Just Say It
She throws one last look at the labels on her shelf before she presses the green button on her smartphone. The moment she lifts it to her ear, her heart beat speeds up. Trying to calm down, she runs through the list of arguments she is going to bring up. Clara takes a few deep breaths and rests her free hand on her hip, trying not to pad from one foot to the other nervously. As the line gives her the familiar beep, beep she rereads her notes for the twentieth time.
By accident
TRUTH
the pill
2 weeks
late
It's not helping. Her pulse is racing as she hears him picking up. "Clara", Mycroft greets her, clearly surprised by her call for she knows that he's working and does not like to be disturbed. It has always been some sort of unspoken agreement between them. Not at work, never at work unless it's an emergency!
Considering what she has just learnt it is so much like an emergency, as far sh she is concerned. What's she going to say? "Hey, guess what? I've got news!" No, she can't possibly start it that way. Clara sighs and closes her eyes, trying to remember her list of arguments.
JUST SAY IT
"Are you all right?", his voice reaches her ear once more and she realises that she has not said a word since he has picked up. She turns her back on the lables on her shelf and finally finds her voice: "Yes! I mean no! No, I'm -"
Goddamit, this can't be true!
"Is something the matter?", he asks, clearly concerned by now. He is so often when it comes to her. A sudden rush of affection for him makes her face light up with a smile before she says: "No. No, listen. I'm fine. Just-" She turns back to her shelf, her own words staring at her as if to insult her. She can hear her own voice in her head, reading the words out loud.
By accident
2 weeks
As her heart beat speeds up once more or maybe it hasn't stopped, she's not sure, she finally gets her mouth to work. Her throat feels dry, so she swallows. "There is something I have to tell you and...and it's, it's..news. So, please just listen, yeah? Just listen".
When she hears nothing from him, she asks: "Mycroft?". What if he's already hung up? What if he doesn't have the time for this? What if he doesn't have any time for...
"Yes, I am listening", he says calmly and she suppresses a heavy sigh. Sometimes she admires him for his patience. He's a good man. He's her boyfriend, he will understand. Nodding at herself a few times, she tries once more: "Ok, well, I...I have-", she looks at the lables again. "I have a...thing t tell you and it's gonna be...it's news." Realising that she's repeating herself, she steps closer to her bookshelf, her eyes roaming over her words.
the pill
late
TRUTH
Her stomach twists and she wonders if she's going to throw up once more. No, no don't think about that right now! Go ahead, tell him!
Clara steps away from the shelf once more, moving around her living room in circles. It's not helping, it's rather distracting. She stops at her desk, taking the report of immediate change in her hand. Two red stripes. Your life's changing. She did not plan for this. He wouldn't have want her to. He doesn't want to. He won't understand. He will be angry.
"So, what are these news?", he asks and his voice nearly makes her jump. She drops the test and her eyes stray to the shelf, again.
JUST SAY IT
She wants to tear her hair, feels her stomach twist again. It's unbearable. She can't do it! "Shut up!", she exclaimes, suddenly annoyed. "No, shut up! Shut up, I need to talk to you!" She is panting now, her eyes have started to fill with tears and her heart feels as if it's about to jump out of her chest. She's feeling rather warm. Too warm.
JUST SAY IT
"I am listening". His voice is steady, assuring, gentle. As if he's trying to calm her. How is he doing this? How can he always, always be in control?
"Ok, listen! It's not my fault in any way, do you understand?". Her face is burning hot by now and her rage only increases. She wants to hit him through the phone. She wants to throw the phone away, smach it against the shelf and her stupid lables. She wants to run. She wants to turn back time. Back to the point when the whole thing started. Back to the beginning. "I did not plan for this, I can't say that I didn't want to but there wasn't any concious decision on my part! This is not my fault!" Clara stops for breathing, her hand back on her hip.
JUST SAY IT
Still, he sounds calm and peaceful. "I am afraid I cannot follow you". She wants to scream. The thoughts were running wild inside her mind before she phoned him. They were ordered and listed and she knew exactly how to spell them out. But now she finds her mind blank, unable to process and unable to work.
JUST SAY IT
"Ok, look", she tries again. "I...I am-". Her stomach twists painfully and suddenly she cannot breathe properly anymore. Oh, no. Please, no, not now!
"Clara?". She lets her phone drop, clapping a hand to her mouth and runs to the bathroom. When she comes out again, she finds her phone, the connection broken.
Good job, Clara!
She's got one message left on her phone. It's from Mycroft.
"I will see you at your place at 8pm. MH"
Oh, for crying out loud!