Of the hundred thousand denizens, only a few thousand survived. In a twist of fate, Naruto was the only source of authority in the village and was delegated Hokage, though rebuilding Konoha at this point was a near impossible task.
Word had spread of the Akatsuki leader's demise at the hand of a young prodigy. Naruto's name became revered, envied and feared. News that the same Akatsuki Leader had completely destroyed Konohagakure before his death also spread putting Konoha in a precarious situation. Gaara offered asylum, a new starting point at Sunagakure, but Naruto refused muttering something about the words of his father.
Gaara supported his friend best he could, travelling to Konoha often, sending supplies and personnel even at the dismay and sometimes outrage of his council. Even so, Naruto grew more and more distant. With each progressive visit, Naruto looked more tired and ragged than the last.
Naruto became notorious throughout every shinobi country for creating thousands of clones each day to help rebuild the village and send on missions. His name soon reached the ears of nearly every living person in the world, a tragic hero who lost everything only to rebuild it back through sheer willpower, a ninja not seen since the Shodaime Hokage.
Foreigners would travel hundreds of miles just to get a glance of the legendary Naruto and his mythical exploits. Rumours spread that he was he was the reincarnation of the Sage of Six paths himself.
Not many paid attention to the fact that the real Naruto was rarely seen outside the Hokage's residence.
Thanks to anyone who points out any mistakes in story structure and how to make the story flow better.