Wizards Match(dot)com
Chapter 1
Setting up Profiles
Harry Potter Hits Wizards match(dot)com!
Well I've intended this to be a humour kind of fic, so lets hope it turns out this way! :D
This little plot bunny has been bugging away at me for ages now so I'd thought I'd have my chance with and write this down and see how it goes.
A/N: Harry and Hermione don't know each other, and there never was a "boy-who-lived". Basically is AU.
Disclaimer: Don't own HP wish i did, would be rich and wouldnt have to work!
Click To Create a Wizards Match(dot)com Profile [Find Me Somebody To Love]
"Do I really have too?"
Hermione still couldn't believe Luna and Ginny had actually talked her into this 'Wizard ' bullocks. She didn't need bloody 'Somebody to love' anyway, not to mention the song was totally cheesy and added to the full embarrassment factor of the full thing!
"Yes Hermione you do. The faster you find some guy, the faster I get ride of you sitting in every Friday and Saturday reading books and watching old people tv. You really need to get laid."
"Ginny! I'm 22 and just because I haven't 'did it' doesn't make me different from anyone else, well other than you who's been around more times than anyone can count. I certainly do not need to 'get laid' thank you."
To an outsider, anyone would think Ginny and Hermione hated each other, it was the opposite really. They were best friends, this was just how they talked to each other usually. As Ronald said, it was "pure banter", he really was a born want-a-be wizard gangster. It was never going to happen.
"Just weesht and get on with creating that profile. There are some hunks on that If I do say so. I found Mr. Number 17 on there. Now he was lovely. Pity he wasn't great where it counted. Oh well. I'll be back at 7 tonight and I'll want to see that profile."
With that Ginny left, leaving Hermione in front of her laptop about to hit "create". As Ron said "at times when your life has hit a rock bottom it calls for a FML moment." Yes Hermione was definitely in a FML moment. A huge one.
Click To Create a Wizards Match(dot)com Profile [Find Me Somebody To Love]
"Mate I LOVE that song!"
Harry leaned closer to the screen to understand what his best mate was talking about when he noticed the 'Somebody to love' cheesiness.
"How anyone thought you were 'Hardcore' as I so correctly remember, astonishes me."
"Its Queen! How can you not like a Queen song!"
"I like Queen just not that song. Trust me, in like a few years time, you'll get some teen kid that's a want-to-be singer that sings that song and you wont like it then. When that day comes you can join me in the land of hatred for that song."
"What like another episode of 'Bustin Jibers'?"
"Yes, only worse."
"God help us all!"
"Definitely. Right anyway, explain to me why am actually doing what you and Nev suggested I do, in joining this awful site. As I really don't see why I need to."
Harry really couldn't understand why he needed some site to help him find love. It wasn't like he wasn't nice looking or anything, if he did say so himself he definitely had the looks and the personality, he was just a tad on the shyness side. So what.
"Because mate, your 21 and you've only had one girlfriend and that was 5 years ago. You really do need a shag."
"Draco why I'm even friends with you bewilders me, but I suppose you have a point. Let the finding begin."
"That's the spirit! Though just don't bring back a girl like Chang again. Now she was awful."
Name: Hermione Jane Granger
Age: 22
Birthday: September 19, 1979
Race: Witch
Short description about the way you look: Brown eyes, light brown/blonde, curly, medium length hair, average height, average weight.
Occupation: King Andersons University year 4 studying muggle literature and the care of magical creatures. Working part time at 'Pickson's Bookstore'
Location: England, London
Favourite Quote: 'Believe none of what you see and half of what you hear'
Short Description about yourself: My main goal in life is to make a difference in the law of magical beings, while keeping in touch with my muggle upbringing. I believe in hard work and in education and believe that everyone should be treated as equals. I like a good book and spending time with family. I like cats and in my spare time I like painting too.
What you look for in the opposite sex: I look for a strong character with a great personality. They have to have a good background in education and want to succeed in life. I like them to have a sweet, romantic side and works hard when it comes to a relationship. Looks are not important.
Post a Profile picture of yourself -http:/emmawatsonupdates(dot)wordpress(dot)com/2010/08/26/harry-potter-and-the-deathly-hollows-photo-book/actress-emma-watson-hermione-granger/
There that should do it now just to hit…
"Forgot my purse, again. Oh is that you writing your profile. Let me see!"
Name: Harry James Potter
Age: 21
Birthday: July 31st, 1980.
Race: Wizard
Short description about the way you look: Black hair, glasses, green eyes, average height and weight
Occupation: Aura at Ministry of Magic
Location: Scotland
Favourite Quote: 'You're a wizard Harry'
Short description about yourself: I like to look presentable and enjoy reading the Qwibler. Can be shy and likes owls.
What you look for in the opposite sex: I like a woman who's smart and fun….
"Right I'm going to stop you there. Your writing a whole load of crap. Your acting like some sad guy that's lonely, which is true but wont get you scoring. Seriously "likes owls?"
If the eyebrow raise was any indication from Draco, that wasn't something you put on a dating site.
"Now lets spice this up a bit!"
"Hermione your acting like some old woman on this! 'Looks aren't important', are you mad? You say that and you'll land yourself with some fat guy with spots and a beard. Been there, done that and wore the t-shirt and let me just say worst experience ever! Not to mention the t-shirt was ten times too big. And what's with the horid profile picture! you look ill! Sweetly let Ginny do this and you'll land yourself a keeper or just a one night stand whatever, in no time."
"Don't you dare lie."
"Babe, a little white lie never hurt anyone."
Yeah but your use of 'little' isn't bloody little! Yip defos FML.
"Likes bloody owls. Aye that will be right. Now let me see."
Harry just sat idly by while Draco type furiously on the keyboard, silently thinking that he's going to land himself with some slut with three kids and a STD.
God help me.
"A hour later and finesh! I really should start my own business of doing up people profiles.. Oh my god! We should totally do that 'moine! You could run the finance…"
"And I'll stop you there Gin. Now please go to work while I'll look over what you've actually written, and no I wont erase it, I've learned from the last time I went against you and my eyebrow is only just recovering I'll let you know!"
"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever. C'ya biatch."
"What an absolute cow."
Now lets see the mess she's left.
Name: Hermione Jane Granger
Age: 22
Birthday: September 19, 1979
Race: Hot Witch
"Eh no I think Witch will do."
Short description about the way you look: Chocolaty brown eyes, light brown/blonde, curly, medium length hair that I die occasionally, slightly above height, model material perfect weight, with the right amount of curves in all the right places, if you get what I mean (;
"Absolutely not 1)can't even spell and form proper sentences 2) hinting at slutery. Erase!"
Occupation: King Andersons University year 4 studying muggle literature and the care of magical creatures. Working part time at 'Pickson's Bookstore'. I have my own office (;
"ERASE!"
Location: England, London
Favourite Quote: 'Girls want sex just as much as guys do' (;
"Em I can assure you we do not. ERASE! What the hell is with her and winky faces!"
Short Description about yourself: I'm a muggle born we like it hard…
"And that's my cue to delete."
What you look for in the opposite sex: Looks are defos important! Like muscle and a great package (;
"Have no bloody idea what she means but if the winky face is any indication ERASE!"
Post a Profile picture of yourself - http:/www(dot)comicbookmovie(dot)com/fansites/48and2/news/?a=25567
"I guess we'll keep the profile picture, that's it."
FML
"Wayhey finished! Now for me to read out my work of art…"
"I'll read it to myself thank you. Now if you please goodbye."
"Ars hole."
"Man slut."
If looks could kill. Harry would definitely be dead.
Now let me see the works of a sex shark.
Name: Harry James Potter
Age: 21
Birthday: July 31st, 1980.
Race: Wizard
"He actually spelt Wizard correctly. Coodos."
Short description about the way you look: Jet black sexy messy hair, emerald green eyes, glasses though they look hot I assure you, have a great package, you need to see the size of my trouser tent (;
"What the hell does trouser tent mean? Google!"
Harry called up Google and typed 'trouser tent' in the search bar, where it loaded search results and also displayed how many times that one thing had been searched: 2 billion times.
"Hmm must be a popular saying. Now let me see."
Urban Dictionary: Trouser tent - When you have major wood in the crotchal area but you are wearing some sort of loose garment around there so your purple headed yogurt slinger is clearly visible- thus like a tent
'Dude, How many does your Trouser Tent accomodate!'
"Emmm. What? Purple headed what?"
3) - a tent made in the trouser department being held up by ones pork sword aka cock
"ERASE TROUSER TENT!"
Occupation: Aura at Ministry of Magic
Location: Scotland
Favourite Quote: 'I'm like a sex shark. If I stop moving, I die'
"I really am not. I've been dormant for a long time and I've not died yet. Lies lies lies. ERASE!"
Short description about yourself: Dresses incredibly, have a hot sense of fashion, can divide two (; I also know how too subtract (;
"Winky faces posted by Draco, equal dirtiness so yes I'll give you one guess what am about to do Hedwig."
All that was heard was a hoot, before the delete button was permanently damaged, again.
What you look for in the opposite sex: I like a woman who have a heavy upper section…
"ERASE ERASE ERASE!. Hedwig you know what am going to say don't you?"
Harry looked towards his owl that was currently perched on the wooden stand near the window, while his white beady eyed owl stared back, holding a silent understanding. Both currently thinking Man slut.
Post a Profile picture of yourself - http:/www(dot)ew(dot)com/ew/allabout/0(comma)(comma)20000246(comma)00(dot)html
"Picture ain't bad, everything else Hedwig, goes."
Hedwig didn't really understand why she was still getting talked too. Her master knew she got all bitty when she didn't sleep. He would definitely receive a biting during feeding.
A small hoot was herd that Harry registered as a acknowledgment to his sentence. How he was wrong.
That's me finished chapter 1. I think I will be continuing as I think I could take this many places as the plot is fairly wide ranged. Oh and just to be clear I have not joined a Match(dot)com website as you might get that idea from this fic but I don't. don't have anything against them just not for me but good luck to you if your on one, hope you find someone real swell!
Hopefully it was slightly humours as that's what I was aiming for, never the less I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
I just want to say I might have mucked up my usage of 'to' and 'too' I have never ever been able to identify when to use each one so hopefully I haven't messed that up too much.
Thanks for reading :D