I don't own Chuck. Actually, I don't own much of anything.
I'm not really un-retiring… not yet anyway. This is not new content. In fact, it is almost ten years old. Like many of us at the time, I quickly fell in love with the love story of two unlikely people, Chuck Bartowski and Sarah Walker. We were all frustrated that the show's first season was interrupted by a writer's strike at the point when it looked like they were just about to get together. In hindsight, that 'just about' took two more years. But anyway, I went looking for something to fill my desire to know more about this couple. I eventually stumbled onto this site.
I didn't know that anything like fanfiction existed. There was already a community of folks dedicated to telling the exact story I was dying to read. It was a match made in heaven. They were having so much fun talking about their stories, and life in general, that I wanted to join. So I decided to write a story, mostly as an excuse to join their conversation.
The thing is, I'm not a writer. As a result that first effort was… well, embarrassing. My hand was shaking so badly that I could barely click the link to post the first chapter. But something magical happened. I received my first review… and I was hooked.
The community quickly started helping me to grow as a writer. One of the first, LeeCan, sorta took me under his wing. And gradually, I got better. One of the things I learned over the years was to not be in such a hurry to tell the story, to allow it to evolve.
About the storyline. At the time this was originally written, between seasons one and two, we thought of Sarah as a reluctant spy. She really longed for home and family. Over time, we learned that she was a more complex character. I have always seen her (and still do) as lovesick… in love for the first time in her life and not knowing how to deal with it. At first, I was admittedly in far too big of a hurry to get her there. One of the things that I always loved about Chuck and Sarah is that they were so different. They look at things differently. They both had serious flaws. One is strong where the other was weak. It's actually recognizing those differences that make them such an unbreakable couple. Together, they fill in each other's gaps and depend on each other. So instead of WT/WT, I try and put them together and let them work out those differences as a couple.
So hopefully, I can fix those things here. One other thing. When I first started writing, there were several teenaged girls, just a little younger than my daughter, in the community who were my friends. Call me old fashioned, but I was uncomfortable writing anything about sex knowing they would be reading. Now those girls are grown women. So I'm not nearly as uncomfortable. This will always be T. But it will be more descriptive.
Look, I get that interest in things Chuck has waned. That's as it should be. So, while I'd always love to hear from you, I'm not doing this for hits or reviews. I'm doing this for me. Hopefully you can enjoy it as well.
The Doghouse
x-x-x-x-x
It had already been a long night.
Sarah, Casey, and Chuck were driving home… in silence.
Sarah sat in the dark van going through the events of the evening in her mind… and fought to keep in the frustrated sigh.
Oh, the mission had been successful, from almost every perspective. The De Carlos drug cartel was officially no more. With the information they had learned, Beckman had already seized their financial accounts. Her teams were in the process of rounding up the remaining key members. It was a huge win for the world. Even personally there were some good things. They had caught the bad guys. Casey was able to bust a few heads. Sarah even got to use the new roundhouse kick she had been working on in the gym. She smiled briefly as she remembered the shocked look on that scumbag's face as he was falling to the ground. That was always fun.
And Chuck… as always, Chuck was brilliant. He was their secret weapon, the only reason they had a chance. He even flashed on some unexpected very bad guys and was able to give Casey a heads up just before he was ambushed. Chuck had almost certainly saved Casey's life tonight… for the umpteenth time.
Most people would call tonight a success, accept the praise from the grateful brass, and look forward to the next mission. Unfortunately, Sarah Walker wasn't most people. She was a perfectionist. And there was a flaw in their team that most wouldn't recognize. She wasn't even sure that Casey recognized it.
It was a pattern that was becoming all too common. On almost every one of these types of missions, Sarah would need to use her… um, special skills, to keep some mark occupied. Admittedly it wasn't that tough. Most men melted when she flashed those baby blues. But then, at some point in the evening, she would look at Chuck and see his sad eyes. Damn his big sad eyes.
This was complicated. The reality was that this was her problem more than Chuck's. She could forgive him being jealous. Truth be told, part of her got that certain tingle every time it happened. But on a mission there was no room for jealousy or cute tingles. Drawing attention to yourself could get you killed. Chuck was definitely drawing attention to himself. Tonight, even the mark had noticed. It called for some quick thinking to get his focus back on her. Fortunately, leaning over to pick up that paper from the floor… and giving him the cheap thrill of thinking he had copped a full view of her chest down her top did the trick.
It was hard to blame Chuck for this… well, not completely anyway. The game they had been playing for the past year and more was just as much her doing. The plain truth was that she was intentionally sending him mixed signals. How could she possibly blame him for being confused? It was just a matter of time before something very bad was going to happen. Sarah just couldn't let that happen. She hadn't given up her chance at a normal life, endured countless hours of training, and risked her life more times than she could count to fail now. Try as she might to stay professional, she knew she was failing. She knew herself well enough to understand that failing… at anything really, would never be acceptable. Even worse, if it went bad, it wouldn't take the brass long at all to figure out a solution. They would take her away from him. That couldn't happen.
Sarah knew that staying professional gave her the best chance at protecting Chuck. It was something that she had to remind herself of almost every night. After all, that's what really mattered… protecting Chuck. It was her job… mostly because it was her sworn duty but partly because she couldn't bear the thought of something bad happening to him. Or was it mostly because she couldn't bear the thought of something bad happening to him?
It was an uncomfortable question… one that was constantly lurking around in her head. Sarah was spared having to answer it when they finally, mercifully, arrived at Casey's for the usual post mission debriefing. Whichever it was, Sarah knew that something had to change.
She also knew what that change had to be.
x-x-x-x-x
The debriefing had gone incredibly well. Sarah knew that it would. The brass didn't know or care about the problems in a mission. They just cared about the results. Sarah couldn't deny that the results had been very good. Beckman was in a better mood than Sarah could remember.
In years past, Sarah would have lived for these moments. She enjoyed getting praise in these debriefing sessions. After all, it was much more fun than the alternative of standing at attention getting screamed at when things didn't go well. Tonight oddly, the praise had the opposite effect. She knew that they were lucky… also knew that luck wouldn't last forever. The more the General raved about the fine job, the more Sarah fumed. She wasn't quite sure exactly how yet… she just knew that she had to fix this. Fortunately, just as Sarah was ready to scream, the meeting mercifully ended.
Sarah could tell that Casey knew something was wrong. He didn't say anything but he had that smirk… the one that she hated… the one that begged to be punched off his stupid face. There was no sense letting him know anything. Especially since she wasn't sure how this was going to turn out. Sarah turned to Chuck who was getting ready to leave and forced a flat smile. "Walk me to my car?"
Casey wasn't the only one who knew something was wrong. Chuck could obviously feel that she was upset. He also knew her well enough to be pretty sure that he was somehow the root cause. He would have much rather retreated to the relative safety of his room and allow her the space to cool off. But he also knew that it wasn't a request. "Okay," he relied rather dejectedly.
As they walked to the car, Chuck kept waiting for the dressing down that he knew was coming. With each step, the anticipation grew and grew. Finally when they arrived at the car his nerves were on edge. She must really be pissed. There were few things in life that were worse than a Sarah Walker silent treatment. Not knowing what else to do, he opened her door for her. "Well, goodnight, Sarah," he said.
"Get in," was her terse response. "We need to talk."
Talk about a surprise. But, again, it wasn't a request. Chuck had no idea where they were headed as she drove in silence. After what seemed like forever, they pulled into Sarah's building. They walked into her room, still without saying a word.
As each silent second passed, Chuck absolutely knew that he was in more and more trouble. Finally, he couldn't take the tension any longer. "Um, Sarah, what did you want to talk about?" he asked.
All of Sarah's pent up frustration came pouring out. She rounded on him angrily. "I want to know what the hell your problem is?" she demanded, maybe a little louder than she had meant to.
Chuck wasn't surprised at her anger, had been waiting for it. He had studied her for over a year, knew full well that she was a hothead. With Sarah, frustration quickly boiled over into anger. She'd calm down in a bit… if he could survive that long. At least the screaming was better than the silent treatment. He knew exactly what she meant… but maybe playing dumb would buy him a few moments to calm her down. It was worth a shot. "I don't know what you mean," he answered as he stared at the floor.
No sale. "Come on, Chuck," Sarah growled sarcastically. "You know damned well what I'm talking about. Are you trying to get us killed? Do you think this is some sort of game? Do you realize how dangerous these people are? Do you? You just can't keep blowing our cover every time I need to get close to someone. I'm just so pissed at you right now. I don't think I've ever been this pissed."
A new record. At least that was something impressive. Chuck wisely stood there and let her rant as she detailed his many screw ups over the past weeks. It went on for a long time… and it was filled with an impressive string of obscenities. When Sarah used that language, she was really pissed. The worse part was, she was absolutely right. It was affecting the missions. He had no right to be jealous. They weren't a real couple and never would be. She had made that very clear. Besides, he had never seen the fire in her eyes he was now seeing. So holding his tongue seemed like the smart play. Not that he had much of a choice because he wouldn't have gotten a word in edgewise anyway.
Finally she was done talking. "Well?" she demanded. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
Chuck looked the floor. Holding his tongue was no longer an option. But he also knew that he needed to calm her down. "I'm really sorry," he began. "I get jealous… and I have absolutely no right. I know that. We're not a real couple. You're doing your job. I just can't help it." That last part was so soft that Sarah could barely hear him. "It's too hard to watch you give to other men what I want so badly. I guess I panic a little when I see you with those men. That's not your problem. I do get that. It's mine. I'll try harder. I truly am sorry."
Sarah had been so pent up with her own emotions that she was surprised by his admission. She had expected him to put up more of a fight. As she looked at Chuck standing there trying to blink away tears, the guilt that had always been there for her, an inch below the surface, was suddenly overwhelming. Here was the sweetest man in the world, standing there apologizing for being in love with her. It took everything she had not to throw her arms around him and comfort him. But she also knew that she needed to resolve this and tonight was her chance. "I know, Chuck," she said. "This isn't completely your fault. I struggle with it too. I thought if we kept our feelings out of the picture, we'd be okay. That was my decision and it's obviously not working… for either of us. We'll need to try something else. The way I see it, we only have two choices. But either way we have to resolve this tonight."
Chuck wondered what choices she could mean. Maybe she was pondering two different ways to kick his ass… she still looked pretty pissed. But she was in charge. He slightly nodded to her to let her know she had his attention.
Sarah just stood there looking at him for a long time. "The first choice is obvious," she finally began. "I'll ask for a reassignment and they'll assign someone who can be more professional to take my place. Hopefully that person will be able to protect you better than I can. Of course, that means we'll never see each other again. That would be hard."
Sarah was bluffing and she knew it. It was an empty threat. It wouldn't be hard. It would be impossible. That ship had sailed a long time ago when she didn't leave with Bryce. "The second choice is more complicated," she continued, "We admit that we have feelings for each other and start having more of a real relationship."
Naturally that got Chuck's attention. His face shot up to meet Sarah's, a smile forming on his lips.
"Before you get too excited," Sarah warned. "I have some serious conditions."
Chuck didn't respond but his eyes told Sarah to continue.
Sarah willed the anger from her voice. This was her only chance to keep control of this situation. "We have to face the realities of our situation," she began. "You're a very valuable asset to the nation's security. Very bad people are trying to capture or kill you. I'm assigned to protect you. Chuck, no matter how real we get, that has to be my first priority. It's the only way this works. My first condition is that whenever we're on assignments, which is most of the time, our relationship is strictly professional. I'm your handler and you are my asset. When I tell you to stay in the car, you stay in the damn car. When I tell you to run from the bomb, you run from the bomb. Agreed?
Chuck simply nodded, too stunned to speak.
Sarah looked at him. He was so cute. But this wasn't the time to let down her guard. So she pressed her advantage. "There's more," she continued. "My second condition is that our superiors can't find out. That would take things out of my hands. You have no idea what I'm putting on the line here. Having a real relationship with your asset goes against every single piece of training I've ever had. They would reassign me faster than Jeff can find porn on the Internet. That also means Casey can't know. I'm not sure what he would do and I don't want to find out. I'm sure he suspects something already. Agreed?"
Chuck just nodded again for her to continue.
Now Sarah was fighting to keep the grin from her face. "Third condition," she said. "This is the most important one. I'm a CIA agent. I'm trained to get close to men. The way I do that is by flirting with them. It's a fact of life. I'm very good at it. It's a weapon that has saved our lives countless times. Since I don't know any other way, it's going to continue to regularly happen. You're going to have to witness that without freaking out." She paused for effect. "Okay, those are my conditions. Do you have any questions?"
"I have a couple," Chuck replied, eyes still firmly on the floor. "How will this thing work?"
"I'm not sure what you mean," Sarah replied.
"Will this relationship include… umm… physical things… like… kissing?"
Sarah knew that she needed to relax the drill sergeant routine a little. So she didn't answer, not really. She just stepped up and pressed her lips to his. At first it was hard and urgent. But the longer the kiss lingered, it became much more loving. Sarah quickly realized that this moment was the new highlight of her life.
Chuck obviously thought so too. His grin was threatening to break his face in two. "I'd call that a big yes," he said as soon as the kiss broke. "Sex?"
Sarah narrowed her eyes. "Come on Chuck," she replied disgustedly. "Seriously. Is that all men ever think about? Is that all you want from me … sex?"
Chuck's eyes widened in horror as he tried to retreat. "Of course not," he said quickly. "I'm sorry that it came out like that. Sex isn't that important to me. Not that I mean it's not important. I mean… um, I mean I'm just trying to figure out how real this relationship is going to be."
Sarah could no longer keep the grin from her face. His bumbling was just so damned cute. "I'm teasing you a little," she said. "I'll answer your question this way. I've dreamt about us every single night for over a year. There is no way that you're getting out of this deal without giving me regular sex… when that starts is sort of up to you. Right now I'm too pissed at you to even think about it. When you fix that, we'll talk about sex."
Sarah's was now openly laughing as she was enjoying Chuck's obvious discomfort. "You said that you had a couple of questions," she continued. "What is your second one?"
Chuck finally looked Sarah in the eye and she could see a twinkle starting to form. "You're offering me a real relationship," he stated. "Are you going to tell me how you really feel about me?"
That stopped Sarah's laughing in its tracks. She was shocked. She hadn't expected Chuck to ask that. That was pretty stupid. Knowing Chuck, it was obvious that's the first thing he'd want to know. Damn. Why hadn't she thought this through? Now it was her turn to look at the floor. "You know that I'm not very good at talking about my feelings," she said softly. "Is this something you really need to hear?"
Now it was Chuck's turn to press his advantage. "I need to hear it once," he replied. "I get that you're the strong, silent type. I'm fine with that. But so far, this has sounded like a mission briefing. No offense, but I'd like to know there's at least a little romance involved."
Sarah looked at him uncomfortably. He was right. It did sound like a mission briefing. Why wouldn't it? That's all she knew. But what to tell him that wouldn't make this worse? She knew that she absolutely couldn't tell him the truth. That would be the worst possible thing. It was terrifying. A year ago she didn't even believe in love. Love was something for suckers and silly dreamers. And even now, long after she could no longer deny it to herself, it was still scary. It implied a future. And that led directly into the second thing.
If she told Chuck that she was helplessly in love with him and had been for a long time, he'd go absolutely nuts. As soon as she scraped him off the ceiling, he'd immediately start planning their wedding and looking for good schools for their kids. Not only wasn't she ready for those discussions, it would take all of the control that she had just carefully negotiated to keep him safe and flush it down the toilet. They would be right back to where they were. But if she wasn't going to tell him the truth, what should she say? How about, 'I like you a lot?' No, that was far too tame. How about 'I have feelings for you?' No, not only was that was too formal, he'd immediately ask her for details of those feelings. How about 'I'm crazy about you?' No, he would hear that as just a coward's way to say I love you. How about 'I care for you?' Perfect… it was intimate enough but also ambiguous.
Sarah felt her hands shaking. It was most definitely one of those crossroads moments that changed your life forever. Finally she just had to move. Come on Sarah. You've been in lots of scarier situation than this. You can do this. Just tell the man that you care for him. She took a deep breath, forced herself to look up from the floor and into Chuck's eyes as she told him.
"I love you."
Huh? After her firm self-pep talk, why did she say that? It was the worst thing she could have possibly done. Chuck's grin was the biggest she'd ever seen. It wouldn't be long before she'd be scraping him off that ceiling. Sarah kept her eyes focused on his to keep from breaking down. Why on earth did 'I love you' come out of her mouth? But the honest truth was that it felt good… damned good. Maybe she'd need him to scrape her off that same ceiling.
To his credit, Chuck recognized that she was struggling and didn't press it. "Thank you for telling me," he said. "I know how hard that was for you. Just for the record, I love you too. I think you probably have already figured that out."
Chuck held out his arms as an invitation which was quickly accepted. Sarah wrapped her arms around Chuck and buried her head in his chest. Chuck waited for quite some time without speaking just enjoying the moment. Finally he spoke. "I think that I have some conditions too."
Sarah looked up at him questioningly.
Chuck started laughing. "Well, more like requests than conditions," he quickly explained. "I know that you don't believe this, but I do understand our situation. I see how men react to you. You can take almost any man and make him feel like he is king of the world just by batting your eyes and smiling at him. It's a major reason why we're so successful. I get that you actually loathe those guys. Please promise me that you'll never do that to me. I need to know that your emotions are real. I'd much rather have you mad at me so I can fix it, than pretend to be okay."
Sarah looked up at Chuck, keeping her head on his chest. "I promise," she said softly.
"Thank you," Chuck said. "Second… look. I know there a lot of things about you that you can't tell me about. There are even more things that you're uncomfortable telling me. I'm okay with that. But if I ask you something that I can't know, or you don't want to talk about, just tell me. I'm always going to want to know things about you. But I promise to let it drop… for now anyway. Please don't make some story up or get frustrated and shut down."
Sarah nodded her head to let Chuck know that she understood.
"I'll be honest," Chuck admitted. "I'm never going to like watching you flirting with other men. Let's be honest. Sometimes it even goes a little beyond flirting. I understand that it's your job. I understand you have to do it. I even understand that I have to deal with it. It's just … just … you're just so good at it."
Sarah stepped back from Chuck so that they were at arm's length but still holding hands. "I don't expect you to like it," she said with a soft smile. "You shouldn't like it. There would be something wrong if you did like it. I don't like it any more than you do. What I'm asking of you is unreasonable. I understand that. But in our current circumstance, it's required that you don't let it affect the mission. If you can bottle up those feelings and talk to me about it later, I might be able to find a way to make it up to you."
Chuck's eyebrows arched as he tried to match Sarah's suggestive tone while trying not to laugh. "In that case, did I mention to you how jealous I was of the way you were looking at Casey at the debriefing tonight?" he asked.
And there it was. That was her Chuck, her guy. He could always make her laugh. "Nice try, bud," Sarah laughed as she playfully slapped him on the chest.
That got them both laughing. "Okay, seriously," Chuck said as he grabbed her hand again. "I know that you're not that happy with me right now. I have that coming. I've been acting like a jerk. I just want you to know that you really helped me tonight. I'm really, really sorry. I promise I'll do better."
Sarah nodded. "That's all that I ask."
Chuck smiled. "I can't stand it when you're mad at me. I never could. It makes me feel empty. Before I go home, I was sort of hoping that, just this once, you could give me a pass on the doghouse thing?"
Sarah looked into Chuck's eyes. He probably didn't know this, but he was already out of the doghouse. In fact, she was resisting the strong urge to start ripping his clothes off right here. But she had already waited well over a year. It would probably be a mistake to start off their new relationship with sex tonight. But how would she ever be able to tell him no when looking into those eyes? She knew that she had better figure something out… damn soon… but not tonight.
She reached up, grabbed Chuck's head, and pulled him down to be able to kiss him. Just before their lips met, she whispered, "just this once."
This second kiss was ten times as intense. Sarah knew that, if this was up to her, and it probably was, there was no way to keep this from ending up in bed tonight, especially given that his hand was inside of her shirt and rapidly approaching second base territory. That wouldn't be smart. But actually, Chuck stopped. "I'd better go," he said. "If we don't stop now, it will just get frustrating. Casey would know if I spent the night. Besides, I have something to prove to you first. You really helped me tonight. Thank you."
Of course, he was right. It was a very good sign that he was thinking in those terms because she was too far gone to stop. His being so on board with their agreement only fanned the flames, so it was a little late to not get frustrated. But she was pretty used to that. Sarah nodded. "I'll drive you home," she agreed sadly. "Chuck, I'm sorry that this is so complicated. It's going to happen… soon. I want this way more than you do."
Chuck smiled.
"I seriously doubt that."
x-x-x-x-x