i.
It wasn't exactly hard to fall into an easy friendship with Lexa, much less something more, but the girl hadn't made it easy at all.
They'd been placed together in Math class and while everyone else had groaned and complained Clarke had simply gathered her things and moved to her newly assigned seat. It had never been hard for the girl to socialise, to move from group to group and make new and exciting friends. Her parents called her a butterfly, acted like she was fluttering around, and they teased her generously about never needing to learn the names of her new friends simply because there were too many and that by the time they'd learnt anything about Raven, Miller and Monroe and Jasper had come along and, God, Jake was going grey just trying to keep up. But Clarke figured it was easier to just be kind. To accept people for who they were, for their quirks, abilities, personalities and those who were assholes? Why waste her time? School was only so long and then there would be college and attempts at being an adult and, like, taxes and stuff.
Clarke liked knowing people, she liked having friends and fuck it. Why shouldn't she? She was young.
Lexa had been a hard nut to crack at first. She'd been all quiet scowling and hasty replies that didn't consist of more than four words and, for a short while at least, Clarke had all but given up on the grumpy brunette. She was all for making new friends but sometimes they had to, you know, give it back too.
"Clarke, perhaps the reason you find this subject so difficult is because you spend the majority of your time with your forehead on the desk."
Lifting her head from the table, and expertly ignoring the way her worksheet fluttered back down onto the wood from her hairline, Clarke opened her mouth with the utmost intention of letting Lexa know she was perfectly fine in this class, thank you very much. But her eyes betrayed her and seemed to focus solely on the way Lexa was smiling at her, teasing her, joking with her like they were friends and all words suddenly became a distant memory.
Oh.
Raven had looked at her like she'd grown four other heads when she'd first suggested it but, with a firm stance and the kind of pleading in her eyes that only her best friend could see, she'd managed to convince her to invite Lexa to her sixteenth birthday party. The hesitant acceptance had been met with a noise that sounded suspiciously like a squeal and Raven watched as Clarke wriggled happily in her seat next to her, turning her attention back to her work and failing completely to hide her smile.
It took Raven a full minute before she actually gave in. "Are you ever going to tell me who this Lexa girl actually is or am I going to have to guess when she walks through my door?"
Clarke's eyes flashed with something that Raven couldn't quite put her finger on and she tilted her head at her friend, her eyebrows moving high up to her hairline as she waited patiently for the girl to crumble and admit who this person was. For the past few weeks it had been all about Lexa from the blonde; "Lexa is so smart, seriously," and "I don't know but I'll ask Lexa, she'll know." It was becoming boring but Raven had been willing to let it go, to endure it, because the crushes that Clarke got only ever seemed to last for a few weeks at the most and if she could live through her Finn Collins is so beautiful phase, she could get through this.
"She's just…" Clarke started before pausing suddenly, like she'd only just been hit with the knowledge that this girl wasn't actually anything to her. "Someone."
"Yeah, someone you're forcing me to invite to the biggest night of my life thus far," Raven shot back, already finished with her physics work and her entire attention on the girl next to her. She clicked her tongue at the answers Clarke had given and vowed to herself to help her friend out a little more during their study nights rather than letting the girl convince her to watch entire seasons of shows they'd end up hating. "She's important to you."
It wasn't a question and Clarke nodded her assent. "Yes."
"Why?"
"She smiles and I feel like…I feel elevated. Special."
Raved paused because, God, this definitely wasn't going to be a one week crush kind of deal.
"She's so pretty."
"Go and tell her that then"
"I can't just tell her. Don't be ridiculous."
Senior year and Clarke was exhausted.
She was exhausted with deadlines and college admissions and all the questions thrown at her about the future and about who she wanted to be and where she saw herself in the future.
She was exhausted with flirting with Lexa and having the girl think she was just being really friendly. She was exhausted dropping hints that she liked her, that she was into girls, that she wanted more than this friendship thing they had going on that wasn't quite best friends but way more than just acquaintances.
She was just tired and it was beginning to show.
"You look like you need this a lot more than I do," a voice chuckled gently and Clarke lifted her head from where it had been buried in her folded arms, smiling gratefully as a Styrofoam cup in front of her filled all of her senses with the thought of coffee. "I promise it's not mine. I made sure they made it how you like it. One espresso in a cup full of syrup, right?"
Lexa sat next to her and Clarke felt her body relax.
"Thanks," Clarke said quietly, letting her fingers curl around the warm mug in front of her. Silence enveloped them and Clarke enjoyed it for once. Usually she was the girl who had to keep the noise going, who had some anecdote or some plan or something that had people looking to her with an expression of "so what should we do now?" Lexa wasn't like that. Lexa let her set her own pace, she let her be quiet if she wanted to be quiet and she supported her when she wanted to debate something in class. Lexa made it easy for Clarke to just be.
"So. College," Lexa started, her fingers tapping at the cardboard that surrounded her cup and Clarke heard her take a deep breath. She looked up in time to see green eyes flash away from her profile quickly and Clarke had to wonder just how long the girl had been staring at her; she wondered why Lexa might have seen to catch her attention. "Are you excited?"
The groan Clarke let out made Lexa laugh and Clarke kind of hated it because, fuck, who craved a singular noise? "Don't," Clarke whispered, burying her head back into her arms once more and shivering the moment she felt Lexa's comforting palm sweeping down the length of her bicep. "We heard back from Wisconsin. Mom thinks we should look at it some more."
"You're still looking to go into teaching?"
"Yeah," Clarke smiled at the girl even remembering that. "Are you still going to go and learn about numbers at Princeton or whatever?"
"Economics, and yes," Lexa replied, sipping at her cooled coffee and Clarke closed her eyes. Of course Lexa would go to some elite school, of course she'd excel and grow and be everything she ever could be. Lexa was so smart in every area of her life and yet she couldn't even see Clarke. She couldn't see past this friendship thing they had and now they were going to college and living miles apart and this stupid high school library would probably be the last real time they spent together. "Although I hear Wisconsin have a fairly reputable economics course."
Wait.
ii
Her roommate was everything Clarke could ever want in someone and she really was glad for it because the disappointment she had felt when Lexa had told her they wouldn't be sharing had burnt her throat for weeks. She knew logically it wasn't Lexa's choice, and that they'd been roomed separately through the college itself, but it would have been nice and Clarke wasn't entirely against the idea of sharing a space with the girl where they could both be vulnerable and time could slow for them.
But Octavia was amazing in so many new ways and she almost made up for the fact that Raven was over seventeen hours away and kicking ass at engineering in Massachusetts. She'd have been more bitter than she was but deep down she knew that Raven deserved this, she deserved to be top of her class. And while Clarke had very nearly been tempted by the Arts programme, mostly so that she could cling to her best friend like she had for years, she was happy with the direction they were both going in.
And besides, Octavia had mentioned something about her brother attending Harvard and they had every excuse to hit up the East Coast together.
"Clarke," caught her attention and the blonde looked up from where she'd been reclined on her bed, busy sifting through her iPod to find some music to put onto Octavia's pre-game playlist she'd insisted they make. She sat up with a smile towards their open dorm-room door and nudged Octavia with her knee, letting the girl wearing the headphones know they had company.
"Lexa, hey," she whispered in reply, swinging her feet from the bed and narrowly missing kicking Octavia who had taken to sitting on the floor against her mattress. She padded across the floor to her friend who was waiting politely in the doorway, almost like she was waiting for permission to enter, and she reached out to tug at her wrist. "This is Octavia. Octavia, Lexa."
Clarke didn't miss the way Octavia let her gaze wander over her friends body and she inched closed to Lexa subconsciously, leaning her entire left side into the girl. "Nice to meet you," Octavia finally said, a smirk moving over her lips in a way that had Clarke regretting letting them meet at all. "You two know each other?"
Clarke was quick to let Octavia know. "We're friends."
Lexa said. "We went to school together."
And her roommate pretended to not notice how swiftly Clarke's face fell.
It was during one of the many parties the girls attended that Lexa began to test Clarke's patience. She leaned in and with a whisper that felt more like a shout to Clarke pointed to Octavia far less subtly than Clarke assumed Lexa had intended. "Do you think she likes girls? Because she's mentioned something to me before about being 'hot' and I think she's very pretty."
"I don't know. Why don't you ask her instead of me? I'm sure she'd fucking love that."
Lexa turned to her with an expression of barely concealed hurt. Neither said anything and Clarke finished the beer in her cup before stalking off with every intention of finding someone willing. Preferably Wells who Clarke was fairly certain was halfway in love with her and easier to target than the real source of her pain.
There were only so many times you could let one person make your heart ache so painfully.
As it turned out Octavia valued Clarke's friendship far more than she wanted to bed Lexa and it didn't take long for Lexa to lose interest when it became clear that her flirtations weren't going anywhere.
Darkness settled in their room when Clarke finally found the courage to ask her friend, "Do you like Lexa? I mean, as in more than a friend," she paused again and bit her lip before asking the question that had worried her ever since dark eyes had outlined her friends body as she stood in her doorway. "Would you have said yes to her if we weren't roommates?"
"Clarke," Octavia whispered, her tone holding a don't start this now warning, and Clarke knew the answer without Octavia having to say anything at all really. "Go to sleep."
Oh.
Unsurprisingly it took a little longer for Lexa to really come out of her shell in college. Her first year she had spent finding herself, testing the friendship waters and letting little bits of her personality show. Clarke had been initially jealous when Lexa began laughing for other people instead of just her but that had quickly been replaced with pride when she saw how happy her private and shy friend was becoming.
However with her new found confidence came some kind of awakening for Lexa in her social life, in her dating life. And Clarke really, really, really should have expected the moment that Lexa knocked on her door with a wide smile and a nervous shift in her body. She'd barely sat down when Lexa finally snapped, letting Octavia know it was okay for her to stay, and she blurted it out so quickly that Clarke was sure she'd misheard her. But Lexa barreled forward with excited movements and a story about a date and Clarke knew it was real, she knew as soon as she saw Octavia flash her a painful look and felt her stomach disappear completely.
Lexa had met someone.
She met someone and her name was Costia and, God, Clarke she is so pretty.
Clarke avoided Octavia's gaze for the rest of the conversation and put all of her efforts into looking so, so, so happy for her friend.
Because what else could she do?
Costia was beautiful. Of course she was, Lexa never did anything by half measures and obviously her first girlfriend after coming out would be supermodel status.
Clarke wondered if Lexa made her feel as special as she made Clarke feel with just a smile.
iii.
Once college was over Octavia had the idea for all of them to go on holiday, despite the money, and nobody argued with her. The invitation was extended out East to Bellamy and Raven and swiftly accepted by both of them which only Octavia more momentum to push Clarke and Lexa to accept too.
"Come on. Once this is over we're going to lose ourselves to real life and I'm not willing to do that without having seen one, or both of you, in a bikini," Octavia grinned, earning such a deep blush from Lexa that the blonde had to wonder if that flame was still burning. That thought made something tug in her lower stomach and she ignored it easily, instead pretending to contemplate Octavia's suggestion.
Truth was she knew she was going to say yes from the very first moment simply because Lexa would agree and Clarke was pretty sure she was a masochist. She knew she'd end up wherever Lexa was going.
"Where are we going? We're all broke college students -" Lexa started but was promptly cut off by Octavia's hand and harsh shush that made both girls giggle.
"We're broke graduates and we deserve this," Octavia argued, picking up a fry from the basket that lay between the three of them and chewed on it noisily if only to annoy her two friends. Off of their skeptical looks Octavia relented, rolling her eyes as she gave a swift explanation of how everything would work out. "My mom owns a beach house in California. She always lets me and Bell use it because she feels guilty that she pretty much ignores us for most of the year. The only thing you'll have to pay for is alcohol when we're out there. Mom said she'd cover the rest of it, flights, transport, all the fun adult stuff that we shouldn't be dealing with."
Lexa sounded outraged at the amount of money that Octavia was talking about, "Seriously?"
"Hey, don't underestimate how much she neglected me as a kid. She only planned on having one but I came along anyway and ruined all of her goals and now she spends all of her time working and throwing money at us instead of love. She once forgot about me for an entire year, ask Bellamy."
The story hurt a little and for a moment Clarke felt a dark guilt that she'd taken the chance away from Octavia to really feel what it felt like to be loved, to be wanted, when she'd stopped her and Lexa from becoming a thing. Lexa loved harder than anyone she knew. The feeling passed when Lexa tapped the back of her hand, bringing Clarke's attention to her green eyes, and she repeated her words, "Clarke, tell Octavia we're in."
"Yeah."
"You should ask Costia too," Octavia said quietly, already cringing when she saw the way that Clarke stiffened in her peripherals and pulled her hand away from beneath Lexa's. Her voice was quieter when she continued, feeling bad. "She's welcome to come."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. They're together and Costia - She deserves to be there. She's Lexa's girlfriend, right? It's fine."
"Clarke. I'm really sorry."
"I know."
Clarke had thought there couldn't be anything worse than watching Lexa and Costia move around one another in domestic bliss. She had thought there couldn't be a worse pain than that of walking in on the two of them making out, Costia's hands trailing beneath Lexa's shirt and the two of them flushed and sweaty as Clarke stuttered out an apology. The beach house was only so big and they needed ice down on the beach and God, she was sorry for walking in without knocking but this was a communal space for all of them and she couldn't be blamed.
Also, Clarke really didn't peg Lexa for a top.
Either way she didn't think it could get worse and yet, Clarke grumped, fate was kind of a bitch.
"It really is beautiful here," Lexa breathed out and Clarke caught her gentle words before the roar of the ocean sucked them away. She nodded slowly and let herself, for one of the first times in a long time, relax around Lexa. She'd spent too long wanting her, needing to be close, and just missing her opportunities that she'd forgotten what it felt like to just be. To just be Clarke and Lexa.
Almost as if she could read her mind Clarke watched as the girl turned to her, honest words spilling out as she admitted, "I've missed you, Griffin."
"I've always been here." And God hadn't she?
"I know that, I know," Lexa nodded, almost to herself, before she frowned and began shaking her head like she'd just disagreed with something that Clarke hadn't been privy to hearing. "But since I've been with Costia it just seems like we've seen less and less of one another and I miss you. I mean, we are still friends right?"
To anyone else Lexa's words would seem teasing, like a joke or some sort of punchline to a private joke between them but Clarke knew Lexa better than she ever thought she would and she could hear the nervous undertone, the insecurity.
"Yes, we're still friends," she laughed.
And then Clarke learnt what it meant to have something worse than watching Costia and Lexa interact, she learnt what that pain in her stomach really felt like when she honest to God paid attention to it, and it all came from the way Lexa wrapped her arms around her on a balcony filled with fairy lights as they listened to the ocean. Usually her friend wasn't huge on physical affection so Clarke's surprise and hesitation to wrap her own arms around Lexa was warranted. In fact Clarke could count on one hand how many times they'd even hugged in their entire friendship and now she knew why. It felt like her entire body had been slammed into a wall and she froze before she let herself have this, her trembling hands lifting to hold Lexa closer because she knew this was all she'd get.
Sure she didn't do the pining thing like everyone else. She didn't write love letters or cry in her room to Sarah McLaughlin just because Lexa loved someone else. In fact she was truly happy that Lexa was in love, because what kind of shitty person would she be if she wanted the girl she was infatuated with to be miserable? She didn't follow her around like a lost puppy either and Clarke went out, she slept with pretty people and she kissed too many mouths to remember. She didn't make Lexa feel uncomfortable and sometimes, in her happier moments, she could pretend the whole thing didn't exist.
But in moments like this, when she could smell Lexa's perfume and feel the press of her breasts against her own, it hit her like lightening. Hard and fast and so unexpected that it physically shocked her.
She was so, so, so in love with Lexa and she'd missed her chance before she even knew she was allowed one.
Oh.
iv.
It's during work that she's informed of the new change. Everything had been going fine, swimmingly, and at twenty-five Clarke had decided that she couldn't keep wanting something she'd never get. She couldn't keep looking at someone like they were the stars and the moon and the sky when they could barely see Clarke at all. Raven had reminded her, uncharacteristically kindly during a Skype session, that Clarke had managed to breathe before Lexa and that she'd be perfectly fine after.
Clarke agreed.
She'd stopped hoping and started living instead.
There had been a few people between her finally dating Niylah but with the way she'd come into her life, and really given Clarke a chance to show someone how good she could be, had told her that nobody really would match up to the woman. Clarke had been instantly attracted to her and they'd fallen into an easy pattern of dating and sex and the weight she had relieved from Clarke's shoulders had been insurmountable. Niylah was funny where Lexa was stoic and she was serious where Lexa was clueless. She knew how to love Clarke, how to kiss her until her knees trembled and her lips ached.
And yet all of those good things, all of those little moments that Clarke savored and used to get over Lexa, seemed to crumble under an hour and she hated that was all that it took for her to fall right back to the beginning.
Raven: Have you heard from Octavia today?
Clarke: No. Why? Is everything okay?
Raven: She's fine but she's been talking to Lexa.
Raven: Figure you're going to say you haven't heard from her either?
Clarke: No.
Clarke: If you tell me they hooked up I think I'll scream.
Raven: Text Lexa.
Clarke: Raven told me to message you.
Clarke: Tell me everything is okay?
Lexa: Costia and I are no longer together.
Lexa: Everything is okay. Thank you for asking.
Lexa: I'm staying at Octavia's for a while. Just until Costia moves out.
She didn't realise she was staring at her dark phone until her students came charging into her classroom, their tiny feet stampeding across the floor like mini warriors and bringing her out of her daze. The youngest Aden, who was possibly her favourite, tugged at her arm bringing Clarke's attention completely to him.
He was innocent when he asked. "Miss Griffin, are you okay?"
"Yes, thank you Aden. Take your seat, okay? We're going to get back to our words today, I hope you're ready."
'Costia and I are no longer together.'
Oh.
"Please come with me, Clarke. You don't know what Anya is like. She's prepared and she has a room booked for two people," Clarke had never seen Lexa beg before, though she had thought about it more than once, and she sort of liked how her bottom lip grew fuller the longer she pouted. "I wouldn't ask if I didn't want you there and with Costia -"
"Hey, no, okay? I'll come with you," Clarke stopped her, both of her hands raising to quiet down the other woman. As much as she loved and wanted to support her Clarke wasn't sure she could hear just how much Costia had hurt Lexa without saying something dangerous. "But I do have one question."
Lexa sipped at her coffee and looked at her over her cup, her green eyes dancing with amusement despite the red rim that gave away her silent tears over another woman. "Okay, and what's that?"
"Are we sharing a room? Because if Anya thinks you're arriving with Costia then…"
Lexa's eyes widened and Clarke was pretty sure that if it was medically possible, and her mother wouldn't laugh at her for thinking it, her pounding heart would have cracked right through her ribs.
The wedding itself was lovely, Clarke was sure of it, but her attention had been completely taken by Lexa and honestly why was she so surprised? Lexa had walked out of the en-suite that they were sharing with her make-up and hair so perfect that Clarke had legitimately gone into the bathroom after her to ensure one of Anya's stylists hadn't been in there to help her.
She'd taken a moment to let her eyes move over her friend's body, using the fact she was checking for flaws before she was forced into pictures as an excuse, and she felt her breath catch in her throat. The navy blue of her dress confused the colour of Lexa's eyes and Clarke was lost in them for too many moments too long, trying to remember how green they truly were, before she came around.
"You look nice."
She felt Lexa's hand move over her own body, completing a full journey before resting on her hip as she admired Clarke's patterned wrap dress. She gave her one of her secret smiles, the ones that only Clarke ever managed to see when they were alone, and it almost broke the blonde. "As do you, Clarke."
In all of the years that she'd known Lexa she'd never actually met her family. Anya, the woman explained as they sat together at a large circular table, was her half-sister. Their father had remarried when Anya was six and as a result had given the girl a little sister three years later.
Clarke watched as Lexa explained her family dynamics, pointing out who people were, and felt a strange pang in her chest. Did Costia know these things? Did Lexa share these things with her? Because Clarke honestly couldn't think of a time either girl had sat down and spoken about their family and that realisation hurt, she felt shit that she hadn't taken that time to learn anything about Lexa.
Maybe that's why Costia had caught her attention so quickly.
"I'm an only child," she ventured once she'd caught up with her thoughts, blue eyes following Roan and Anya around the room as they greeted their guests. She smirked slightly at the harsh line in Anya's lips and she could see Lexa in her, as vastly differently to look at as they were.
"I suppose your parents managed to reach perfection on the first try then."
By the time Clarke managed to look up, Lexa was already standing to meet her sister in a soft embrace.
Oh.
Clarke didn't recognise the song they were dancing to but she was sure she wouldn't know it anyway, not with the way that Lexa was holding her and they way that they were swaying together. It was gentle, all soft strings and breathy lyrics and the wine must have been a lot stronger than she anticipated because she felt a pressure behind her eyes that she'd promised herself she'd never feel around Lexa again. Not after she had kissed Niylah for the first time.
God. Niylah.
And yet even that grounding thought didn't prompt to move Clarke away, if anything she pressed closer and let herself savor the moment a little longer. Lexa must have felt the change in Clarke's temperament because she shifted slightly, moving back to level worried eyes on her face and her face tightened so tenderly that Clarke was almost tempted to ask the bar staff what exactly was in that wine that was making her so damn emotional.
"Are you okay?"
Clarke sniffled but nodded that she was okay, a shaky smile pushing forward to relieve Lexa of her worries. "Yes."
But Lexa was smart. Smarter, in fact, than anyone she had ever met before. "Ask me," she said and Clarke forgot how to breathe.
"I…"
No, not like this.
"Why didn't you tell me first that you and Costia had broken up?"
Lexa pressed her lips together. Shook her head and Clarke knew it wasn't the question she was waiting for, she'd missed her chance again.
"Can we talk about something else?"
It was such a strange feeling to be dancing while your heart stuttered between breaking and pounding but Clarke nodded anyway. "We don't have to talk at all," she whispered, pressing close to Lexa once more and letting them both have their own private dance.
v.
They don't talk about the weird moment they shared at Anya's wedding and Clarke kind of likes that Lexa doesn't expect her to explain herself. She hadn't been sure what had come over her but she was convinced that if one dance, one moment, with Lexa could make her feel that way then she wasn't being fair to Niylah at all.
She broke up with her and for the first time in her life she knew what it felt like to hurt another person so deeply.
She wondered if Lexa ever felt like that at all.
"So," Lexa began from her place across from Clarke, her eyes flitting between Raven and Octavia as she assessed the situation and she took it upon herself to be the brave one. "Are either of you ever going to tell us what's going on?"
The tension at the table was thick enough that Clarke was sure people around them were requesting to be seated elsewhere because it felt like all the tables around them were bare and empty. Generally, in a restaurant this fancy, the atmosphere was calm and collected and quiet but Octavia had arrived, slamming her purse so hard on the table that she'd knocked the glass holding a candle over and caused Lexa to look forlornly at her expensive boots that had taken the brunt of Octavia's anger.
Their friend had tried to apologise but she'd clearly been distracted, upset, and Lexa had waved her off with a look of concern painting her face. How Lexa had managed to remain so calm when her favourite boots, the ones that Clarke was sure cost more than her monthly rent, had been ruined was beyond the girl but it made her heart flutter nonetheless.
"I don't know, Lex. Maybe you should ask Raven just exactly what is going on," Octavia seethed and Clarke tried not to make it about her own feelings when she noticed Lexa laying her hand on Octavia's in an attempt to placate her. She hated it more when the action seemed to work.
Clarke felt Raven stiffen next to her and she turned slightly, not quite wanting to put all of the attention on her best friend but completely aware that something had to give if they were all going to leave this restaurant alive. It was a miracle they'd all managed to end up in the same city considering their varying degrees and Clarke wasn't ready to give it up because of one lousy fight.
"I'm pregnant," Raven whispered as she looked up with her jaw tight and eyes blazing. She stared at Octavia defiantly like she was just daring the other girl to make a scene in a place like this. "It's Bellamy's."
Taking sides wasn't something that any of them wanted to do but Clarke had known Raven ever since she was learning her ABC's and Lexa had only really gotten to know the girl when they'd all gone on their vacation after college, her alliance clearly with Octavia because of the history that they shared.
Clarke didn't want to fall out with Lexa but she couldn't ignore the sting at not being chosen first.
"She has every right to be upset, Clarke. Bellamy is her brother and unless you've been hiding the truth from all of us too it wasn't like she was being honest about sleeping with him. It's a shock, alright? Octavia needs some time and I think she's allowed to ask for it."
Clarke fucking hated it when Lexa spoke to her like a child, like she didn't understand the world, and she clenched her teeth together in an attempt to not retaliate.
"Raven can fuck whoever she wants, Lexa. She doesn't have to answer to anyone and she certainly doesn't need to be made out to be a bad guy in this whole deal."
Lexa sighed and Clarke could picture her rubbing the bridge of her nose tightly, the way she did when Octavia or Raven would take great delight in telling the table about one of Clarke's hook-ups or any of the dances she performed on a table when Lexa wasn't around. "But can't you understand Octavia's view? She was in the dark this whole time and now suddenly she has a niece or nephew on the way. Suddenly Raven and Bellamy are connected for the rest of their lives when none of us even knew they spoke."
"Raven can have a life away from our friendship group," Clarke seethed quietly, angry that her best friend was being treated like her life hadn't changed too. It was Raven who was dealing with this, Raven and Bellamy, and Octavia was acting like some spoilt brat. "She messed up and I totally get that but she needs us. All of us."
"Just give her some time."
"She doesn't have time, Lexa! This is happening now whether Octavia likes it or not and if you could see past your goddamn crush on her for one fucking second then maybe you'd see that too."
By the time Lexa was ready to reply, Clarke had hung up.
February arrived and Raven had swollen generously with her baby weight. It had put a pressure on her weaker leg that nobody had really been expecting, though they should have considering her situation, and she was advised by a specialist to spend her final few months in a wheelchair so that it would relieve the excess weight. With the slippery ground thanks to the colder weather Clarke had insisted on helping her for her first few weeks, especially since Bellamy was working as many hours as he could to help her, and she pushed a grumpy Raven into the freezing breeze as they left the hospital.
"This baby is grounded until it's eighteen," Raven insisted as she gripped the arms of the wheelchair, attempting to get used to the feeling of not being in control and having someone else guide her path. "God, my abs. They're gone forever."
"Not forever," Clarke murmured, her eyes distracted by looking around for a cab as she maneuvered the weight of her friend and herself. "Just until mini-me shows his or her face and you can hit your exercise regime once more. Like, you and Bell can do those weird classes parents do with babies to lose weight."
Raven snickered softly, shaking her head. "I don't think they exist."
"Well you have months to set one up, don't you?"
Clarke was close to giving up looking for a taxi when a car idled in front of them, a familiar black saloon with tinted windows that practically screamed Lexa and she felt her her race desperately. They'd not spoken in over a month and Clarke wasn't sure she was ready for this, not after silence for so long. Clarke felt her stomach pull as the girl she seemed to spend her life trying to get over stepped out of the car, swiftly followed by their other friend.
"Raven, I'm so sorry," Octavia broke the silence and Clarke was sure there was more, she was sure Raven was saying something too, but she could do nothing except look at Lexa and learn how to breathe again. And when Lexa seemed to stutter and come back to life once Clarke mouthed a soft "I'm glad you're here" did she realise that maybe, just maybe, Lexa needed her too.
Oh.
"Stop," Lexa admonished but it did nothing to pull Clarke away from the window. Her nose was pressed tightly against it as she looked at the tiny baby in his little bassinet and she tried to wriggle closer, like doing it would achieve her goals of reaching into the room and picking up her tiny Godson. "Clarke, you're going to mark up the window with your nose and I'm fairly certain the nurse is going to kick us out if you keep looking like that."
"Don't care," she muttered, her eyes fixated on the little bundle that was half of her friend and she bit her lip when he shuffled quietly in his sleep. His tiny fist clenched close to his mouth, lips puckering as he searched for food, and Clarke couldn't stop staring. She didn't want to. "He's perfect."
She jumped slightly when she felt a hand ease around her hip, followed quickly by another on her other hip. Fingers curved over her waist as Lexa settled behind her and Clarke closed her eyes at the overwhelming feelings the embrace set off in her body. Lexa pressed closer, her chin on Clarke's shoulder as they looked at the tiny creation Raven and Bellamy had made together and the blonde shuddered as her hot breath moved over her exposed neck.
"Do you want them?" Lexa asked and Clarke almost punched herself in the face to see if this was a dream. Because she'd had this one before; with this exact girl wrapped around her, whispering about the future, their future, and all of their plans. Instead she pressed her forehead harder against the glass, the cold temperature letting her know that she wasn't dreaming and that this was all very real. "Children, I mean. Do you want them?"
"One day. When I find the right -" Clarke cut herself off because she had found the right person and what was stopping her now? Not kids of course, but letting the person know that she had found them and that she was ready and that, God, she'd waited long enough right? She'd waited. She'd watched all of her fucking chances pass her by and she'd let Lexa be happy with Costia and she'd been happy with Niylah and now it was their turn.
It had to be their turn.
God, please let it be their turn.
"Clarke," Lexa squeezed at her hips and brought her back into the moment and Clarke closed her eyes, begging herself to not cry. Not yet. "I know, okay? I know."
"Lexa…"
"Hey he's waking up. Look."
And one time...
The night had been nothing if not a success and Clarke stood proudly in her little kitchen. Her friends were in various states of sleep around her apartment and she let her lips form into a smug smile as she tugged her phone jerkily from her pocket and opened up the camera. She startled slightly as she caught a glimpse of her own face, the front facing camera had never been her best friend, and she quickly focused it on her friends to snap a picture she'd later upload to the internet. "Last man standing," she cheered herself, immensely proud that even at twenty-seven years old she could still out drink any of her friends and live to tell the tale.
"Not quite," interrupted her little celebration and Clarke turned to the noise with a scowl on her face Although she was happily aware that in her drunken state it mostly looked like a pout. "I'm still here and I've managed to shower."
"You showered. At a party," Clarke deadpanned, still irked that she wasn't the last one standing but oddly satisfied that Lexa was the only other one still awake at such an early hour and with alcohol in her system. Her birthday had been perfect, truly, but it was easily topped off with the appearance of a damp Lexa dressed in one of her oversized t-shirts and a pair of her own sweatpants she'd left at Clarke's apartment. "Pretty sure that's cheating."
Lexa chuckled to herself as she nodded, letting Clarke win that particular argument, and eased past her to grab a slice of the cold pizza that had been abandoned on the counter. Clarke smiled as she watched her, her drunken heavy body leaning against a cupboard and Lexa turned back to her friend with a fond look. "I had to shower. Octavia seemed to forget what a toilet was when she was being sick and managed to hit me instead. I promise it was a necessary evil."
Nodding thoughtfully Clarke decided to bite the bullet because fuck it, why not? It was her birthday. She could do what she wanted. And hadn't she waited long enough? "Hey Lex," she began, tugging at her t-shirt as they spoke to one another in low hums so that they wouldn't wake any of Clarke's-(not entirely)-unexpected house guests "You and Octavia..."
"What about us?"
"Were you ever..." Clarke looked at her guiltily, pleading for Lexa to finish the sentence but she knew she wouldn't be that kind. "Did you ever..? You know, were you more than just friends?"
Lexa took a calm bite from her pizza like Clarke hadn't just ripped out her own insecurities and placed them on the table for Lexa to poke and prod at, like she hadn't just exposed a piece of herself to the woman that was literally as real to her as the stars in the sky and the roots in the ground. With a soft smile, softer than anything Clarke had seen before, Lexa shook her head. "No. We were never anything more than friends," she told her confidently and Clarke believed her, she honestly did. "And if we were then it wouldn't have been fair to her. I'd have been using her in a way that would have been unjustifiably selfish and she means far more to me than just a device to get over someone."
"Costia," Clarke nodded.
Lexa sighed so deeply that it forced blue eyes to snap up and check she was okay. Instead of replying Lexa gave her such a sad smile that Clarke genuinely felt it in the pit of her stomach and she closed her eyes when her friend brushed by her again, trying and failing to ignore the fluttering in her stomach as the familiar feeling of missing that vital second passed over her. "Happy Birthday, Clarke."
When she finally felt brave enough to open her eyes again Lexa was feigning sleep on the couch.
Oh.
"You're an idiot."
"Shut up Reyes and give me your baby. At least he listens to me."
Their high school reunion shouldn't have been as exciting as it was but when they got their letters in the post Clarke knew Raven and Lexa would be just as willing to go as her. She wanted the chance to show the world that being a teacher was worthy, that she'd made it and now she was the one admonishing kids for falling asleep in class. Even if they were six.
"Everything looks so small," Clarke gushed, earning amused looks from her friends as they walked through the halls. The three hadn't really been close friends during school, Raven and Lexa only exclusively talking to Clarke and knowing one another through her, but it seemed right that they were all back here together after the life they'd built away from it. It was strange, yes, but Clarke was comfortable with the way her friendships had worked out and she was certain that none of them could really visualize themselves without each other in some way or another. They were all intertwined now and she loved it.
She paused when she felt Lexa's hand on her back, Raven shooting her a glance that spoke volumes and Clarke had to wonder if being a mother had taught Raven how to perfect looks that literally said everything she was feeling. Her mother had the same look.
Ew.
"Everything is the same size as it was when we were last here," Lexa smirked, turning her gaze to Clarke and refusing to move her hand from where it had settled at the small of her back. "We haven't exactly grown a lot. Maybe you're just used to the tiny chairs and tables you have in your classroom."
"Stop being logical and start reminiscing with me."
At that request Clarke watched a look pass over Lexa's face. A look that had Clarke's hands itching for her paints so that she could capture it, so that she could study it and understand what it meant before Lexa locked it away behind her walls, and she searched her eyes trying to find it once again. Lexa composed herself and shot her a smile instead. "Let's go to the place we first met."
If either of them noticed the moment Raven left them alone they didn't say anything.
"Do you remember that time I made you do my pop-quiz as well as your own," Clarke laughed, perching on the desk that had once belonged to her years ago. Lexa leaned against her own her eyes rolling perfectly at Clarke's comment. The blonde watched as her friends fingers dragged gently across the wood that held ghostly memories of childish notes passed between friends. She was sure if her dress allowed her to bend down enough and look for herself she'd see all of the markings she'd made with her pencil beneath the table, little doodles she'd drawn as she tried and failed to understand algebra or some other confusing sum that had been placed on the board.
"I remember thinking you were beautiful that day." Clarke coughed at Lexa's admission but the brunette continued to look down, continued to trace invisible patterns like she wasn't giving Clarke everything she'd ever dreamed of and she watched as Lexa sucked in a deep breath like she was preparing for something. "I remember agreeing to do your quiz because back then you were never afraid to ask me for anything. I remember thinking I'd do anything you asked."
Silently she watched as Lexa pushed herself off of her desk. Watched as she stood in front of Clarke.
"I thought that if you ever wanted anything you'd just ask for it because you knew I'd give it to you, I'd give you anything. You were my best friend in high school, my only friend really, and I think you knew that too," Lexa whispered, her hands reaching out to play with the collar of Clarke's blouse and her eyes clouded with memories that Clarke didn't quite remember sharing. Or maybe she did. Maybe those times she thought her chance had passed her by had been times that Lexa had been waiting patiently for her to do something too. "I thought in college I'd give you the chance to ask me but you didn't, you never asked me. Not even when I tried to show you that I liked girls and not when it was too late to stop me leaving with someone else."
She was talking about Costia, about how Clarke could have thrown out her feelings, explained her jealousy and she felt her heart pound again. She was telling Clarke she'd practically presented herself with opportunity after opportunity and she'd just let them sail by because...Why? Because she was scared? Because she just couldn't do it?
"Remember at the wedding when I told you to ask me? Do you remember what you said?" Clarke nodded at that, letting herself think about the look in Lexa's eyes. How she'd looked so disappointed and yet not completely surprised. She was desperate to see what Lexa looked like now and she held her breath before finally, finally, finally Lexa looked up and caught her eyes. Fuck, how was she supposed to breathe now? "Ask me, Clarke."
She didn't hesitate this time. "Do you feel it too?"
Lexa's answer came with a kiss that broke Clarke's world apart.
When they pulled away with bruised lips and messy hair, with loosened clothing and flushed cheeks, with Lexa's hand on her jaw and her own tangled in dark curls, Clarke could only think to say one thing.
"Oh."