Losing Courage, a digimon fanfic

Losing Courage

Rating: PG-13, angst, shounen-ai
Pairing: Davis/Ken, Ken/Yolei implied

The disclaimer dance: I do not own Digimon, pretend to own Digimon, or think I own Digimon. Digimon and all its characters are copyright of their repsective owners which is not me. I am not making any money off of this fanfic. It for my (and others) sick amusement.

Ghost hands. That's what Ken's touch felt like as they ran softly up Davis's back towards his shoulders, tracing a path on either side of his spine that only Ken could see. They were soft and gentle and cool, almost cold, against Davis's heated skin. Davis found that he liked the contrast.

Of course, he couldn't move or react to Ken's touch. The slightest twitch or noise, and Ken would withdraw. He'd act like nothing had happened, pretend that he hadn't been touching Davis just a few seconds before, would ignore all questions or evidence to the contrary. Pressing Ken for reasons as to why the other Digidestined had touched him only gained Davis awkward silence or the pain of a few days of not seeing Ken. So Davis had learned to just accept the early morning or late night touches in quiet stillness.

It was easier to feign sleep than to give up Ken's cool, gentle touch.

The fingers were tracing the slight ridge of Davis's spine now, lingering on each bump created by his vertebrae. Ken's touch was heading downwards now. Davis struggled to continue to breathe normally the familiar in and out, in and out pattern becoming nearly impossible to maintain. He could feel Ken hesitate, and he forced himself not to hold his breath.

Then the touch moved lower, daring to settle at the very base of his spine just above where the curve of his ass began. Nerve-endings jumped to life. He never realized that his skin was so sensitive there. Davis couldn't control the sound he made as he sucked in a desperate breath, a small breathy noise somewhere between a whimper and a groan.

That earned him the swift removal of Ken's fingers.

Damn.

Davis cracked open an eye, pretending to have just woken up instead of having been awake for almost an hour. Sunlight shined through cloth in random bright spots, turning the inside of the tent into a strange sort of almost twilight. He yawned for effect. His joints made protesting noises at being forced to sleep on the ground as Davis stretched. Only once the pretense of waking up had been completed did Davis turn towards Ken.

He wasn't pretending to be asleep. Davis blinked in surprise at this break in the ritual as blue-violet eyes watched him from under dark bangs. There were several strands of hair sticking up in various directions and Ken's eyes had the slightly bruised look of someone who had not slept well. His knees were drawn up to his chest and he was using his arms to keep them in place.

The Child of Courage couldn't figure out what Ken was feeling from the look on his face much less what he was thinking. After watching Ken for awhile, Davis decided that the best thing to do would be to break the silence.

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Yes. I slept fine." It was a lie. One look at Ken's face told Davis that, and he bit his lip trying to decide whether to call Ken on it or let it slide. He let is slide. For now.

"So did I. I think I'm going to go use the bathroom and then take a swim. Want to join me?" Davis asked. The silence stretched before Ken replied.

"I hope you're asking me to join you for the swim," Ken said. Davis laughed, feeling something inside him ease. The Child of Kindness had grown more distant lately, more brooding, and more prone to silence. Davis found himself missing the slightly ironic humor of his friend until Ken said or did something to remind Davis of exactly why they had become friends in the first place.

"Of course to swim. I'd like to think I'm not so bad off that I can't take a piss by myself." Davis scrambled off of the sleeping bag. It was too warm in this part of the Digital World to require a sleeping bag, so he'd slept on top of it and used a sheet to keep any chill off of him. Ken had done the same.

The zipper to the tent came open with a distinctive sound. Davis wore only boxers. In the Digital World there were no parents or siblings or society to protest him running around in his underwear. Just Ken and the Digimon, and neither really cared what Davis wore.

Speaking of Digimon...

"Vee-mon? Hey Veemon!"

"I think Veemon and Wormmon went to visit Agumon in the village just west of here. They left yesterday afternoon. Remember?"

"Oh yeah," Davis said sheepishly. He was crouched at the entrance of the tent, the flap hanging open, considering whether it was worth it to put on sandals or not. "I forgot."

A sudden twinge from the bottom of his foot reminded him of the sharp rock he'd stepped on at a similar camping trip just under two years ago. With a sigh, Davis decided that he would have to put on sandals before going out. He had just found them in this tent behind Ken's duffel bag when Ken spoke.

"Davis?"

"Huh?" He looked up from putting his sandals one when the tone in Ken's voice finally processed. It sounded serious.

"I... no. Never mind. I'll tell you later." Whatever courage that had convinced Ken to speak was gone. Davis looked at him worriedly.

"Are you sure? I don't need to go *that* bad."

"I'm sure. Go on."

Davis gave Ken a look which stated clearer than words that this was not over and that he would get to the bottom of this. Ken gave Davis his blandest look back. Finally, giving up, Davis got out of the tent to take care of morning business.

Ken watched Davis go, both relieved and disappointed. This was much harder than he thought it would be. Much harder. Initially he had thought he would let it slip to Davis during one of their Friday night get-togethers. The ones that had become so much a part of both their lives since they'd become friends. That had seemed like the best course of action, when they were alone and comfortable with each other.

And yet, each time the opportunity had come up, Ken had found himself hesitating or making some excuse that *this* was not the right time. It was frustrating and stressful. He knew Davis was picking up that something was wrong, that Ken had some sort of problem he was refusing to talk about, and that was not the impression he wanted to give the Child of Courage about this.

The Child of Kindness watched the play of sunlight as it filtered through the leaves above. Davis had left the flap of the tent open and a breeze was already sneaking its way into the tent. It brought with it the scent of leaves and electronics, damp earth and plastic. The smells of the Digital World at their finest.

He'd been so sure that this camping trip to the Digital World would be the answer to his problem. No distractions, no worries, no pressures. Ken had spent the entire night tossing and turning, composing a mini speech in his head, arranging and then rearranging words and sentences. He'd wanted to be just right when he told Davis.

In the early morning light, with his best friend looking at him with troubled brown eyes, he'd frozen. All of his carefully chosen phrases had dried on his tongue. Instead he'd avoided the issue, again, and had added another layer of stress to an already stressful situation. Life, at this point, was not good.

And Ken still hadn't decided exactly how he was going to tell Davis.

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The water in the river was pleasantly cold, just short of being too cold to be comfortable. The river bed was lined with smooth gray stones and large, black, gleaming metal gears. It was medium in size and swiftly flowing. Larger rocks and refrigerators created pools of calmer water where small, silver colored fish flashed in the sunlight.

Davis was currently thigh deep in the water, happily searching for something along the pool's bottom. He'd seem something flash red against the grays and blacks of the rocks and gears. Now he was trying to find it again to show it to Ken.

"I swear I saw something. It was right here and it was bright, I mean really bright, red. I don't know where it could have gone," Davis insisted. His brown eyes darted around the pool, alert for any possible change in color.

"I believe you Davis," Ken said. He was currently closer to shore, only ankle deep in the water though slowly making his way towards where Davis stood. Unlike the Child of Courage, he was more cautious in where he placed his feet. The gears provided a stable, but uneven surface. The rocks were more even, but tended to turn under foot. "Let me get out there and I'll help you look."

"Hurry up! I don't want it to get away." Davis was trying to remain still but his nervous energy was making him fidget, sending little ripples throughout the still pool. Ken was ten feet away, then five. The water was now past his knees and Ken knew from watching Davis come out this far that there would be a sharp drop off before he got to the small bar that Davis was standing on.

"Watch out for the drop." The edge of Davis's boxers were stained dark with water from where he had unsuccessfully attempted to navigate it himself.

"I know. I'm trying to figure out where it drops off. It should be about…" The rest of what Ken was going to say was lost as his foot found the drop instead of solid ground and he over balanced. There was a moment of confusion and water as Ken attempted to get his feet back under him. He felt water rush up around his legs, getting his shorts wet, and then the world seemed to hold steady.

Or more correctly, Davis's hands, one on his arm the other around his waist, were holding him steady.

"Thank you. I think I'm all right now," Ken said. Silence greeted his words and Davis's hands were still warm against his skin. "Davis?"

The hand on his arm snaked around to his back, pulling Ken into an impromptu hug. Ken sighed letting his own arms wind themselves around Davis's waist. His head was about equal with Davis's shoulder standing as he was in the hole. It had been a long time since they had shared a hug. It was something Ken found he'd missed.

Seconds went by, then nearly a minute. The hug had gone on too long to be considered just an act of friendship. Ken tried to pull away, needing to see Davis's eyes and read his expression in an attempt to figure out what his friend was thinking. Davis tightened his hold on Ken, preventing Ken from seeing anything but the tanned skin of Davis's shoulder and neck. Finally, the Child of Kindness relented and stopped his struggling.

It was then that he felt the touch on his back. Davis's hands ran slowly up Ken's spine, tracing out a path on either of it. Then they converged, lightly touching his spine thought the thin material of Ken's shirt. He stiffened recognizing the pattern in Davis's touch. It was the ghostly echo of his own touch on the Child of Courage's back from this morning.

"What... what are you doing?" Ken said. He didn't want this. He wanted it too much. The fingers went lower, past the waistband of his shorts, settling in the small of his back. There they lay, not moving but felt all the same.

"What's wrong Ken? I know something's going on and you're not telling me about it. I want to know what it is. I want to help," Davis said. His voice was low and urgent.

"I know. I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you that... I need to... I can't. Not like this. Not while we're like this. Can't we just enjoy the weekend? I promise I'll tell you when we get back to the real world." Ken's voice had taken on a pleading note.

Davis was so close to pressing the issue. So close. In the end, he didn't. He withdrew his arms from around Ken and stepped back. Ken looked at him briefly, then turned around and headed back towards shore. The Child of Courage felt something twist inside him. Then Ken was looking back over his shoulder, a tentative smile on his face. "Come on. If we hurry, we can break camp and meet up with Wormmon and Veemon at the village before lunch. Won't they be surprised?"

Relief spread through Davis, making his smile perhaps a bit too wide. "Sure. Sounds good. Let me get and get some clothes on and then we can take the tent down."

Davis waded to shore where. Ken waited. They headed back towards where they'd camped for the night, the tense moment in the river pushed to the back of their minds. Behind him the current picked up a small red button from where it had been lodged beneath a rock, and carried it farther downstream.

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It was Sunday, the last day of the weekend. Even though they both has stuff they needed to get down before they went back to their normal lives on Monday, even though it would have been better for them to have gotten back early in the morning, the setting sun was turning the sky above Tokyo into an artist's dream before Ken and Davis left the Digital World.

Ken and Davis were heading for where they'd left Ken's car, their camping gear shared between the two of them. Once the initial awkwardness of the trip had been overcome the weekend had been a good one. They'd met up with their Digimon before lunch on Saturday and had spent the night in the village visiting. Sleeping on actual beds that night had done much to improve the trip.

They had spent this morning catching up on news about their friend's Digimon. It was gossip they would take back with them to the Real World and spread among the Digidestined there. It was an excuse for everyone to stay in touch as the world slowly tried to drive them apart.

The tent, sleeping bags, duffel bags full of clothes, and miscellaneous items all went into the trunk of Ken's car. Davis got into the passenger seat while Ken got behind the wheel. The drive to Davis's apartment was short, the passing time filled with the comforting sound of the radio. The Child of Courage had decided to wait until Ken was ready to talk. Eventually his friend would tell him what was going on.

Patience was a virtue. There were times when Davis wished he had it. But for Ken, he could force his curiosity aside and wait.

Ken pulled up in front of Davis's apartment complex, and put the car into park. Davis got out of the car and Ken popped the trunk. After some digging he soon had all of his gear. Davis had turned away from the car, had in fact begun to climb the stairs to his building when he heard Ken's voice.

"Davis!" Ken was leaning across the passenger seat, having rolled down the window in order to yell after his friend. Davis turned around and headed back thinking that he'd forgotten something in his haste.

"What?"

"I'm asking Yolei to marry me next week. I got the engagement ring two months ago. If she says yes, we're getting married. Maybe sometime this year." Ken found that the words came out all in a rush and not in the way he'd intended. This was not how'd he meant to do this. Despite their speed, it seemed to him that they were too clear, too final.

"Oh." That was Davis's response as he stood on the sidewalk. The strap for his bag had slid off his shoulder and it landed on the cement with a soft thud. He felt like someone had just turned his world upside down.

"Oh? That's all you can say? I thought you were supposed to be happy for me." He hadn't meant to voice that thought out loud. Ken watched the look of anger and shock wash over Davis's face and felt instant shame.

"I've got to go Ken. I'll talk with you about this... sometime." Then all Ken saw was Davis's back as he walked up the steps.

"Davis? Davis! Wait." He didn't.

Long after the door to the building had closed behind Davis, Ken remained parked out in front his head resting on the steering wheel. People called him a genius, but in reality sometimes he was the biggest idiot. He had wanted someone to be happy for him. He had wanted someone, other than his parents or Yolei, to tell him he was doing the right thing. He had wanted understanding or denial or a declaration of love or something from Davis.

Another driver behind Ken honked his horn impatiently, and yelled a curse as he roared around Ken's car and on his way. The Child of Kindness barely noticed. It felt like the walls of responsibility were closing in around him. Ken wasn't sure what the right thing to do was anymore. On one hand, his parents wanted him to marry a nice girl and settle down, and he genuinely cared for Yolei. It would be a good match.

On the other hand, Davis was the one who fascinated him, the one who made him want to touch when he knew he wasn't supposed to. Davis was the one who'd been there for him, who'd been the first to trust him after his reign as the Digital Emperor. When he pictured the rest of his life, it wasn't Yolei that he imagined doing stuff with or wanted to include in his adventures. It was Davis.

His best friend on one side of the scales, the obligations and responsibilities of a son on the other. Was one person really worth such heartache?

Ken looked at the closed door of Davis's apartment. He hadn't even waited for Ken to explain.

Fine. He would marry Yolei then. Davis would either understand or he wouldn't. There was nothing Ken could do about it. Not now, and maybe not ever. His parents had given up so much to try and make up for his youth. He couldn't say "No" to them on this.

Not without more than what Davis had given him to go on, not without the knowledge that he wouldn't be making a fool of himself if he did defy his family. Not without the assurance that Davis saw him as more than just a friend. He couldn't risk so much without that reassurance.

There was a reason why he wasn't the Child of Courage.

Author's notes: I didn't want to put these before the fic since that would spoil the plot. I guess this is my response to the whole "Ken and Yolei getting together" thing in the infamous last episode. It seemed so counter-intuitive to me. At the same time, I couldn't make Yolei into the enemy just to justify Ken and Davis getting together.

So this is my answer. Both Ken and Davis just see the situation differently, and no one is really at fault for it falling apart around them. Keep in mind this was written all at once during an extremely boring day at work.