The Anti Luke

Summary: Lorelai married Christopher because he was the anti-Luke. Will she leave him for the same reason? And why is Luke being auctioned off at an eligible bachelor fundraiser? Inherehtly JavaJunkie.

A/N – Go back and watch episode 2.14, "It Should've Been Lorelai." I really think this gives us tons of insight into Lorelai's relationship mindset, and Christopher's role in her life. Lorelai admits that she has sabotaged all her other relationships waiting for Chris to get his act together. I believe that she needs to get him out of her system before she can move on. Honestly, I thought I dealt with this issue better in my first fanfic, the post-S4 Things Left Unsaid, where she got over & done with him before getting seriously involved with Luke…but now the show's writers have brought us here – with L&L broken up and Lorelai married to Chris. sigh

I do not personally believe that Christopher is evil. He means well, and he truly loves Lorelai. He is, however, an immature screwup, and what does a screwup do once he's inherited an obscene amount of money and finally gotten the woman of his dreams to marry him? He screws it up, of course!

A bit of an inconsistency with the show is that I'm not dealing with the whole Luke/Anna custody battle. I came up with the concept for the story before that storyline started and I can't be bothered to work it in now.

On with the story…

Lorelai opened her eyes to a sunny morning. She rolled over expectantly, only to find Chris' side of the bed empty. She sighed, got up, put on a robe and found her way downstairs to the kitchen, where she spotted a note on the table:

Lor,

Didn't want to wake you. Emergency at work, going in early and probably working late. Call if you need anything.

-C

"Third time this week," Lorelai muttered to herself as she measured the coffee into the coffee maker. "If only the President worked so hard he'd have solved that whole Iraq thing ages ago."

Lorelai got dressed and walked downtown, heading to Weston's for some breakfast. Stars Hollow was preparing for its annual Valentines Day festivities. The gazebo was decked out with pink streamers, there were booths set up in the town square with teddy bears and chocolates everywhere.

Lorelai spied Kirk setting up a booth. He was struggling to hang an overly large, crudely hand-painted paper banner on it.

"Need a hand, Kirk?" she asked as she grabbed an end and held it up while Kirk taped the other end. Now she could read it:

Kirk's Kissing Korner.

"Got a new hobby, Kirk?" Lorelai asked jovially.

"I'm selling kisses at the town Valentine's festival," Kirk informed her. "Lulu thinks these lips are a hot item."

"And she doesn't object to you kissing other girls?"

"She wants us to go on a romantic getaway to Omaha. I thought this would be a good way to earn some extra money," Kirk informed Lorelai.

Kirk finished his end of the banner and came around to tape up the other side. Unfortunately the banner was too big, so that the word "Korner" displayed entirely on the side of the booth.

"Your sign looks a little big, Kirk," Lorelai said.

"Yeah, I was trying to think of a way to shorten it, but the only thing I could think of was to abbreviate it to 'The KKK' and Lulu didn't think it was descriptive enough."

"Kirk, if you called it 'The KKK' you'd have bigger problems than that on your hands."

Kirk finished taping the sign up. Lorelai noticed a container full of what looked like rubber blobs. "Kirk, what are those?" she inquired.

"Latex lip protectors," he replied.

"Excuse me?"

"For sanitary purposes. I could be exposing myself to the saliva of up to 2000 girls. I'm certainly not going to risk catching the bird flu, or cold sores, or meningitis from some floozy who's willing to pay $5 for a Kirk-kiss," Kirk explained.

"2000 girls at $5 a kiss, huh? Good luck with that, Kirk."

Lorelai bid Kirk goodbye and proceeded on to Weston's. As she walked, she retrieved her cell phone from her pocketbook and turned it on. It informed her that she had voice mail. She dialed to retrieve her messages.

"Ms. Gilmore, this is Sara from the Yale Financial Office. I need to talk to you about your daughter's tuition for the spring semester. Please give me a call back at your earliest convenience."

Lorelai deleted the message and listened to the next one.

"Lorelai ," started Michel's French accented voice, "I need to talk to you about the Memorial Day weekend reservations…"

Lorelai hung up from voice mail and dialed a number on her phone. She listened to it ring repeatedly, until Christopher's voice mail picked up.

"Chris, it's me. I just had a message from Yale, I think you forgot to send in Rory's tuition check again. Please give them a call." Lorelai hung up the phone as she entered Weston's.

She ordered her food and sat down just as her cell phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and then answered.

"Hey, what was the name of that book you were telling me about?" she demanded of Rory on the other end of the phone.

"What book?" Rory replied.

"Don't you remember? You were telling me all about this book…" Lorelai rambled vaguely. "Written by that guy…" she trailed off.

"Oh! The book by the guy! I remember now!" Rory replied sarcastically.

"The guy. The speech. The one guy mentioned the other guy's book in his speech," Lorelai supplied.

"You mean Hugo Chavez talking about Noam Chomsky?" Rory asked.

"That's the one. What was the name of the book?"

"Hegemony or Survival Are you actually going to read it?"

"Nah, I've got too many Green Acres DVD's to watch. I just thought it might be a good birthday present for Grandpa," Lorelai replied. "Anyway, what's up?"

"What time is the Sweetheart Buffet on Saturday?"

"11:00. Don't you dare miss it, we haven't missed one of these since the year you were 9 and had the flu."

"And miss seeing who Miss Patty's bringing this year? Not for all the vindaloo in England," Rory commented. "Plus I love fighting with Taylor to give us the couples discount."

Lorelai giggled. "Too bad we can't do it this year, I've already got a date. This marriage thing is really kinda cool, I've got a built-in date for everything."

"And I get ditched at your first opportunity. Hmm, think Taylor would be up for a threesome?" Rory joked.

Lorelai shuddered. "I really did not need that visual."

"Hey, with Dad there this year, are we going to have to watch what we eat now?" Rory pouted.

"Oh, God you're right, I bet Chris cuts us off after 7 donuts. Hey! I won't be allowed to go to the Bachelor Auction either this year. Man, marriage is just no fun," Lorelai whined.

"Bye Mom."

"Bye hon."

LUKE'S DINER

"Seventeen," Taylor said in frustration. "How can there be only 17 eligible bachelors in Stars Hollow? Last year we had 28. Where did they all go?"

Miss Patty was sitting at the table with Taylor, planning the Eligible Bachelor Auction with him. "Well I think a few of them got married," she said.

"Three. Three of them got married, what happened to the rest? And why aren't we getting any new blood?"

"Taylor, you're forgetting about Ron Wilcox," Patty reminded him. "He was perfectly willing to do it again this year."

"Sara Hebert swears she got an STD from him last year. That is bad for publicity, I refuse to permit it."

The door to the diner opened and April walked in. She searched for Luke, who was back working in the storeroom, so she sat down at a stool at the counter to wait for him.

"Well if we just make sure he wears his raincoat this time…" Patty suggested.

"No, no, I will not have it. The insurance would be astronomical, anyway," Taylor replied. "What happened to Chris Brennan?"

"I believe he joined the Peace Corps in Botswana," Patty said.

Taylor rolled his eyes. "These people just have no sense of civic responsibility any more," he complained. "This event is a major fundraiser for the town each year, but noooo, he has to go join the Peace Corps."

April turned to listen to their conversation.

"What about Tyler Berenson?" Miss Patty inquired.

Again, Taylor rolled his eyes. "Tyler Berenson felt the need to 'come out of the closet' as they say these days, to the entire family-oriented community of Stars Hollow. Personally I find it in very bad taste how these young men feel the need to share every aspect of their deviant lives with the entire world."

Miss Patty's eyes brightened. "Oh, but Taylor, don't you see? Keep him in the auction and you've just doubled your audience pool. Now you'll have men bidding on the bachelors along with the women."

"I will not have Stars Hollow turning into Fire Island," Taylor insisted.

April got up and walked over to their table. "What about my dad?" she interjected.

"Excuse me dear?" Miss Patty said.

"My dad. For the bachelor auction."

Taylor and Miss Patty dissolved into peals of hysterical laughter.

"What?" asked April, confused at this reaction.

"Oh, I'm sorry dear," apologized Miss Patty. "Just the idea of Luke Danes, voluntarily participating in any town function, let alone being auctioned off as an eligible bachelor…" She began to giggle again, and several of the diner customers joined her this time.

"But he's a bachelor. He's eligible," April insisted. "Very eligible. Way too single, if you ask me."

"Oh honey, you're welcome to ask him, just don't get your hopes up," Miss Patty consoled her.

"Thanks!" April said, a gleam in her eye as she sat back down at the counter.

Luke finally returned from the storeroom and spotted April at the counter.

"Hey," he said in greeting as he leaned over to give her a hug. "When did you get here?"

"Just a few minutes ago. Did you know that this town of yours is a bit goofy?"

Luke snorted in agreement.

"I thought my school was going crazy with Valentine's Day stuff, but it's nothing compared to all this." She indicated the preparations going on outside in the town square. "Are you doing any of it?"

"Nah, I always thought this was kind of a stupid, trumped-up holiday," Luke replied.

"Yeah, I know what you mean, but sometimes it's easy to get caught up in it. My school is having this dance and it's getting kinda crazy, everyone talking about who's going with who."

A look of concern crossed Luke's face. "But you're not going with anyone, right?"

"Well, Justin Silva asked me, but I haven't given him an answer yet. Hey, I just heard them talking about this Eligible Bachelor auction, you're not in it?"

Luke snorted again. "Me? No thanks, I have no desire to be ogled by a bunch of rabid women."

"From what I'm hearing, it'll be rabid men, too."

"Not really my scene, April."

"But it's for charity…" she prompted him. "You could get up there and really strut your stuff. You might even meet someone nice."

"I don't strut. Now tell me about this Justin guy."

"Oh, he's just a guy in my Algebra class."

"Do you like him?" Luke asked.

"He's OK."

"Does your mother know about this?"

"Oh sure, she's one of the organizers of the dance"

"I dunno, April, I'm not sure it's such a good idea for you to be going on a date…"

"Dad, I'll make a deal with you. If you say yes to the auction, I'll say no to Justin," April offered.

"April…" Luke growled.

"Those are my terms," she stated with an air of finality.

Luke rolled his eyes and sighed. "OK, OK," he agreed grudgingly.