A.N.: This little one-shot is inspired by the story "Why Bruce Is Still Single" by Blissaster (I highly recommend it) and the song "My Old Boyfriend's New Girlfriend" by Deirdre Flint. Yes, the girlfriend is supposed to seem like an annoying Mary Sue, because she is in their eyes. In my mind, half of this stuff is the girlfriend making stuff up and exaggerating to beat the kids at their own game. I did have a specific character from another franchise in mind when I wrote this, but who it is isn't really important for this story.
Selina, looking away from the morose faces of Bruce's four children, saw the new woman on Bruce's arm. "She certainly looks good in black," she commented.
"Oh, yes, she looks good in black. She looks good in white," Jason grumbled.
"She looks good in Lycra, and anything tight," Dick said with false brightness.
"She looks good in earth tones. She looks good in red," Tim said sarcastically.
"I think she'd look REALLY good with a SPIKE through her head," Damian growled.
"So," Selina commented, "That's my old boyfriend's new girlfriend."
"Yup. She knows Tai chi and her legs are waxed," Jason snapped. I have a funny feeling he won't be coming back, Selina thought.
Selina looked around at all the irritated faces. This could only mean that they were unsuccessful at driving this latest love interest away. This new woman was tall (in heels) with bleached blond highlights. She turned towards them and waved, and they waved back with false smiles. She was an Asian woman with blue-grey eyes (no doubt contacts). "It figures he'd rebound with a bimbo after me."
"She's Harvard educated in biotechnology," Tim groaned. "I tried the whole 'you've got to be able to keep up with him' thing, and she ran circles around me."
"Ok, so she can add and she looks good in a skirt. But she's a selfish little princess, that treats him like dirt," Selina insisted.
"She just bought him a Volvo. She cooks. She cleans. She spent two years digging ditches with the Peace Corps in Benin." They all looked at Jason. "Don't ask," he groaned.
"Well, ok, I'll give her that, but I bet their love life is bland," Selina muttered.
"She knows the Kama Sutra like the back of her hand." They all stared at Dick, who turned red. "It wasn't like that. They first got together around her birthday and I gave her a book on it. She said she didn't need it because she already had it memorized. Then she had the gall to say that someone my age would be too inexperienced for her." Jason smirked.
Looking for something to change the subject, Selina said, "Now, playing the guitar, that's something I know she can't do."
Damian said, "You're right. But frankly, neither can you." They lapsed into silence and some of her and Bruce's conversation drifted over. Selina realized with a start that it was about the Red Sox stats. Female intuition tells me, he won't be coming back.
"When I dumped his butt a month ago he was supposed to pine away," Selina grumbled.
"Well, he's looking pretty healthy," Damian growled sarcastically. No kidding, Selina thought. He gets better-looking to me every day. Would you like to bet that he won't be coming back.
"Oh, come on. She can't be all that special," Selina growled.
"Right. Except that she can parallel park without any hassle," Dick said sarcastically.
"And she Feng Shuid the whole Hearst castle," Damian added.
"She can run a ten-k in thirty oh five and all of her Schrödinger's cats survive," Jason grumbled, and once more they all stared at him. "Ok, ok. Joker's goons got her, so I stole Bruce's Volvo to go rescue her. I get her out and crash the car, and I give her the whole 'you better get used to this' speech. She said it wasn't very different from digging ditches with the Peace Corps. Then, Joker comes out of nowhere, snatches ME, and takes me to this place 6 miles away where he has this Schrödinger's cat thing set up, to see if I'd die or not. Half an hour and five seconds later, she gets there and sets me loose. So instead of driving her off, I got saved by that blond, bubble brained bimbo. And then she buys Bruce a new car and cooks breakfast for us, and cleans up my apartment."
"All right, now I know you're b. me," Selina said.
"He is not," Damian protested. "She stopped a civil war in an eastern block nation while she was at a peace conference in High School."
"And just the other day she found the fourth planet in the virgo constellation, on her lunch break, with a magnifying glass." Tim was silent for a moment. "Although, she might have been teasing about that one." They once more lapsed into silence, glaring at the woman's back.