A/N This is gonna be my first multi-chapter story, and i hope u like it :)

WARNING! CONTAINS:

Drinks

Drugs

Daddy Issues

mentions of homophobia

slight OOCness? for john?

John bashing, but it gets better at the end

...

Sam was tired. He'd been working extra hard for the past few months, following his father's orders. It wasn't easy, having to bite his tongue to keep from saying something that would upset his father. All he wanted was for his father to recognize him as his son and be proud of him. But all he'd been rewarded with was more disappointed looks and extra training every time he messed up.

They were on a werewolf hunt and Sam was doing his best to keep up, in order to please his father. Dean was following John's every move, obeying orders like the perfect soldier. Sam envied his brother's graceful moves, like a tiger stalking its prey. Sam was more like a clumsy kitten, stumbling after his family with his awkward limbs that he hadn't yet learned to control.

John never hesitated to praise Dean, and as much as Sam loved his brother, he envied him. It was always Dean, Dean, Dean. Their father only ever noticed Sam's mistakes.

They heard a twig snap and they all turned towards the sound. They waited in tense silence for something to come charging out of the bushes. Sure enough, something did.

For Sam, it all happened in slow motion. The werewolf lunged for Dean, who raised his gun, ready to unload two silver bullets into its chest. But Sam was faster, and in a desperate attempt to get his father's attention, he knocked Dean away and raised his own gun. He pulled the trigger just as the monster fell on him, lifeless.

For a few moments, nobody moved. It took Sam a while to realize that the monster wasn't clawing at him and that he was still breathing. He shoved the heavy body off him with a grunt and smiled proudly at his dad. His smile disappeared immediately when he saw that John was livid. He yanked Sam up by the arm to get him to stand.

"What the hell Sam? Are you stupid? Dean had a perfect shot! You could've gotten yourself killed, and messed up the whole hunt. How could you be so reckless?" John yelled, raising his hand when Dean tried to intervene.

"S-sorry. I just wanted-I jus-" Sam struggled to apologize, his father's words stinging like hell.

"Do you even think before doing anything? Why can't you be more like Dean? Dean wouldn't have done something so idiotic, Dean wouldn't h-"

"I'M TRYING OKAY?" Sam's outburst silenced John's tirade. Sam took a deep breath to calm down, to gain some semblance of control before he spoke again. "I'm trying Dad, I really am. But I'm not Dean, dad. I'm Sam. I can't hunt as well as him and I'm sorry. But I'm trying my best and I killed the thing. Isn't that good enough for you? Am I not good enough for you?"

Sam was breathless, and he looked at between his brother and father desperately, silently begging them to understand. Finally, John turned and started walking back to the Impala.

"Try harder." Was all John said.

The ride home was quiet. Sam stared out the window, lump in his throat and tears in his eyes. He refused to let them fall. He wasn't going to cry over this.

"You alright?" Dean asked, eyes roving over Sam, scanning for injuries. Sam nodded. He sighed as Dean lifted a hand from the wheel only to bury it in Sam's hair. The gesture comforted Sam, and he let some of the tension in his body escape. Dean tightened his hold on Sam's hair slightly, enough to make Sam turn to him.

"Dad's right y'know. What you did, it was pretty fucking reckless " Dean said in a stern voice. Sam clenched his fists, but nodded silently.

"Don't do that ever again." Dean's concern for Sam would normally make him feel better knowing that somebody cared about him, but tonight it just made him feel worse. Deep down, he knew his father was right, and that he was the most useless among the three Winchesters. Dean was the perfect one, and Sam would never be like Dean.

Sam hid himself in the bathroom as soon as they arrived at the motel. He took a long and cold shower and brushed his teeth before finally going to bed. He pulled the blanket over his head and tried to sleep, listening to the sounds of Dean and their father shuffling around.

"Pack your bags in the morning, we're leaving at noon." John instructed just as he was about to leave for his own room.

"Hey Dad?" Dean's low voice stopped John in the doorway. "Do you think, maybe, you could cut Sam some slack? He really is trying his best."

"Dean, he's the weakest out of all three of us. He has to keep up. Going easy on him won't help him."

Sam forced himself to stop listening, covering his ears under the blanket. He had no idea how much time passed when he felt Dean rub his back through the blanket. He waited until he's brother fell asleep before he let go.

Sam sobbed silently into his pillow, soaking it with snot and tears. He cried until he used up all of his tears, and was left feeling empty and numb. His thoughts kept him up, not letting him sleep.

Why does he even try? If Dad doesn't accept him even when he tried his best to be the perfect soldier, then why bother? Maybe they'd be better off if he never existed. Sam was just a dead weight anyway.

That's it. I'm done trying.

Sam fell into an uneasy sleep, plagued with nightmares of John and his brother abandoning him for good.

A/N so there's the first chapter! if you liked it, please stick around for the next few chapters :D

AND PLEASE REVIEW AND FAVE! it would mean a lot