Author's Note: I do not own Shingekoi no Kyojin.
"Eren?"
I sigh. The air tickles my lips.
"Yeah?"
"Will you promise me something?"
Lifting a hand, I brush my hair back from my eyes.
I don't like making promises.
It's not because I'm dishonest. It isn't because I enjoy telling lies. I don't like making promises, because I don't like the idea of breaking them. A promise is a promise; you're meant to keep it. But, in life, there are always going to be promises that you can't keep.
And when you can't keep a promise, you let someone down.
I sigh again.
"No."
That gets his attention. I don't look at him, but I can tell by the way his entire body shifts towards me. I can feel him gazing at me. But I don't return the gesture. I lift my head, and study the stars.
"What?"
Another sigh. I seem to be doing that a lot, lately.
"No, Levi, I can't promise you anything." Slowly, I sit up. Immediately, I miss the steadiness of the wall against my back. All the same, I stretch my arms, and slowly, some of the tension leaves my muscles.
"Why?"
"Because." I lift a shoulder. "It wouldn't be fair."
I can almost feel him rolling his eyes.
"What does that even mean, Eren?"
I take a small breath. "It means that I don't want to make you a promise, if I can't be certain that I can keep it." I wrap my fingers around the scarred that is my thumb. The skin feels calloused, rigid.
"How do you know that you won't be able to keep it?" He sounds somewhat amused, and that irritates me. But I swallow it down. "You didn't even let me finish."
I don't say anything, and now, it's Levi's turn to sigh.
"Eren, stop it."
"Stop what?"
Another sigh. "Stop acting like a child."
I stiffen, and I feel blood, rushing to my cheeks.
"I'm not a child!" I retort. Instantly, I wish that I hadn't; my voice is high, whine-like. Childish. Not what I wanted my Corporal to hear at all.
"Well, if that's true," he murmurs, "turn around, and look at me."
Damn it! Why does the idea make me so nervous? It's not as though I've never looked at him before. But I can't even fool myself. I know why I don't want to look at him.
It's because he'll look back at me, with his eyes narrowed, his brows arched, and his mouth twisted into exasperation. He'll look at me, and just like always, I'll end up losing. He'll win, and I'll do whatever he wants.
When did this become a battle?
But once again, I'm not fooling anybody. As long as we disagree, it will always be a battle between the two of us. Do I want to give in? No. Does he? No.
"Eren." I can hear that exasperation in his voice. He's getting impatient.
"Fine," I mutter. And I do.
By the light of the moon, Levi's skin is pale. There's a hint of a glow across his cheeks – something that I've never seen before. But even the moon's softness can't hide Levi's edges; the razor-like lines of his cheekbones, the narrow slant of his grey eyes. I swallow silently.
But my compliance has lessened some of his irritation. He folds his arms across his chest, and as I lower my eyes, fiddling with my thumb, he leans back, and rests his head against the wall. I sit still, silent, waiting for him to speak again.
When he does, his voice is low.
"Can I finish, now?"
I nod. "Of course."
"Thank you." Levi rubs a hand across his neck. It's odd, seeing his neck; it's always covered by that awful cravat. But tonight, the rag is nowhere to be seen.
"Eren, will you promise me something?"
I huff. He likes to hear himself talk, I've concluded. "I already told you-,"
"Just say yes, brat?"
That shuts me up. It shouldn't, but his choice of words stings, a little; I haven't been 'brat' in a long time. It's like a slap. I lower my head.
"Yes." Levi closes his eyes.
"Promise me that – no matter what happens tomorrow-," he takes a breath. "Promise me that you won't hate me."
Wait, what?
The silence that follows his words is heavy. I stare at him. He hasn't opened his eyes yet, but I know he's waiting for me to respond. But I'm at a loss. What's more frustrating than anything else is that the words are there – on my tongue, racing around my head. But I can't remember how to work my mouth. I can't figure out how to open my lips.
Hate you? How on earth could I hate you?
That's what I want to say.
But of course, that isn't what tumbles out.
"What does that matter?"
Levi opens his eyes. "What?" He looks somewhat less than impressed by my response, and I want to kick myself. But once again, my control over my words has vanished.
"Why does it matter if I hate you?"
For a while, he doesn't move. His silence is unnerving. There's a hundred apologies on my tongue, waiting to be launched. But just as I'm about to release the first of many, Levi speaks.
"It matters," he says. "It matters, because – simply – I don't want you to hate me."
Because he doesn't want me to hate him.
Such a simple, almost innocent admission sounds alien, coming from the Corporal's lips. Hiding my face, I try to hold back my smile. It feels out of place, but I can't stop the corners of my lips from lifting slightly.
We sit in silence – Levi lost, apparently in his own mind, and myself waiting for him to find his way out, and speak.
When he finally does, his question catches me off-guard.
"Eren, if you could somehow turn back time, what one thing would you do differently?" He takes a breath, before adding, "If anything, that is."
I stare at my hands. What would I do differently?
What do I regret?
That's what he means. That's what he's asking. I clench my fingers into fists.
But why is he asking me? Isn't he the one who told me not to dwell on what's passed?
"The only thing we're allowed to believe is that we won't regret the choices we made."
That what's he said.
But, if I'm being honest, are there things that I regret? Of course there is. Not saving my mother. Hurting Mikasa. Watching Eld and Gunther and Oulo and Petra die, knowing that I could have saved them. There's any number of things that I regret. And it's difficult – how am I supposed to pinpoint a single act to redo? A single decision to re-make?
But even as I ask myself these questions, I know the answer – I know what I would do differently.
"Eren?"
Levi's voice startles me. Blinking away my thoughts, I look at him. He isn't watching me, but every ounce of his attention is aimed in my direction. He's waiting. I clear my throat with a single, gruff cough.
"If I could turn back time," I say quietly, "I would… I would stop Armin from joining the Scouts."
Levi turns his head. He fixes me with an unreadable expression.
"Oh?"
I nod. "Yes," I confirm. I run the tip of my finger across the indents on my thumb. "I'd stop him. I'd do anything, I think, if it would mean… well." I cough again. Levi gives a small nod.
"Only Armin?" He sounds disinterested, but the fact that he's questioning me betrays his attentiveness. "What about Mikasa?"
Somehow, I manage not to wince at the sound of her name. Mikasa. My sister. Closing my eyes for a moment, I shake my head.
"She wouldn't have listened," I say. "The only way to stop her from joining up would have been to not join up myself." I shake my head again. "And that wasn't an option for me."
But maybe it should have been.
Because if I hadn't been so determined – so damn determined – to join the Survey Corps, then, maybe, Mikasa and Armin would be here, and I wouldn't be speaking of them as something from my past rather than a part of my present. Closing my eyes, I hang my head.
"I should have stopped him," I say. "He might still be here if I had."
"Maybe you're right."
I glance up. "What?"
Levi lifts a shoulder. "Maybe you're right," he says again. "Maybe it's all your fault."
At his words, I can all but feel the blood drain from my cheeks.
"Levi-,"
"Or, perhaps you're wrong." Titling his head, he fixed me with an unflinching gaze. "In fact, it's likely that you are. Joining the regiment was Armin's decision." He sighs quietly. "I doubt you could have changed that."
I stare at him. As I do, he sighs, and closes his eyes once again. Slowly, he lifts an arm, and rests it behind his head. He suddenly looks so peaceful.
"Eren."
"Yes?"
He pushes his raven fringe away from his face.
"If I could do one thing differently, I would go back to that day in the courtroom."
My stomach drops. I don't like to think about that day, and I don't believe that Levi does, either. I bring my fingers to my lap, and knead them together.
"I told you, Levi," I say quietly. "I understand why you did what you did."
Levi's laugh startles me. It's short and sharp, and the sound vanishes just as suddenly as it erupted. "That's not what I meant," he says. His lips are fighting against a smirk. "I'd still beat the crap out of you, believe me." His fringe has fallen across his eyes again. This time, he doesn't bother to brush it back. He lets it hang lightly around his face.
"Then why would you go back?" I ask. Levi sighs.
"I'd go back," he says, "and stop myself from promising to kill you, should the need ever arise."
The night isn't cold. In fact, the air around me is milder than it has been in a long while. But I feel suddenly chilled. Trying to supress the shiver that's running along my back, I pull my coat tightly around my body. The old material warms me a little, but that warmth isn't enough to drive out the cold that Levi's words have brought.
His boot in my face. His fist in my gut. Blood in my mouth, and my face against the floor.
The pain. Oh God, the pain.
"You know, personally, I think nothing instils discipline like pain."
Levi. Corporal Levi.
"You don't need a good talking to." His voice is like a wall; cold, harsh, uncaring. "What you're in need of, boy, is to be taught a lesson." On the floor, before my eyes, my blood is creating a puddle. The smell makes me want to retch.
"And you happen to be in perfect kicking position."
The blow that follows blinds me.
My head's about to cave in.
Another. And another. Another, another, another. I don't think I can breathe anymore.
"N-now hold on, Levi!"
"What is it?" The corporal is talking, but I can't see. His boot is pushed up against my face, blocking out everything except for the pain.
The man's voice trembles. "It's dangerous," he stammers. "What if he gets angry, and… turns into a titan?"
The corporal lowers his boot. Somehow, I manage to lift my head.
But it's pointless. Another kick, and I'm down again. And for a second, I'm sure that he's going to kill me. Here and now, the corporal is going to end me. Right now.
"Don't be silly."
Pain shoots through my skull as a hand grasps my hair. The blood dribbles down my face as the corporal pulls my face to the light. His image swims before me – I can't focus.
"After all, you guys just want to dissect him, don't you?" Gasps and murmurs are the only reply.
"During the time that he was transformed, they say that Jaeger was able to kill twenty titans before he ran out of strength. As an enemy, his intelligence makes him all the more dangerous." He glares down at me. As though somehow, all of this is my fault. As though life is somehow my fault. The pain nags at me; maybe it is.
"But I could still take him down without a problem." I hear him turn, and address the court. "How many of you can say the same?"
My head begins to spin. The silence around me is loud.
"Before you torment the beast, you'd better think." I feel him watching me again. The taste of blood is so potent in my mouth; I'm going to be sick. "Can you actually kill him?"
My chest tightens. Even now, so many years later, his words still scrape at my mind.
"And if he should…" Zackly's voice trails off, painfully. "Lose control?"
"I can definitely kill him, if it comes to that."
No pause. No hesitation. And just like that, Corporal Levi has sworn to kill me.
"Promise me that you won't hate me."
"Levi." His name feels heavy on my tongue. Levi. My corporal. My leader.
"Levi, don't think about it."
Levi, my friend.
He looks at me. "How can I not?" he asks softly, more to his own ears than to mine. His grey eyes are shadowed. They fill me with a sense of guilt. I hate that I make him feel the way that he does. I hate that I can't change this – any of this.
He's waiting for me to respond.
"Duty before friendship." That's what I'm supposed to tell him. It's the most basic, most primary law that a solider is taught: humanity first, emotions last.
It's Levi's duty to kill me tomorrow, should I become a threat. Should I become a danger, it's his duty to put an end to that danger. He promised that he would.
And this is why I don't like making promises. Because you can never be sure that you'll be able to keep them. Levi is no exception.
I don't want to talk anymore. Stupidly – childishly – all I want is to curl into myself, and turn away from him, so that he doesn't have to look at me anymore.
But I don't. Instead, I lift my chin, and grab his eyes with my own. And, for a moment, I wonder what he thinks of them. Does the intensity of their green unsettle him, as it does so many others? Or does it comfort him, in a strange sort of way, to know that someone else holds so much colour in their eyes? Because Levi's are like the winter sky: alive, with a grey so deep that when he's angry – or, if ever, he smiles – I feel as though they could swallow me whole.
"Don't think about what you promised, Levi," I say. My voice is stronger than I thought it would be. "Just do what you think is right."
He doesn't say anything, so I push on. "That way, even if you end up regretting your decision later, well… at least you'll know you listened to your heart."
Levi lifts a hand, and buries his face in his palm. "That sounds so pitiful when you say it out loud."
My ears burn. Sheepish, I dip my head.
"Yeah, I know." I cough, trying to dislodge the embarrassment that's trapped in my throat. "But, well, you understand what I mean, right?" I press my hand against my abdomen – the muscles are tense, and tight. "Listen to your gut – you know, instincts, I mean." Words have not been kind to me, this evening. In my mouth, my tongue feels swollen and clumsy.
I sigh.
"Just… don't worry about me, alright?"
Levi snorts. "A little late for that, dumb-ass."
I scowl at him. Levi just sighs. He's the only person who sighs more than I do, I believe.
"I don't have many things left to worry about," he says. And he extends one finger.
"My sanity."
He extends another.
"Hygiene."
He extends one more.
"And you." He gazes out, taking in the night, and quietly, I study my companion. And I allow myself to notice the lines that stain the skin beneath eyes, and the soft space between his dark brows. The fine, silver strands that peek occasionally from among his dark locks shimmer in the moonshine.
Levi is not old. But he's no longer young.
The sound of my boots meeting stone is loud. Straightening my coat, I clear my throat.
"Come on," I say gently. "It's getting late." I turn away from the night sky.
"Where do you think you're going?"
I frown, but all the same, I glance over my shoulder.
"Inside."
Levi shakes his head. "You can't go yet," he mutters. I sigh.
"Why not?"
Levi gives a small smirk. "Because you haven't answered my question."
"Eren, will you promise me something?"
"Levi." My voice is soft, and for a moment, I wonder if my words will reach far enough to be heard. But then, he nods.
"Yes?"
"No matter what happens tomorrow – or any other day – I promise that I will never hate you."
The man lets out a single breath of air. And slowly, he slides off the wall. Before I realize it, he's standing before me. I look down at him.
"I'm glad," he murmurs. "It would be somewhat degrading to be despised by a brat."
I shake my head. And I wrap my arms around him.
I'm waiting to be attacked. I'm waiting for the rebuke. But it doesn't come.
Levi stands, his forehead barely reaching my shoulder. I can feel his breath on my neck. The sensation is somewhat irritating, but – in an odd sort of way – it brings comfort.
I hug my friend. Not just for him – I don't know if he wants my touch, and I don't plan on asking – but for myself. It reminds me that we're both real.
"Eren." His voice sounds weary. "I'm getting old, aren't I?"
Despite the mellow of his statement, I chuckle quietly.
"You're not that old."
Do I like making promises? No, I don't.
Did I mean what I said, when I promised Levi that I would never hate him?
Yes. Undeniably so.
Hey all!
I know I haven't written in a while, but life has been crazy! I've been wanting to do an Attack On Titan piece for a while now - something between Eren and Levi that was romantic. More than anything, I love friendship stories - I hope that you guys enjoyed this. Thanks for taking the time to read, and - if it's not a heap of trouble - some feedback would be wonderful :D
~Sparki