A/N: This one just sorta came out of me. I didn't plan it. Un beta'd so all mistakes are mine.
Warning: Contains graphic content, and not the fun kind. May contain triggers so please don't read it if you think it might trigger you.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Castle, not even a tiny piece.
Kate Beckett was always careful to lock her door as soon as she entered her apartment. It had been a need for her, ever since the police officers had shown up at her door to tell them of her mother's death. Today was no exception, she turned the bolt as soon as she had shut the door, tossing her coat and folders on the chair. She pulled her long brown hair up into a pony tail, she only wore it down at work because she knew Richard Castle loved to see it down. But he doesn't matter anymore, she thought, and tears that had been threatening to fall ever since she'd left the precinct finally fell.
She didn't bother to wipe them away, letting them leave tracks down her cheeks as she headed into the kitchen, gathering up all the alcohol she had her house. Before long she found herself sitting on the couch, staring at the vast array of beers, vodka, tequilas and more that she's accumulated. Sighing, she grabbed one at random and started drinking, reveling in the way that the alcohol burned her throat as she swallowed it.
Castle had always been a nuisance for her, but lately he'd become more than that, he'd become a partner, someone she could trust, someone she could love, though she couldn't admit that last part to herself. But recently, she could feel him pulling away. Kate had gone to Lanie, and she'd talked to her therapist, both told her Castle might be done waiting for her. After this last case, she was sure, she'd waited too long, and he didn't care about her anymore. Thinking back on the events of the past few days, she reached over to grab another bottle, downing more of the bitter liquid.
As she consumed more and more alcohol, Kate started remembering things about her partner, she started remembering the faces of all of his past girlfriends, his bimbos, his ex-wives. Somehow, she could see every one of their face's, or at least imagine them. She thought back to all the special moments that they'd had, the long glances, and the subtle touches. She tried to imagine where she would be at that moment if things had worked out better between them. All that she succeeded in doing was causing herself more pain, she drank more alcohol in an attempt to alleviate the pain in her chest.
Kate stumbled around her apartment, throwing everything that reminded her of Castle on the ground – his books, the birthday card he'd given her, her badge and gun, even the empty bottles of liquor. The last bottle that she threw shattered, and she didn't care enough to alter her path, walking forward onto the shards of glass, wincing as they dug their way into her feet. She gathered up the remaining bottles, and made her way to the bathroom, gasping at every step she took. She left her phone on the couch after an internal debate on whether or not she should call Lanie. But her drunken mind had managed to assuage the worries of the semi-sober part of her, telling her she wasn't that drunk, despite all the evidence.
Once in the bathroom, she pulled out the rubbing alcohol, tweezers and spare bandages, planning on digging the shards of glass out of her feet. She quickly realized that she was in no shape to do so without causing herself lots of pain. She consumed more alcohol, deciding she'd sleep in the bathroom that night and deal with her feet in the morning when she was more sober. Kate heard her phone ringing, but didn't have the energy to either walk or crawl back out to the living room in search of the offending piece of technology. Instead, she rested her back against the wall, curling into herself in a desperate attempt to give herself some comfort. She didn't know how long her phone rang, but finally it stopped, leaving her once more in the silence of her apartment.
Kate was left alone with her thoughts, and all that they brought her were memories of the old Castle, the one who'd loved her. He doesn't love me anymore, she thought to herself. It became her mantra, she whispered it over and over again to herself as she cowered in her small bathroom. She remembered being in a similar situation when the sniper was in town. This time, there was no one to call, no one to help her. Somewhere in the back of her mind she began to think of Lanie, and the boys, the friendship that they all shared. How they would hate to see her like this, she wouldn't let herself think of Castle anymore. But she realized that Lanie had a key to her apartment, and she definitely knew what would be going on inside Kate's head. So she pulled herself up to her knees, and then again on to the top of the toilet, reaching over for the supplies she needed in the cupboard. Feeling accomplished with eyeliner and kleenex in her hand, she pushed herself against the wall once more.
Using all of her will power, Kate forced herself to write as clearly as she could, as drunk as she was, with eyeliner on a piece of kleenex. Slowly she traced the letters, trying to get each one as perfect as she could. Finally, it was good enough, and Kate leaned to throw the eyeliner back into the cupboard, which she hadn't closed, but she misjudged and it landed in the sink instead. She looked down at the make-shift note, reading it to make sure the words made sense. There, in dark ink, with letters that looked as though a child wrote them, sat two words: I'm sorry.
There, that would be good enough for Lanie, if she came looking for her. Kate leaned back against the wall, taking up her former position once more, exhausted by the recent exertion of energy. Once more her phone began to ring, and once more, Kate ignored it, preferring to get lost in her good memories of her partner. She remembered the times that he brought her coffee in the morning, and thought back to all the cases where they finished each others' thoughts in an effort to solve the murder. She thought back to how she felt when she saw him with his daughter, and the love she could see in his eyes when he spoke of Alexis. She wondered if he had ever had the same love in his eyes when he spoke about her, but she doubted it, especially with his most recent actions. If you love someone, its impossible to walk away just like that.
He was done waiting for her, she knew that. But she also knew that if he'd truly loved her in the first place, he wouldn't have been able to turn off his love so abruptly. No, she thought, he never really loved me to begin with. And that became her new mantra, he never loved me. After every ring of her phone she repeated the line. Kate could imagine the frustration that Lanie must be having with her at that moment, after all Kate always answered her phone. Lanie must have been calling to check up on her after Castle's behavior in the last case, and was probably very close to coming over to talk to her in person since she wasn't answering her phone. Kate did the only logical thing – drink more alcohol so that she wouldn't be coherent by the time Lanie arrived, she didn't want to talk about anything. No, she just wanted to forget now.
She wanted to forget how he smiled only for her, how his eye's twinkled when they teased each other. She wanted to forget how upset she was when she saw him empty chair. She wanted to forget how it felt to have him rub his thumb across her hand, and how it felt to be in his embrace. She wanted to obliterate the memory of kissing him, because even though it was under the pretense of distracting a guard, she knew it was more than that, they'd both felt it. So she drank more, as much as she could, as fast as she could. She knew that Lanie would be coming soon, and would put a stop to her drinking, but she didn't want that. She wanted to be in control for once, she wanted to stop the pain and the memories.
She made one more final decision, pulling herself up onto the seat of the toilet once more. Rummaging in the cupboard until she found what she was looking for. She had one bottle of vodka left, and she was going to make the most of it. She opened the bottle, and opened what she'd taken from the cupboard. She thought back to the way his lips had felt, sliding against hers, and how she'd moaned into him during the kiss. Slowly, at first and then faster, she started swallowing, downing not only the last bottle of liquor, but also the last bottle of strong pain killers she'd been given after her surgery.
She thought back to how much she loved him, and how badly he'd hurt her as she gulped down the last shot of alcohol, and the last pill. She laid her head down on her arm, curling into a sleeping position as she felt her body getting tingly. She captured the memories of him smiling at her as they went floating past in her mind. Her phone stopped ringing, but she'd stopped hearing it ring ages before that. She focused on his smiles as her eyes began to feel heavy. She dredged up one last memory, the one of him professing his love for her while she was bleeding out on the ground, as she faded away into the darkness. She imagined herself looking up at him in the memory, and saying the word she now knows to be true, liar.
Castle hung up the phone, thankful that Kate was smart enough to leave a spare key hidden outside her apartment, and even more thankful that Lanie trusted him to do the right thing. He was worried that she hadn't been answering his calls, or even Lanie's calls. He opened the door, preparing himself for a very angry Kate Beckett to pelt herself at him for going into her apartment uninvited. Instead, he saw the empty bottles of alcohol, and the possessions that she's smashed on the floor. He saw the broken glass, and the blood. He followed the trail, thankful that it was a relatively small amount of blood, and slowly pushed open the bathroom door.
His world ended as he ran over to check her, finding an empty bottle of vodka next to her, as well as an empty bottle of pills. He found the kleenex on which she'd written the words I'm sorry very sloppily in what looked to be eye liner. He found the tweezers covered in blood from when she'd tried to remove the glass in her foot, and he found a calm look on her face.
The one thing that he didn't find was a pulse.
I don't know if I'll write a sequel, it depends on what you guys think. So review and let me know.
Sya