A/N: Various people on tumblr asked for another Lorna-centric, and this was supposed to go in a completely different direction, but I got cold feet, and here we are. I think it was beezyland who first asked the question of whether or not Nicky and Lorna would work as a couple outside of prison, and I guess this is kind of an answer to that. I would be lying if I said her BRILLIANT story I Do (and specifically the second chapter, which you can find here) didn't partly inspire this, although I went in a slightly different direction. I should also apologise because I find that with Lorna I end up writing very much in a stream of consciousness kind of style which I realise is a bit messy to read.
I was so overwhelmed with the response to the last story I posted. Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews. I hope you'll enjoy this one just as much :-)
They don't talk about it. It's easier not to talk about it. But it's still there, in the back of her mind. A number. The first thing she thinks of when she wakes up in the morning, the last thing that she sees when she closes her eyes before she tries to sleep. It's like its written in her head in big red letters. And suddenly the number stops being three digits, rolls down from two even quicker, and they've got 6 days and she's realised that maybe not talking about it wasn't a good idea at all.
Everyone else, after all, is talking about it.
Nicky doesn't want a party. She insists on it. But if she thinks Litchfield is going to let her just walk out with not so much as a toilet paper streamer, then she's wrong. She rolls her eyes when she overhears people making plans, but her eyes glint, and there's this fondness in the way she looks at her friends that makes Lorna's heart ache. From then on out, it's like she's taking everything in, stopping to look at things for just that little bit longer.
Her included.
Lorna struggles to sleep. The numbers are there all the time now. She has to excuse herself from dinner because she needs to throw up, and she feels like everything's closing in on her, and the coping mechanisms she's built around her since day one are crumbling. She's kneeling in front of the toilet and her hands are gripping onto the sides of the seat so hard that her knuckles have gone white, and the room is spinning. You knew it was coming. You knew it was going to have to happen. Stop being selfish. Think of Nicky.
"Hey, you alright, kid-"
She notices her, and she's behind her in a flash, fingers running through her hair, rubbing circles into her back, whispering soothing words into her ear. Lorna doesn't turn to look at her, but she can see her facial expression just as clearly in her head, and it hurts.
This isn't fair.
"I'm so sorry," she whispers, realising she's crying once the words come out small and broken.
"Hey, c'mon, it's okay."
It isn't. It isn't okay. It's never going to be okay again.
Nicky bundles her up in her arms and the cubicle's too small, their backs pressed against the walls, but at the same time too big, and she wants to be closer but so far away at the same time. She's shaking. She can feel her heart pounding in her ears, and tears dropping off her chin, and she's got as much of Nicky's shirt in her fists as she can manage but it's not enough not enough not enough.
"Please don't hate me," she whispers through sobs, and Nicky's hand stills in her hair, strokes her cheek, reaching her jaw, forces them to look at each other square on.
"Hate you? Kid, I could never hate you. C'mon, talk to me would ya?"
Lorna stares at her with wild eyes, cataloguing every last feature, drinking in everything. And it's too much, but not enough, and she isn't thinking properly, and suddenly her hands are tangled in dirty-blonde hair, and Nicky's lips are warm against hers, and she can't stop, can't let go.
They have to, though, because the cubicle is so damn small and someone walks in and suddenly it's too public.
"C'mon," Nicky rasps, helping her up, and Lorna can see the smudge of red lipstick on her mouth and it makes her heart full, and empty at the same time, and she has to squeeze her eyes closed as Nicky leads her out of the bathroom.
They find the stairs and Lorna realises she's been holding her breath the whole time, which would account for the dizziness, the fuzziness in her head, if it wasn't there all the time. She sinks onto the steps and Nicky's sitting away from her, her head in her hands, and the room's spinning.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—-" she attempts, scrubbing a hand over her face, wiping away snot and tears and she's aware that she looks a complete wreck and to be honest who would want to kiss her but-
"Well, that was a first," Nicky says quietly, "why would you do that - kiss me - for the first time knowing I'm gonna be outta here in four fucking days. Shit Lorna."
They're talking about it. The number is real, lingering between them, and Lorna doesn't know what to say because why did she think kissing her was going to make anything better and now she's caught in a storm with no place to go. Stupid stupid stupid.
"I-I don't know. I just-I wanted to... just once before you.. Oh god, I'm so sorry please don't hate me, please don't-"
Nicky sighs, but her voice is gentle, "stop with that will you? I couldn't hate you even if I wanted to. Shit. This is just so fucked up, okay? Why couldn't you have done that... I dunno... six months ago. Shit."
"You mean you wanted me to-?" her pulse is racing and her hands are sweaty and Nicky's too close but sitting too far away for her to touch and it hurts.
"Of course I wanted you to. Christ, you really don't have a clue do you?" she laughs, and it's a comforting sound but it slices through her like a knife, "I've got the whole fucking prison on my back about it, and you just don't have a clue."
Lorna swallows, and wipes her eyes again, and she's finally stopped crying. A small smile creeps onto her lips and she allows it to linger for a moment, "then why didn't you ever... well, y'know?"
Looking at her through a mane of hair, Nicky's smile mirrors hers, and there's a kindness in her eyes that is only ever there when she's looking at Lorna, and suddenly she can't stop thinking about how obvious it should have been, but it wasn't, and now they only have four days. Four fucking days.
"It had to come from you, kid," Nicky says softly, running her hands through her hair, brushing it back off her face, "I couldn't take advantage of you, not after everything. I meant it when I said I was gonna help you."
Lorna gulps, nodding fiercely. She has helped her. She has. Every single day since everything with Christopher came out, Nicky's been right there, right by her side. And she's been better. She's kept the crazy thoughts contained. She's been calm, because she's had her Nicky. But in four days time...
"What are we gonna do with you?" she chuckles, inching closer and cupping Lorna's face in her hands, drawing her nearer, "we really fucked this thing up, huh?" She rests her forehead on Lorna's, and their mouths are so close, and all she wants is to close the gap, but she can't. She can't. Four days. Four fucking days.
"I dunno what I'm going to do without you," Lorna says, and it's been a long moment of silence, but they knew it was coming and from the sigh Nicky makes, she knows it was only a matter of time.
"You do whatever you need to survive."
They don't make any promises to each other. They're there already, in the way Nicky touches her, kisses her, holds her. They don't have sex. It's not about sex, not like it was before. Lorna has come to accept that as soon as Nicky's on the outside, she's going to be back to hooking up with any girl that takes her fancy, but that's fine. So long as Lorna doesn't have to know faces, names. Better that than the alternative, she thinks, Nicky's words ringing in her ears.
The day arrives and she puts on a brave face. She wakes up, and she takes the toilet paper out of her hair, brushes it, applies make up, and smiles in the mirror taped to her cube's wall. The smile doesn't quite reach her eyes, but she's trying, and when she turns around, Nicky's standing awkwardly watching her, and her smile isn't quite genuine either.
"Today's the day, huh?" Lorna says, aiming for cheerful, but not quite hitting the mark.
"Yeah," shifting awkwardly, Nicky seems to – for the first time – not know what to say, "uh, listen, Morello..."
Lorna shakes her head adamantly, reaching for Nicky's arm with a touch that's so light that it's barely even there, "don't you worry about me, okay, this is your day."
Breakfast is weird. Nicky's the quietest anyone's ever seen her, and she ignores everyone's jokes, everyone's excitement for her big day. She pokes at her food and won't meet anyone's eye, and eventually conversation changes direction. Slipping her hand under the table, Lorna touches Nicky's knee, squeezing gently. It's such an unusual gesture that Nicky immediately turns to look at her. They don't say anything, but it's understood.
They're leaving the food hall when Nicky pulls Lorna to one side, and for a second she looks so fragile that Lorna's heart skips a beat.
"Come to my bunk... just... lie with me a while?"
Lorna nods, "of course."
Of course there's a party. Lorna sits in the corner feeling uncomfortable and empty, trying to focus on anything that will stop her from crying. Nicky's distant, but she's a lot more herself than she was in the morning, cracking jokes, messing around. It hasn't sunk in that she's really going. It doesn't. Not even when the C/Os arrive to tell Lorna to get the van ready.
She doesn't usually take people out, just in, but she figures Nicky's an exception. She doesn't know how she's going to keep her mind on the road, and her fingers are shaking as she starts the engine, but she doesn't cry. They send her with Bennett, and okay he probably doesn't know the ins and outs of everything, but he is sensible enough to keep quiet, doesn't mention Lorna's erratic and slow driving, or the way Nicky keeps exhaling loudly on the backseat.
They arrive and normally Lorna wouldn't be allowed out of the van, but Bennett goes round and opens the door for her, and she slides out, worried that her legs are going to give way any second.
"Ready?" she whispers, and Nicky nods, and she can see tears in her eyes, and she can't remember a time when Nicky's ever cried before. It makes the whole thing so much worse.
"Take care of yourself okay. I expect a call at least twice a week," she cups Lorna's head, tangles her fingers in her hair.
Lorna nods hard, and when Nicky eventually pulls her closer, she lets the tears she's been holding in finally fall as she wraps her arms around her. In the silence, she can hear Nicky sniffing and it's such a foreign sound. Eventually, she pulls away, and Nicky kisses her forehead, and Bennett's voice in the background (far far away) quietly tells them that she needs to go, but Nicky doesn't let go. She rubs Lorna's tears away, kisses her cheek, her nose, her mouth. Then, finally, she lets go.
"I've gotta go. You'll be okay, yeah? You'll be alright?"
She nods again, but she can feel the tears streaming down her face, betraying her. Nicky smiles sadly, squeezes her hand, and turns to go with Bennett. She's less than five steps away when Lorna calls after her.
"I love you," she says, before she's really had a chance to think about it, and her cheeks flush pink, but she doesn't take it back.
Nicky turns to look at her, and she's got smudges of mascara down her cheeks, but she's smiling. She nods, biting her lip, "you too kid, you too."
And she's gone.
Time moves slowly without her. Lorna can't work out what to fill her days with, realising that she used to plan almost everything around Nicky. The food hall is quieter, and she has no place to sit. The shower line in the mornings seems longer without Nicky cracking jokes beside her. She can't bear to even consider movie night. She sleeps a lot. Or tries to. In all honesty, she hasn't been sleeping so well, but she's certainly in bed long enough. Mostly, she lies in her empty cube, Nicky's sweater pulled up close to her face, and wishes time would move faster.
It's two weeks before she even gets a phone number for Nicky, and in that time, she's thought of so many things she wants to ask her, but when it comes to it, her mind goes blank. She dials the number and tries to block out everyone around her, and when Nicky picks up with a 'hey you' she has to lean against the wall to keep upright.
They talk about nothing and everything. Nothing's happened inside, and very little seems to have happened outside. Nicky's positive, but she sounds like she's trying too hard. They don't talk about anything heavy (their relationship, drugs, sex, Lorna's mental health... it's all too difficult). She's living in an apartment owned by her parents. She's eaten nothing but tacos all week (Lorna laughs 'bet you miss Red's eggs' 'not even a tiny bit') and watched trash on the TV, and kept completely to herself. Lorna eventually has to go, and they say goodbye like it's nothing, but as soon as it's over, Lorna wants to reach for the phone and call again and again and again.
It gets easier. In this case, the cliché is true.
Things aren't exactly 'normal', but they're more normal than they have been. Yoga in the mornings, scrabble and card games in the afternoons. A phone call to Nicky twice a week, just like she promised (sometimes more; Lorna gets impatient). She helps out in the kitchen before meals. Red's taken her under her wing, and she can't help but wonder if Nicky's said something to her, but either way, it's giving her something constructive to do, so she doesn't complain.
She's got her cheerful spirit back, anyway. Inmates continue to arrive, filling the empty seats at their lunch table, and she stops thinking of it as Nicky's seat, stops thinking of her bunk as hers, but can't quite stop missing her.
"Nicky's got a job," she says, one afternoon whilst they're supposed to be making Halloween crafts.
"Really? Good for her! See, I knew she'd be alright out there," Yoga Jones smiles at her, before returning to making ghosts out of tissue.
"Yeah, I'm real proud of her. Real proud," Lorna looks down at her own paper and can't help but beam, "she sees Chapman all the time, y'know. All the time. Going for coffee and doing grocery shoppin' together. That kinda thing. Real nice."
She's interrupted by Boo practically throwing the magazine she was flicking through at her. Startled, Lorna drops her pen and glares across the table.
"I'm so sick of this. It was bad enough when it was always 'Christuffuh this', 'Christuffuh that', but now Nichols too? I mean would ya give it a break? She tell you everything? She tell you how much pussy she's pounding out there too?"
Lorna feels a lump beginning to form in the back of her throat as she defensively clenches her jaw, "don't talk about her like that ok..."
"Like what? Like she actually is? News flash little Lorna Doone, Nichols aint the saint you make her out to be. You really think she's, what, savin' herself for when your ass gets out of here? I mean come on."
"It's not- it's not like that," she's on her feet, knocking paper and crayons and magazines on the floor in her haste to get away, "you shut up about things you don't know about Boo, you just... shut up okay?"
She leans against the wall and her fingers are tapping against the concrete and she can't quite stand still, and she waits and waits and waits for what seems like an eternity.
"Hey, kid, it's not one of our days for-"
"I love you," Lorna blurts, and she can feel the bile rising her throat as she says the words she's promised herself she won't say again and there's this horrible silence on the other side of the phone and you've done it again, you're doing it again. She squeezes her eyes closed and she's pressing the phone so tight to her face that her ear is ringing and there'll be an indent on her cheek later.
"Lorna..." she starts, but she doesn't finish and the word hangs between them awkwardly.
"I never made you make me any promises... I wouldn't do that to you... but I wanted you to know, y'know? I know you need the sex, and the girls, and whatever else helps you survive out there, but I just want you to know that when I get out of here... when I... that I want to be with you. I want to be with you, okay?"
There's an awkward silence and Lorna feels like she's suffocating in it. She clings to the receiver, and waits and waits and waits.
"I know," Nicky finally says, and it's so quiet and unusually soft for her that Lorna wonders if she dreamt it, "I know. I know all those things, Lorna."
She doesn't know how Nicky could have possibly known because she wasn't even sure herself until right this moment. But it doesn't matter because she isn't saying it back, and Lorna can't stop the words from repeating in her head you're doing it again, you're doing it again, and she's fighting back tears, and it was bad enough when she knew she was going to have to be alone for the next three months, but now she's really screwed things up. Now, she's going to be alone forever, because she couldn't keep her mouth closed, couldn't keep her mind busy on other things and-
"I don't... know how to say it back," Nicky says after a silence that's too long.
"Huh?" she squeaks.
"I've never, y'know, said it..." she sighs, and she sounds so awkward, so small, that Lorna almost forgets who she's speaking to, "but I do know this: every morning you are the first thing I think about, you're the last thing I see before I go to sleep. I'm counting the days down until you're out here, alright? And there's not been any girls – and believe me, I could get girls... it could be fucking raining pussy here for me, okay – but I don't want any of it. I'm staying strong for you Lorna Morello. And you've gotta stay strong for me too, y'hear me?"
Lorna nods, and then remembers that Nicky can't see her, and somewhere along the line she's started crying and she doesn't know how to stop, "I will. I am. I promise."
"You're the only thing getting me through the day, y'know? Ask Chapman – she's fucking sick of hearing about you."
Laughing, Lorna wipes her tears away with her free hand, "same here... Boo... the others. Even Red."
"Yeah right, Red could never be sick of hearin' about me," she can almost see Nicky smiling on the other side of the phone, "but it's good to hear it. It's only three months, alright kid? Three months. You just gotta keep going for three months."
"I can do it," she says bravely, standing up taller.
"I know you can."
Her last day is so different from Nicky's.
They have a party and there's streamers and banners and a cake, and Lorna's always enjoyed being the centre of attention, but not today. The music's too loud and it's making it difficult to think. Time isn't moving fast enough and she's antsy and she knows she should be cataloguing everything about Litchfield for later but she's struggling to care about any of it. She just can't believe that the day has finally arrived and that she's survived this long.
Red takes her to one side just before she has to go, and she knows exactly what the older woman is going to say before she does it, but the words are there nonetheless, and hearing them makes it so much more real.
"Look after my Nicky," she says firmly, and Lorna pretends not to notice the tears in Red's eyes when she reaches to hug her.
Franny insists on picking her up in her beat up Mercedes, the kids screaming in the back, and Lorna can't help but feel like a completely different person when she pulls on the clothes she brings with her. They're too loose on her, and they feel too trashy ('what? You loved this dress when you bought it?!') and she's constantly trying to pull the hem down, can't stop fidgeting with her hair. She doesn't even think Nicky's going to be there (they haven't discussed it, didn't make any arrangements), but the possibility that she might is filling her with excitement and dread at the same time, and Franny's kids just won't shut up to let her think, and suddenly it's all too much and she thinks she's going to pass out, or puke, or something worse.
Stepping outside of the gates for the first time is kinda horrible. Lorna feels like the air is being sucked out of her lungs. She's got so many questions, so many anxieties that won't shut up in the back of her head, and wearing clothes that aren't comfortable and beige, and don't smell like cheap citrus wash powder, doesn't feel right, and a part of her wants to turn around and run back inside. At least in there, she knows who she is, what she does, what her routine is gonna be each day. Outside holds too many uncertainties. There are too many things that could go wrong, the space around her is too big.
Then, she sees her.
She's sitting on a brick wall a little way down the street, far enough that she doesn't look like she's waiting, but it's unmistakably her. Her legs are kicking awkwardly at the brick beneath her feet and there's a cigarette dangling between her fingers, and Lorna feels a lump forming in her throat. Franny's talking, but she's not listening, and she pulls away, mutters a 'just a sec', and before she really knows what she's doing, she's practically running down the street, ignoring her sister calling after her.
"Hey," Nicky says, and even now, Lorna can't quite believe it is definitely her.
"You're wearing a skirt."
She chuckles, stubbing out her cigarette and jumping down from the wall, "Columbo's got nothin' on you, kid."
"And you're really here," she whispers, reaching to touch her, loosely running her fingers over the fabric of Nicky's blazer.
"Yeah,"
Lorna pulls her into a tight hug, and she can feel tears in her eyes as she takes in her familiar scent, only mildly diluted by whatever perfume she's wearing, and the way she feels in her arms, and the way her hair feels against her face. She can hear Nicky's pulse beating steadily next to hers, feel her breath on the back of her neck, and if today's all about going home, then Lorna's already got there.
"I missed you," she says, her fingers tangling in Nicky's hair.
"Yeah? I didn't miss you," Nicky replies with a low laugh, and Lorna swats at her.
They pull apart for just a moment, and she thinks Nicky's studying her because she's unusually quiet, and still. Her fingers brush loose strands of dark hair away from her face, letting her hand linger on her cheek.
"Course I missed you," she draws Lorna closer, brushes their noses together, and then kisses her.
"You must be Nicky."
The voice startles them apart and Lorna can feel her face flush as she turns to find Franny standing behind them. She's half expecting her sister to be mad, but the look on her face, if anything, is one of relief. She's probably thinking 'oh, good, this one exists'. Lorna smiles tightly.
"Nicky, my sister Franny." she gestures between them, feeling Nicky's arm wrap around her waist.
"Nice to finally meet you, heard a lot about you," Nicky says, holding her hand out.
Franny takes it, smiling, "yeah, you too."
"Mostly bad, I hope."
"You know it," Lorna says, laughing awkwardly.
"Hey, you gonna come for dinner? I'll get the kids to squash up in the car. It's taco night. You like tacos?"
"I love tacos," Nicky replies honestly, and Lorna feels herself stiffen a little. She doesn't say anything, but she's hoping the look she's giving Nicky is enough to say 'you don't have to' without words.
"Well you gotta taste my Pops'. We Morello's aint good for much, but we sure can cook, right Lorna?"
Lorna shifts uneasily, "well, y'know, Nicky probably doesn't-"
"I dunno, my ma is a pretty mean chef," Nicky interjects, "in both senses of the word. But she can't quite get tacos. Russians aren't exactly renowned for them, y'know?"
"Nor are Italians!"
Franny's laughing and Nicky's grinning at her, and Lorna thinks that she should be worrying about what her Catholic parents are gonna think of bringing her lesbian girlfriend home for dinner (is that what she is? They've never discussed it. The thought makes her insides feel funny, but in a good way), but she's too ensconced in watching Nicky and Franny together, enjoying the feel of Nicky's warm body tight next to hers. And okay, so things might never be "normal" again, but she decides she doesn't care. Normal is overrated anyways. What's that cliché? Home is where the heart is? Well, Lorna definitely knows where her heart is, and it's here, now, squashed into a car with her two favourite people on earth. And she knows it's going to be a struggle, and there are gonna be days where she doesn't know what to do with herself, but she decides that maybe that's okay.
Whatever you need to survive.