Need You Now
Disclaimer:
I own nothing save Brielle Cullen.
Rating:
K+
Genre:
Romance/Drama
Pairing:
Carlisle/Bella
Author's Note:
I got the idea for this story while listening to "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum. I heard the duet of the male and female vocals and just thought this would make a beautiful musical-style fic. I can litterally see Carlisle and Bella singing this song for/to each other in my head!
Change Me
"Change me?" We had had this...discussion before. I knew how much Bella wanted to be one of us. Honestly, I would love nothing more than to give Bella the immortality she so desperately wanted. But, I would not end her human life. Not if it could be avoided. I love her more than my own life. I would love nothing more than to have her with me for all eternity. But, I will not be the end of her human life. Not if she has a choice. I know the consequences of her choice and I'm not entirely convinced she truly understands them. I would hate to be the reason for her alienating her family.
"Bella...I love you and you know that. But, I won't end your life." I try to deny her gently. I know she is getting frustrated. Although I cannot see her thoughts, but, I know her faith in my love for her is fading despite my desperate attempts to prove myself to her. And, honestly, I could not blame her. I do love her, but, I cannot bring myself to give her what she is asking for. I will not be that selfish.
"Carlisle, I am sick of this! I love you! I dream of being with you forever! That is what I want! I want to be by your side for all of eternity! Do you want that?! Do you want to be with me forever?!" Bella is hurt and I ache for the pain I have caused the woman I love. In that moment, I hate myself. The thought of surrendering to the Quileutes sounds incredibly alluring. I feel my heart begin to break when I see the tears welling up in her eyes.
"Of course I do! I love you more than anything! I would love to be with you forever! But, I will not be the end of your life. I cannot and will not allow myself to be that selfish." I am telling her the truth. I will not do that to her. I cannot inflict that kind of pain or heartache.
"But, I'm dying already! Every day, every moment, every breath brings me that much closer! How can you be with me forever when I'm dead and you still continue living?! And, don't even think about going to the Volturi! I will not allow you to kill yourself over me! The only solution is to change me! That's just the way it is!" Bella's yelling at me, now. I flinch involuntarily at the sheer power and force behind her words. I hate making Bella this angry with me. It hurts me more than words could ever quantify.
"That's not a solution." I admitted. "That's a tragedy." And, that's the truth. It would be tragic for me to change Bella. I have to think of her friends and family as she seems willing to abandon them and leave everything she knows behind. She may not be able to see it, now...But, I know she would come to hate me one day for robbing her of her family and friends. That's exactly what I would be doing. Robbing her of the important things in life.
"I have had it, Carlisle! Clearly, you don't want to be with me forever!" Bella's words stung like acid. They cut me deeper than any blade ever could. How could she think I would not want her forever. I love her and I know, in my heart, I will never love anyone else. Not the way I love her. She is my soul mate. My better half, if you will. How could anyone not want to be with Bella forever?! She was so beautiful-inside and out. She was so good, so pure, so...innocent. Who would not fall in love with her? No one I can think of, that's for sure.
"That's not true." My voice is small and broken. I hate myself for hurting her her this way. That was always the one thing I had promised I would never do and I was breaking that promise. I was right. I had be damned. If not for being a vampire, hurting Bella had to have those consequences.
"Yes, it is, Carlisle! If you did, you would change me! You would make me like you so that we could spend eternity together!" Her tears flowed freely, now. "If this is about my soul, take it! I don't want it! Not if it means losing you!" I cannot believe what she is saying. She cannot possibly understand the meaning of what she is asking.
"I could never do that to you. You would hate me." She looks at me as though I have lost my mind. Who knows? Maybe I am crazy. Crazy for trying to fool myself into thinking I could have something that I was never meant to have. Mental disease is the only logical explanation I can think of. "Maybe not today...or tomorrow...or the next day. But, the point is that you would...And, I could never live with myself knowing that you hated me." I hang my head. I cannot look her in the eyes knowing how deeply I have hurt her.
I hear her move to leave. "Where are you going?" I ask. Deep down, I think I know the answer. I always knew this day would come. How many times could she take my rejection and still stay with me? How many times could I say 'no' to her without expecting her to up leave me? I would be lying to say that I was shocked by what happened next.
"I'm leaving." She told me. Her voice is empty. Dead. There is no emotion in it. "I just...I just can't stay here anymore, Carlisle. You clearly aren't going to want me forever...So, then, you're obviously going to leave me, eventually." How could she say that?! How could she think I could walk away from her? It was not physically possible! She was the best thing to ever happen to me. For the first time in three and a half centuries, I felt alive when I was with her. I could never walk away from that.
"I could never..." My voice trails off. I know there's no point. Bella has made up her mind. I will not force her to stay in a relationship she no longer wants to be a part of. But, I can't stop my heart from shattering into a million microscopic pieces when she announces her exit.
Without another word, Bella's gone. Gone from our home and gone from my life. There was no point in fighting it. My knees give out and I crumple to the ground. Where the hell are those damn dogs when you want them?! At this point, I would love nothing more than for one of them to rip me to shreds. Anything would be better than living with this pain. It felt as though Bella had ripped my heart out of my chest and did a river dance on it. I know that I will never be the same after this.
I hear the garage door open and the roar of the engine in Bella's truck. I can hear her stomp the gas and speed away. I do not know where she is going, but, I am certain she will never return. I will not chase after her. She deserves to move on. Bella needs this. She needs the chance to forget about me and move on with her life. I can only hope-for her sake-that she will find someone more deserving of her devine perfection than a monster such as myself. I know, now, that I must be a monster as I can think of no other reasonable explanation for hurting Bella the way I have. I will not follow her. I will no interfere with her new life. It's the only way she will ever have a hope of moving on and falling in love again.
That thought kills me. I envision Bella in the arms of someone else and my heart breaks all over again. I always wanted her to be mine forever. Though, I knew that would not happen. It could not happen unless I gave into her will which I could not allow myself to do. This was best for Bella. She should find another human man that can give her all the things I cannot. I know she is not thinking about things like marriage and a family of her own, right now. But, I know she will someday. And, while I could marry her, I could never give her a family of her own. Maybe not today, but, she would thank me for this, one day. Maybe not in the immediate future, but, eventually.