Atopos - I haven't been on in awhile, I know. I decided to update for many reasons. My school life has been confusing, and I like getting positive feedback from people. As a warning, this story, like so many of my other Naruto ones, takes place with the Akatsuki in place (because on dial-up, believing they're all still alive is easier than downloading) and this story also has a lot of eyebrow raising wierdness. Just R&R, hopefully laugh a little at the strangeness I think up.

I own nothing but the procrastining skills that keep me away from real work and keep me working on anime ^^

The Trouble of Joining Akatsuki

"So, you wish to join our most prestigious organization?" Pein questioned immediately. A nod was his answer. "Very well. Then all that is left for me to do is to make sure you have the necessary requirements."

"Anything to get in, Sir."

"Do you have any powerful attacks? Ones that have been passed down through generations of your family?"

"Um…not really…"

"Alright," Pein said rather awkwardly, "then do you have any strong techniques that you've taught yourself?"

"That sounds a little more like me."

"Good." Pein clapped his hands together one that was settled. "Now about your cloak… Do you mind blood?"

"No."

"Right, that's great. See we reuse all our cloaks. Since your new partner has had so many previous partners, you'll get one of their cloaks."

"Oh, that's no problem. If I didn't like blood, I wouldn't be here in the first place."

Pein gave a faint smirk, the closest he'd ever get to a smile with someone new in the room. "How about nail polish? Or hats that might ruin your hair? Do you worry about walking far distances?"

"What's with all the questions about appearances? I'm not worried about those types of things. I mean, I might fuss a bit, but.." The rest of the sentence trailed off.

"You see," Pein explained slowly, "many of my…workers are the…" A small awkward cough broke the silence. "Many -- I mean, all of them -- are, y'know, gay. That's how o pick them. That way I know they'll be worried enough to protect their fellow man. I call it the 'Spartan Technique'."

"Um…okay…what about you?"

Pein was shocked at first, then relaxed. "Have you seen some of these people? Itachi and Deidara might be the youngest members I have, but I would have no problem taking them into my bedroom and showing them how far down my piercings go." A stunned silence. "I mean…"

"Well, Sir, I must admit, Deidara does have a fine piece of ass, but I'm not totally gay. I couldn't even be considered bisexual."

"Bisexual?" Pein raised an eyebrow thoughtfully. "We have one of those. My partner, Konan, is bisexual, that's why she's here…and with me."

……

"Sir, for that reason alone, I may be tempted to have sex with one or two of the guys you have here."

"First of all, that's great. Secondly, I'm not a pimp, so don't make it sound like I am. Third of all, your partner shall be Kakuzu. He'll teach you what to do."

The far door opened and the one called Kakuzu walked in somewhat gracefully. Kakuzu stopped in front of Pein for further instructions.

"Kakuzu," Pein greeted, "I'd like you to meet your new partner, Hanabusa. He has just sworn to follow our every rule just like everyone else. Now, please don't kill this one."

Kakuzu nodded. He glanced over at Hanabusa quickly. "Why don't you go on ahead? I'll catch up in a minute."

Hanabusa smiled brightly in agreement, and ran out of the dark room.

"If I don't get any sex tonight," Kakuzu growled in Pein's direction, "I'll be very upset, and I shall kill him."

Pein shrugged. "Trust me, I'll kill him if he ever touches my Konan. Understand?"

"As if I care."

……

Hidan was invited into the organization two days later.

At last they had someone who not only cared more about his hair than any mission he was given (and the fact that he liked to walk around without clothes on), but he also didn't mind doing anything kinky with anyone in Akatsuki.

Kakuzu was also able to get through quite a few rounds of sex with his new partner (Hidan), quickly deciding that this was the one he would keep around for awhile.

Pein also get laid without worrying about who was going after his beloved Konan.

Deidara continued having a 'fine piece of ass'.

And everyone lived happily ever after…except Hanabusa who had been kicked out of Akatsuki for obvious reasons -- someone had killed him, and no one was going to say (if they really did know) who had done it.

- Atopos