Disclaimer: I own Gwendolyn and Rhianna. dantesdarkqueen owns Akalara and AmazonTurk owns Kandi. Everything else belongs to SquareEnix.
Mystic: Hello? Is this AU still alive? It is? Wow ... Actually, give your thanks to your dantesdarkqueen for this oneshot idea. She gave the fiftieth review for So Long as the Raven Flies. So, for those of you have read that cool exorcism/romance fic, but not my AU fics, this right here is the "alternate realm of reality". And everyone else said it was wicked good ... wicked good ... wicked good ...
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Kandi, the red-streaked guardian and human garbage disposal, was seriously about to lose it. Her super yummy breakfast of homemade french toast sticks (topped with maple syrup and powdered sugar), spicy, thick link sausage (it looked like a part of Kuja she really enjoyed), and decaf mocha latte (she was pregnant--duh), was about 6.9 seconds away from spewing all over the spotless beige carpet. 6.9. 69. Dual oral sex. Kuja's favorite form of foreplay. Yes, auparistaka and cunnilingus sounded much more fun than being stuck in a bridal shop. That sexy silver wizard with the sexy silver thong would lovingly lead Kandi to the bed they shared and take his sultry canary around the freakin' world. He'd have that cute, sly smirk on his face and a silk blindfold--
"Kandi, what do you think of this one?"
Kuja's fiancee broke free from her steamy thoughts and looked over at her boss. Bad, bad mistake. Her pretty face paled and her hand flew to her mouth to prevent any upchucking. "Lady Rhianna," Kandi whined, her voice increasing in shrill annoyance. "That dress is hideous!"
The dress that the head watcher held up was a disturbing pale pink with fluffy ruffles on the sleeves and hem.
Rhianna huffed and placed the dress back on the rack. "You gotta pick something, Kandi."
One sleek black number caught her eye. "I like this one." Kandi reached for a gown that was tight, raven-colored, and with a slit in the leg that went to ya-ya. The neckline was extremely low and their was very minimal fabric in the back. Quite frankly, it would be near impossible to properly hide any sort of weapon.
Hey, just because she was knocked up didn't mean she couldn't look like the sexy hot mama she was.
A flash of green popped out from behind another rack of lace and frills. "Come on, Kandi," spoke Akalara. "This is a wedding, not a cocktail party."
"Cock?" Gwendolyn glanced up and removed the earpieces to her mp3 player. "I heard the word cock. Who said cock and where is it?" Rhianna's daughter was happily married, pregnant, and horny as hell.
Kandi snickered. "I thought you kicked Sephiroth out of the house."
Sephiroth's young wife scowled. "Just because of this little cold I caught, he's been fretting over me like ... like ..." Dammit, she couldn't think straight! Proof positive that lack of sex does horrible things to a woman's mind. "We haven't had sex in days." Gwendolyn slumbed back to the bench she was sitting on and pouted pathetically. "I just want my husband to fuck me for endless hours until my toes curl and I pass out."
Well, yet another pregnancy old wives tale has been proven true. Pregnant women really are the horniest creatures on the planet.
Akalara and Kandi burst into side-splitting laughter, Rhianna rolled her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Her daughter had turned into a complete nymphomaniac since marrying the esteemed general. "You sound like those two," Rhianna whined ever so slightly.
"Well, I hang around them enough," Gwendolyn retorted while reaching for her mp3 player again. "You know they'd rub off on me sooner or later."
A sly grin spread on the face of the green goddess as she rubbed her own pregnant abdomen. "Zack would probably willingly donate his spleen to see that."
"See what?" Kandi asked, pulling a chocolate bar out of her Turk jacket. Yes, the sign on the door clearly said, 'no food or drink allowed', but what idiot would be stupid enough to take away chocolate from a knocked up chick?
"All of us rubbing each other."
Imagine everyone's surprise when the devout Catholic laughed and said her peace. "Please, Darryl's been barking up that tree for years."
Kuja's bride-to-be almost dropped her coveted chocolate bar. And it takes a lot to make Kandi drop food. "Rhianna, you can't be serious!" Who knew that the stoic husband had threeway fantasies?
"Sephiroth would actually faint if he saw us having a girl orgy," Gwendolyn giggled. Oh, yeah. Three hot chicks just going to town on each other? How to make a guy have fucking nosebleed and throbbing boner in one easy lesson.
Rhianna started searching through the dress racks again. "So, I take it you three are still having mindblowing sex despite your bellies starting to swell?" Let's see, Kandi needed something she'd like for Akalara's impending wedding to Blackspike.
"Zack's as horny as ever."
"Kuja's still my magical wizard boy."
"Yes, if Sephy would stop worrying about the baby. I'm this close to throwing him on the damn bed and raping his ass--literally."
The mother of the Final Guardian looked at the gaping expressions of her fellow guardians and stressed out mother. "What? Like you guys haven't forced your man?" Come on, every wife or girlfriend has done that at least once in her life.
Kandi cringed when she saw her boss reach for another frilly gown that was probably sewn the fiery pits of hell. "Rhianna, can't we take a break and get some lunch?" Kuja's unborn spawn did need to be fed on a regular basis.
Akalara had to agree. "Yeah, can we go somewhere?"
"Midgar Bread Company?" Gwendolyn suggested, while jamming out to the sweet sounds of Daft Punk's 'Digital Love'.
Rhianna sighed, but relented when she noticed the three pouting expressions of the pregnant women. "Alright, alright. We'll take a break and get something to eat."
"Yay, food!" Kandi jumped for joy.
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The owners of the famous cafe smiled with rapacious glee when three women glowing with child entered through the door. The Head Watcher was here too! Talk about noteriety.
"So," Lady Rhianna offered. "What do you gals want?"
"I want a philly steak sandwich with dill pickle chips and a big glass of decaf iced tea and a cup of clam chowder and a double fudge brownie with nuts."
Fifty gil to the first person who can guess who gave that order. "What?" Kandi asked, incredulous. "I'm eating for two."
Gwen could only stare at her friend. How can she hold all that food down and still maintain a healthy weight? "Are you sure it's not three?"
"Or four?" Akalara asked with a touch of envy. Of their knocked-up trio, the green goddess had faired the worse when it came to morning sickness and nausea in general.
Their sultry boss could only smile at the memories they brought to her mind. "She's having a boy," Rhianna explained. "You eat more when you're carrying a boy."
Gwen rolled her eyes between ordering a bread bowl filled with french onion soup. "That's an old wive's tale, mom."
"No, the draino test is an old wive's tale," her mother retorted with a grin. Yeah, like draino and the pee from a pregnant female could tell the gender of the unborn child. "A recent medical study did prove that a woman carrying a male child will consume more calories than a woman with a female child."
"I'm still not so sure." Gwendolyn carried her tray to a nearby table where Akalara was sitting, the woman with emerald hair noshing on a plain bagel with butter and jam. "I've had some pretty bizarre cravings lately."
Her mother just laughed. Sephiroth was quick to spill the oddball food items his wife had been requesting. "Your hubby's complained about the leftovers. According to Kuja, there are practically no leftovers with Kandi around."
A sheepish grin spread on the guardian with red-streaked hair.
"As long as it's not too heavily seasoned or spicy, I can handle it." Akalara bit into her plain bagel. Hopefully, she'll have an easy labor to make up for all the bile spewing.
Rhianna sat down next to the three ladies in waiting, her meal just a simple bread bowl filled with New England Clam Chowder. "Did you guys see anything you liked at that bridal shop?"
"Everything was too frilly and girly." Kandi could barely hold her yummy lunch down at the thought of pink lace and frilly bows.
Akalara glared at her friend. "There was this one sleeveless gown I liked. The soft beige one with modest slit in the back?"
"I remember that one," Gwen said between spoonfuls of french onion soup. "That would look nice on you, Ak."
Kandi just wanted to go home. Right now. Poof! Kuja surely knew a spell that could transport you from one place to another. He could chant one quick divination that would take her away from that disturbing bridal shop with it's disturbing pink dresses and send her to a world of sex, sex, and more sex. Food and sex. A perfect combination. A perfect world.
Stupid bridal shops were not the place for the good goth punk that she proudly was. "Don't make me go back there! Please don't make me go back!"
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Mystic: (snickers) Poor Kandi. I kinda feel sorry for her. Well,queen? How did I do, considering it's been a millenia since I wrote in this AU? Review guys!