AN: "Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
You only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
You only know you love him when you let him go
When you let him go..."
-Let Him Go (cover by Birdy)
Tags: rated T for coarse language, angst, post-IM3, some IM3 spoilers, not Thor 2 compliant, nor is Thor 2 even mentioned, one shot, swearing, mentions of violence, abusive and strange uses of tenses, thoughts of suicide, happy ending.
Summary: Everything isn't fluff and roses between two assholes with raging god complexes and a talent for insults that hit exactly where they were meant to. Words led to fists, which led to screams, and ended with Tony only comforted by a bottle. But things never really end where we expect them to.
EDIT 12-29-13: Fixed the crazy use of tenses a little. It's past tense in the beginning now, all the way through to present tense in the final scene. Any renegade verbs that escaped the edit, feel free to point them out. This should make it a bit more pleasant to read now. Blame my attempt at editing four different chapters/updates/in progress scenes at once for that fucked up result. D8
'Cause I Want You So Much
Tony no longer knew what was coming out of his mouth.
In a few hours, he would look back and hate himself for every word, every retort that stabbed right where it was supposed to but was never supposed to come out at all. It would hurt like few other things had and he would spend the night clutching the mended tissue of his chest where the arc reactor used to burn brightly. He would clutch it just to make sure the device that was a part of him for years wasn't still there to cause this pain behind his ribs. There had to be some other factor that would make it hurt this much.
As soon as the words had fallen from his lips, Tony regretted it. One look at the shock/anger/pain/hatred that flickered across Loki's face and Tony wanted to take it all back. "Loki-" He started, softer of tone as he limped forward on the leg that was injured when Loki had pushed the inventor, causing Tony to end up tumbling down the short flight of stairs from the bar to the sofas. Only four steps, but Tony had twisted wrong and the edge of a step hit the middle of his thigh, causing a painful throb of bruised muscle. To be fair, that was after Tony had underestimated how far apart they were and elbowed Loki in the face when trying to pull him arm from the god's grip.
Loki immediately recoiled from Tony's attempt to reach out in apology, pulling down another mask, and keeping the distance between them, sneering as he did so. His lip was split and hands - bruised, broken, and bleeding from punching the wall instead of Tony - were shaking. Whether it was from emotion or physical pain, Tony couldn't tell. "No. You are right. There is nothing. I was mistaken in coming here. Farewell, Stark." The god turned, and Tony shouted his name as the black flame engulfed the tall form, and he disappeared.
He screamed Loki's name until his throat was hoarse, kept calling for hours after until his voice was nothing more than a barely audible whisper that strained his vocal chords as he begged for Loki to be listening, praying and pleading for him to come back, let Tony explain because it couldn't end like this with violence and anger and yelling. He shouldn't have said it; he knew he shouldn't have, but Loki showed up out of the blue, demanding and cold, trying to convince Tony what was in his best interests. Instinct had kicked in with Tony staunchly defending himself against Loki's claims that Tony couldn't take care of himself and didn't need a god's inference in his life. That only devolved to petty name-calling, which in turn became a physical fight interspersed with shouting things neither one of them meant. At least, they were things Tony didn't mean. As for Loki, Tony wasn't sure how much of what the god screamed was actually something he'd been holding back all this time.
Tony curled up with his back against the wall, clutching the bottle of some alcohol he hadn't bothered to identify before attempting to drown himself with it. His eyes fell shut without his consent too many times to count; every time he opened them, for a few split seconds, his mind fooled him into thinking it was a bad dream and that he never said any of that. That he didn't get so angry that he looked Loki in the eyes and said such horrible things. Loki had certainly said a few choice things about Tony's parents earlier in the argument and Tony thought himself justified until he actually said it. Until he saw something in Loki's eyes fracture. Until the god's shoulders dissolved of the tension of anger to be replaced with the heartbreak of rejection. And before Tony could apologize, Loki teleported off to God knows where.
Before tonight, it had been good. A fun little fuck buddy relationship thing between them where Loki would show up and take Tony wherever Loki wanted in every meaning of the phrase. The sex was great and Tony was smitten without realizing it. Apparently Loki was too, but neither one of them had bothered to say shit to the other because who would? Casual sex with the enemy was one thing; they were both consenting adults that couldn't find what they wanted in the people on their side, so they found each other and indulged themselves in the dark. That was fine and good and all and no one else had to know if it was just sex.
On the other hand, falling in love with the enemy? A big no-no. Things didn't turn out in the happy ending scenario that Hollywood made a trope out of. Bad guys didn't just sway to the good side for love because the other heroes wouldn't take them in. The good guy wouldn't turn evil and change his whole moral makeup because of love, and even if he was dancing on the line of good and evil, happiness wouldn't last long when the others came after a traitor. There was no gray area in between for lovers of opposing sides to exist in happiness. This was common knowledge. No love between opposing sides. All it ended in was heartbreak for both parties. Not love and certainly not happy endings with fluffy woodland animals singing at the wedding.
Tony knew that and yet here he was. Sitting on the floor, drinking himself into oblivion as he had been for the past six hours. He'd survived the Mandarin's bluff, gotten past Afghanistan, breaking up with Pepper, the mess after it all, but this hurt more somehow. Maybe he pressed his luck too many times and finally broke. Maybe they would finally get him a private room with a custom jacket and those nice padded walls.
When he finally realized he was closing his eyes, he prayed again that he wouldn't wake up without Loki at his side.
xXx
He did wake up, only it was three days later, and in the hospital with Steve asleep in what was obviously an extremely uncomfortable reclining chair two feet to Tony's left side. He had an oxygen mask on, an IV in his arm, the dawning sun outside the window of his private room, walls painted cheerful colors in an attempt to keep patients in better moods.
It didn't work.
Tony closed his eyes and prayed not to wake up a second time.
xXx
No god was listening obviously, and if they were, they were vindictive enough to not answer his pleas. When he woke up again, it was at a nurse's instigation with Bruce standing on the sidelines this time. He looked like he was struggling to hold back questions, and Tony didn't bother prompting him to ask for lack of answers to give.
Bruce explained that Clint had found Tony sallow-skinned, barely breathing, passed out cold on the floor of penthouse, and wouldn't wake up when shaken or called. Clint was the bastard to rush him to the hospital where Tony was treated for a severe case of alcohol poisoning. Tony said nothing the whole time the nurse was explaining all this, just stared at his own feet and nodded at the appropriate times.
Nurse said Tony was lucky to be alive.
Tony resisted the urge to flip her the bird and jump out the window.
xXx
It took another week before Tony was deemed safe to leave the hospital after it was strongly advised that he stay there on suicide watch for the extra time. Every single Avenger, Fury included, tried to get Tony to talk, but he wouldn't say a thing because what could he say? That he had a fight with the god of mischief that had been wreaking havoc on the city for years? Oh, yeah, and he'd been sleeping with said enemy god for the past ten months and might actually be in love with him. No, no, he was just joking, he wasn't maybe in love with Loki, he was in love with Loki, and now the god wouldn't know because Tony opened his goddamned mouth and spouted off another thing to regret. Neither the Avengers nor SHIELD wouldn't accept that as an answer, so this time, he kept his mouth shut.
xXx
Months passed and no sign of Loki whatsoever. Tony healed a little bit, cleaned up, and built more suits to replace the destroyed models. He couldn't even manage to force a smile for the press though, so Pepper took him off the publicity circuits, relegating him to research and development instead. Rigorous testing was gone over with the Avengers before he was allowed back in the field, but they eventually let him back in, and for a little while, up in the air in a fresh suit, Tony could forget it all.
Around the five month mark, he showed up on the radar, radiating magic and destroying everything he could before the Avengers showed. As soon as they did, he vanished and wouldn't even play along in a proper fight, just left them to clean up the mess.
Seven more times this happened before Loki finally stayed around after the heroes' arrival. Tony tried to get closer, but as soon as Tony flew within sight, Loki teleported away again. Over and over, it repeated until Tony nearly stopped bothering. Nearly. The only reason he didn't was because he could see Loki's resolve slowly crumbling. He would stay longer, let Tony maybe get in shouting Loki's name before the god would leave. He'd stopped looking livid at the sight of Tony though and appeared ever more hesitant to go. Tony lost track of how many times they went through the song and dance routine, only stopped bothering to count. The number would only make him depressed, and it took him long enough to get over himself long enough to don the suit again.
Occasionally, Tony thought he saw the familiar figure in the reflection of metal in his workshop, but no one was there when he turned.
After a shower one night, a tall black form was visible in the fogged-up mirror, but Tony didn't turn. He stared ahead, heart pounding. "Loki?" His voice barely made it as a whisper, and the blurred figure faltered, stepping backwards before it stopped when Tony whimpered and reached towards the reflection as it was the only thing he could touch. "Please. Please don't go."
They stood there for a moment with Tony's fingers still extended to the mirror. He was afraid to even blink, worried that when he did, nothing would be there anymore. "I'm sorry." He finally said, and there was incredulous release of breath behind him.
"I do not care."
Tony spun around to try and stop Loki, but by the time he turned, the gold flame had engulfed all but misty green eyes.
His knees throbbed in agony as he collapses to the tile without bothering to break his fall with his hands, crumbling in on himself, and screaming again until his eyes hurt from crying and his muscles ached from the tension he forced them into. He's still awake when Steve comes in, but Tony had already curled up on his side in near catatonia, staring with glassy eyes ahead at nothing. Steve picked him up and carried him to bed where the rest of the Avengers keep him on risk watch again for several more days.
Tony didn't confess why, and neither does Jarvis, but from the glances Natasha throws him, Tony is sure she at least has her suspicions.
xXx
Nearly two years after that first argument and nine months after his second breakdown in the bathroom, Tony is alone in his penthouse again, cheek down on the bar as he stares out the windows. He rolls an empty glass over the bar top, but it doesn't have any drink in it; he'd sobered up after the alcohol poisoning and had been completely clean since then. Not that that helped with depression. He hadn't slept with anyone in all that time either, drawing more suspicion from the Avengers, but he couldn't bear to come clean only to come to the ending and say out loud how final it was. He couldn't bear to speak about it like it was in the past.
After the last time they almost spoke and Tony's rejected apology, Loki disappeared off world entirely. Thor reported that Loki had been spotted in other realms, but didn't seem to have any sort of goal to his increasingly direction-less mischief. Tony doesn't have the heart to either ask more or tell Thor to stop completely.
"Anthony."
Tony does an about-face in under a second, finding Loki standing in front of the elevator, looking... well, looking like he didn't want to be here and oh, how that hurt to see in his ex-lover's face. Almost as much as it hurt to automatically categorize Loki as an "ex-lover". A few more tiny scars show as pale lines recessed over his visible skin, the god's armor exchanged for the black trousers and an emerald Henley shirt casual wear he used to arrive in when he was about to bend Tony over the nearest surface. Battle gear or average Joe wear, Loki still towers over Tony and makes the inventor feel even smaller.
"Thought you left." Tony can only manage to say, and it's much weaker than he had envisioned it sounding in his head.
"I had." Loki says, stepping closer. "I was... angry, but returning seemed inevitable."
"Yeah, I noticed that."
Loki glares, and Tony falls silent again before sighing and rubbing his face. "Look, I don't want to get into another fight. We both spit out a lot of crap, and while I'm not trying to defend the asinine things I said, maybe it was better that all that came out. Better that we aren't... involved or whatever the hell it was that we were doing." He gestures between them vaguely before he puts the glass back behind the counter and stands.
"I-" The god starts before sighing. "Yes... Perhaps it is better." It apparently wasn't what Loki had come here for, but Tony doesn't know what the god wants exactly. He can no longer claim to know Loki. Not this god that's been wandering the realms for a year in Midgardian time. Was he even wandering alone or had he found someone else to come with him? Was this what he was returning for? To tell Tony he'd gotten better, and to rub it into the former-alcoholic's face?
Looking everywhere but in Loki's direction, Tony dusts off the clean counter, steeling himself to speak again. "Just so you know though, I didn't mean it. I tend to put my foot in my mouth when I get angry."
"As do I." Loki agrees with a softer voice.
Neither actually looks at each other or perhaps neither can stand it. If Tony's gaze meets those poison eyes, he might just forgo dignity and breach the distance to smother Loki's lips with kisses, pull the shirt from his chest, and cover every inch of skin with worship and whispers of love. But he won't look, and so they keep their buffer of air at twenty paces away from one another.
"I was concerned for you. Back then." Loki confesses suddenly, and Tony fights to not look at the god, instead walking around the bar to start up the coffee machine, needing something to busy himself with. "Mortals are such fragile beings," he continues and Tony bristles at the reminder already. As if Thor didn't remind every single fucking person of that all the time. Clint was about the only person Tony related to in that manner since Natasha damn near seemed invincible, Bruce had the Hulk defending him in both forms, and Steve was the rough and tumble Captain Super Serum. "-realized how easily you can be lost to time, to injury, to anything, with no return and found myself deeply... troubled at the thought of it happening to you."
Hold on. Rewind. Tony had tuned out for a few moments at the "mortal" remark and had apparently missed something important.
"Not to mention that you are particularly fatalistic for a mortal, prone to risking his own self to the most imbecilic acts of-"
"Wait, what?" Damning his resolve, he turned to face Loki and their eyes met, confused brown and regretful green. "Go back to the part before the insulting me again bit. Are you saying that whole argument before of trying to get me away from the Avengers was because you were worried about mortality? My mortality?"
"Of course. What did you think it was about?"
"I-" What had he thought? It seemed so long ago now and he couldn't even remember every word. "I don't know. I just thought you were trying to control me, but you were... worried. About me."
"Yes." Loki confirms and Tony looks up again, not even realizing he had looked away but now finding Loki at the corner of the bar, blocking Tony's exit.
There's silence for several long minutes where both men stay absolutely still and never even break eye contact. "I was wrong. The last thing I said back then. About you and the whole-"
"I remember what you said." His tone is colder and his eyes darker, warning Tony not to repeat it the phrase.
"Well, I was wrong. You're not-" Another warning glare makes Tony shut his mouth again while he mentally rephrases the statement. "You're not what I said you were. And I only yelled that because I couldn't admit that you already had someone that loved you."
"Stark, so help me, if you bring up Thor..." He starts to growl, but Tony cuts him off.
"I'm not talking about Thor; I couldn't care less what Thor thinks or feels; I'm talking about me." Loki narrows his eyes, tilting his head in mute apprehension of the implications. "There. I'll say it now. I loved you. Love you. Still love you. You're a crazy bastard with fucked up ways of showing affection, but you're my crazy bastard with your fucked up ways of showing affection and I love it." He pauses a moment, preparing for the final admission. "And I love you." Tony completes, nodding and looking away with a sharp breath, avoiding having to look at the pity or shock on Loki's face.
"So yeah. Just so you know. If that offends you enough, you can go ahead and leave-"
Still babbling, he starts to return to the coffee maker before a hand jerks him back around, and Tony finds urgent lips on his, a body pushing against his to trap him against the bar. Eyes wide, Tony sees the contorted pain on Loki's face for a moment, eyelashes already clumped together wetly though there were no tear tracks on his cheeks. Tony's surprise makes way for need of having Loki kissing him again, his hands moving up to Loki's neck, tangling in the too long hair and holding the kiss as it deepens to desperation, and a tongue brushes back against his. Tony can't tell if he's the one moaning or if it's Loki because they're both pressed so tightly together that he can feel every muscle move in Loki's body against his, they breathe the same air through their noses, and Loki's hands are clamped onto Tony's hips to keep them where they are, refusing to let him move away. He only barely manages to break the kiss when he runs out of air and as soon as they do, Loki leans to bite against the hollow of Tony's jaw, and Tony's pretty sure that moan was him this time.
He's stirring already, conditioning from all the times Loki would abscond with him like this during their better days, pre-break up. Loki's thigh pressing against the tent in Tony's pants isn't helping as Loki's own erection grinds against the thigh that Loki's long legs bracket. Tony's chanting Loki's name and repeating those three words over and over again until Loki is whimpering and moves back to kiss him just to get him to stop, but he still says them into Loki's mouth, says it with his fingers ghosting under Loki's shirt and a body arching hard against his god.
"Stop, stop, please." Loki finally begs, putting a finger to Tony's lips, and for a second, Tony is confused again and more than a little hurt, but then Loki is laughing, broken with bright eyes and a genuine smile that's almost overwhelmed but happy. "I love you too." He breathes, moving his fingers to place a chaste kiss against Tony's mouth. "I only regret not saying it sooner."
"You and me both, Prancer."
Loki breathes another soft laugh and rolls his eyes before kissing Tony again gently. "Shh, love. Save your breath. We have catching up to do, but... later. For now, just... just stay like this." In a rare moment of vulnerability and youth, Loki wraps his arms around Tony's waist and leans his head on Tony's shoulder, just holding him. "Stay here for a while and let me... let me just..." he stutters to find the word before Tony is the one to hush him this time.
"It's alright. I'm here. Talk later." Loki clutches tighter, and Tony presses his nose into the mess of black hair, inhaling the scent he'd been deprived of for so long. His hands snake around Loki's shoulders and smooth over the planes of his back, soothing circles as he hums and allows his god to press as much of himself as he can to envelop Tony's form in his own. "It's okay, babe. We have time."
ENDNOTE: So I gave y'all a happy ending and no porn this time. Because WHY THE FUCK NOT. I like happy endings. I like reading them and I like writing them occasionally. Maybe this fic was a bit bitter in a few (A LOT) of parts, but I hope you liked it anyway. As my first foray in writing angsty fan fic, I would adore any constructive criticism if you have any suggestions on things I could improve on.
Feel free to imagine our assholes going off and having marathon sex after their fluffy moment here. I know that's what I'm doing! I was tempted to write a little more on this, but I kind of liked leaving it as just that last moment of innocent feelings and taking comfort in the other's presence. Continuation would pretty much just be porn, most likely. And telling The Avengers "surprise!"