OH YEAH WOOT EPIC CRACKFIC TIME! Enjoy and no flames!
T for incredibly randomness, random language, random happenings, and Cheez-Itz.
Chapter uno: more of the Author Laws and other crap
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Lordoftheghostking28 was enjoying a perfectly normal day. At least, it was as normal as possible when an annoying hedgehog was around.
"Oh, hey, GhostKing, why is your Algebra book so big? Why is the sky blue? When's lunch? What time is it? Why are my eyes golden and not blue or green or anything normal? Wait…I like being different. GhostKing, are you listening? GhostKing? GHOSTKING! Ok, now what's the square root of 4? It's in your book here…Oh, what's this really long and complicated word? Can you slam a revolving door? Oh, yeah, and Sonic wants Blaze and me to get married. And have little mutated kids. He wants to name one Fluffy. And he wants to be the grandmother."
"It's big because it has so many stupid probablems in it. It's blue from reflecting the sea or something. You just ate lunch. Four Fifty-six PM. That's how you were born. Yes. Yes? YES? Two. Multiplicative. I've tried, no. Say WHAT? …Weird…What a horrible name. Yeah, only Sonic would want that…" GhostKing said in response to everything Silver said so far. She wasn't really even listening until the last part.
(INTERUPTION from The Author Laws of Crossing Species, book 14 out of twenty three:
Thou may cross species, as long as it's not completely stupid, like crossing thee mouse with thee elephant.)
GhostKing rolled her eyes and continued birdwatching. A bluejay flew up to the birdfeeder and ate stuff. GhostKing sighed in boredom. Meanwhile, Silver was still rambling on while searching through …
"Blaze keeps saying I wouldn't be a good father. I think she's right. She also says I'm gullible. I think she's right. She also says she doesn't want to marry me. I think that's good, because she said earlier that I wasn't gonna be a good father…GhostKing, what's yaoi?"
GhostKing reached over and slammed the laptop shut, crushing Silver's fingers. He screamed loudly and ran around in circles with the laptop still attached to his hand until GhostKing practically tied him to the chair and released the demented laptop from his digits.
"You don't want to know." She said after a few seconds of awkward silence.
"But it had my name in it. I think it was important."
"…Who else did it mention?" GhostKing dreaded the answer.
"Eggman." Silver said. "Why?"
GhostKing turned an epic shade of green and ran to the bathroom, throwing up her stomach and practically dying as terrible images scrolled through her mind—
(INTERUPTION from The Author Laws of Ratings:
Thou shall pick a rating and rating description…and sticketh to it. It is forbidden to say it is one rating; and then changeth thee rating halfway through thee story. Not only is it scary, it can scar thee young readers.
And there you have it.)
GhostKing returned to birdwatching, occasionally running back to the bathroom. Silver sat in her computer chair, spinning around happily and completely oblivious to the horror he had been spared from. Sometimes GhostKing envied him.
The Roadrunner ran by, chased by Wile E. Coyote, who was being chased by Sonic, who ran into the window.
"WHOAA!" GhostKing jumped backwards in shock.
Sonic peeled himself off from the window and passed out. Meanwhile, Jet the Hawk flew by and stopped when he saw the birdfeeder.
"OH BOY!"
He shoved everything in the feeder in his mouth and zoomed off again. Meanwhile, the Roadrunner got p*ssed off and chased after him. When he zoomed off, the dust he kicked up created a black hole effect, opening a portal and dumping a time bomb in the middle of the neighborhood.
"WHAT THE F—" GhostKing started.
BOOOOM!
The neighborhood was obliterated…again.
Luckily Silver cast a psychic shield thingy over GhostKing's house, protecting everyone and everything in and around the place. Unfortunately, everything else was pretty much dead.
"Dang, didn't see that coming." GhostKing muttered.
"Me neither." Silver squeaked, grabbing her arm and refusing to let go on account of shock.
"No! I forbid you to go into shock again! Unhand me, you annoying being!" GhostKing shouted, but it was too late. Silver's knees gave out and he sat down heavily on the floor, dragging GhostKing with him. He started rocking back and fourth on his butt and sucking his thumb, all the while keeping a death grip on GhostKing's arm with his other hand.
GhostKing gave up trying to escape from him and sat there, looking bored and as p*ssed off as the Roadrunner.
That was about when Sonic woke up outside the window and smacked into the glass, knocking himself back out. Moron. GhostKing cursed herself for making that window so clear.
Ten minuets passed before a portal opened and Blaze stepped out, looking really confused as to why Silver was in shock and clinging to GhostKing like a lifeline.
"WTF Bomb." GhostKing said simply.
"Oh. Ok." Blaze said. She managed to pry Silver away from GhostKing, but then he wouldn't let go of Blaze's leg.
"How do we snap him out of shock?" GhostKing asked.
"Well…last time he was hit upside the head with a kumquat." Blaze said.
GhostKing hit Silver upside the head with a kumquat.
A random owl exploded.
"NOO! HEDWIG!" A random guy with a scar shaped like a lightning bolt screamed.
A random portal opened and Naruto flew through, closely followed by a flaming nine tailed fox.
"AAAOOAA IT BURNZZ!" Naruto screamed loudly. GhostKing opened a portal in front of him and he dived through along with the creepy flaming fox.
"DR. OCTAGONAPUS!" A creepy guy with red hair, sunglasses and an octopus body yelled, firen' a lazar. GhostKing's coffee maker blew up.
Even after all this…Silver didn't come out of shock.
"Well, crap. I thought for sure that that'd work." GhostKing muttered.
Meanwhile, Sonic woke up and looked around. After realizing he was in another CrackFic, he tried to run, but ended up running back into the window, knocking himself out again. The window shattered and skewered him. It was a good day.
Another portal opened and Sarah came out, looking extremely confused as to why the neighborhood was destroyed (Again), why GhostKing's coffee maker was destroyed, why Silver was in shock (again), and why Sonic was bleeding to death on the sidewalk. She walked over to Sonic and picked glass out of his nose.
"GhostKing! You'd better have a good explanation for this!" she said loudly.
In case you didn't know, Sarah was GhostKing's fellow writer and dear friend. The two of them were bizarre. They were sisters too, or something, although Sarah had red hair. It made no sense.
GhostKing poked her head out of the shattered window. "Oh, good. If someone didn't come soon and pick the glass out of his eyes, we might have been in trouble."
Sarah used Author Power to magically remove all shards of glass from the passed out hedgehog in front of her. Then she looked around. "What happened to the neighborhood?"
"WTF bomb," Blaze called.
"I knew it."
Then a creepy portal opened, and Weegee came through.
"YOU MUST DIE!" He screamed evilly. His eyes turned red and shot lazars, dramatically blowing up the most beautiful flower Sarah had ever seen.
GhostKing held up a mirror had Weegee's lazars rebounded at him, exploding his head off and leaking orange blood. It was unnerving.
"Why don't we get inside, where it's safer?" Blaze called.
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Author Tip: Don't ever let certain hyperactive, freakishly tall, bipolar authors and her FanFic characters play Zombies while drinking Mountain Dew.
"OMG GREEN BLOOD!" GhostKing shouted, her eyes crossing as she blew a zombie's head off.
"I GOT A GUN! I GOT A GUN! WHEEEE!" Sonic spun the screen around in circle, shooting everything but the zombies. He got eaten.
"Oh, sorry, I can't revive you right now because I'm about to die." Silver said, knifing the crowd of ten zombies in front of him. A creepy voice came from the TV when something green and glowy popped up.
"INSTA KILL!!"
"ALL RIGHT!"
The once white/gray walls in the game were now bright red smeared with guts. It was nice. Sarah's character came up behind GhostKing's. "All right, I got your back." She said.
She got eaten.
"Thank you!" GhostKing ran off because she didn't have enough time to revive her friend and zombies were coming. Oh, and she had three bullets left.
Meanwhile Silver escaped the zombies and found the revive machine thing in the corner,
"WHEN YOU NEED A LITTLE REVIVE!" he sang annoyingly.
"Dude, you ruined the moment!" Sonic whacked him over the head with the X-box controller.
Silver passed out and Sonic took his remote, because he was still alive. The epic game continued. Blaze just sat in the corner and gave everyone a weird look.
"LEVEL THRITY NINE!" GhostKing gave an epic yell and bought a grenade launcher, throwing all the grenades at the oncoming swarm of fast zombies. Most of them died, but some kept crawling without legs. GhostKing whipped her knife out of her belt and knifed them to death. Well…they're already dead. So she knifed them to life? Wait…never mind. You know what I mean.
"I'M A LIVER!" GhostKing cheered as the zombies all lay dead in front of her. She had difficulty getting her character to climb over the dead bodies because there were so many.
Then came the dreaded LEVEL FORTY.
"All right, hand over the remote! I'll show you how it's done!" Shadow came out of nowhere and grabbed GhostKing's remote. With one shot of a lame pistol, he killed six zombies and wounded ten others.
"Give me that!" Mephiles came out of a random portal and grabbed Sonic's remote, at the same time shooting twenty zombies with a knife somehow.
Everyone sat there, their eyes glued to the screen, watching the pure epicness endure. It was intense.
FORTY LEVELS LATER…
"How the heck did you make it to level eighty with only using six pistol shots and two and a half AK-47 rounds?" Sarah wondered in awe.
"I'm the Ultimate Life Form." Shadow said simply, knifing another zombie to death with a pistol cartridge, going against the rules of the game.
GhostKing's eyes glazed over and she took a sip of Mountain Dew so she wouldn't have a sugar crash. Never before had she seen anyone this good at zombies, even herself. It was terrifying…
"INSTA KILL!" The TV shouted.
"Whoa, now that's scary. Mephiles got it." Sonic muttered.
There was an epic explosion. Most of the zombies were killed, save for a single arm that pulled itself across the floor. Shadow knifed it and it died…if arms can even die.
"What do you mean we need $23,987,356,274 to open this last door?" Mephiles screamed at the game. "I think the max amount of money you can have is $999,999,999!"
"Then it's a CHEAT! Come on, let's restore the power." Shadow's character walked epically out of the zombie infested room, killing zombies with pure epicness as he went.
Needless to say, the power was restored and their characters left unharmed.
"…Wow…" No one noticed, but Silver had woken up earlier in the epicness. He then went into shock because he had never seen anyone so good at zombies.
"Can I play? Together, we'll be unstoppable!" GhostKing cheered.
"Fine, but only because you're the Author and you'll cause unfortunate things to happen to us if we refuse." Mephiles handed her Sarah's remote, shooting her a death glare.
GhostKing just glared back.
(INTERUPTION FROM THE AUTHOR LAWS OF AUTHORS, BOOK 17 OUT OF 23:
Just because you art thou Author does not make thee unstoppable. Thee Author Power may be revoked if thee Power is used unwisely.)
"Don't worry, I never use my power for evil." GhostKing hissed. "But even if I did, the only bad thing I would ever do to you would be setting you on a bright, sunny beach somewhere."
"OH PLEASE NO!" Mephiles begged.
"I thought so." GhostKing sighed. "Don't worry, nothing bad will happen…yet." She added quietly and evilly to herself.
The game started….
THREE HUNDRED EPIC LEVELS LATER…
"That is just insane." Blaze said in awe. "How do you only use a knife and one bullet each to get this far?"
"No clue, but I'm loving it!" GhostKing activated some more power. "Well, we could leave, or we could rack up points and set the most awesome record ever."
"I vote epic record." Both Shadow and Mephiles said at the same time.
"Great minds think alike." GhostKing went back to knifing zombies to death.
LEVEL NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE…
"HOLY CRAP!" Sarah shouted. "How do you manage this?"
"No clue." All three of the epic gamers said at the same time. That was when the wall collapsed and a whole army of Nazi zombies came through.
"LET EM' HAVE IT, BOYZ!" GhostKing shouted, unloading her pistol in fifty different zombies' heads.
They went nuts and fired everything. GhostKing was the first to go down when zombies overran her knife. Mephiles fell shortly after. Shadow was the lone survivor.
"GET EM' MAN! KNIFE EM! KNIFE EM' HARDER! YOU KNIFE LIKE A GIRL!" Sonic shouted, earning a very disapproving look from GhostKing.
"Er…I mean…you knife like me…" Sonic said quickly and awkwardly.
Soon the zombies were all dead. It was quiet. It was scary. It was like Stephen King's: The Shining.
Then Shadow's character shouted and died. There was still one zombie left, and that one had just taken a bite out of his legs. GAME OVER.
"YOU'RE KIDDING ME!"
"So close!" GhostKing punched the wall.
"AAAAGH!" Mephiles started crying.
Luckily all the noise snapped Silver out of shock. "What happened?"
"NOTHING!" Everyone screamed sarcastically. "Only the most epic game of all time!"
"Oh." Silver went into shock again because he missed the epicness.
After that they stopped playing Zombies and tried to figure out what to do next.
"Why don't we read FanFiction?" Sarah suggested.
"Sounds good!" Silver snapped out of shock in a flash and booted up GhostKing's laptop. "Can I pick this time?"
"Fine, as long as it isn't twenty two chapters long, like GhostKing's FanFics." Sarah said.
"Hey, that was an epic story and you know it!" GhostKing growled.
Soon they were on FanFiction.
"Click that one. Sonic dies in it." Mephiles said.
"Ok." Silver clicked the FanFic and it opened.
Everyone began reading. It was a really well written FanFic; detail were perfect, characters were not out-of-character, and it involved cupcakes!
….at least until chapter two.
"OH MY GAAAWWWDD! IT BURNZZZ!" Sonic ran off to tear his eyes out.
GhostKing quickly exited the FanFic and shouted for order. "ORDER! I WILL HAVE ORDER!"
Everyone looked at her with terrified and pitiful expressions on their faces. Except Sonic. He was trying to scoop his eyes out with a melon baller.
"I want/need you to forget everything you just read," GhostKing said in a hypnotic voice. "and think of action/adventure stuff. Right now."
Everyone sort of went into a trance.
(INTERUPTION FROM THE AUTHOR LAWS OF MIND CONTROL, BOOK 9 OUT OF 23:
Thou shalt not use mind control, unless you need thee important information from your Characters or you need thee to forget Yaoi.)
About ten minuets later everyone snapped out of it and went back to normal. Except GhostKing. She was scarred for life. Again. Oh, and Sonic. He dropped the melon baller and turned to a giant hammer.
"PUT THAT DOWN!" GhostKing grabbed the hammer's end before he could bring it down on his head.
"What happened? Why do I want to go skydiving? Why do my eyes hurt? What happened?" Sarah gave GhostKing a mad look.
"We accidentally read yaoi crap again." GhostKing's eyes watered up from the memory. "And it was bad…"
In the background, Sonic began ramming his head into the wall, screaming, "THE IMAGE! THE IMAGE! AAAAGH!"
"Oh…" Sarah paled. "one of these days, I swear…we're going to end yaoi."
"DID YOU HEAR THAT, FANFIC AUTHORS? JOIN THE LEAGE OF YAOI DESTROYERS!" Sonic screamed. "AND SAVE ME!"
SUMMARY: if you want to save Sonic, review this chapter/story.
GhostKing sighed and said, "I'll look in the Author Laws to see if I can do anything…" She went and did that.
Meanwhile a portal opened outside….