Another prompt for you here guys, hope you enjoy :) let me know what you think.
I'm still working on chapter 9 Beneath the Betrayal, it IS coming, I haven't forgotten about it, for those who have been asking. Thanks for your continued interest :)
Enjoy!
Clarke walked into Lexa's room, the guards automatically moving aside and opening the door for her without hindrance. She stopped after only taking a few steps inside though, her eyes getting caught and focusing on the sight in front of her. On Lexa, who was standing with her back to her, a woman at her either side helping to lower a shirt over her head without aggravating any of her injuries.
Clarke swallowed a breath, her tongue popping out to moisten her lips. She both cursed herself and was thankful for walking in at this very moment but then, she supposed, Lexa must have told her guards to let her in whenever, otherwise she wouldn't be standing there, rooted to the spot, staring at the expanse of her back.
Clarke's eyes widened as she took in Lexa's tattoo, as fleeting of a moment it was that she glimpsed it. It was large, bold and breathtaking but within seconds the women had lowered the shirt and one of them was freeing Lexa's braids from it, while the other was delicately seeing to Lexa's injured hand.
"Clarke," Lexa said upon turning, altogether more softly than she usually said her name while in the company of others, but not without the clipped edge of her usual tone.
It took a moment for Clarke to respond. Her heart was already beating faster thanks to the fight; a cold shiver moving through her mind reminded her of it. She was glad Lexa had won, of course, but not at all happy she had to fight to begin with. That this culture of theirs demanded it, after all the things Lexa did for her people. What she'd sacrificed. Clarke was only just starting to understand what life for the Commander was like and she wasn't liking it, not at all. It seemed to her that Lexa was expected to give all that she was and wasn't allowed an awful lot in return.
Clarke's eyes cut away from Lexa then, just for a moment, and she took in the vast piece of furniture that was between them; Lexa's bed. Her brow jumped a little as she examined it and she hoped Lexa didn't notice. The thing was huge. A wooden frame with a massive, intricate headboard that looked more like a set of doors than anything else with a statue at its either side, and candles lit on platforms above them. It looked as comfy as it was vast and Clarke had to blink a few times to stop her mind from wandering. To stop herself from pondering how comfortable it looked.
"I wanted to check your hand," Clarke said finally, a light cough covering up the gravel in her voice.
Lexa nodded, with a glance to the handmaiden on her left. "Yu na gon we." Her words were quiet, her attention dropping to the floor momentarily as they followed her instruction to leave. She felt tired, really, and she hurt. There were often times where Lexa couldn't tell her outward pain from her inward pain. They seemed to mingle together, especially after battles such as this one. Proving her worth was part of her role, she knew it very well and did it every time but afterwards when she was alone, she often wondered when she'd no longer have to. When her people would just trust her, and there would simply be no more retaliation.
She straightened quickly then, when the door closing behind her handmaidens brought her out of her thinking and she shrugged it off for the weakness such a thought was. Clarke was moving too, she was rounding the bed slowly as if she wasn't too sure how she'd be received and Lexa pushed her shoulders back, the emotion however slow to fall from her expression.
Clarke stopped when she was just a few feet from Lexa and she gestured toward her badly wounded hand. "May I?"
Lexa wasn't prepared for this. She often shied away from receiving this kind of attention and her initial reaction was to send Clarke away. She didn't need her fussing over her hand, she didn't need her fussing over her, not that she thought that was Clarke's intention. The thing was though; she didn't want to send her away. She wanted Clarke near, she wanted her attention and she was honestly sick of fighting what she wanted.
Lexa nodded minutely and presented Clarke with her right hand, holding it loosely in the air between them, palm up. It was wrapped untidily in a bandage and quickly Clarke's hands went to its either side, cradling it gently as she regarded the colour of the blood staining the bandage. It was dark, and it made Clarke frown.
Clarke hunched down a little over Lexa's hand for a closer look, all thought of anything else vanishing from her mind, for the moment. She jiggled Lexa's hand a little in order to try and catch the light a bit better. It didn't work seeing as the only light available was from the candles that were dotted around the room since the sun had already set. Absentmindedly Clarke hissed a little, pushing the breath out between her teeth as she could only imagine how much such a wound hurt. She remembered Lexa catching Roan's blade in her gloved palm, her fingers clenching around it as she forced him back and away from her. She had to close her eyes for a moment, trying to force the image away.
Lexa raised a solitary brow at the noise Clarke made, and then raised it even further at the wince that covered her beautiful face. Lexa found her reaction both amusing and surprising, and her lips twitched a little in how much Clarke in that moment, seemed to care. Lexa let her eyes wander over Clarke's face while she concentrated on undoing the bandage.
Her hair was pushed back behind her ears this evening which meant Lexa could see more of her face and it reminded her of how she used to wear it before the mountain. When she didn't carry quite so heavy a burden. Her expression was softer though, now, as well. Softer than before her fight to the death. It made Lexa think that maybe Clarke was glad she had survived and that thought in and of itself made her happy.
"We need to go over to the light," Lexa heard Clarke say, and she simply let herself be lead over to the bed. Clarke's attention was on her palm and as they sat Clarke still cradled Lexa's hand between her own; Lexa sitting with her back against the headboard and then Clarke tilted her palm up towards the candles, surveying it intently as the pads of her thumbs worked into the flesh around her wound.
Blood seeped out a little as she did.
"Shit," Clarke whispered, quickly getting up and moving to the table against the wall so she could grab a cloth and more bandage. She also picked up some salve, a needle and thread and dunked the cloth into a bowl of water that was on her way back to the bed.
She sat just as quickly and dumped everything on the furs next to her, the wet cloth immediately dabbing at the open wound.
Lexa's eyes hadn't left her.
After a moment Clarke gestured toward the table with her head. "So is that just for emergencies or do you always have it set up?" It was meant as a joke but it came out a little more seriously than she intended.
Lexa didn't have to look to know to what she was referring. "I get many injuries, Clarke," she responded, her tone low and warm. It only made Clarke pause for a second before she resumed her dabbing. "Sometimes even with the Nightblood's. It pays to be prepared."
Clarke didn't know what a Nightblood was but she assumed it was something else a little heinous in their culture Lexa had to deal with. Clarke stopped as she exhaled a breath purposefully, clenching her teeth together as she blinked once or twice, trying to rid herself of... whatever it was she felt.
The very same feeling that made her seek Lexa out tonight, she suspected. The thing that burned within her to know that she was okay. That she wasn't in too much pain, that her hand had been seen to correctly which it hadn't, she hastened to add and her brow furrowed again.
Then she shook her head, clearing the haze out of her head. Lexa needed to be okay, after all, for the good of her people and the coalition and that was that... She went back to her dabbing.
"Are you alright, Clarke?"
"Yeah," she responded a little too quickly, the furrow very slow to leave her brow. "Of course," she knew she wasn't convincing. "It's just..." and she brought the back of her hand to her lips as she coughed lightly, "...did you have to catch it with your hand, Lexa?"
It wasn't what she was expecting and it made the Commander's lips curl up, just a little.
Clarke's eyes flicked to Lexa's but she dropped them as soon she caught forest green. "Isn't that what weapons are for?"
Both of Lexa's eyebrows shot up, then. She wasn't certain how versed Clarke was in hand to hand combat but her slight smile still remained, however, enjoying whatever this version of protectiveness was coming from the agitated Wanheda.
"Yes," Lexa replied, not as evenly as she would have liked but she found she didn't care. Clarke wasn't being very good at hiding her emotions after all, and frankly Lexa didn't want to either. She sighed as she continued, becoming a little wistful. "If I hadn't you would be tending a wound to my face instead."
Clarke looked up then, but Lexa's attention was on her hand, her eyes altogether too soft for someone who had just escaped death. Altogether much too soft for someone who had just ended lives. At the same time, though, Clarke could see Lexa was conflicted. Her eyes held sorrow, almost an air of defeat that Clarke had never seen in her expression before. It was strange. She was still Lexa, still Heda, still with an aura of power and might and authority but she looked sad. She looked like, almost... as if she wished she wasn't as she was. Like she was tired of it.
It made Clarke stare and it was a good few moments before Lexa looked up and met her gaze and that's when Clarke was certain. She was tired, and she was sorry. Clarke felt a tug in her chest and she smiled fondly, rubbing her one thumb softly along Lexa's index finger and her other up and over her wrist. They stayed like that for a while as they tried to read into each other's expressions and find some sort of solace there, and it was only when Lexa finally smiled back that Clarke pulled her eyes away and went back to caring for her wound.
Lexa pulled in a breath and licked at her dry lips, finding an immense amount of comfort in this moment. In the way Clarke was caring for her, in the peace and the warmth and contentment that was abundant in her room. Moments like this were hard pressed for her, and she had no idea if she would find it again. If Clarke would allow it so she settled back against the headboard, rested her head back and closed her eyes, following the slow rhythm of her easy breaths as she let this wayward moment of affection consume her.
It wasn't lost of Clarke, either, for that matter. It felt strange, if she was honest. Strange in that she wasn't sure if she should be here, being a part of it but knowing that she wanted to be. Strange in the fact that not all too long ago she was alone with Lexa and had a knife pressed to her throat and yet here the Commander was, the most relaxed Clarke had ever seen her with her guard down completely, trusting that she wouldn't do the same thing again. She could end her in a moment, if Clarke wanted to but then she supposed, Lexa knew that she wouldn't. She wondered if Lexa had known that when she held the knife to her throat to begin with and perhaps that's why she didn't fight her off.
Perhaps she knew all along that Clarke didn't have it in her. Perhaps Clarke knew that herself even when Roan told her the knife was under her bed. When she examined it in her hands. As she spun and pressed it to Lexa's throat. She wanted to want to, she wanted to make herself but there was just, no way that she could. There was something far too strong that made her turn and drop the knife. That made her give in and accept Lexa's proposal. It was the way Lexa said sorry, in the end. The way she breathed it and the words that followed as they cracked in her throat. It broke Clarke, and that was when she knew how much she felt, even though she was still angry, even though she still hurt but she knew.
Lexa winced, then, as Clarke was a little too forceful with the cloth. Her head shot forwards and she sucked in a breath between her teeth, her eyes opening with a frown on her face.
There were other things Clarke wanted, as well, and she was very much aware of them especially with the amount of time she was now spending with Lexa but she was resisting those quite forcefully.
"Sorry," Clarke murmured, her eyes darting up to Lexa's face but what she saw made her smile. It was practically a pout.
Lexa just attempted to glare at her which resulted in Clarke chuckling, which only made Lexa pout all the more.
"It is not funny, Clarke."
"No you're right," Clarke grinned, looking back down at Lexa's hand. "The big brave Commander can't take a little medical attention. You've just survived a death fight."
Lexa was certain no one ever mocked her the amount Clarke did and got away with it unscathed. Except perhaps for Anya, but that was completely different. Anya was her mentor; Clarke was... gada-de yu gaf jok in? Lexa swallowed awkwardly and swept her eyes to the side, praying that her cheeks weren't as heated as they felt.
(The girl you want to fuck)
She closed her eyes and rested her head back against the headboard, again and coughed, a little. "It stings," she muttered quietly, chastising herself for letting her thoughts roam so freely.
But then, that's what she wanted with Clarke, right? Lexa sighed. She was no good at this.
Clarke ceased with her dabbing confident Lexa's hand was now thoroughly clean. She inspected it again. "This does need a couple of stitches..." she pondered aloud, and Lexa breathed evenly as she opened one eye. Clarke didn't really want to have to, and she really couldn't see how Lexa wouldn't pop them as soon as they were in but, she supposed she could get away just a few and then bandaging most of the wound. The cuts on her fingers would need wrapping too.
Clarke let go of Lexa's hand and picked up the needle and thread. She looked at Lexa, then. "That okay?"
Lexa simply nodded and then went back to resting.
Clarke got to work, concentrating as much as possible as she didn't want to cause any unnecessary pain. She shuffled a little closer to Lexa after a moment, bending her knee in front of her so she could rest Lexa's hand on it. It was only then Clarke became aware of what she was wearing, that her legs were mostly bare aside from the shorts she was wearing that didn't make it to her knees. She had a long sleeved sweater on her top half that she had thrown on over her t-shirt when she left for Lexa's room, but she hadn't paid her legs any further attention.
She suddenly became very conscious of the skin of Lexa's hand against her knee but she tried to push it out of her mind. She was certain Lexa's hand was hot where it touched her, boiling even but she knew it was ridiculous. It was the room, Clarke put it down to. The heat and the intimate orange glow from the candles and the way the light flickered off the surfaces it touched. The way it danced across Lexa's resting, peaceful face certainly didn't help either, the way it made her look even more...
Clarke shook her head, her gaze then flicking down Lexa's body on its way back to her hand. She took note of what she assumed were the Commander's night attire. A simple baggy shirt and what she assumed were once pants but had been torn off around the knee on one leg, and around the shin on the other. They were torn and ripped all down her legs, actually, Clarke noticed on closer inspection and then she cleared her throat as brought her attention back to the task at hand.
She purposefully tried to think of something else and it didn't take long for her thoughts to return to what she was previously thinking about. When she decided the best thing to do was join the coalition. Her mind got stuck on something as her eyes flicked again to Lexa's face and then she swallowed. Would she have really let her go, just like that?
Clarke pushed the needle through Lexa's skin at the side of her palm, about a centimetre or so up from her thumb and she felt the slight twitch of the Commander's hand. Her fingers giving away the movement more than anything else. She paused briefly before she carried on, gently tugging the thread through. If Lexa had done that, then sure the coalition would have suffered. She would neither have the power of Wanheda, or the support and loyalty that she demonstrated before Lexa during the ceremony. In fact, Lexa would have come out weaker for it in the eyes of everyone and Clarke just couldn't see her doing it, somehow. Surely it would have meant her downfall.
Clarke pushed out a breath. "Would you have really let me go," she asked, not being able to stop herself. "Like you said you would?"
When Lexa didn't respond Clarke glanced at her a couple of times, the Commander's expression unmoving and her chest breathing as steadily as it was before. For a moment Clarke thought she might be asleep, but then who could sleep when their hand was being sewn up? But she supposed Lexa must have a weirdly high pain threshold.
"Yes," Lexa replied finally, her voice low and throaty as her eyes opened just slightly to peer at Clarke's downturned face. She was still concentrating closely on her hand.
Clarke didn't give any indication that she heard the answer. "Why?"
Lexa sucked in a breath quietly through her nose and held it for a moment before she exhaled. She felt her chest get warmer and inexplicably bigger somehow as her shoulders tensed an inch before she let the tension drain out of them. She was certain Clarke knew the answer to this question, yet she was asking it anyway and Lexa's heart thumped heavier at the implication. She blinked once before she answered, her tone soft and sincere. "You know why, Clarke."
Clarke just furrowed her brow a little, as she threaded the needle through Lexa's skin once more. "Tell me." Her tone was just as soft although her expression screamed the opposite.
Lexa exhaled again but heavier this time. Her head rolled to the opposite side of the bed against the headboard before she brought it back again. Her jaw clenched a little, as she geared up to let her guard down even further. She reminded herself this was the person she wanted to be, and could allow herself to be when she was alone with Clarke and so she moistened her lips, regarding Clarke with wide, open eyes.
"I was hurting you," Lexa began, thinking back to how Clarke was, not that it was all that long ago. She recalled the pain she saw in her glassy blue eyes, her barely controlled expression. The way her lip quivered and then the utter agony, as Clarke ripped her eyes from her and pushed Lexa away. It made Lexa swallow and it hurt, her throat suddenly scratchy and dry. It hurt her a lot and her forehead showed it. "I was only causing you pain. I did not want that."
Clarke stopped what she was doing and glanced up at the Commander, her face as full of regret as Clarke remembered from that day and as much as she wanted to be pleased by that fact, she wasn't. It was in the way Lexa couldn't quite meet her eyes, almost like she was ashamed.
Clarke narrowed her eyes, a little. "But that would have been bad for the coalition." She noticed Lexa's throat bob once more.
Lexa nodded, her jaw clenching as she reminded herself of the many things she could've lost that day, if Clarke had not told her to wait.
It was a good few moments before Lexa spoke and when she did her voice was slightly stronger. A little more composed. "I will not cause you further pain, Clarke," and then she shook her head, her eyes becoming more intent. "I know you have no reason to trust me, but I will not renege on my vow to you." Her hand twitched against Clarke's knee and it made Clarke's attention drop to it, Lexa extending her third and little fingers against pale skin so the backs of them were flat against it and then she trailed them softly to the right. She waited for Clarke's gaze to come back up. "I won't."
The only things Clarke was aware of were Lexa's voice, her incredible gentle touch and the hole that suddenly opened up in her chest as if her heart had just plummeted through it, or something. Her brow was furrowed but not at all in confusion or disbelief, but more like because she wasn't altogether too sure how to handle this side of Lexa.
Heda Lexa she had met and dealt with many times, but this Lexa, ordinary Lexa, open and honest Lexa was something else entirely. She was so raw Clarke had to fight her urge to just wrap her in her arms and give up all resistance but she wouldn't. She couldn't, because it was still too soon. She still saw the faces. Still burned and charred before her. She still saw Lexa's back as she left and walked away from her and even though Clarke knew she would've done the exact same thing, it didn't make things better. It didn't appease her ghosts and demons and Lexa was right, it was easier to blame her because otherwise it would just all rest on Clarke's shoulders and she couldn't handle that. Not at all. Not yet.
That would take time, Clarke knew, but the other thing, perhaps the most important thing nagged at her even more. The voice in her head that played devil's advocate. They were in this coalition, now, and her people were supposed to follow blindly wherever Lexa lead them. It plagued her, even with Lexa kneeling before her. What if she betrayed her again? What a fool she would be then, and then the shame would be all hers.
Clarke looked down and shook her head, her forehead scrunching up even more. "I just," she sighed, her breath shaking as she spoke. Her one hand grasped on the side of the bed and her other flat out on the furs to her other side. She was leaning forwards, a bit. "I want to trust you, Lexa."
Lexa's head was thick with emotion, with things she had only ever thought but was now trying to put into words. She knew she should be thankful for even having the opportunity to have this conversation, as several times now in the last four months she thought Clarke was lost to her forever. But now she was here and she was listening and if Lexa didn't want to lose her, which she didn't, well she was prepared to answer whatever Clarke might ask of her. No matter how hard it was to articulate. No matter how many times her heart turned in her chest.
She had done the hardest thing after all. She had bowed before Clarke in her throne room not because she needed to, but because she wanted to. She wanted to prove to Clarke that she would do anything to keep her safe, that she would keep her word and that she would deliver on any and all desires that she might have. Lexa knew how she felt, and she would be damned if she wouldn't show Clarke that she was serious. That her decision at the Mountain had been wrong, even though it was the only decision she could make at the time.
Lexa doubted she would deny Clarke anything, now the Skaikru were her people too.
"I know," Lexa said, and she did know. Lexa trusted very few people herself and she knew what a big deal it was to give anyone a second chance. But it didn't mean she would ever stop trying. "I will earn that back..." she continued, maybe a little too confidently and it made Clarke gaze back into her captivating green eyes. They were brighter now, and perhaps a little surer. It didn't matter that Lexa's palm still had thread attached to it, that the needle was forgotten somewhere in the furs next to Clarke's knee. The thread was long enough that movement wouldn't be restricted so Lexa turned her hand over and laid it softly against Clarke's bare skin. She did it slowly so there was chance for Clarke to stop her, or move her leg to avoid the contact but she didn't. In fact she didn't even move a millimetre so Lexa continued the action and lightly squeezed Clarke's knee.
"...And then perhaps, you will look at me differently." She had to flick her eyes away, then. "How you once did."
Clarke actually ached, the sincerity in Lexa's voice overwhelming along with the plea that was hidden beneath her words. Clarke swallowed and sighed out loud, her back straightening a little as she glanced at the ceiling, needing to steal a second away from the heat of this moment.
When her eyes returned to the Commander her face was angled down toward where her hand was positioned on Clarke's knee, watching as her thumb moved minutely across her skin.
She didn't look up as she spoke. "Until then I am prepared to wait."
Clarke just stared at her, at Lexa's downturned, gentle expression and she couldn't help but feel touched. She felt the words settle within her and although she knew that's all they were, just words, she believed them. She wanted to, and she took an immense pleasure out of the Commander saying them to her.
Clarke pulled her lips into a warm smile, the movement lighting up her face, just a little, and it was a moment or so before Lexa glanced up and saw the result of her words. She smiled too, but more so with her eyes and then Clarke reached out to Lexa's injured hand and swiped her thumb across the back of it, turning it over so she could finish her suturing.
She hunched over a little, her touch just as gentle as before but this time her fingers took more time to sooth the parts of Lexa's skin that weren't injured. Just for comfort. Just for some added affection.
Lexa didn't close her eyes this time. She took her time in taking in every inch of the girl in front of her. The way her hair stood away from her face with the addition of her braids. The way she frowned in concentration taking great care in being gentle. From the slight rise and fall of her chest as she breathed to the curve of her leg and the paleness of her feet, one against the edge of her bed and the other on the floor.
Lexa took in a breath, getting totally swallowed up in the moment. "I wanted to bring you here under different circumstances," she said, her attention now on her hand as Clarke worked, her brow creasing a little as she felt the needle prick. She sighed. "Not under the threat of war. I wanted things to be, different. I did not wish for this."
Clarke was coming to end of the part of the wound that needing stitching. She was comfortable, now, in this casual setting with Lexa and it occurred to her the amount of conversations she'd had with the Commander that didn't revolve around a war were very few and far between. "What did you wish for?" she asked, very interested in what the answer might be.
Lexa's brow flickered, for a moment. There were many, many answers to that question and she blinked a couple of times as she considered how best to answer it.
"You, here. As my guest." Lexa's voice had got quieter, as if it was an admission that was hard to confess. She clenched her jaw a little, once more becoming regretful. "I learned long ago we rarely get what we want, and never the way we want it."
Clarke was immediately choked by the defeat in Lexa's tone. She felt an awful lot like her heart stopping for a second, before it jerked back to life again. She spoke from experience of course. Lexa always spoke from the cruellest of experience. Clarke raised a brow as she supposed that now, so did she.
Clarke ran her thumb again across Lexa's wrist before she dipped her head and bit through the thread, carefully tying it off before she bit through it again, just much closer to the wound this time. Lexa was going to have quite a scar.
Clarke wanted to tell her how much she had wanted that too, and how much she wished she had told Lexa that outside the Mountain, those few months ago. She hadn't for a number of reasons. She thought they had time, she thought that perhaps by not saying it, then maybe the feelings that festered just beneath her skin weren't true, or were less true, and then she wouldn't have to deal with them.
It was a bit like now. She didn't want to admit that she wanted that too. That she wished for a time with the Commander without the onslaught of war. With the prospect of impossible decisions coming between them once more.
But then this was their reality, and no amount of wishing was going to change things and so Clarke remained silent, and just waited for Lexa to start speaking again.
The Commander sighed again and moved her gaze across the room. "It is foolish to wish such things."
It was like she was reading her mind. Clarke was more than aware of the biggest threat to Lexa's carefully constructed peace. "I get the impression you've never been far from war with the Ice Nation." She picked up the salve from where it lay next to her and started rubbing it into Lexa's more shallow cuts. She had one on each finger.
Lexa seemed to bristle, then. She kept her gaze across the room. "Our common enemy is gone. It was only a matter of time."
Clarke dipped her head in a reluctant nod and whatever was left unsaid, remained that way.
The back of Lexa's head hit the headboard. "I do not believe she will stop until one of us is dead."
It was said with so little emotion that Clarke knew it was packed full of it. She glanced sideways at her. "There's a lot of history there, isn't there?" Her fingers stopped moving for a moment.
Lexa's throat bobbed and her eyes glazed over. They were fixed on a spot across the room and she didn't deviate from it once. She didn't even blink. After a good few moments she nodded but that was all she gave.
Clarke knew she wasn't going to go into it, even before she posed the question and so she pretended she hadn't even asked. "She won't stand down, even though you have me?"
That caught her attention. Lexa rolled her head back to Clarke and held her gaze, the implication not lost on either of them. "Nia will still try to capture you regardless of the coalition. She still wants your power."
Clarke carried on with Lexa's cuts. "And yours?"
Lexa knew if Nia somehow managed to kill both her and Clarke, then the power she would yield would be unstoppable. No one would dare stand against the woman who slew both the Heda of thirteen clans and Wanheda. "Yes."
Clarke's tone became more serious. "We can't let that happen." She applied the salve with a little more force.
"No."
Clarke sighed as she finished up with the salve. She placed it back beside her and then leaned her weight on her palm against the furs. Her voice became firm. "We will win this, Lexa," she said with as much determination as she could muster, her eyes doing the penetrating thing this time as she looked at the Commander. "And then, perhaps..." she trailed off, her tone suddenly an awful lot softer, her gaze falling to Lexa's full lips.
Lexa felt a little like she was pinned. "Perhaps what, Clarke?" she whispered.
Clarke flicked her eyes back up. "You can have your wish."
Things seemed to stand still, then, and a shiver ran from Lexa's gut right up to her shoulders and down again. Her breath even caught in her throat, a lump forming that she couldn't shift. Clarke's eyes looked, astonishing. There was a tenderness there Lexa hadn't seen before, and a sincerity that made her think Clarke had let her guard down, too.
The Commander swallowed as she started to talk, her voice all the more raspy for it. Her strong, steady heartbeat was starting to burn her up and her stomach filled with anticipation, the likes of which she hadn't felt since she kissed Clarke, all that time ago.
"What do you wish for?" Lexa asked, a little throatily.
Before today, Clarke hadn't really thought about it. She had stopped hoping for things since the last time she stood inside Mount Weather and she hadn't particularly realised she wanted Lexa so much, until the very real possibility that she could be killed right in front of her presented itself. She was sick of all the war, that much she knew. She couldn't even begin to process what she truly felt until everyone stopped trying to kill each other. Till people stopped trying to kill Lexa.
Clarke's brow twitched. "Peace," she uttered quietly, feeling a little bit dazed.
Lexa's gaze fell as she felt something inside plummet. She felt foolish for being so sentimental. For assuming Clarke's answer would be anything different.
Clarke caught it as Lexa's expression dropped and her lips parted, just a bit. She felt like reaching out to her, but she didn't. Her eyes instead just roamed over the Commander's deflated frame. Clarke licked her lips, not sure what to say as what she wanted to, she wasn't ready to admit.
In the end she just reached for the bandage and started unravelling it, sighing heavily once more. "No more war."
Lexa pulled her eyes back over and watched the movement of Clarke's hands. "There is always the threat of war," she responded, her tone a little flat.
Clarke looked up at her then, her lips pulling to the side in a small smirk as she tried to inject a little levity. "Is that supposed to be reassuring?"
Lexa's eyes met Clarke's blue and when she noticed a hint of playfulness, she smiled tightly.
Clarke went a bit faster with the bandage and then she took Lexa's hand from her knee and held it in the air in front of her, leaving it there to hover. She started to wrap the material around Lexa's hand. "With the Mountains and the Ice Queen gone, who else is there to bring war?"
Lexa decided to bait her, just a little. "It is always best to be prepared, Clarke," she said in her best authoritative tone. "Then you cannot be surprised."
Clarke rolled her eyes. "You're so optimistic."
Lexa was proud of the reaction. "We are getting ahead of ourselves," she said, never one to live in an unrealised future.
Clarke smiled, and it was warm, her tone turning almost whimsical. "Can't we dream of something better, for a moment?"
And just like that, Lexa ran toward the unrealised future. Her lips curled up into a smile that mirrored Clarke's. "Yes. What shall we dream of?"
Clarke was grinning, now, and it made Lexa's insides smile, too. "Polis with no threat of war. All our people happy, fed. Safe."
Lexa raised an eyebrow and was about to say how she had provided all such things for her people, since she formed the coalition but Clarke cut her off before she could.
"You can take me to a beach."
Lexa blinked quite rapidly, something she hardly ever did. She wasn't sure she had heard correctly.
Clarke just carried on without noticing any of the Commander's inflections. Her attention was all on Lexa's hand. "I'd like to feel the sand beneath my feet. The tide against my legs..."
Everything about Clarke lit up then and Lexa knew she was witnessing a rare moment of true happiness from her. It was wonderful, and she promised herself she would see it again repeated in Clarke's expression, if it was the last thing she ever achieved.
"...The sea air," Clarke continued, getting a little carried away. She caught herself then, and pulled it back in. "I've read about it, I'd like to see it," she said trying to dismiss her enthusiasm. "Feel it."
"I will take you," the Commander breathed, without thinking twice. Her mind flashed forward to Clarke standing within the surf on a beach she knew, her hair catching on the breeze and her grin as wide as the horizon.
It was definitely something Lexa wanted to see.
Clarke chuckled. "Maybe we could have a vacation," and it made Lexa arch her brow. Clarke noticed her confusion and she thought about how to explain. "Some time away from our people, without responsibility." She was aware of how she was sounding but she continued anyway, her head tilting a little to the side. "Just to relax."
Lexa was intrigued. "Is this something your people do?"
"Difficult to do in space," Clarke replied. "Nowhere to go."
Lexa could see that, yet the whole concept still confused her. "But your leaders, they take time away from their duty?"
Clarke smiled as she glanced at the Commander briefly. She was cute when she wanted to learn. Her eager, unguarded face even cuter. "No. We had breaks from school, though." Then she clarified. "Our studies," and she shrugged. "Same kinda thing."
Lexa nodded twice and considered it. The whole thing was just odd, to her, completely impractical and Clarke chuckled even more at the level of incomprehension that occupied the Commander's face.
"It's a thing from the old world," Clarke added. "Maybe we shouldn't introduce it-"
"-I will show you the beach, Clarke," Lexa was quick to point out. That was never in question. They wouldn't call it a 'vacation', though, although that sounded... cosy.
Clarke just smiled at the forcefulness in Lexa's tone.
"I will show you everything you wish to see," the Commander continued. "Once we have peace."
Clarke finished up wrapping Lexa's hand so all that was left were her fingers. She let go of Lexa's hand and placed her own in her lap. "How does that feel?"
Lexa tilted her jaw, a little, and she raised her brow. "Fine," she replied, not really bothered about the dull pain that was swimming through her entire hand. It certainly hurt less than before.
Clarke didn't believe that at all. "Does it hurt?"
Lexa exhaled a breath. "A little."
Clarke threw her a glare. "Does that mean a lot?"
Lexa regarded her with weary eyes. "My hand is okay, Clarke."
Clarke held Lexa's gaze but her eyes softened, a bit. "Well don't do anything energetic with that hand," she instructed before she could think better of her wording. She looked away quickly and scratched at the side of her head. "You err," she felt herself going a bit red. "Definitely won't be able to make a fist." She closed her eyes and sighed, her insides closing in on themselves. She really hoped Lexa wouldn't pick up on that one. "So no fighting," she added, a lot too quickly.
Lexa's smirk though, was bigger than it had been in a very long time. The way Clarke was blushing was just way too adorable. "Do not worry, Clarke," she began, not being able to keep the amusement out of her tone. "I will not fight anyone, if that will make you happy."
Clarke picked up the bits and pieces from the bed and coughed as she stood, striding over to the table to return the cloth, salve and needle. "Good," she said after a moment, turning around to face the bed, rubbing her palms a couple times on the outsides of her thighs. "That would make me happy, yes."
Lexa just carried on smiling at her.
"You need to rest."
The seriousness suddenly returned to the Commander's face. "The threat is not gone, Clarke," and at that Clarke started walking back to the bed. "There is still much to be done."
Clarke nodded as she hovered a foot or so away from the bed. "I know," she sighed as she reclaimed her seat on the furs, the implication of Lexa's words returning to her full force. It only reminded her of the dangerous situation they were in. Of the dangerous situation she was generally in.
Lexa leaned forward a little, her back coming away from the headboard. She reached her hand out and covered Clarke's. "We will achieve peace, Clarke," she said slowly, her voice just above a whisper.
Clarke looked up and saw the decisiveness in Lexa's expression. The green in her eyes now dark and her pupils somewhat dilated. Clarke loved Lexa's eyes, they said so much without what seemed any effort at all and it was almost like she had laid herself bare. She was open in this moment and her words were more than confident and although Clarke was confident too, that she knew they would win because there was no other option that voice at the back of her head grated on her because, she didn't want to have to.
That part of her that just wanted to leave and hide away in the forest was sometimes difficult to fight.
Lexa saw it. She saw every emotion that crossed Clarke's face and Lexa knew, she only had herself to blame. She had turned Clarke into this, and it was up to her to bring her back.
Lexa squeezed Clarke's hand again and she had to work hard to keep her emotions in check. "I will always be sorry for what I did to you, Clarke," she began, a deep breath filling up her lungs as she felt something twinge heavily in her chest. She stuttered a little before any more words came out. "I will show to you that the ground can be better than what it's been, to you." She looked into Clarke's eyes, then. "You can be happy here."
Clarke didn't say anything; she just took in Lexa's words and let them attempt to repair the void she felt inside. She knew that it would take a lot more than this, but it was a very good start.
Lexa's eyes became glassy like whatever she was thinking was becoming too much. It made Clarke frown a little but she waited regardless, her heart starting to thud a little thicker.
Lexa remembered leaving Clarke at the Mountain. She remembered her face, her eyes, and the way Clarke asked her not to leave. It hurt her still, and Lexa didn't think it would ever stop hurting. She blinked once and her forehead all kinds of furrowed.
"I did not think," she pushed out, and it was almost like the words scraped at her throat. It would hurt me this much, she stopped herself from saying. It was the truth after all, but this wasn't about her pain. Even so, though, Lexa was used to making hard decisions. Terrible decisions and she always reconciled them. This one though, she could not. Never did she suspect walking away from Clarke like that would tear her open to this degree. But it had. "You have," she paused again, affected me... and then she pushed herself back against the headboard, quickly getting infuriated.
Clarke watched Lexa go to war with herself and it honestly made her chest hurt. Again she wanted to reach out to her, comfort her, but the concentration and determination on Lexa's face told her that whatever process the Commander was going through, was important. Instead she hooked whatever fingers she could around Lexa's, regardless of the fact Lexa's hand was on top of hers. She squeezed them as best she could.
Lexa took several moments just to breathe. "I am not used to feeling this way," she ended up saying, being a lot more honest than she intended to be. She swallowed, "I have tried not to..."
Clarke butted in, then. "You shouldn't have to deny your feelings, Lexa,"
she shook her head, a little, for emphasis, and then glared into Lexa's eyes.
"I am Heda," Lexa responded, as if that was the card that trumped everything, and Lexa looked at Clarke like she believed it.
"Does that mean you can't be happy?"
Lexa's attention fell to the furs, her face taking on an air of pain that wasn't even there after the fight. "I was happy once," she responded, and the words although quiet sounded agonising. "It was taken from me."
Clarke sighed then as she instantly understood. She could only imagine the things Lexa had lost, and the manner in which she had lost them. She was there for two of them after all; Anya and Gustus. Clarke looked down at Lexa's hand and pulled it into her lap, wrapping both of her own hands around it.
"History won't repeat itself," Clarke whispered softly. Although how she could guarantee that she had no idea but the utter fear she saw in Lexa's eyes at the very idea of such a thing, was enough to break her own heart in two. She had never seen the Commander scared and definitely never afraid but now she was both, and it was the prospect of falling for and losing Clarke that did it.
Lexa's fingers twitched within Clarke's palms.
"It doesn't," Clarke said firmly. "It won't," and then she let her tone become soft. "You should let yourself be happy, Lexa. You deserve that."
Clarke's eyes were shimmering now, completely full of the kind of emotion Lexa didn't think she would ever see from her. It touched her, made her want things. Made her want her and if Lexa thought she couldn't possibly fall for Clarke anymore, she was wrong.
The lump dragged along Lexa's throat. "As do you."
Clarke smiled just slightly as she looked down at the hands in her lap, her fingertips pressing lightly into Lexa's skin. She thought hard before she voiced her next question. "Was it part of the reason why you did it?" she asked, and Lexa furrowed her brow in confusion. Clarke felt her chest hitch and she wasn't convinced at all she should be saying these words but, she did so nonetheless. "You told me love was weakness. Did you shut us down before it got that far?"
Clarke swallowed as her vision became blurry and she had to blink to clear it. She couldn't tell what Lexa was thinking, but she felt it in her chest all the same. "Before it could?"
Lexa just stared at her. Her eyes as wide as they had ever been, her resolve as choked as it could be. She felt her heart beat faster and her blood rush beneath her skin. She had never felt so pulled apart and put together again under the gaze of a single person. And Lexa had conquered civilisations.
"You know the reason, Clarke," Lexa breathed, once she was able to grab some semblance of control. "I did not want to, 'shut down,' how I felt," she continued, copying Clarke's phrasing. "I still do not." Her tone became a little stronger, then, her gaze a little firmer. She knew Clarke didn't really think that of her, she was just voicing a buried concern and Lexa understood this, even though it did hurt, a bit. Regardless she wanted to put the concern to bed.
"You have taught me things," Lexa carried on, finding Clarke's gaze and holding it. "About love, about weakness. What I feel for you, it is not weakness, Clarke."
Clarke was riding on Lexa's confidence, now, and she took all she could from it. "What is it?" she asked, tentatively.
"Strength. You are strength, Clarke."
Clarke crumbled a bit, then. Under the weight of Lexa's confessions. "Am I?" she asked, not sure at all what she was. If she was anything at all.
Lexa shuffled closer, her thigh bumping into Clarke's leg as her good hand found its way to Clarke's neck and she cupped her hand around it, her thumb ghosting across her jaw line. "Yes. You are everything."
Clarke couldn't help the way her eyes fell closed as she leaned ever so slightly into the warmth of Lexa's touch. Her hand was warm and her words were comforting and whatever this moment was, Clarke didn't want to leave it. She wanted to curl inside it and stay for as long as Lexa would allow her to.
Clarke swallowed and when she opened her eyes she saw Lexa gazing at her with as much affection as when she kneeled before her. Like just before she kissed her and Clarke felt drawn. She leaned in and rested her hands on Lexa's thighs, her eyes falling closed once more.
Lexa only had a moment to moisten her lips before Clarke closed the space between them. It took her by surprise and a small gasp left her lips before Clarke's were pressing against them, gently and fleetingly to begin with before they both registered what was happening.
Clarke kissed her again, not moving away or pulling back and Lexa responded in kind. It took a moment though but she responded wholeheartedly, sighing deeply as Clarke's throat released a low, reverberating moan.
Lexa felt the fluttering of her insides take over. The moan making a jolt of something rocket up her spine and erupt at the base of her neck. Her chest seemed to do nothing but shake as her gut struggled to contain the warmth that was beginning to seep through her and when Clarke brushed her tongue against Lexa's lower lip, well, she thought she might lose it altogether.
Clarke twisted her body closer to Lexa, the heat coming from her overwhelming Clarke's senses. Her hands held more firmly onto Lexa's thighs and she exhaled fully into the kiss. She felt her chest start to light up, the void suddenly not so deep, not so hollow and she basked in the comfort she found in Lexa's lips. It was funny, really, the thing that broke her seemingly to be the thing that would fix her but Clarke didn't protest. All she did instead was slide her hands up to Lexa's hips and hold on even tighter; as Lexa's other hand wrapped around her and pulled her close.
Lexa granted Clarke access and as Clarke pushed her tongue inside, another moan floating into the space around them Clarke felt her body judder with a sensation she had never experienced before.
It was peace, and Clarke knew she would never get enough.
Translations.
gada-de yu gaf jok in?
The girl you want to fuck?