Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Fullmetal Alchemist although... um. Anyway, onward to this story. And if you happen to encounter certain sexual themes in this story...enjoy!

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"Maes, goddammit, put your clothes on!" yelled Roy with a twitch.

"Well, all Ed has to fuckin' do is clap and wham! So I figured if I clapped and put it to my manhood, it would—" But Roy intervened. (thank god)

"No, and put your damn clothes on!" (Secretly enjoying this very much.)

Then at that moment Hawkeye walked in, looking down at some papers and said "Look at these reports, Roy, I can't..." She looked up. After she had already shut the door. With this lovely image to Maes Hughes naked in Roy's office holding his manhood. Roy turned away, extremely upset but strangely happy, with the word 'orgy' floating through his head...

"I was, umm, hello Hawkeye, lovely day isn't it?" said Maes, blushing and reaching for his clothes.

Hawkeye blinked at him. "Um. Actually, sir, there's a hurricane outside."

"Right. I knew that," Hughes mumbled.

"The louder the storm, the less people will hear! Roy whispered gleefully, rubbing his hands together and burning all the paper on his desk. When he looked up, the other two were staring at him. "Uh...I mean...I LOVE STORMS!"

"Right, of course, well since no one can hear us, then Hawkeye's screaming at the sight of this should be fine," mumbled Hughes gleefully. Nobody heard him.

"ROY! Come here and draw a transmute thingy on my dingy!" hollered Maes loudly.

"Umm, Roy, this isn't—what if—OH MY GOD!" yelled Hawkeye.

Maes had gleefully pranced over to Roy and shoved his 'dingy' in his face. "You know, alchemy, it's my wife, all she does is complain about it. referring to his dingy. Please help me, Roy," yelled Hughes in a whiny voice while Hawkeye stared at the two. She thought, ...the hell? they must be close friends. I should do something to stop this. I forgot about telling Roy the Elric brothers are here, goddammit.

Before she could say anything, Roy grabbed Maes' so-called 'dingy' and a random scalpel that happened to be sitting there on his desk...for some reason. Riiight. "Vasectomy, vasectomy, CLIP, CLIP, CLIP!" he shouted, just as Ed walked into the room.

Maes, unable to move for the maniac alchemist clutching his 'dingy', started to giggle a little too much like Barry the Chopper. "You know, I would say that this isn't what it looks like, but I try not to lie to small children."

"Who are you calling small?" Ed yelled.

Hughes grinned demonically. "Prove me wrong."

Moments later, Maes was sitting in the corner in a puddle (of tears, you pervert, what else would it be?), having just found that a 5'2" 15-year-old was more...well-endowed...than himself.

"It's because you can clap and transmute, dammit!" yelled Maes, crying in horror and slightly enjoying all this (of course way in the back of his mind)

Hawkeye was definitely impressed too.

"Hell no, when you got swingin' 'dingys', as you crudely put it. This is a gift I believe I may have inherited. Isn't that right, Roy?" Ed asked. (Roy with a shocked but pleasant face on) "Oh yeah you are a one of a kind, Roy. This time I found something out you smartass," yelled Ed, jumping up and down (other things wiggle—I mean, move too...)

Clap. Clap. "Very good. You're right, I did see your father's. It was in the changing and shower room you moron! And what the hell?—Hawkeye, stop watching Ed and drooling all over my fuckin' floor! I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO STARE AT!" Roy shouted, undressing as quickly as Armstrong. "THERE! Look at it! LOOK AT IT!" he screamed, jumping on the top of his desk and doing his 'tiny miniskirts!' pose.

Suddenly, Havoc jumped out from under the desk and started rubbing his face on Mustang's leg again. "You're a goddamn MIRACLE, Mustang! I'll follow you for the rest of my life!"

"YES!" Roy agreed, though nobody could figure out whether he was talking about what Havoc had said or what Havod was doing…

"Wow," said Hughes. "It didn't seem that big when we last..." Everyone turned and looked at Maes, Roy glaring at him.

The colonel shrugged. "Ah, what the fuck do I care I got a giant, huge..."

Then all of a sudden Hawkeye ripped off her shirt and grabbed Roy's thigh. "You hunk of a man—move your ass, Havoc, by order of me!" Havoc went back under Roy's desk... "I've always wanted you Roy, take me!"

"NOO! MINE!" Maes screamed, grabbing Roy and going into a cabinet. The others sat around in shocked silence, listening...

"Hahaha, YOU'RE MINE NOW!"

"Ow! Shit, I can't see a damn thing! It's too dar—HOLYFUCKINGSHIT, I don't think that goes there..."

There was a long pause.

"...but I like it."

Before they could listen to any more, Al ran into the room and, somehow managing to drool even with the armor, ran off with Hawkeye. The door slammed shut again, so Ed and Havoc sat outside the cabinet to listen.

"Oh God you're right it does feel good!"

"But oh fuck it's too damn good!" yelled Roy.

Ed hunched over and started poking at his manhood. "It's always the Flame. My whippy sized penis can't do shit, only 9 inches, my ass Roy's at least..."

"HOLY SHIT, Roy, wow, you can make it do tricks too," whined Maes in his girly voice getting deeper now, "What ELSE can you do with it, Roy?"

Suddenly, another hand reached over to poke Ed's manhood. "Want some help with that?" Havoc asked innocently.

Inside the cabinet, Roy and Maes stopped to listen...

"Do you want fries with that?"

"YES!"

"Do you want to super-size that?"

"OH YES!"

"Hey, are they ordering food or having sex?" Maes asked. Considering the way Ed ate, it was a reasonable question.

"The two aren't as different as you might think."

"What the fuck? That doesn't make any—OH YEAH ROY, JUST A LITTLE TO THE LEFT! OH YES! DO IT AGAIN!"

Roy stared at him. "What are you talking about? I didn't do anything."

Maes blushed. "Um. Well, I just...never mind—NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!"

"WHOA, SUPER SPICY ENCHILADAS, WHAOO AHH UGHH UGH YUP THIS IS REALLY HITTING THE SPOT!" yelled Ed.

"Yes spicy—enchiladas, here's some more!"

"They make it seem so fuckin' tasty," yelled Roy.

"AHH YES TASTY GIVE ME MY TREAT ROY!"

"You fuck face smart asses," said Ed and kicked the cabinet. Roy and Maes fell out and just as Ed was about to scream Roy's HUMONGOUS manhood was throttled into his mouth.

Ed would have tried talking but first he needed to breath, he was going to have to inhale. "..."

Roy shuddered and quivered. "ED, ED, ED!"

Instead of interfering, Hughes got out his camera. He could see it now: "Here's a picture of me and Gracia, and one of Elysia, and oh, here's one of Fullmetal giving the colonel a blow job..."

FLASH! "Wow, what a great photo..."

Ed thought: what the hell is going on, he couldn't exhale, something large was in his mouth...oh yeah. He tried to pull away but Roy yelled "You have this as an order, Fullmetal!"

"My supersized fries!" yelled Havoc, quietly crying.

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Roy woke up to find he had drooled on his desk and Maes was grinning at him. "Have interesting dreams, or are you just happy to be awake?"

Hughes wasn't expecting Roy's reply:

"What does eating have to do with sex?"

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THE END!