Music: Ani DiFranco, 'Independence Day'
She'd been Danny's for 27 short days. It was only natural that things could drift back to some semblance of normalcy quickly. Kim Kardashian had been married longer, and over it in half the time. Mindy didn't know why this didn't feel the same as it did when Casey left, when anyone else left. She was going to get over this in record time, exactly like Kim. Exactly.
She could still work, which seemed like a sure sign of being able to get through this. The doctor was in. She ushered little people into the world, held the hands of women who'd surely dealt with a heartbreak or two before they arrived in this moment where they learned how to fall in love again for the first time, with tiny fingernails and sleepy eyes and little rosebud lips that would learn the words for mother all too soon. Mindy would be lying if she said she hadn't let her mind wander once or twice in 27 days to the day where she might fall in love with her own little someone. Wavy hair like his father, that Roman profile, her earthy and true skin, their combined tempers, their combined capacity for happiness. But she didn't feel anything as she handed over little miracles to warm and loving arms, not even sorrow. She hadn't lost anything that had really been hers to lose. It was only 27 days. She had real work to do.
As a surgeon, her time was never her own, something she'd accepted years ago. Meals were always at the wrong time, always either too much or too little. It was probably a contributor to that extra 15 lbs she wished would just disappear. Once upon a time she'd worried about it pretty steadily, but someone told her that looking like herself, looking like a woman, was a good thing. It didn't really matter, because she knew that she was powerful, beautiful and those 15 pounds were hers and hers alone to love or let go. All the same, when someone holds you close, all of you, when hot hands can't get enough of the thick flesh you'd undervalued until that moment, that matters. She can't even pretend she doesn't mourn the loss of it, that worshipful touch. But it would happen again someday. She hadn't eaten more than a couple of bites of food at any meal in some time and it was beginning to look like that last 15 might be gone by the time new hands learned her body. Maybe new hands wouldn't trace your too full belly with soft, soft circles like you were something beautiful to touch, but he had been the only one who liked to do that anyway. Lose 15 pound, gain 15 more, it wouldn't matter because one day she'd forget the way it felt, and her body would be her own again.
She did cry from time to time, in the closet. In the bedroom she just felt sickly embarrassment gnawing at her stomach, and a heavy unnamed feeling pushing her into the mattress. It was suffocating, but safe, in a way. Insomnia and strange sleep cycles were familiar. She'd try to pass this time in the quiet hours of the night when she should be resting by cataloging her wardrobe as she always had. But bright overhead light glittering off ripe colors and lush fabrics in the closet opened up something inside her that she couldn't push back down. Damn him for ruining this for her. Morgan was a heavy sleeper, but she'd crawl onto the fire escape to be safe and let it go. If you could see her from far away the shivers of an unusually cold spring and shaking silent sobs were almost indistinguishable from each other. This she could allow him. He and his 27 days and his friendship could have this. She would get over this.
Morgan told her, one night as she sat in front of uneaten food, that when she was in California he and Peter had caught Cliff listening to Jewel. It was kinda funny, and a little sweet. There was something about music from those teen years when heartache became a real part of your emotional landscape that made you return to it for healing. She'd turned to Sarah McLachlan, and he'd turned to Jewel. Maybe he had been the one, and Danny had just been a bump in her road back to Cliff. They could be happy. Cliff had gotten over his trust issues for her once, maybe he'd do it again. Then Danny would disappear in the rear view as she and her perfect, blue-eyed lawyer rode off into the sunset.
She'd stayed at the table long enough to be polite and moved the food around a bit to fool Morgan into thinking she'd eaten something. An early night, she'd said, morning rounds. She picked up her laptop and carried it to bed, thinking if she just played 'Building a Mystery' one more time she might be able to rekindle what she'd felt when she had been so heartbroken over Cliff. If she could return to that it would be like Danny never happened.
She didn't feel any further from tonight when she listened to Sarah again, but *NSync kind of helped. She had a little moment as she passed Aaliyah in the playlist, but she was back on track by the time she rediscovered No Doubt. She took a detour into some Britpop and came back out via a mix inspired by the one and only rave she'd attended. She remembered feeling terrified that Gwen was going to get addicted to drugs and being worried about the reading list she had waiting back at the dorm.
As 3am rolled around she'd settled firmly into a Lilith Fair situation when a long forgotten breakup sponsored by Ani DiFranco reared its ugly head. She couldn't remember the guy's last name and break up might not have been the right word for discovering he had a long term girlfriend after a semester of study dates and an awkward make out session in the library, but it had hurt all the same.
Mindy closed her laptop and tried to hold on to that old hurt. A semester was a lot longer than 27 days. This was just fresh, not worse. What was it he'd said? "You never know a love song until you have a broken heart." That's all this was. She would get over this. Any day now.
You can't leave me here. I got your back now, and you'd better have mine 'cause you say the coast is clear, but you say that all the time.