Supernatural Guy

Ten months earlier…

Dean let Sam walk to the booth, leaving Dean with the giant cardboard check.

This is awesome! Dean thought. Free food for a year! What could be better?

He paused as he handed the check back to the host. A slender black-haired waitress behind the counter was watching him intently. He caught her eye and smiled at her.

Oh, this'll be fun, he thought.

Present…

Dean lay on the motel bed, listening as Sam got into the shower. He only had about a month left before the hellhounds came calling. A knock came at the door, and Dean climbed off the bed. He opened the door to find the biggest pain-in-the-ass standing there.

"Bela…" said Dean with a growl. "Nice of you to finally show up." He noticed that Bela was carrying a baby in her arms. The baby wore a yellow shirt and red overalls, and his head was oddly sort of football-shaped. "You trying to sell the kid on the black market?"

"No," said Bela in her snobby British accent. "I've come to give him to his rightful father."

Dean's eyes widened. "Wait, you're not telling me that Sam is a—"

"Try using your brain for once, Dean," said Bela. "You, me, ten months ago?"

Dean looked down at the kid in her arms, spotting his own green eyes on the kid. "No way."

"Yes, here," said Bela, handing the baby over.

"Wait, what—" Dean fumbled as he took the kid.

Bela dropped a baby bag inside the door. "He says his name is Stewie."

Dean froze, staring at her. "He says?"

Bela nodded. "He's your responsibility now. And before you ask, I don't have the Colt anymore. I sold it. Have fun." She turned and ran for her car.

"Wait!" Dean yelled after her, but she was already burning rubber. "Great." Dean closed the motel door and looked down at "Stewie" in his arms. "What did she mean 'he says'?" He smiled at his son. "I think your mommy finally lost it."

"Took you that long to figure out, did it?" Stewie told Dean in a British accent.

Dean almost dropped the kid as his eyes shot wide open. "Did you just talk?"

"Of course it was me," said Stewie. "Who do you think it was? The bloody Queen of England?"

Dean quickly set the baby on his bed, taking several steps back. "I'm dreaming. I gotta be."

"And they say America's newest generation is going to seed," said Stewie. He looked up at Dean, eyes narrowing. "I say, what is your name?"

"Uh…Dean."

"And you are my father?"

I can't believe I'm carrying on a conversation with a newborn, Dean thought. "Looks like."

"I say, where's Rupert?"

Dean looked up at his son. "Who?"

"Rupert," said Stewie. "He must be here. He never travels anywhere without me." Stewie began looking around the room. "Rupert!"

Dean looked over at the baby bag and began to search through it. He found a small orange teddy bear and held it up. "Is this Rupert?"

Stewie's face lit up. "Rupert!" Stewie held his arms up, and Dean handed the teddy over. "I was so worried!"

In an attempt to keep the kid busy, Dean pulled a couple of toys out of the bag and put them on the floor. He set his son on the floor amidst the toys and sat on the bed, putting his head in his hands.

The bathroom door opened, and Dean looked up at Sam.

"You okay?" asked Sam. "You look like you saw a ghost." Sam stopped, eyes narrowing. "You didn't see a ghost, did you?"

"No, no…but…" Dean looked over at Stewie.

Sam looked over at the baby, frowning. "Who's the kid?"

"Stewie," said Dean. "Bela dropped him off."

Sam raised his eyebrows at Dean. "So we're taking in strays now?"

"He's mine," said Dean.

Sam froze. "He's yours?"

"Yeah, uh…" Dean hesitated. "Bela and I kind of…"

Sam rolled his eyes. "You're kidding me. When?"

"Black Rock," said Dean. "Before she stole the rabbit's foot."

Sam frowned. "You mean the two of you hooked up in the back before you came back to the table?"

"I didn't know she was a thieving bitch!" Dean defended.

They heard hurried footsteps and looked down to see Stewie walking towards the supply of guns and knives on the bed. Dean darted forward and picked him up.

"Those aren't toys, you little monster," Dean told Stewie.

"He can walk?" asked Sam in shock.

"Oh, that's not the half of it," said Dean, cradling Stewie on his hip, one little leg on either side of his torso.

"I say, tall man," said Stewie. "Who are you?"

Sam's eyes widened, and his jaw dropped.

"He's Uncle Sammy," said Dean, laughing at Sam's expression.

"Uncle Sam?" said Stewie. "Is that supposed to be funny?"

"No, my name really is Sam," said Sam. He looked up at Dean. "Is this for real?"

"I'm still not a hundred percent on that," said Dean.

Stewie began smacking his fists against Dean's chest. "Let me down, Dean! I must assess the wonderful stock of weapons at my disposal!"

Dena looked down at him. "What?"

"I must fulfill my mission of world domination!" Stewie demanded. "Victory is mine!"

Dean exchanged glances with Sam before placing Stewie in the kitchen, putting chairs in the archway to keep him in there. "Man, that kid really is Bela's spawn."

"How the hell can he talk?" asked Sam.

"I don't know," said Dean. "But I say we get him to Bobby's and keep him away from the arsenal."

Sam's eyes widened. "We left the flamethrowers in the kitchen."

Dean's eyes widened also. "Oh, shit."

They looked over to the kitchen in time to see a stream of fire fly out of the kitchen. Sam ducked towards the front door as Dean ducked towards the bathroom.

"This kid is really starting to piss me off!" Dean yelled.

"I'll distract him!" Sam yelled. "You get the flamethrower!"

Sam jumped up, dodging the flames, and Dean dived into the kitchen. He swept Stewie up into his arms, grabbing the flamethrower and tossing it to Sam.

"Blast!" Stewie exclaimed in Dean's arms. "Curse my small stature!"

Dean looked up at the smoldering walls and ceiling, listening to their neighbors begin to stir. "Time to go."

"Yeah," said Sam, stuffing their belongings and weapons into their duffels.

Dean ran out to the Impala, placing Stewie in the backseat. Sam stuffed the duffels into the trunk and climbed into the passenger seat. Dean started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, heading for South Dakota.

"Good Lord, what fun," said Stewie.

Dean and Sam exchanged a worried look.

Bobby answered the door and let the three of them in. "What's with the kid?"

"'The kid' can speak for himself," said Stewie in Dean's arms.

Bobby stared at the kid before pouring some holy water on top of the baby's head.

Stewie coughed, glaring at Bobby. "What the deuce!"

Despite the monster that the kid was, Dean pulled his son away from Bobby. "What the hell, Bobby?!"

Bobby looked at him. "You do realize that he just talked, right?"

"Really? I hadn't noticed," Dean snapped. "Been doing nothing but talking the whole way here."

"And you're not suspicious?" asked Bobby.

"I'm damn suspicious, but we're not gonna kill my son!" said Dean.

Bobby looked at him. "Your son?"

"Bela showed up and said he was mine," said Dean.

"And why would you believe her?" asked Bobby. Dean avoided his eyes. "You didn't."

"She was hot!" Dean defended. "And she was just some waitress at the time!"

"Oh, by jove," said Stewie. "You banged her at the restaurant?" The three men looked down at the baby in shock. "What?"

Dean looked up at Bobby. "We gotta get rid of him."

Bobby stared at Dean in shock. "I thought you didn't want to kill him."

"I don't," said Dean. "I meant, send him away, not kill him. You should've seen it, Bobby. This little dude is dangerous."

"So, you want to get rid of him?" asked Sam.

"He may share my DNA, but this kid is pure hell spawn," said Dean. "If we keep him here, he'll get a hold of weapons or something and kill us all."

Stewie perked up. "Did someone say weapons? Yes, of course! World domination! Victory is mine!"

Dean gave Bobby a look. "See what I mean?"

"So, what do you suggest?" asked Bobby.

"We send him somewhere he can't hurt anyone," said Dean.

"Like where?" asked Sam.

"Like another dimension, or something?" asked Dean. He looked at Bobby. "You can do that, right?"

"Do I look like a supernatural encyclopedia to you?" said Bobby. Dean opened his mouth, but Bobby just rolled his eyes. "Yes, I can figure something out. What did you have in mind?"

"We just need him someplace that doesn't have weapons and supernatural creatures and rituals that he could really do some damage with," said Dean. "Send him some place where supernatural things don't exist."

"I think I have just the thing," said Bobby. "Come here."

He led them into the living room and pulled a book from his shelves. He began setting up a ritual in front of the fireplace.

"Ready," said Bobby.

Dean looked down at his son. "Well, it's been real."

"What are you doing?" asked Stewie, staring at the ritual markings on Bobby's desk. "What's all this, tall man?"

"I'm finding you another family," said Dean. "See you around, kid." Dean placed Stewie in the middle of the markings.

Bobby opened his book and began reading. "A-shi-ra la do-nai, ki ga-oh ga-ah. A-shi-ra la do-nai, ki ga-oh ga-ah. Mi-cha-mo-cha ba elim adonai. Mi-ka-mo-cha ne-dar ba ko-desh. Na-chi-tah-v'-chas-d'-cha am zu ga-al-ta. Na-chi-tah-v'-chas-d'-cha am zu ga-al-ta. A-shi-ra, a-shi-ra a-shi-ra." The room began to light up, and Bobby tossed the herbs onto the fire, repeating the ritual. "A-shi-ra la do-nai, ki ga-oh ga-ah. A-shi-ra la do-nai, ki ga-oh ga-ah. Mi-cha-mo-cha ba elim adonai. Mi-ka-mo-cha ne-dar ba ko-desh. Na-chi-tah-v'-chas-d'-cha am zu ga-al-ta. Na-chi-tah-v'-chas-d'-cha am zu ga-al-ta. A-shi-ra, a-shi-ra a-shi-ra." (This is real Hebrew, but I don't know what it means.)

The room lit up and Stewie disappeared.

"Did it work?" asked Dean.

"Yep," said Bobby. "It did."

Stewie looked up at the room around him. Everything looked different. There was a crib and tons of baby toys in the room. And everything looked like a cartoon.

"What the deuce?" said Stewie. "Everything here is so…bright and colorful." He frowned. "I think I want to kill myself."

"Stewie?" a nasal woman called from the hallway. "It's time for your bath."

A redheaded woman wearing a teal shirt and tan pants appeared in the doorway, approaching Stewie.

"Who are you?" asked Stewie, struggling as the woman picked him up.

"Calm down," said the woman. "It's Mommy." She began heading with him for the bathroom.

"Blast!" Stewie yelled.