Deviations
I.
Spock knew he was somehow different- even from the time he was very small, and noticed the difference in the speeds of his heartbeat versus that of his mother. He felt most deeply bonded to her, because it was her steady presence that sustained him during the first few days and weeks of post-partum life while his body and mind tried to assimilate, adapt to and process the world around him. None of his hybrid peers had survived beyond three weeks of age. But none of them had Human mothers who refused to put their newborn down or sever touch with them.
Amanda did not. The Vulcan doctors and scientists, still stunned from their total lack of success- permitted this. Her persistence saved her son's life, and set the stage for the man he was to become.
II.
Sarek nearly always wore a large signet ring in his right hand, a ring that when he spoke to his young son, he frequently rubbed with his other fingers. Perpetually observant, Spock finally asked him about the habit.
"Why do you favor this ring over all your others?" he asked Sarek. The elder Vulcan looked thoughtful, stroked the large stone again, and replied, "Because this became you."
That was when Spock learned that he had not been conceived as much as he had been created- engineered down to the molecule. The ring held the final version of his genetic code, micro-etched into the diamond face of the large stone.
"You are the culmination of one of the greatest scientific efforts of our family and our people," he told Spock. "Your unfolding is a wonder. Your presence is a treasure."
Spock had never heard such words from his father. He became fascinated with codes of all sorts- from language to computers, as well as his own. That also set the stage for the man he was to become.
III.
Spock started learning the Dance almost as soon as he could walk- a traditional Vulcan way of movement that was part yoga, part ritual, and part mystery. It was an exercise meant to be placed into the deepest muscle memories of Vulcan's inhabitants, its varied parts meant to help smooth the sometimes difficult interactions that a people of fiery history still had- in spite of their embrace of logic. Its deep embedding into the muscles and bones of its practitioners gave them their unique gracile bearing and almost gliding gait.
Spock picked up the moves with a lissome grace that even surprised his teachers, and his grace grew as he did. It also became part of who he was.
IV.
At around age 16, Spock's body began changing. His mother noticed it first- the odors in his clothing and bedding took on a distinctive character. He plowed through food, shot up half a foot in height in one season, and began becoming moody and distant. He also took to wearing long sleeves in even the hottest weather, which alarmed Amanda.
She caught him regarding his forearm in an unguarded moment in the greenhouse. "Spock, what is wrong?" she asked him.
He whirled to face her, tucking his arm behind his back. "It is none of your concern, Mother," he said, trying to dodge her attention.
"It is my concern when your Dance teacher calls to tell me that you have missed nearly a month of lessons. And when your wardrobe becomes like that of a monk, and when you refuse to bathe and even Mimi and I'Chaya won't sleep with you." The Siamese in question sinuously wound her way between the sehlat and Amanda's ankles as she spoke.
Spock regarded the stone floor. "They mock me, Mother."
"Mock you? In what way? You are among academic peers, Spock- that should have stopped years ago."
He looked up at her. "No, Mother. It has gotten worse. They call me a hairy animal. They stare at me and say these things- and-" his voice cracked, "it's true! I no longer look like them." He pulled back his sleeve and said, "Look!"
He bared an arm that was a relatively normal looking male arm- for a young Human. The hair was thickening along the margin of the arm to the wrist and along the side of his hand. He then shrugged out of the heavy jacket he was wearing, revealing his bare, and slowly furring chest. "Look!" His voice was choked. "Father does not look like this, and neither do you! I am becoming a freak!"
Amanda wanted to sweep her son into her arms, but repressed the urge. He was beyond that stage of comfort. Instead, she said, "Spock, you are the product of two different genetic lines, and even they did not know how your body would react to puberty and manhood. It would appear that it is taking the Human track- at least in part. Human men have hair in exactly those same patterns. My family's boys all have hair just like that. You will probably get a beard, too."
Spock rubbed his still-smooth chin. "Vulcan males get beards..."
"You will just get yours a few decades earlier." she said. Her son pondered this a moment, and nodded. "I am a unique being," he said, mostly to himself.
V.
Of course, he had to more deeply examine this whole 'other' side of himself. His parents allowed him free use of the libraries of both Earth and Vulcan- no restrictions. So it did not take him long for his studies of puberty, human males, and physical development to lead him into more interesting places. He studied his own development closely, noting changes in his beard and his hair and his phallus in his private journal. His entries were more like lab-notes than anything, but he almost felt obligated to write it down. He also delved into the study of Human sexuality, almost to the exclusion of all else. Humans were as detailed, over the top and incredibly obsessed with sex as Vulcans were silent about it. He spent hours watching various pornographic and erotic things in his room, clinically noting his reactions to various things. He seemed to react to male and female erotica nearly equally, but none of it starring "Vulcans", or humans made up as Vulcans- or actual Vulcans- appealed to him. His mind and body reacted most powerfully to the images of Human females- especially ones which had the most pronounced curves.
VI.
It was around the end of his 17th year that Spock, along with his peers, was taught the inner purpose of the Dance, and its ultimate moves. Until that point, the Dance was a series of exercises, performed either alone, or simultaneously with a group of minimally clothed or nude same-sex peers. There was no interaction or touching- they stretched on stretching frames, stepped over stylized obstacles or each other, and practiced the fluid floor moves individually. They were clothed now in traditional breechclouts; no longer needing the minute scrutiny and postural adjustments of their Teachers.
At this stage in their schooling, they were partnered up with female peers- who had also been learning the Dance- their part of it. They changed partners frequently at first, and Spock became accustomed to having Vulcan females in his arms as they went through the stylized moves. Some looked at his hairy arms with curiosity, others with barely disguised disgust. And some had no reaction at all- their control being extremely strong. T'Pring was one of the latter.
She was to be his mate, bonded to him years earlier, but in the interim, he had not seen much of her. This was normal- but her reaction to him was not. While polite, she was closed off from him- not meeting his eyes or touching him at all unless the move called for it, and then breaking quickly when it did not. She didn't even wrinkle her delicate nose in distain at his more powerful scent. Time passed, and he became adept at this stage of the Dance, too.
VII
Their teacher was lecturing as they went through the moves.
"It is time that you understood the purpose of this exercise, " he said. "This is part of who we are- passed down to us from the time of the beginning. It is meant to moderate the fires of the time of mating, to assure the survival of the couple, to give them something they can do without thinking that will assist in the successful completion of the hazardous Plak Tow. Your ancestors did this, as did your grandparents, your parents, and all your people."
His gaze went to Spock, who stood there, listening intently with his group. The Teacher's eyes narrowed in that manner that said, 'except you'. Spock stoically ignored the implied insult.
"You will now take a partner from your female peers, and apply this understanding to the Dance." A group of young Vulcan women fanned out into the room, each selecting a partner. Among them was a lone Human female- a member of the Ambassador's family from Earth. She had been permitted to immerse herself into Vulcan culture, including learning the Dance. They went through the exercise several times, each time, switching partners, mindful of the change in intent. Spock danced with a series of elegantly flawless young Vulcan women, among them, his own bond-mate, T'Pring. Even with this new knowledge of the true purpose of the dance, she showed no emotion as they went from their feet to the floor and back again. His control was equally tight.
Then at about the fifth or sixth repetition, Spock found himself looking into exotic blue eyes, framed by gold hair- the Terran Ambassador's daughter. She did not smile at him, but her face was friendly and open.
"Opening position!" barked the teacher. Spock placed himself in the pose that signaled the start of the Dance, and his partner's pose fitted perfectly within it.
The teacher began rattling the rhythm sticks and chanted them into the starting count. Spock and his partner flowed into the opening moves. She was quite competent, for one who had not grown up with the exercise. They circled each other as the teacher counted the bars, and Spock suddenly realized what the teacher meant as he went into the floor moves of the dance. Instead of the floor or a stoic Vulcan being beneath him, he had a beautiful Human female, all appealing curves and colors and scents, meeting his moves with those of her own. At that moment, his mind chose to play back the hours of erotica he'd spent reading and watching. Her leg curling around his waist ignited something within him. The floor ripple with her beneath him suddenly became a battle for control, as Spock's body responded to this unexpected cue. His mind fed him a series of images from his erotic studies, and he fought to clear them from his mind- in vain. Her flushed face, her hair, her open mouth, her breath on his neck... He became highly aroused, and fumbled a move. Suddenly off-balance, she caught his hand in hers, which aroused him even more. She reacted to his flush with a flush of her own- which fed back through their still clasped hands. His body responded in the way that young Human males would be quite familiar with- and Spock abruptly broke the contact, and fled the room before his body could betray him any further.
VIII.
He tried to return, but could not. Not because of any ostracism on the part of his peers, but because the mere act of assuming the opening position of the Dance sent his body into a state of arousal that even the loosest clothing could not disguise. Worse, it did not matter who his partner was- even males elicited the response. The image of the Human female, and those of the ones he had viewed in his erotic sojourns online- had burned itself into his mind, presumably indelibly. Meditation did not cool or quench the surges or the images. He found himself spending hours running up and down the sharp hills near his home, pounding his unruly body and mind into exhaustion. This only served to pound his newly discovered and rather unruly difference into his marrow.
Even so, he had to explain to his astonished parents why he had quit the class so abruptly and did not attend the finishing recital. Sarek, serene and stoic as ever, refused to believe it. His mother, on the other hand, wore an expression that he had rarely seen- that went along with the empathetic vibe she exuded. It caressed his heightened senses, and lent him some small measure of comfort. Did she know? She might not be a true telepath, but she had demonstrated a keen understanding of her only son that was almost telepathic in its depth.
Sarek stroked his signet ring as he observed his now gangly, and somewhat haggard son.
"Why did you refuse to attend your classes, my son? You were doing quite well in them. Your instructor tells me that you have refused to appear in the final recital."
Spock studied his feet. An olive flush crept up his cheeks as he met his father's level gaze and his mother's curious one.
"Father, Mother..." He fought to find the right words. "In these past few weeks and months, I have come to realize that I have deviated from the Vulcan norm in...sexual matters. My body is not responding like that of a full Vulcan, I have difficulty controlling my mind, and I find myself " -his blush deepened- "physically aroused in certain situations." Spock began a minute study of his entwined fingers. "This is not the Vulcan norm. "
Sarek serenely sipped his tea. "Spock, your phenotype was modeled on the Vulcan template. There is no logical reason for you to deviate from it. Perhaps there was an error in the coding." It was an old family joke, but this time, it fell flat. Spock gave him a pained look.
"Sarek, he is not a computer program! He is a living being!" Amanda scolded.
"I do not believe there was any error, Father. I am 'a unique being', as you have frequently told me," Spock added. "I am who- and what- I am. My 'deviation', or as Humans call it, my 'queerness' is not a fault, and there is no blame. It is simply a trait. My trait. I cannot protest against my nature. "
His parents sat in silence for a long moment- perhaps communing telepathically, judging by the changes that crossed his mother's face. Spock sat quietly, waiting for them to continue. A hint of sorrow flickered across their faces as they regarded their son.
"This bodes ill for your future, my son," said Sarek. "T'Pring is Vulcan, and your bondmate. Have you considered her perception of this event?"
"As my first Time is still years away, it is not something I have deeply considered," lied Spock (who had actually thoroughly studied this). "But I have considered the possibility that my 'deviation' may also include being spared the biological event of Pon Farr."
His father looked shocked, but his mother looked thoughtful. "This queerness of yours might make your future here on Vulcan more difficult, Spock," she said. "Have you considered that possibility?"
Spock regarded his interlaced fingers for a moment, then looked up at his parents, their faces a mixture of concern and dawning revelation about their child. "I have. But I have chosen to honor the Vulcan Way, and walk the path of a native son. I shall endeavor to honor that commitment. "
The words felt hollow even as he said them- and by the look on his father's face, Spock knew that he had crossed to a place where Sarek, or his Vulcan people- could not follow. He searched for words of assurance, and found them in his father's own teachings.
"Father, you have often told me that my unfoldment was a wonder for you, and that I was the embodiment of IDIC. So it is logical that my perceived 'queerness' be part of that infinite diversity. You and Mother have given me a solid start, but there is a point where I must honor my own being. I will honor your teachings, but it will soon be time for me to make my own way in the world."
"The Vulcan Science Academy will be your next step into that world," Sarek said, his tones cool. "Perhaps there, you will choose to continue the work of our greatest scientists. Have you submitted your application?"
"I will transmit it this evening," Spock said. He did not say that he had already submitted his application to Starfleet, after seeing a documentary about their scientific endeavors. Chances were that he would be accepted into the Science Academy, but he wanted a hedge- just in case. Even Vulcans gossiped, and he was sure that rumors of his 'deviation' had found its way even to that lofty place.
Weeks later, his hunch was proven right, and he found himself pitched into a world both alien and familiar. On Earth, he was regarded as a full Vulcan, and treated thusly by Humans who relished diversity in a way that Vulcans could only dream about- if they dreamed at all. His queerness, a source of ostracism and alienation on his homeworld, was not even a factor in his new one.
For the first time in his life, Spock felt somewhat at peace with himself.