Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series. This is a spoof off of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central.
Many Thanks To: Stephen Colbert and my awesome Beta-Reader
-Insert theme music here-
Emmett: Hello everybody and welcome to the Cullen Report!
Carlisle: Emmett this is the bathroom.
Emmett: So?
Carlisle: I kind of need to use it… -crosses legs and jumps up and down-
Emmett: Tough cheese! Can't you see we're doing a newscast?
Carlisle: -looks around confused-In the bathroom?
Emmett: It's not the bathroom!
Carlisle: Oh for Pete's Sake! I'll just go out in the bushes! –Storms out of the bathroom, still doing the potty dance-
Emmett: Good day to you too sir!
Jasper: -walks into the bathroom half naked and in need of a shower-Emmett what are doing in the bathroom?
Emmett: I'm not a monkey!
Jasper: W-what?
Emmett: Now go away! And bring me a banana. –holds out hand expectantly-
Jasper: I… There isn't even a camera in here. How are you supposed to air this?
Emmett: -thoughtfully- You're right! From now on you shall be the camera man!
Jasper: But-
Emmett: -chucks camera at Jasper, hitting him in the head and knocking him unconscious - … Oops
Jasper: -sits up slightly woosie- Did you just chuck a camera at me?
Emmett: EDWARD!
Edward: -runs into the bathroom-Yes?
Emmett: From now on, you shall be my Yes man!
Edward: Okay but what does that have to do with any-
Emmett: Tell Jasper 'Yes!'
Edward: -Turns to Jasper puzzled – Yes?
Emmett: Good boy! –chucks banana at Edward-
Edward: -rubs head- What the Hell Emmett?!
Jasper: What were we talking about again?
Emmett: -Sighs deeply- Just pick up the stupid camera!
Jasper: -cries-I'm not appreciated here!
Emmett: Okay once again welcome to the Cullen Report!
Edward: Isn't this just a knock off of the Colbert Report?
Emmett: Shut up! You're only allowed to say yes!
Edward: -narrows eyes angrily-Yes.
Emmett: Now for today's show we'll be bringing out famed villain James um, something! –James walks into the room holding a banana-
Edward: Emmett! I thought you guys killed him!
Emmett: Edward no talking!
James: Yes Edward –throws banana at Edward-
Emmett: I should make you my side kick!
James: -in lovely voice-No I should make you my side-kick
Emmett: Aw…
Emmett: Anyway, tonight we will be discussing Edward's 'Vampires don't have a soul theory.' Right Edward?
Edward: Yes
Emmett: I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bunnies, bunnies are Godless killing machines!
James: -leans over to Edward- Is he always this delusional?
Edward: -happily- Yes!
Jasper: They're just bunnies for Carlisle's sake Emmett!
Emmett: EVIL bunnies!
Jasper: I… Sure Emmett….
Emmett: But this show is not about me or the evil bunnies plotting against us. This program is dedicated to you, the heroes. And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show. Average, hardworking Americans. You're not the elites, you're not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. Just like how they would never let Edward in, and you get it.
Carlisle: Emmett if you don't get your hairy butt out there now someone is going to be sorry!
Emmett: -looking nervous- And that wraps up the Cullen Report! We'll see you next time!
A/N: So should I continue or delete the story all together? If I DO continue it than I'll update soon, but if I DON'T than there's nothing to worry about now is there?