I would like to dedicate this story to my friends and family but I would also love to dedicate this to Josh Scorcher a.k.a. the Fiery Joker. Sir, you are real marine and no matter who says you are not, you are a real marine!
Bureau of Realities Script:
Scene One:
[It's a nice sunny day in spring. There are a few clouds and a nice breeze with a calming atmosphere, maybe a few bunnies frolicking in a green field. Some flowers blowing in the wind.]
Narrator: You know how most of these stories go. It starts with a regular, sunny day. Then…
BOOM.
[With sudden ferocity, an explosion forces its way through the field. As it moves, everything it touches turns to ash; the rabbits are incinerated. How sad. Nothing is left except a burning crater, 30 miles in diameter, and some grass set ablaze around the circumference. As smoke billows from the gaping hole in the earth, the sky becomes black and ash rains down from above, covering everything in and around the area in debris.]
Narrator: Now the obligatory jump cut. Ten years later.
Scene Two:
[The setting is a nice, moderately clean studio apartment. There's some clutter on the counters. The sink is clean, but there are a few empty beer cans and a few fast food wrappers on the table and floor. The time: 5:30am. In the bedroom, an alarm goes off on a digital alarm clock with a black and green face]
Glenn: Ugh, fuck. I'm up already. Stupid alarm clock…
[Glenn Laurie, a 35-year-old cynical man, hardened from years of field work and 'wear and tear', stares at his alarm clock with red, puffy eyes. He has a heavy five o'clock shadow and some premature grey hair around his temples from work-related stress. The bags under his eyes are a clear sign that he gets too little sleep. He is wearing a white tank top and blue shorts, both are stained slightly with mysterious condiments and late nights of heavy drinking.]
Scene Three:
[For the next few minutes Glenn brushes his teeth, washes his face with water, and takes a quick shower. Later, he appears in his kitchenette dressed in his usual attire. Black fatigue pants, black all-terrain boots, navy blue light sweater, and khaki field coat. He grabs his messenger bag and a cup of strong coffee while he rushes out the door for work]
Scene Four:
Waxahachie, TX. The Superconducting Super Collider
[The time is 6:41am as Glenn walks into the main building. No expense has been spared in designing the front lobby. The walls are a delightful shade of beige. To the left and right of the reception desk are two corridors leading to meeting rooms and elevators. There is even a small lounge area by the front windows of the building. Everything from the décor to the smell in the air gives the lobby an old-timey art deco feeling. Almost like an old hotel or a fine chateau. Glenn walks past the reception desk where a young guard gives him a short, yet polite, hello.]
Guard: Morning, Sir!
Glenn: You too.
[He walks quickly down a hall to an elevator. As the doors close, He rolls his eyes and groans in annoyance. Ten years in the force, and the extravagance of the main lobby is still as jarring as ever. He swipes his employee ID and presses the small button to B4. The elevator stutters to life. The soft sounds of the lift music cuts abruptly. Glenn notes the blown speaker in the elevator and mutters quietly.]
Scene Five:
[Glenn walks out of the elevator and heads down the dim, grey hallway into a locker room. Some strapping young lads are huddled together in the corner. They are sharing stories about their adventures and their passionate sex lives. The sense of camaraderie in the room is contagious, some other lonely souls scattered around the lockers begin to smile. Glenn is disgusted by this. The flaming passions of youth are an insult to his hard work and old age. He grabs his gloves, knee pads, and goggles from his rusty blue locker. A voice calls over the intercom.]
Intercom: Agent Laurie report to the quartermaster and then to the GATE. Again Agent Laurie Please report to the quartermaster and then to the GATE.
Scene Six:
[Glenn approaches the GATE and does his final check. His field scanner is fully charged. His field camera has a fresh memory card. His field camo watch is secured firmly on his right wrist, and his sidearm secured to his right thigh holster. The time is 7:00am on his wrist mounted computer. All is well. He nods curtly to a woman named Donna in the control room behind him. Her hands fly swiftly over the control panel pressing this, then that, pulling on levers, and signalling her years of experience. The GATE starts to activate, the portal swirls with vibrant colours. He walks towards the GATE.]
Glenn: *sigh* another day begins.
[Glenn, slouching slightly, shuffles through the gate completely resigned to his fate.]
Scene Seven:
[Bureau Lecture Hall, 3:00pm. Twenty-two new recruits are sitting in five rows of tables staring at a whiteboard with the words: "Welcome New Recruits!" hastily written in large letters across the board. They are either talking amongst themselves or are doing other activities such as reading, sleeping, or checking their phones as they wait for the Agent that assigned to give them the rundown on how the Bureau operates. Glenn walks into the room and makes his way to the board. With a marker, he scribbles his name on an empty corner. As he turns to the recruits, he leans into a podium with the bureau's insignia printed on the front in gold. A proud minimalist eagle with a third eye and spiral in its chest. The Bureau's motto: Possibly Infinite. Infinitely Protected. are written in a circle around the eagle. Glenn looks around the room of recruits and asks them a simple question.]
Glenn: Why are you all here?
[The new recruits staring blankly at the bitter, middle-aged man in front of them. It's a surreal scene. The group is aesthetically jarring. Some recruits appear to be drawn into the scene. Some with round lines, some are more angular, and others are heavily stylized to represent the look of their respective 'dimensions'. Some of the recruits look like CGI models; only a small handful look like what we would consider "real people." Glenn begins to speak again, getting increasingly more agitated.]
Glenn: Seriously, Why are you here? I was having a normal day and I thought, 'Hey! Maybe I can actually clock out early for once! 'But nooo!
[Glenn slouches slightly and places his face into his hands. He presses his cheeks together and makes an angry expression in an effort to impersonate his boss. His voice gets louder and his tone more pointed as he speaks. He almost loses his composure. Almost...]
Glenn: 'You need to train the new recruits' he said. 'It'll be fun' he said. 'You're the only Ten-Year and you're most experienced member oF THE FORCE.' HE SAID. 'DO IT OR YOU'RE FIRED!' HE SAID. (He takes a moment to collect himself) Just. My. Fucking. Luck.
[The new recruits look around the room nervously. Some are pulling at their uniforms and coughing or clearing their throat slightly. A handful are still looking that their phones or reading. A new recruit by the name of Benjamin Clawhauser seems particularly interested in his cell phone. The gazelle app can be heard on Clawhauser's phone. He looks absolutely ecstatic, his eyes glued to the screen. Glenn regains composure and clears his throat. He smacks his hand on the podium to get the group's attention and starts to speak.]
Glenn: Fuck it. Let's get started. (In a robotic monotone) Welcome to the first day of your exciting career new at The Federal Bureau of Realities blah blah blah fun. Blah blah blah smiles. Joy, joy, discovery, joy. The Bureau is not responsible for any damage to property. If damage to property, loss of limb, life or sanity has occurred, please report to HR and file the appropriate paperwork to receive meager compensation. (This being said, Glenn proceeds as normal.) Onward whore!
Scene Eight:
[Glenn starts writing on the board for about 3 minutes and once he finishes, he slams a fist on the podium to grab everyone's attention. Despite the noise, a new recruit named Patrick "Eel' O'Brian is fast asleep. His head is on the table inside his neck. His neck is twisted into a spiral like a sleeping snake. He is snoring softly. Glenn throws the marker at the Plastic Man to get his attention. He scowls at the now disgruntled Plastic Man and continues with his condescending and uninformative lecture.]
Glenn: The purpose of the Bureau is simple: To keep reality from falling apart. On the side, we also catalog every known dimension and universe we find within the GATE.
[Glenn appears to grow tired of the situation he's in. He is looking down at the podium as though he were reading off of a script. Cut to a view of the script. He is actually reading everything on this page… right now… the scene cuts to the new recruits looking confused as Glenn looks up.]
Glenn: As Glenn looks up… (Glenn looks up.) Anyway, the Bureau is important. So! NO SHENANIGANS.
[In saying 'no shenanigans' Glenn glares at clawhauser. Clawhauser slowly puts away his phone.]
Glenn: Moving on!
[He throws a hand up and begins to pace around the room.]
Scene Nine:
Glenn: Now, I want you all to follow these five important rules, or as I like to call them "Glenn's Law".
[As he says 'Glenn's Law', he turns to the recruits with a smug grin, then he heads to the podium and continues with his lecture.]
Glenn: Now. Yes, what is written on the board is important, but these rules are also meant to help you in the field when handling situations that the bureau's rulebook can't help you with.
[Glenn then walks back up to the board and starts writing down five bullets points next the notes he wrote the recruits.]
Glenn: Be Polite
[Cut to the MLP Dimension, Universe #45. Glenn (in a shitty fursuit) knocks a human into a kiddy pool in the middle of ponyville and beats with a baton. He says: "Fucking humans in equestria." and sighs. The ponies around him are distraught as he drags the human behind a cottage.]
Glenn: Be Respectful.
[Cut to DC Dimension, Universe #552. Glenn slams a pie in a woman's face after she called Harley Quinn a floozy. He shouts at the woman: "Show the woman with a doctorate some respect, you damn hussy!"]
Glenn: Be mindful your own equipment
[Cut to Sailor Moon Dimension, Universe #89. Glenn berates Sailor Moon for almost losing her magic compact. He shows her his camo watch as an example, but in his zeal, accidentally slams it on the floor, effectively shattering his lovely new watch. How pitifully sad.]
Glenn: Be Professional
[4:36 pm Bureau HQ- Glenn's cubicle, Glenn is angrily playing Doom 2016 with Doritos in his lap. He shouts "GET REKTED YOU LITTLE SHITS!" This warrants some attention from the nearby cubicles.]
Glenn: Be Tolerant
[Cut to Zootopia Dimension, Universe Prime. Glenn stands outside the ZPD building next to a group of bigots protesting the induction of the first fox police officer. He pulls out a megaphone and exclaims: "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"}
Final Scene:
[As Glenn finishes his lecture, the clock on the wall shows that a considerable amount of time has passed. A nameless, faceless agent walks into the room and gives him a slip of paper, Glenn looks at it with displeasure.]
Agent: (softly) Sir, Agent Carmichael says we have a class 3 dimensional tear in between the Tokyo Mew Mew Dimension and the Expendables Dimension.
[Glenn groans at this news. He pauses to wonder how the faceless agent can speak. He takes a deep breath and sighs. His specialty. Then he throws his hands up and says.]
Glenn: Fuck it. Class dismissed.
[Cut to the new recruits. Some zoned out, and others asleep. Clawhauser and a few others are back on their phones. They're clustered together watching clawhauser's Gazelle app.]
[Glenn walks out of the room filled new recruits and into the hall filled with younger agents. The scene is akin to an 80's action movie poster. Glenn has his goggles on and behind him, the agents are lined up on the walls in salute.]
Glenn: Alright. Let's get this shit started.