Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fantasy, Square Enix does. No money is being made, so no reason to sue. Right, we've brushed that off our shoulders. Now on with the fic!
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7 Yuffies Bad Luck
By Charles Xavier
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The whole day was pouring with rain. There was nothing else better to do, and Yuffie was sick of having a routine argument with her father. She snuck into the family's old attic to dig up any useless junk. It sure could have used some cleaning, but since no one hardly came up here, who cared? Cobwebs and filth were all she could find.
"Yikes!"
She was spooked by her own reflection when she nearly walked into a mirror. She remembered her father saying how much her mother adored it to bits before passing away. She didn't think it was anything unique, but she couldn't help but admire her cuteness.
Blushes!
"YUFFIE!" Yuffie screamed from the thunderous voice and spun round to face her father, frowning at her with crossed eyes. "Why are you wondering here? These are our family's oldest treasures! Have you no respect?"
"Lighten up, old man! No one gives a rat's butt about all this garbage!"
"How dare you make such a remark! That mirror over there holds very dear to your mother. She loved it just as much as she loved her own child. And breaking it would certainly mean-"
"Breaking it?" Yuffie pounded the glass with her fist. "That's stupid! How could this crummy mirror even crack?"
It didn't crack, but shattered…into seven pieces. Godo was blowing steam already.
"Remember what the doctor said about your blood pressure!"
"Do you realize what you have done?" he shouted with saliva spilling out from his mouth. "That was a priceless mirror passed down from four generations!"
"Not any more." Yuffie shrugged, staring down at the small fragments.
She could have sworn one of her reflections flipped her off…that was the first note that struck her odd. It was too bad she didn't stay long enough to see them emerge…
xxx
The storm clouds wouldn't go away! How in Leviathan was Yuffie to get some sleep? It drove her coconuts. She hadn't had this crazy weather in Wutai before, although the worst was yet to come…
Just when she thought she could get the shut eye she deserved, the most annoying thing happened.
"Easy now!"
"Careful with that bucket!"
"Ready?"
"One…two…three!"
"LET HER HAVE IT!"
It wasn't the high-pitched voices that woke her up, but the bucket of iced water she was showered with. Her night gown was soaked so wet that she could have crapped herself right through the roof.
"YAAAA!!" Yuffie shot out of my bed, bumping her head on the broken bug zapper that she had never bothered to fix. Her heart was beating like she was being chased by a stampede of Chocobos.
And that's when she saw them: seven little Yuffies, the size of a pencil, laughing their heads off after pulling their small trick. She shook her head in disbelief. She pinched herself to see if she was in some sick dream. But there they were still, victory dancing on the bed, blowing raspberries and taunting her silly.
"This is your wake up call!" sniggered one of them.
"Wake up call? Why you lousy little…!" Yuffie hissed, chasing them off her bed. "I'll give YOU a wake up call!"
She should have known how cunning the little ones were. As she ran after them, she tripped on a piece of wire and fell face flat.
"Gangway!"
"Let me at her!"
"Let's kick her ass!"
One of them started yanking her hair, a pair pinched her ears, another was bit her toes and one stuffed chopsticks up her nose, which without a doubt, hurt…a lot. But the one that rammed a fork straight into her butt cheek…
"YEEEEOOOWCH!" Yuffie sprung so high that she hit her poor head on the bug zapper again. She should have really taken that down earlier…what's worse was that she had to pluck out the fork, which stung worse than a swarm of ill-tempered hornets.
"Uh-oh! Yipe!" One of the little ones was caught before it could scoot away, and Yuffie held it firmly within her cold grasp. "Oh, no! Please! Please don't hurt me!" it pleaded pathetically with its chipmunk squeal.
"I'm not gonna hurt you." Yuffie gritted her teeth, growling at the miserable pest. "I'm gonna squeeze ya! I'm gonna squeeze all of ya! I'm gonna squeeze your brains out so hard you won't know your left to right!"
However, her words weren't buying their attention. Instead, they were making their next move.
"Alley-oop!"
"Hurry!"
"Grab that bag before she finds us!"
"I've got it!"
"Then let 'er rip!"
"Let 'em roll!"
Distracted as she was yelling endlessly, they came across a precious stash of Materia hidden in Yuffie's drawers, and didn't hesitate to roll them out like loose marbles.
"Wh-wh-whoa!" Yuffie tried to keep her balance, staggering like an idiot on roller skates…until she fell with a loud thud, leaving the little ones to rejoice amongst themselves.
"Hee! Hee! Hee!"
"Yahoo!"
"Woo-hoo!"
"High-five!"
"We showed her that time!"
"Let's do it again!"
"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!"
Yuffie wasn't giving in that easily without a real fight. If they wanted to play hard ball, then that's what they were getting…
"Oh dear!"
"Oh my!"
"She's back up again!"
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
Damn straight. She was stomping and striding with her bare feet, ready to crush them all to death! Except for one thing…they were carrying away her Materia!
"Get back here you…you're not going anywhere…why you…not so fast!"
They scampered everywhere like flies. She couldn't catch even one of them. But that wasn't what bugged her the most. If they were clever enough to make traps, then they'd definitely know their way round to handling Materia…uh-oh…
"Ice 2!"
"Lighting 2!"
"Earth 2!"
"Fire 2!"
"YIKES!" Yuffie leapt for cover under her bed immediately, avoiding the spells they cast while they wrecked her beloved home. At one point, she couldn't help sense something burning, and she suddenly felt…incredibly warm. Rolling her eyes behind her, she noticed her panties puffing smoke…
"AIIIEEE! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!" she screeched, running round the house frantically like a headless turkey. The little ones did nothing but hurl themselves onto the floor, cracking up in tears. "STOP, DROP, ROLL! STOP, DROP, ROLL!"
Good thing Yuffie hadn't forgotten that old lesson from school…right before she dropped out, that is.
"All right! This has gone far enough! I've had it with you little twerps!" Thankfully, the little ones didn't snag the hidden Materia up her sleeve: Master Magic! "NYUK! NYUK! NYUK! FEEL MY WRATH!"
Ice 3! Lighting 3! Earth 3! Fire 3! Yuffie couldn't stop herself, even if it meant destroying everything in her house. And after casting a dozen crazy spells, she had to calm down.
"HA!" she grinned exhaustedly. "Who's the one in charge now? That'll teach you not mess with the REAL Yuffie Kisaragi!"
"Peek-a-boo! I see you!"
She heard their giggles inside her night gown…her favorite night gown! The little ones were certainly relentless! They were crawling all over her! They didn't know when to quit!
"HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" one popped her head out from a sleeve and extended her tongue. Yuffie swiped, but missed. "LOSER!"
"Shut up…hee, hee, hee! Stop it! That tickles! Oh…not there! Ha, ha, ha! You get the hell out of there now before I scream!"
One of the little ones leapt up, raising a frying pan: "Hey, laughing girl! Say cheese!"
Being whacked in the face was the least thing Yuffie ever expected. She collapsed on her sore butt, half dazed from this excruciating fight.
"Aw, would you look at that?"
"She's all wound up!"
"Hey, let's give her a swirlie!"
"GRRRR!" Yuffie was biting my lip so hard that she could taste her own blood . She took up her Conformer, swinging it ferociously to drive the little ones out of her home. It was a hard job, but it worked and she got them running away on their toes and out into the wild. "I swear that I'll cream each and every one of you someday! You hear? STAY OUT!"
She felt relieved for a moment. That was, until she heard what sounded like heavy breathing. She checked her heartbeat, her pulse…nothing. It was then she felt something shifting from the floor. There was a crosscut saw poking out from the ground, cutting a circle around her feet…
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!"
Falling.
Crash!
xxx
"…hello?"
"Vince! Is that you?"
"Yuffie, are you aware it's three o'clock in the morning?"
"It doesn't matter! You gotta listen me! My phone's on low battery, so I'll make this clear and simple: I'm being attacked by these little evil mini…me-s!"
"I don't have time for this, Yuffie. Go back to bed."
"For God's sake, just wake up and get over here this minute before I kick your ass so hard you'll be puking up crap for the next two weeks! I'm dead freaking serious this time!"
"Just like the time you told me that Moogles in your basement were plotting to assassinate Godo?"
"No!"
"Or like the time you said you were being stalked by a liquid-metal man who came from the future?"
"I am NOT screwing with you, Vincent! This is REAL! I swear to holy God that if you don't come now, these ass wipes are gonna stick an apple in my mouth, tie me to a spit and shove me in the freaking-"
The line was suddenly cut off.
"Yuffie…Yuffie…?"
xxx
Yuffie couldn't move. It was hard to believe that she was tied up in her own bed. She couldn't imagine what horrible things the little ones had in store for her…
"Move over!"
"Make way!"
"Hot stuff, coming through!"
Say it wasn't so! They were going to feed her chili sauce! She HATED chili sauce!
"I'll get you little bastards for this, I swear!" Yuffie cried hysterically as they blocked her nose.
"Open wide!"
The ungodly taste slid down her throat and in one go, she chugged the whole bottle down to the final drop. That was the last straw. They'd crossed the line this time. Yuffie's head began to boil, her fists clenched and steam blew out from her ears.
"GRRRAAR!" she let out a monstrous roar, breaking free from her bonds like a bloodthirsty beast. She wasn't going to let the cowards scramble away…but unfortunately, she smashed her head AGAIN on the bug zapper.
"NYUK! NYUK! NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!" the little ones exploded.
That had to go down now. There was no use waiting. Yuffie forcefully yanked the rotten bug zapper off the ceiling…only to have a rain of falling debris splatter all over her face.
"WOO! HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAA!"
It was time to bring out the only thing to fix this 'small' matter. She rushed to the closet, pulling out her old vacuum cleaner…
"Uh…"
"Oh, crap!"
"We're screwed!"
…and with a flick of a switch, she sucked in each and every one of them.
"Take cover!"
"RUUUUN!"
"Every ninja for herself!"
"No. No! NOOOO!"
They leaped, they screamed, they cried, they begged…but Yuffie was having the most heavenly moment of her night. It was bittersweet taste of revenge, and after so much laughter, was there any point having the last one…? Well, she laughed anyway.
"MWA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAA!"
One…two…three…four…five…six…seven ! Counting was so much fun.
xxx
"Don't think this is the end!"
"We'll be back!"
"You haven't seen the last of us!"
The little ones grumbled miserably as Yuffie tied the last knot. Having to see them off with a big bang was as fun as kicking guys in the groin.
"BYE, BYE!"
The firework was lit and she waved them farewell as they shot straight to the stars, exploding into millions of pieces.
Sigh.
She was so glad that nightmare was over.
"Yuffie?" Vincent's claw touched her shoulder. "What's going on here?"
"Oh, nothing!" I winked with a cocky grin. "Just another joke I felt like pulling…can I sleep in your house tonight?"