A/N: The first part is before tLO, the second after.
Her dreams are forbidden, she knows. They are against the rules – against Lady Artemis's, as well as her own personal ones from years ago. But she cannot control her subconscious, she tells herself. She cannot stop these stray thoughts from morphing into something they're not.
Another night slaps the hour's tail, as they wait impatiently for the war. Lady Artemis is preoccupied, and Thalia leads the hunters with passion.
"Sleep now," she announces bravely, ignoring the freeing sense of relief. "We need to stay rested."
She settles herself down, refusing to heed her tingling skin. This is the line, she knows. She straddles it, every night, as she waits for the passage between awake and asleep.
During the day, it is easy to feel grateful and content. Thalia likes her life, she does, and it's easy to accept this when the sun reigns. But as Apollo takes the sun from the sky, and her lady's symbol rises, she finds herself lonely (which is ironic, of course, as it should be the other way around).
When she is surrounded by the other hunters, it's easy for her to feel as if she belongs. But when night comes – and she lies alone, trying to sleep – it is as if she is the only one in the world.
Thalia looks beside her, at the fraction of cold space, and knows that no warm body will ever fill it. She is young now, yes, but she will always be young. She will never grow up, and never know the pleasures of sharing sleep. The loneliness will last forever; that is the promise of the hunters, although the ugly truth is disguised with glory and daytime.
So that is the line. The divider, the cavern between her past and future – her desires and her reality. She doubts herself then, and it is the most miserable place in the world. The moment she rests her head upon the pillow is the moment it starts; she is thrust into a cycle of regret, until her thoughts finally give way to the truly forbidden visions.
And still, her crime is committed with ease. She grows too tired to worry about tomorrow, and her thoughts push away the barrier separating them from her desires. She is free.
"You saved me." His eyes are wide. They are so earnest, and she recognizes the sincerity that she's missed the most.
"Of course." She looks down, waiting for him to go on.
A smile breaks his skin apart, although it is a sad sort of smile. "Without you Thalia, I'd still be…" He trails off, so furious with himself.
"It's okay," Thalia says. She stares up at the sky, knowing that she means it. She's not mad at him… not at him…
"Really?" It is this – his hope – that delights her most. She wants to jump up at him, holding him to make sure that it never goes away.
"Yes."
He kisses her then, apparently just as thrilled as she. The kiss is simple. There is nothing flowery or glamorous about it. He loves her, and that's why he does it.
And Thalia soars off the ground, far happier than she can ever remember being.
"I love you." Her heart wrenches for the boy beside her. No, he cannot leave her. Not ever, ever again. He is hers; he was always hers…
It echoes through her whole body, waking her from the happiest place she knows. She resists the urge to cry, knowing that she'll never fall back asleep if she does. And maybe, if she falls asleep again, he will come back to her.
When she is still awake, an hour later, she gives up the task. She climbs off of her mat, and goes to sit by the water. He's left her now, if he was ever there at all.
She stares at the ripples, wondering where her friends are. Annabeth and Percy. They're out there, somewhere. They're probably a lot close to Luke than she is, she realizes.
How long has it been since she's really seen him? Years. They were only children when she died the first time. And then, over the course of her absence, something changed in him.
No… Thalia admits, bitterly to herself. He was always that way. At least, he was always becoming that way. That's what hurts the most, she thinks. She was never been able to stop it; neither his villainy nor his ability to be saved has anything to do with her. It was painful to believe that it would have happened anyway – had she never died, that day.
She throws a stone into the water, relieved when it's weight cracks against the water. The silence is the worst part, sometimes. She sits there by the water, missing them all – but him most of all.
She storms into battle like the spawn of thunder she is. Merciless, having had months to prepare herself for the worst. He's not her friend. He's not who he once was.
In her way, she's envious of Annabeth. Annabeth gets to be blatantly missing Luke. Of course, it will never cease to annoy Percy, but at least her muddled feelings for him aren't out of left field.
How unfair it is, Thalia thinks, that she knew him first, and yet no one seems to remember that. And so, she warns Percy. Understanding Annabeth's longing all too well, she tells Percy what to expect. What the dangers might be. If her friend is anything like herself, it will to be too hard.
Those moments, as she lies trapped, are the worst for her. She can't see what's going on – she can't see whom she's going to lose.
When she hears about Annabeth's bravery, and Luke's love for her, she doesn't know what to feel. Her best friends are alive. It seems wrong, terribly wrong, that she's ungrateful at all. But then again, not all of her friends are alive…
She wonders, with a stab to her chest, whether or not Luke would have come to realization for her. A part of her doubts. They were never as close, especially not after Annabeth came along.
This makes the continuing dreams worse. She is in love with a boy who was never hers, who will never be hers. He is Annabeth's, and since Annabeth is Percy's, he is no one's. And she is no one's, and she never will be. She belongs to herself, and to the hunters, and she hates to think that there is no one in particular waiting for her.
She wasn't there to save Luke, just like she wasn't there to lose him. She hardly played a part in his story at all, it seems. They have made themselves so far apart over the years, that Thalia wonders if the boy from her dreams is really Luke at all. He is just a memory, maybe.
So in the end, she is a hunter. She doesn't have Luke, and Luke does not her. Nobody has her. It is a freedom, but it is also a prison. She will live eternity with company, of course, but never with anyone who is hers. She lost Luke, long before she had him, and she worries that one day, she will forget about him all together.
A/N: I know it's a little much. Anyway, reviews please?