Author's Note: After being devastated for 3 days, I decided to just stop watching the 100 live and create my own story out of it. I will fix the mistake Jrat did and try to bring our dear Lexa back. This will be a long ride but I promise to make it interesting. No Beta so all mistakes are mine. There will be angst, romance, drama, fights, the whole deal but Clexa style.
Arkadia, 2150
3 days since Lexa died...
Ever since she returned from Polis she had not left the confines of her room. She simply did not have the strength or will to do so. Her world had been slowly shattered, become completely gray after Lexa died in her arms. Titus had started the Conclave and Clarke couldn't stop her tears from falling when she saw Ontari again. It had made her remember a not so distant past conversation she had with Lexa, one where the idea of Lexa dying was simply that, a far away idea. And, just like Lexa had suspected it, Aden had been chosen by the Spirit of the Commander. And, just as he promised her months ago he pledged his loyalty to the 13th Clan, deciding to aid Clarke in eliminating Pike and his followers. Titus, after what happened with Lexa, had not attempted to kill her and she knew that it was because Lexa made him promise not to. In fact, he had supported Aden's decision and provided Clarke and Murphy safe passage back to Arkadia after Lexa's funeral was over.
Clarke had seen the body of the woman she loved burn in a pyre similar to the one Finn and his victims had been placed all those months ago in TonDc. She had heard the funeral rites, the praises and chants the people of Polis repeated in the middle of the night. This, Clarke realized, was the reason why Lexa had abandoned her at the Mountain. Her people, who were now openly mourning the passing of their leader, had decided to obey the former Heda's wishes to allow Skaikru the chance to redeem themselves. Lexa had succeeded, just as she usually did. She was giving her people peace and that was the legacy she left for many to remember. The Peace Commander.
"I thought I hated her." a demented Clarke was chanting to herself while laying in the dark. "But I don't. I love her." she whispered. "And now she's gone."
Moving around the room, Clarke stared at the walls that were now filled with pictures of the woman she loved. She had been incapable of stopping herself from drawing her face, her smile, her eyes and the way they had looked at her that last day. It haunted her, the way she had smiled while they were kissing in bed, knowing they had to part but hopeful that the next time they met it would be for good. Without the need to say goodbye to one another, to choose others before each other. She had seen the concerned looks her mother and Kane had given her when she arrived to the dropship in one of the horses Titus had given her. Murphy and she had parted ways when they reached the border that separated Arkadia from the rest of grounder territory and she had been both relieved and saddened to see him leave. Something about a woman that he was trying to find and that deserved to know that they deserved more than just surviving. That line had hit her hard and without hesitation she had given him money, clothes and a weapon to aid him in his search. Someone at least deserved to be happy in their fucked-up world. The rebellion that rose against Pike had learned the hard way that the man would do anything in order to keep his power, even kill people of their own. After a small fight, the remaining members of Pike's group decided to camp at the dropship where the 100 had lived before the creation Camp Jaha. It had been ironic for Clarke to see this and yet this small victory did nothing to stop her from remembering the brunette woman. Kane had taken his role of leadership seriously and was slowly rebuilding Arkadia. Now that Pike's followers were gone, the remaining people at the settlement were some members of the 100, Kane's supporters and Jaha's new group of followers. Clarke had been warned by her mother about his presence in camp and the strange chips he was giving people. Numbed completely, the blonde woman had not paid any attention to the warnings and instead chose to recluse herself in her old room, which is where she was right now, delirious and desperate to feel Lexa's warm body on top of hers, soft lips caressing her wounds and mending the pain of her role as a leader away.
"She doesn't have to be." she heard Jaha say to her with a smile on his face while looking around her room.
"What do you mean?" Clarke asked him warily. "And who let you come in here?" she replied angrily. This was her and Lexa's place and no one had the right to enter it.
"The City of Light. There's no pain there, only happiness, encounters with the people we lost and new chances in a better world." Jaha smiled at her. "We all know you're suffering Clarke. I came here to tell you that you no longer have to."
"The dead are gone and the living are hungry." Clarke whispered and choked when she remembered who had told her that.
"Not in the City of Light." he took a chip out of his hand and showed it to Clarke. "Ever since you came back you have been isolated in your room, suffering a senseless loss. You deserve happiness Clarke."
"I am Wanheda. Happiness is the last thing I deserve."
"In the City of Light you would not be Wanheda, only Clarke Griffin. Don't you want that?"
"There's nothing more I desire." she said dejectedly. "But I know that the moment I choose to end my pain it will be the moment I betray her memory. She died for this and I will not let it be in vain."
"Maybe one day you will not have to answer to your people." he told her and earned a surprised look from the blonde woman. "And the moment that happens you can come find me."
"You stay away from my daughter." Clarke heard her mother say to Jaha while taking a look at the room before focusing on the man again. "I still don't know what you're planning with all of this Jaha, but stay away from her."
"All I plan is to bring peace and happiness to my people, nothing more." he shrugged and gave one last look at Clarke. "You know where to find me." he told her and left mother and daughter alone.
"Clarke." Abby said softly. "You need to come out of this room. You need to tell us what happened. You need to start living again." she said while motioning at the walls filled with drawings of a very familiar face.
She was answered with only silence.
"Ever since you returned from Polis you have not spoken a single word to anyone. Octavia refuses to explain why and Indra is just as silent as you are. Should we be worried about the Commander betraying us again?"
This made Clarke react.
"The Commander did not betray us." she said angrily. "We betrayed her. You betrayed her by betraying me and the peace we were trying to build." she started to get more angry. "You allowed Pike to take control, allowed Bellamy to aid him and then kill thousands of people who were there to help us!"
"Clarke..." Abby was trying to calm her.
"And still she did not attack us. She held her forces at bay, earning doubt and anger from her people in return. She tried to maintain peace, she tried her best for Skaikru and we kept on abusing her forgiveness. And she paid for it." Clarke whispered the last part. "I had to see another person I care about die in front of me. For the mistakes of my people." she looked at her mother. "So don't you dare start saying that Lexa betrayed us. She died because of us. Because of me."
Abby looked at her daughter and saw the complete desolation and desperation she was experiencing. Obviously the two women had grown close for Clarke to be this devastated about her death. In fact, she had not seen her react this way when the boy Finn died. She had only seen Clarke like this when Jake was floated. Oh no...
"Clarke..." Abby raised her hands in surrender. "I'm sorry. For not being strong enough to stop Pike. For not being good leaders." she whispered.
"This is not your fault mother." Clarke whimpered. "No one outside of Polis knows. Not yet. And the moment they know it will be chaos."
"What will happen to us?" Abby whispered, scared.
"The new Commander pledged his loyalty to the 13th clan, just like Lexa promised me he would." she smiled sadly. "Aden has done nothing more than continue Lexa's blockade until we eliminate Pike and his followers."
"You mean kill our own people?" Abby asked horrified.
"I mean making the people responsible for genocide pay for their crime." Clarke whispered. "Blood must have blood."
"That's not our way Clarke." Abby said strongly.
"It is now." Clarke answered angrily. "It is what must be done if we want peace. And I am tired of war, of losing people I care about because of the mistakes and stubbornness of a few."
"But Bellamy is a part of them. Will you let Octavia's brother be killed? Will you kill him?"
"I will do what I must." she replied somberly. "He knew very well what he was doing when he murdered injured and defenseless grounders. Only this way we will have peace. Kane knows this. You know this."
"Just because I do that doesn't mean I agree with it."
"It is more than what we deserve." Clarke said solemnly. "Lexa knew that the crimes of a small group should not be paid by a whole clan." she smiled sadly. "She was a visionary."
"You loved her." Abby said softly, feeling saddened about her daughter's continued suffering.
"I love her." Clarke corrected her. "And I never told her. She never knew how I felt."
"She must have known. She must have known you cared." her mother tried to calm her.
"I hope so." she was now crying openly. "Because everything she did she did it for me. To protect me from the pain of losing my people. I know that now."
"Then don't let her sacrifice be in vain. Help us. Be the leader you were meant to be, the one the Commander recognized the moment she asked you to meet. Your people need you again, Clarke."
Clarke looked at her mother and understood what she meant. That she had been born for this, and had been meant to be a leader of her people just like Lexa. She took a deep breath and stood up, realizing that it was time to make the people responsible for Lexa's death pay.
Jus drein jus daun.
Polis, 2150
"That woman..." Clarke started muttering while moving around her room in anger and annoyance. "And how stupid can they be?!" she screamed and threw a vase to the wall. "Shit."
"Wanheda?" she heard a maid ask from outside the door. "Are you alright?"
"Sha." she replied evenly. "Just dropped something."
Closing her eyes to calm herself down, she tried her best to not yell again. She had been first brought to Polis against her will and there was nothing she could do about it. Guards were placed at her room's door and maids entered and did everything she asked them to. Lexa's hospitality had been at first irritable, and although the Commander had tried to talk to her, Clarke had refused to see her. Surprisingly, the brunette had respected her wishes and left her to her own devices until she needed Clarke. Lexa had offered Skaikru a spot at her Coalition, to be the 13th Clan and before Mount Weather happened that was everything Clarke had ever wanted for her people. But now she wanted nothing to do with the Trikru, with Lexa. So to be placed in such a role was getting on her nerves, making her hatred for the older woman grow and become poisonous. So poisonous that she hated herself for even considering Roan's offer. But she was already a mass murderer. One more life to add to her death sheet was not much.
Or that was what she thought until she found herself with a knife in her hand and the Commander's neck softly caressing it. She had been so close, had even be allowed by Lexa to claim her revenge. Had called it justice and murmured Jus drein jus daun before Clarke lowered the knife and threw it to the floor. She had been weak, again, and it had almost destroyed her to see Lexa apologize to her for the first time for what happened. Perhaps it was that soft admission of fault, not towards Skaikru, but towards Clarke, what was now making her bow to the Commander. And surprisingly, Lexa had answered her in the same way, making a promise of loyalty and fealty of her own in the middle of the night. A loyalty that had been immediately tested when the Ice Nation challenged the legitimacy of Skaikru as the 13th Clan and Lexa had to defend them. A duel to the death with Roan, a fighter that had intimated Clarke when she saw him easily kill three soldiers. And that same man was going to fight Lexa just because the Commander was being doubted. Doubted for her mercy, for her desire to have peace. And Clarke, not wanting to see Lexa die because then Skaikru would also fall (or that was what she was telling herself), tried everything to stop the fight. Nevertheless, it had been Lexa the one successful, the one that had showed the people of Polis that she was Heda by killing the Ice Queen and placing Roan as the new King. The relief Clarke had felt when the fight was over overwhelmed her and made her realize that her anger was slowly dissipating, it instead being replaced by concern. It was that, Clarke recognized, what was making her feel so conflicted right now. She wanted to trust Lexa but knew she was incapable of doing so. And it seems that Lexa knew it as well because tonight had been the first time she'll seen vulnerability in those beautiful eyes. Lexa was doing everything in her power to show her she cared, to show her a different side of the Commander and that was making Clarke face her own feelings for the brunette woman.
Lucky for her, she was brought out of her own line of thought when she heard someone knocking her door.
"I said I'm fine." Clarke replied tersely. The last thing she wanted was for a maid to stay in her room cleaning. She needed the space to think.
Again someone knocked.
"I said..." Clarke started to get close to the door but before she could reach it someone opened it and collided with the blonde. "What the hell?!" she said angrily and opened her eyes to see a woman lying on her back. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Entering your room before someone sees me of course." she heard a familiar voice and Clarke froze when she saw an older version of herself getting up.
"What..." she stuttered while separating from the woman. "What is this?"
"I know this is strange, but before I answer any questions tell me the year." other Clarke said to her.
"Strange?!" Clarke raised her voice. "Nothing strange in seeing another me in my room. And it's 2150. What year are you from?"
"Shit." the blonde woman muttered and started to move around. "2152."
"You're from the future!" younger Clarke screamed.
"Strange?!" Clarke raised her voice. "Nothing strange in seeing an older me in my room."
"Stop screaming or someone will come to check on you." she got scolded by herself. "I should be the one angry at you!"
"Why?! I have done nothing wrong!" Clarke started fighting back. About what she had no idea. But she didn't like the way this woman was staring at her. With hatred in her eyes.
"Yes you did! I don't know what you did, but you will fix it!" the older woman continued saying and younger Clarke saw tears falling from her eyes. "My life, all of it, gone." she whispered completely broken.
"I think I finally lost my mind." younger Clarke said and went to sit down near the bed. "I will close my eyes, count to ten and when I open them again you will be gone." she started counting and when she reached 10 she saw that her older self was still there.
"Satisfied?" she asked sarcastically while getting closer to her. "Listen, I reacted badly and I'm sorry for that." she took a deep breath. "But you need to accept that I'm real and I'm you."
"But this is impossible." younger Clarke mumbled.
"We both know that the moment we reached the ground the impossible became possible."
"Then explain." younger Clarke challenged her. "How is it possible for you to be here?
"I can't. I don't know how myself. I just know that when I woke up I was not in my home and I was here instead. I decided to take my chances and find you, well, myself."
"Home? You mean Camp Jaha?" younger Clarke asked her and saw the older woman smile softly.
"No. I don't live there anymore."
"If not there then where do you live?"
"Polis." future Clarke simply answered.
"So we have peace?" younger Clarke smiled happily.
"It took a while but yes, we finally achieved peace."
"Lexa?" younger Clarke hesitated in asking but she just had to know. Was she still alive?
"She's well." future Clarke told her and younger Clarke took a deep breath. "A feat not a single Commander before her has ever achieved."
Younger Clarke noticed the way her older self was smiling when talking about the woman. She knew that look very well, hell, she had to because it was the same one she made when thinking of the same woman.
"You love her." younger Clarke said and this made the future Clarke's smile disappear.
"She's my life." she said strongly, without hesitation. "She's my houmon."
"Your wife?" Clarke stuttered, completely shocked. She was married to Lexa! "But that can't be! She betrayed me! I mean us!" she was confused. "At Mount Weather. She abandoned us! I mean me."
"No she didn't." future Clarke replied just as confused. "She rejected the deal the Mountain Men offered her. Chose to fight and it took us a while but we freed our people."
"But that's impossible." younger Clarke said dejectedly.
"It seems that the way things happened in our realities are completely different." future Clarke realized. "And if she betrayed you, I mean us, then why are you here in this room?"
"I don't know." younger Clarke answered. "I should be angry, I should hate her for what she did."
"But you understand why she did it." future Clarke smiled knowingly.
"Yes..." younger Clarke sat down in the bed. "The way her people look at her, they adore her. And I can see why. She gives everything for them, does what she can to keep them safe. And in return they offer her their loyalty."
"Unlike our own." future Clarke saw pain go through her younger self eyes. "Trust me, I know what you're talking about."
"Is it awful of me to feel these things for her when she betrayed me?"
"I think my opinion on the subject is biased because I'm married to her. I already love her and would do anything for her."
"I don't trust her. I'm starting to. But then everything else is just so confusing. I know she cares about me. I'm not stupid."
"It's her eyes." future Clarke chuckled.
"Yes." younger Clarke agreed. "So Lexa, I mean your Lexa, didn't betray you."
"She didn't. After we kissed and I told her that I needed more time we had to worry about Mount Weather. It took many months after that victory for us to see each other again. When it happened I knew that I was ready and that what I felt for her was true."
"Wish it could be that easy for me." younger Clarke muttered.
"Lexa is not an easy person to love. She has lost too much and that's why she protects herself." future Clarke grabbed her younger self's hand. "But she will open up to you. Just give her time."
"That's what we don't have. Time."
"What do you mean?" future Clarke asked concerned.
"Things here are not peaceful. I'm here in Polis as an Ambassador to Skaikru. But they're messing everything up."
"If they're doing so why are you here and not there fixing things?"
"I can't." younger Clarke whispered. "I had to do something horrible at Mount Weather. And each time I see my people I remember what I had to do for them. I just can't."
"You had to pull the lever, didn't you?" future Clarke asked softly. "Alone."
"You pushed it too."
"We pushed it together." future Clarke smiled sadly. "I was not alone."
Younger Clarke understood very well what her older self meant. Lexa had pulled it with her. "Me neither. But I made the decision. It was my call."
"Victory stands on the back of sacrifice." future Clarke told her.
"I know that saying very well."
"Perhaps it's time you take it to heart and return to your people, our people."
"I think I'm getting there." younger Clarke confessed.
"Perhaps the moment you do it it will be the moment I return home." future Clarke sounded hopeful.
"Are you happy?" her younger self asked her.
"Immensely." she said without doubt. "I never imagined life could be this good, this peaceful. I miss her." she whispered.
"I will help you return to her. I know that at least one version of myself deserves to be happy."
"Or maybe that's why I'm here. To help you find your happiness." future Clarke realized.
"I know what you're thinking and that is not the answer. I don't love Lexa."
"But you care about her."
"Caring and loving are two completely different things."
"But it can be love. You just have to give her a chance." future Clarke insisted.
"I did. And she betrayed me." younger Clarke said firmly.
"Trust me when I tell you that this is the way for me to return. I have a feeling about this."
"We don't know that for sure and you can't force me to love a person."
"But you already love her. She's our soulmate." future Clarke said loudly. "No matter in which place, time or situation we are, we will always love Lexa Kom Trikru."
"So we don't have the free will to choose who we love?" younger Clarke asked angrily.
"We do, but we know that we will love no other person more than her. For once don't be stubborn and trust me."
"You're being stubborn as well."
"This is my only chance to go back to my own life!" future Clarke screamed.
"We don't know that!" younger Clarke screamed back at herself. "Until we figure out why you're here and fix it you must stay inside this room. No one can see you."
"Ok." future Clarke agreed.
"And you can't see her." her younger self warned her.
"Hard to do if I can't leave the room." future Clarke said angrily. "You're making a mistake Clarke."
"The woman you love is not the same woman I know." younger Clarke said softly. "If she were she wouldn't have betrayed me."
"She must have had her reasons. Have you even let her explain why she did what she did?" she saw the way her younger self avoided her eyes. "I knew it. You're too scared to ask her because you know the moment you realize the truth you will forgive her. And you don't want to forgive her."
"How can I forgive her? After what she did."
"You won't know until you ask her. But trust me when I tell you that ignoring your feelings will cause you nothing more than unnecessary pain."
"More pain than the one I have felt would not be something new." younger Clarke murmured and left her older self alone. She needed time to grasp what had just happened.
Polis, 2152
"Can I come in?" Clarke asked when the guards that usually kept watch at Lexa's doors allowed her to move forward.
"Clarke of the Sky People." Lexa said while smiling softly at her. "What can I do for you?"
"I came to say goodbye." she saw the way the Heda's smile disappeared.
"Already?" the brunette woman asked her.
"Ever since we destroyed the Mountain our people seem to be getting better along. Negotiations don't last as long as they used to." she teased the older woman.
"Indeed." Lexa smiled softly at her. "I don't want to see you go." she whispered.
"I don't want to go." Clarke confessed to her while getting closer.
"Then don't go." the brunette murmured and looked at soft eyes staring longingly. "You can stay here."
"There's no reason for the Ambassador of Skaikru to stay in Polis when no Coalition business is occurring."
"I'm not asking the Ambassador of Skaikru to stay here." Lexa said softly. "I'm asking SkaiHeda Clarke."
"Lexa..." Clarke closed her eyes.
"I'm trying." Lexa muttered angrily. "The Spirit knows I'm trying but all I think about is you. Ever since we kissed I have longed for you. Am I alone in feeling these things?"
"You know you aren't." Clarke confessed. "But we can't. Your people would not accept it. My people would not accept it."
"Because I'm a savage?" Lexa spat.
"You know that's not what I feel. But there are others in my clan that are naive and fail to realize that we are all the same. Until that happens we can't."
"That's not the whole truth, is it?" Lexa asked her. "You're scared. You don't want to face what you feel for me and that's why you use your people as an excuse."
"Do you really think your people would accept me as the houmon of Heda?" Clarke asked angrily. "Me, a mere Skaikru."
"You are no mere Skaikru. You are SkaiHeda, feller of the Mountain and Ambassador of Polis. My people would have no say in who I am with because my houmon is mine. Not the one of the Commander."
"You are the Commander, Lexa." Clarke said sadly. "You told me that your people will always come first."
"And that is true." Lexa reaffirmed her.
"Then how do you want me to enter a union with you when there is the possibility of you choosing your people over me?"
"Because I want your people to become my people." Lexa said softly. "I want Skaikru to join my Coalition. Become the 13th Clan."
"Lexa..." Clarke whispered completely shocked. "Why now?"
"You said it yourself. Our people are getting better along, understanding and accepting each other. This is the next step, the one that will prevent a war from happening again." Lexa explained to her while getting close to her and grabbing her hands.
"What of the Ice Queen? She has been trying to find a way to keep Skaikru isolated. Inviting us to your Coalition is a way to do the complete opposite. Even force them to trade with us."
"It matters not what Nia thinks." Lexa said strongly.
"And are you sure that's wise?" Clarke teased her softly. "You were the one who told me to make decisions with my head and not my heart."
Lexa stared at Clarke seriously and this made the blonde's smile disappear.
"Ever since I met you I have done things differently. Ignored my own advice and warnings. And now that I find myself in this position, in love with you, I cannot force myself to pretend that what I feel for you is not real. I will not."
"Oh Lexa..." Clarke whispered and hugged the brunette woman.
"I can't be without you anymore, Clarke Kom Skaikru. Don't we deserve better than just surviving?" the brunette whimpered.
"We do." Clarke remembered what she had told Lexa all those months ago and realized that that was what they were doing. Just surviving.
"Then stay." Lexa begged her. "Become the 13th Clan. Stay with me." she whispered the last sentence.
"It will not be easy." Clarke warned her again. "Many will oppose us. Many will challenge us and our union."
"Then let them challenge us." Lexa replied fiercely. "Ai laik Heda. No one fights for me."
"For us." Clarke smiled softly. "No one fights for us."
"Then you will stay?" Lexa asked her and Clarke could see the hope shining in the brunette's eyes.
"I love you, Lexa Kom Trikru. All I want to do is stay." she whispered and closed her eyes when she felt Lexa's soft lips on top of hers.
This, Clarke thought while kissing Lexa with renewed hunger and longing, this was worth it.
"Ai hod yu in, SkaiHeda Clarke." Lexa whispered again and allowed Clarke to softly push her to the bed. "I swear fealty to you." she continued saying while the blonde woman was taking her shirt off. "I vow to treat your needs as my own." she moaned when warm hands pushed her pants down. "And your people as my own." she closed her eyes and exhaled when she felt Clarke's lips slowly moving down her body.
"Forever?" Clarke whispered while she felt her own clothes being taken off by eager hands.
"Until the end of our days and all the other ones to come." Lexa vowed and that was the last thing the two of them said to each other before clothes were flying away and only their moans could be heard.