1 Hello all! This is my first story up in forever, and it's a little strange, since I'm still trying to figure my writing style out, but... Yeah. I'm working on it. This is a little thing I thought of while rummaging around the inside of my head. Hope you enjoy it. The pairing is obviously Walter and Integra, since I find the pairing so charmingly inappropriate. :3 There might be hints of Alucard and Seras later in the story, but I'm not sure yet.

Disclaimer: Honestly, do you think I'd be wasting my time if I DID own this stuff? I do not own Hellsing. (Though, I really, really wish I did. It's amazing.)

Here's the chappie!

Mail Order Mistress

For the millionth time in that hour, Walter sighed to himself. He was so bored. Nothing interesting was going on in his life for the past few weeks. Sure, his friend Alucard (everyone agreed it was a strange name, but the tall, dark man only shrugged and chuckled darkly) would find something for him to do, but… It usually involved making some other person's life a living hell; therefore, Walter didn't enjoy it as much as Alucard.

Turning a page in his newspaper while taking a rather large gulp of his coffee, Walter updated his brain on what was happening in the world. Nothing good so far, but since there was nothing else to do, the poor man couldn't help himself. Too bad both the crossword puzzle and the Sudoku puzzle were already finished in the back…

Shaking his head, the twenty-six year-old flicked his eyes over today's newspaper, and almost turned the page when a certain title to a very short entry caught his attention. It scared him that he was even remotely interested in someone so desperate to put something like this in the newspaper, where anyone could see it. Helpless to stop himself, he read the description and request of the meager portion.

.

SEEKING COMPANION

Caucasian Protestant female, long ash blonde hair with blue eyes searching for a companion to help run major family business. E-mail posted below, send short biography and picture.

Once again, Walter sighed. Turning to his old laptop, he signed into his e-mail and began working on a short biography. He needed something to do, and being a 'companion,' as this woman put it, sounded better than what he was doing now. Vaguely, he wondered what his payment would be, and if it would be better than his previous job of working as a gardener. He had to quit his job, the lady whom hired him did not pay him enough, and was sexually harassing him. It amused him at one point, but it soon got to be too far, and he had to put and end to it. The woman was married, and had three children. Shaking his head at the memory, Walter began working on the short summary of his life so far. He would be sure to mention his gardening and organization skills. Not to mention his martial arts and weapons training. He wasn't quite sure what this lady was looking for, but he thought it would interest her to know that he could protect himself, or his employer if it ever came to that. He, however left out a good amount of his past. He wasn't really what you would call a nice kid in his grade-school years. Not many friends, several attacks, some leading to life-or-death fights, and no girlfriends left him a confused, angry, and aggressive. As the years passed, however, he learned to become calmer, quieter, sneakier, and more cunning, and if anyone attacked him, he would stay calm, avoid attacks, while also being the one who walked away.

It still made him chuckle at the thought of the feeble attempts several had made to steal his wallet, and how they ended up handing theirs over instead.

Alucard grinned at remembrance of the entry he put in the newspaper for his Master. He SO hoped that they started sending entries soon. This would definitely get Integra off his back. She seriously needed a head butler, not to mention that she seriously needed to get laid. Like, really, really bad. He'd do it himself, but… Well, he didn't think Integra would be that into it. She never trusted him, nor did she look at him like that. He was a father or big brother of sorts to her. Ever since her dad died, Alucard watched over her, as the Dark King was bound to her side, and was forced to keep the icy girl safe from any and every enemy. Quicker (actually, slower than his liking) the little girl became a woman much more mature than her age. She was seven years ahead of herself, making the poor twenty-three year-old mentally thirty. It must have seemed a long time for the human woman. Chuckling to himself as he walked through the now truly dead ghoul-infested forest back to headquarters. The FREAK was silenced, and his work was done. He hoped there was a good amount of blood packs in his chamber. He was hungry. The FREAK actually put up a good fight this time, and the amount of ghouls he had to mow down annoyed the hell out of him.

Phasing in front of Integra's desk, Alucard grinned evilly to his boss and gave a bow.

"Master… I have finished my mission."

Integra looked up from her work, cigar in mouth, looking weary and stressed nodded and narrowed her eyes at the vampire in front of her.

"The Target has been silenced. There were many ghouls, but nothing I couldn't handle. However, it was very… irritating."

"Recruits aren't common these days, servant… Your problems must be dealt with by yourself."

Nodding curtly, Alucard's grin fell slightly. "I understand, Master."

The vampire vanished before her very eyes, but not before stirring her very neatly stacked papers into a form of disarray all over the room. His cackle could be heard throughout the mansion as he descended into his chamber. The following yell of aggravation echoed it, though, it just might have been louder.

The night could only get more beautiful…

Integra growled at the papers that flew across the room. She didn't even bother to pick them up. Too much stress caused her to be so worked up.

… Speaking of worked up, Integra wondered how full her e-mail box would be after that stupid entry that her vampire put in the damned newspaper. Turning to her new laptop- a surprise birthday gift from her employees- and accessing her e-mail address, she saw that her thoughts weren't disappointed.

A hundred people sent her e-mails… and the most recent one was sent five minutes ago. That could only mean that there were more to come.

After going through several of the profiles- and sending to almost all of them rejections- she reached a most interesting profile… The man's name was Walter C. Dornelaz, and judging by his profile he was very loyal, and didn't talk much. He sounded damn near perfect for being a butler. Almost too perfect, really. Wanting to know more about his past, Integra sent a reply requesting to know a little more, then turned to pay attention to his picture. He wasn't really bad looking, she had to admit. It was unusual that he was so young, yet his hair had a slight sheen to it, and was a very dark grey; close to black, but not close enough. What really intrigued her was his eyes; how they would hold such wisdom, yet humor. It was like looking at someone's grandpa, who had seen several battles, and, yet, still managed to crack a joke and tell humorous stories that took place in those battles. They were also a lovely shade of dark blue. They reminded her of some sort of jewel. Sighing and shaking her thoughts away from this man, she clicked on the link back to her inbox and found that Walter had replied.

'My past is not a good one, but if you must know, I was a fighter. A delinquent of sorts, but made passing grades in school and succeeded in requiring all the necessary knowledge of becoming a gardener, an artist, or a butler- something that you are needing, correct?

If I might be so arrogant, what is the name of my future employer?'

Integra smirked at the e-mail and quickly typed him back.

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing.

Appropriate place to end it, no? Lol. Review if you'd like. It encourages me to update faster.