"I think I'd like to
try to change my ways now"
It started her third year.
She hadn't meant for anything to come from it. She just had this overpowering urge to be the best. She needed to be the smartest, the first to answer, the one who was always correct. She hadn't expected anything like this to come from it.
Most of her professors had noticed her. She was exceptionally bright after all. But none of them noticed her the way he had.
Him with his shabby teaching robes and sad smile and scars littered across his handsome face.
He had noticed her loneliness. Even when her two best friends were talking to her, she was still alone. He had gone out of his way to speak to her. He never seemed to tire of her conversation. He would even challenge some of her ideas, just to prove he was interested in what she was talking about. And she had reveled in it.
No one had ever treated her like this. No one had ever connected with her on such a deep and emotional level. She hadn't thought anything about it at the time, but she probably shouldn't have spent so much time with him outside of class. She shouldn't have skipped meals to go to his office where he'd always make sure to feed her. She should have gone to bed instead of staying in his private rooms for as long as she could.
But he was the adult. He had never once said that it was inappropriate. He hadn't told her not to. Hell, if anything, he had encouraged it. But she had just thought that he was also lonely. She had only thought that maybe he just enjoyed conversing with her as well.
It wasn't until one evening when she realized that he felt much more strongly about it than she had initially realized.
He had captured her lips as they sat side by side on the couch in his private rooms, discussing his favorite plays by Shakespeare. He had told her that no one in the wizarding world knew much about the man, but since she had come from Muggles, she knew plenty. She had revealed to him that she secretly found the idea of star cross lovers fascinating, which he had agreed with. And when she had said that she couldn't understand why people thought Romeo and Juliet was a love story when it was quite obviously a tragedy, he had closed the small distance between them and placed his slightly chapped lips against her smooth ones.
She hadn't liked the way the scruff around his mouth scratched against hers but she had enjoyed the warmth that pressed between them. His whole presence was a solid comfort that Hermione could bask in. Plus, he smelled like parchment and libraries and tasted almost exactly like her favorite brand of mint toothpaste.
When they had pulled apart, he hadn't apologized, only smiled that sad smile of his which crinkled the long scar along the side of his face. She didn't mind his scars, and she told him as much as she ran her finger along her favorite; the one that passed right through his right eyebrow. He had taken her hand and pressed a chaste kiss against her palm before watching her continue to trace her fingers over his face.
After that, he had taken to kissing her whenever he wanted. She hadn't stopped him. She thought maybe that this was just how he combated his loneliness. She was willing to help him because she respected him and cared for him and if she were being honest, had just a tiny crush on him.
She found out he was a werewolf and even that couldn't change her views on the man. He was still her Professor Lupin, just with even more baggage behind him. She thought about telling him that she knew, but he always looked so tense if she ever casually mentioned the moon or wolves or anything having to do with his disappearances.
But she did do her research about them. And one section of a book gave her much more insight into what was happening between the two of them. It had gone into detail about a werewolf's fixation on its 'pack.' More often enough paying closer attention to likeminded females that the wolf deemed an acceptable mate.
Hermione had never brought it up, but she always secretly wondered if that was how Professor Lupin had regarded her at the time. A plausible mate. No matter that he was twenty years her senior.
After that, she realized that maybe the both of them just needed to move on. Especially after the truth about Sirius Black came out and her professor had been outed as a werewolf. There was just too much added stress at this point.
When she had gone to his office to say goodbye, she had thought that it would be final. But when he asked her if she was frightened of him, because of something he couldn't well bloody control, she had gotten angry. She had called him an idiot and told him that she still liked him; wolf and all.
He had wrapped her up so tightly in his embrace that she could feel a hard outline of his anatomy pressed against her stomach but hadn't been able to focus on it as his lips claimed hers once again. He had told her that he liked her as well and would be writing to her whenever he could.
She hadn't thought about his words or the look in his eye as she left his room until much later.
Dearest Hermione,
You've clouded my better judgement and brought out these primal urges that I once thought didn't even exist. It escapes my notice every single day that perhaps I should not have these feelings. I am no good for you, I've long accepted that, but my very soul is put to ease just at the mere thought of you. I'm nothing more than an old, poor, dangerous werewolf, but I'm yours. Irrevocably. Unabashedly. Eternally.
-Remus
She realized after her fourth year that he signs his letters with his first name because he's trying to force a more personal connection. She had gone the entire year thinking it was just because he was no longer her professor and that she was free to call him whatever she wanted. But compared to the content of his letters, it was the former.
Over the summer at Grimmauld Place, she thought he would end up getting them both in trouble with his almost blatant disregard for boundaries when they were around the others. But after he had affectionately kissed the top of her head one evening, she had locked eyes with a concerned Sirius. After that night, Remus had kept his hands to himself when they were around the others. He never told her what Sirius had said either, but she knew it had to have been something disagreeable because the dark haired rouge found himself in the library with the two more and more often.
But Remus never seemed to mind. It didn't stop him from sitting as close as he could or lightly running his fingers along her arms or knees. She didn't necessarily like the way it sent shivers up her spine, but she couldn't find it in herself to stop him. Maybe she just liked the attention. Maybe she just liked him. Whatever the reason, he only became more confident in his approaches after that.
His letters had gone from bittersweet, underlying emotions to practically full blown admissions of infatuation. He never wrote that he loved her. But she could pick it out of his words, clear as day.
Her responses were crisp and clear and to the point. She didn't try to give him subtle poetry that needed deciphering to discover the hidden meaning. She told him how she felt; that regardless of the fondness and respect she had for him, that it didn't mean anything.
But he had found that it did mean something. To him, at least.
When Mr. Weasley had been attacked before Christmas, Hermione found herself alone in the library with Remus again. She hadn't planned to spend the holidays at Grimmauld Place again, but she wanted to be there for Harry and Ron and Sirius had invited her anyways. And Remus had never looked happier to see her. In his frumpy sweaters and messy hair that hung too low in his face, he still had a bright smile for her that made her insides tingle no matter how much she protested.
And when he had decided that he wanted more than just kisses and light touches, she hadn't said no.
Even as he was on top of her pumping in and out, whispering how much he cherished her, how much he wanted to worship her, she didn't say no. If anything, she just told him to go faster. He was a comfort in the mess that was quickly becoming her life. She was ostracized for her birth, she was ignored for her opinions, she was put on a pedestal for her brains. She felt as though she was being pulled and pushed in so many directions that she just needed something real. Something tangible.
And Remus was all of that.
He didn't expect anything from her. He just wanted her. And for the holiday, she indulged him.
But when it was all said and done with… She knew it couldn't continue. There was no outcome that would be good for either of them. So she just stopped responding to his letters.
He didn't understand at first. He kept pleading with her, begging her to meet him in Hogsmeade, willing her to just say something. But for once, she had nothing. There were no words to explain why she was doing what she was doing. She just was. Because it would only hurt in the end. And there was enough of that in the world already.
Even after the Department of Mysteries and Sirius' subsequent death, she doesn't speak to him.
Hermione,
I don't know how to say this, and I wish I could do this face to face but I don't think you would allow me to. I slept with Tonks. It was just one night, I swear. She was trying to comfort me about Sirius and I was drunk and I missed you so much that it just happened. I know I don't deserve forgiveness, but this has only assured me that I am in love with you. I always have been. Please… Please just say something. Anything.
-Remus
For the first time in months, she did respond. Only to end it, for good. He had unknowingly given her the perfect excuse. And she was prepared to use it against him. If not for herself, then for him. He shouldn't be in love with her. He was only hurting himself in the long run.
She doesn't see him again until after Death Eaters attack Hogwarts during her sixth year and Professor Snape kills Dumbledore. She's sitting on the stone steps leading down to Hagrid's hut with her face huddled in between her knees. She feels like the world's breaking apart and she's seconds from falling into the black abyss.
But he's there, a solid pressure next to her that isn't letting go of her. No matter how much she wishes he would. He whispers in her ear as he holds her shaking form in his arms how much he still loves her. How Tonks has been trying to pursue a relationship with him but he can't even fathom settling down with her when his heart and soul belongs to her.
He belongs to a schoolgirl.
She would think it pathetic if she didn't find some perverse joy in the knowledge of it.
But she can't enjoy it. She can't continue thinking that she's won. She can't succumb to the delight she feels in the sanctity of his embrace.
So she lies.
She's gotten good at it. Ever since she told her first one when she was twelve to save her best friend's after they risked being killed by a mountain troll for her.
And Remus foolishly believes her. The dead, despairing look in his eyes tells her more than enough. He really and truly believes that she does not love him.
He ends up marrying Tonks.
It's a private ceremony so she isn't forced to watch it. She doesn't have to fake happiness or wish them the best. And although she does attend Bill and Fleur's wedding, she wishes she doesn't have to do that either. Because he's there.
And he still looks at her with that same look in his eye that he had when she lied to him.
She forces herself to remain indifferent, to turn away from him and dance with Viktor and Ron and Harry and just pretend for a moment that her world still isn't crumbling.
But she finds herself in his arms again before the night is ruined by approaching Death Eaters. He tells her she's beautiful and much more that a married man should never tell a woman that is not his wife. She wants to tell him to shut up. But she also wants to feel his lips running along her neck again.
Neither happens though as she's forced to go. To begin the long, tedious journey to find something that may not even exist. But he gives her a chaste kiss on the lips, reminiscent of the first one they shared all those years ago in his private rooms.
And she thinks for a moment that everything is whole again before she's pushed away and he's telling her to run. Being brought swiftly back to reality, she does, grabbing Harry and Ron in the process.
They end up at Grimmauld Place for a while at the beginning of their journey. She placed better wards along with the ones Moody had left before his death. And luckily she did, or she would have missed the appearance of the very man who had the power to make or break her entire existence.
He was panicked. Tonks was pregnant, he kept telling her. She didn't process his words very well. She just wanted him to calm down. She just wanted him to smile again. It had been so long since he had truly smiled.
Her favorite smile was the one he had plastered on his face after she had given him her virginity. Needless to say, it's not very surprising what had happened after that thought moved through her mind. She wasn't trying to wreck his marriage. She wasn't trying to win him over again.
Really… She just thought it would be a goodbye.
Only he refused to do that. He begged her, much like how he had done in words before, only this time he was real and she couldn't look away from him because he was on his knees with his arms wrapped around the middle of her waist and she could see the desperation in his eyes. He was miserable without her. She was miserable without him.
Despite it being wrong, she made the promise to him. That after the war, everything would be okay. That after the war, they'd be together, no matter the consequences.
She promised.
She sat outside on the grass in the gated area. A three-year-old boy with ever changing hair sat on her lap as he placed flowers on the grave in front of them. Pink camellias. Longing for you.
Remus' headstone shone up at her as tears fell from her eyes. Everything would be okay. Even without him, everything would be okay. Teddy Lupin wrapped his arms around her neck and looked up at her with a face so familiar it hurt. His hair had turned sandy blonde and his eyes were a mossy green.
She hugged the boy tight to her chest and took several slow, deep breaths. Everything would be alright. Remus promised before she did.
They were still together.