Forget me not
The motel room was quiet, almost too quiet for Dean's liking. He was sitting on his shitty bed, covered with a dirty blue cover, drinking scotch. Even the TV was turned off; the noise was too much to bear nowadays. Sam was out, probably hooking up with some random chick or drinking the painful memories of Hell away just like his big brother was. The loneliness was getting to them, the jobs were getting harder, not that the monsters were scarier, but the demons inside both of them were getting stronger and bigger, feeding off their sanity.
So, Dean was staying in tonight, just sitting and drinking himself to sleep like every other night, reminiscing. He wondered for a brief moment when he stopped going out to bars and flirting with chicks, taking them to the motel, but then it hit him. One single word flashed inside his mind like the neon sign of those strip joints where he used to go when he was young and constantly horny, still uncorrupted by their abnormal lifestyle. Castiel - that son of a bitch.
Dean finished his drink in an instant and the glass flew across the room, shattering on the wall opposite of his bed and all of its pieces covered the floor by Sammy's bed. I should probably clean that up, he thought, but didn't move from his place on the bed. Instead, he felt his eyes closing. Then, it was like his mouth started moving on its own, forming the words he had longed to say since the day Castiel proclaimed himself to be a God; even worse - since the day Dean found out about his deception.
"Castiel, if you can hear me, can you come down for a while? I think we need to talk, I don't know why now, but I really need to see you, man." he finished and waited for a few minutes. Just when he muttered a silent fuck under his breath and began standing up to prepare for bed, he heard the familiar flap of wings and he saw Castiel's frigid face not two meters away from him.
"Hello, Dean." he said in his usual indifferent tone. His ice blue eyes were almost penetrating Dean's heart with their intense stare. Dean had forgotten what it was like when Castiel looked at him; he had forgotten the chills that used to run up and down his sides every time that happened before. "Did you pray to me for something in particular or did you just do it because you have nobody to offend?" the words he chose cut through Dean's heart and he felt hot shame surging through him.
"I-I'm not too sure why I did it, Cas. I just knew I had to see you, man." Dean explained and Castiel's eyes told him that he didn't believe him, he knew there was something deeper, more important if Dean decided to call him out of the blue after everything that happened between them.
"I think that you should reduce your drinking." Castiel mentioned and looked at the mess next to Sam's bed.
"You know what? Fuck you, I am not doing that. Do you know that drinking is everything that Sam and I have nowadays? Do you know that we can barely live anymore? We can barely hunt, too, but we do it and we risk our lives every fucking day while you're up there, doing what exactly, Cas, huh? How's being God working out for ya?" Dean's bloodshot eyes were glued to Castiel's. The tension in the room was so thick that it was almost suffocating them both. The things Dean left unsaid were hanging in the air between them, but the former angel understood. He saw the hunter's hurt and his sorrow, not to mention that he couldn't do anything about Sam's traumatized sanity. On top of it, he was grieving about Castiel's betrayal, about the way he left them all. And specifically, how he left Dean. Of course, the hunter would never say it; he'd hint it and leave it hanging just like that.
"Frankly, I don't know what to tell you, Dean. What do you want to hear? Do you want me to lie or do you want me to tell the truth?" The angel couldn't handle the way Dean was looking at him, as if he had wrenched his heart right out of his chest, and then smashed it on the ground.
"For fuck's sake, Castiel! You know I can't take any more lies from you! I wish you could just tell me something true for once! Even if your lies are better than the truth sometimes, tell me something real this time!" he growled low in his throat, masking his bitterness as fury.
"As you wish." Castiel took a deep breath and thought for a second if it was a good idea to say something they had buried so deep in the past that maybe if they brought it back to life it could destroy them for good. "I wish you loved me as you did before. Before Crowley came along, and we became partners behind your back. Before all of this happened, and I broke your heart, and ran away after that. Before I broke your brother, the person without whom you can't live. I am sorry, Dean. I am so sorry for all I've done to you, you have no idea. It hurts me to even say it out loud, but I think you deserve to hear it." Castiel couldn't look at Dean for fear that he might be breaking down. He could hear the hunter's uneven breathing and the little awkward steps he was taking towards the angel. When he finally looked up, he was greeted by Dean's tear-stained cheeks, his eyes red and grief-stricken. He was sure that if Jimmy's heart was still beating, it would have broken at the sight with the loudest of sounds.
When the hunter reached him, he put his palm on the angel's cheek. It was warm and sweaty, but Castiel welcomed the touch. Dean's nose caressed his and his mouth opened slightly, just waiting for Castiel to take this last step and close the millimeter distance between their lips. His breath smelled like scotch and it was hot, blown in uneven puffs towards Castiel's face. This smell reminded the angel why it was such a terrible idea to kiss Dean, but he couldn't care less at this moment. The angel put his hands on Dean's waist and pulled him impossibly close, their lips meeting in the much awaited kiss. Dean let out the most pained sound and Castiel felt the dampness of Dean's cheeks on his own. They deepened the kiss, Dean's tongue rolling in a passionate frenzy against Castiel's. The kiss felt like a gulp of fresh air after an hour under water. It felt like the first drop of rain after a year of drought. It was like heaven on earth, though Dean knew pretty well that even heaven didn't feel that good. Dean's hands were gripping Castiel's neck, burying them in his jet black hair, then going to his jaw and shoulders and everywhere they could reach. He peeled off the angel's stupid trench coat and it hit the floor soundlessly. That was the moment when Castiel pulled away from the hunter, Dean's mouth chasing after his.
"You know that we can't do this," the angel whispered, his lips just a centimeter from the hunter's mouth, tempting him to just dive back in and taketaketake all he wants. It could be that easy, give and take. However, the angel knew that he couldn't cause Dean, Hell, he couldn't cause himself, the pain. Even if they did it, even if they spend this night together, spend it like the old times when they were just discovering their want for each other, they'd have to part again. The separation would just hurt them again; it would open the closed wounds and he couldn't let that happen. It could ruin Dean if there was anything left to ruin anymore.
"Cas, please, please, don't do this. Don't do this to us, I am begging you." his broken plea was lost against the angel s jaw where Dean was leaving hurried sucking kisses and small licks here and there. His mouth was quickly reaching Castiel's and the angel knew that every time it would get harder and harder denying the hunter. Their lips met again, in a bruising passionate kiss. Castiel's hands couldn't leave Dean's body and they were peeling his shirt and, then his undershirt, their lips only parting to pull the fabric over Dean's head. The next one was Castiel's white shirt, his tie and then they were falling on the bed in a tangled mess, and the only thing between their naked chests was Dean's amulet. Castiel straddled Dean's slim hips, his hands roaming over the flesh and stopping at Dean's already hard nipples. The hunter moaned, their kiss muffling the sweet noises he was making. The angel started kissing his jaw then moving onto his neck and sucking for a while on a spot where a bruise was surely to appear. It felt like the first time the angel was touching his hunter. It felt like they were the perfect strangers, joined by their passion for each other. Of course, it was far from true because every time Dean moaned or sighed with pleasure, Castiel would remember some of their past activities - fucking in the backseat of the Impala like two horny teenagers, receiving a blowjob from Dean after a long and dangerous hunt, the first time they had sex after Castiel fell and the way Dean held him after, never leaving his side.
A strangled cry brought Castiel back to the reality and Dean's quiet Cas, shit, please, reminded him of the situation he was in. Dean was clawing at his zipper and the angel let him take off his pants and then he did the same to Dean's. He then stroked the hunters cock through the fabric of his boxers. Dean moaned and bit his lip, trying to not let a tear fall off. Castiel didn't wait - there was no time to be gentle or romantic. He slid the boxers off the hunter's hips and took his aching cock in his hot hand. The man arched up and gripped the angel's shoulders so hard that if he were human, there would probably be bruises. He started stroking him quickly and dirtily while kissing him to shut Dean's pleasured moans. They were breaking each other's hearts all over again and even though he was hurt, the angel couldn't deny that he was hard, too. He just didn't want Dean to get him off, he didn't deserve it, and he shouldn't have given himself so easily to the human. Dean was murmuring curses under his breath, sighing and gasping all the time, his hips bucking in the warm hand. When he came, he couldn't control himself anymore and Castiel saw the tears shining on his face. The angel kissed them away and laid his head on Dean s chest.
Before he knew it, though, he was being shoved on his back and Dean was climbing on top of him.
"Let me return the favour." he whispered, staring right in Cas' eyes.
"Dean, you are drunk and believe me, you don't need to return the favour." the angel quickly told him, but Dean was having none of it. He shuts him up with his mouth, but after just a minute of kissing he trailed his lips downwards - first the angel's neck, then across his pale chest and, then his stomach. Castiel took a deep breath and prepared himself for what was about to come. When Dean's mouth finally closed over his dick, Castiel wondered how he had lived with this, without Dean. He was slowly and teasingly bobbing his head in the angel's lap and enjoying every second of it while Castiel could only curl his toes and buck inside the hotness of Dean's talented mouth. The sounds that the angel was producing were making the hunter smile sinfully around the cock in his mouth. He greedily took more of Caastiel in until his nose was buried in the flesh of his lover's abdomen. Castiel was trembling with his release after a while and he tried to warn Dean, he pulled on his hair slightly, but Dean only sucked harder and then the angel was coming messily down his throat. Some of the lamps in the room shattered.
Dean climbed next to Castiel and kissed him on the lips. When they parted, the angel was tempted to just tell the hunter he loved him, but he stopped himself on time. With his head on the angel's shoulder and his hands around Castiel's middle, Dean slowly fell asleep.
"I'm sorry, Dean, but I can't let you remember that this night happened." the angel whispered in the hunter's hair and placed one last kiss on his lips before he put his fingers on his lover's forehead and erased every memory of his presence this night. When he wakes up, Dean would never know what happened and he'd just go on living somehow. Castiel looked at the sleeping human and before he could change his mind, he flew away from Dean and what they could never have again.