I do not own E.R , Robert Romano or Elizabeth Corday. I'm just borrwoing them since their rightful owners don't actually want them anymore!!!! (How stupid are they?!)
WHY?
He had come home to her in the night and loved her. They had made love with such zeal, you would have thought their very lives depended on it; and now they lay basking in the warm glow of their satisfied bodies.
"I love you," she whispered into his ear, and turned to watch him smile contentedly at her. The image of a man who had everything in life he desired, and wanted for nothing more. She felt giddy with love.
Her lover stirred in his sleep slightly, breaking the fantasy. The dream that came to her each night began to dissipate, and she frantically tried to put the image of his face back in front of her eyes.
Don't go, my love. I need you!
She loved him. She knew that now - but why now? Why had she had to learn, only after he was gone, her true feelings for him? Why had she run from him in life, only to be forced to seek him out in her dreams at night? The feelings were intense. She had tried to deny them at first, to discard them, as she had him in life. Such a waste! He died never knowing how much he'd meant to her, how much she could have loved him. Waste. Poor, sad, pathetic waste!
What demented God would take from him his arm, his career, his life only to let him live with that pain? Alone. Maybe that had been a test and she had failed him. Maybe she had been supposed to save him from his despair, to make him feel whole again. But she had failed him. Failed the test, so that cruel mechanical monster had come back to finish the job it started. Maybe he wanted it in the end. It had already broken his spirit, so it came for the man as well. Would he have welcomed the end to his pain and torment?
Why?
Why had she only in his death been able to admit her feelings for him? What kind of God would toy with people so? It didn't make sense, nothing made sense anymore. He'd asked her once if she believed in Karma. What had either of them done to deserve this? What crime could be worthy of such spiteful vengeance?
She was lost now; stumbling blindly around, no longer sure of where she was going. She tried to function - willed herself to carry on regardless for her daughter. She had to be strong for Ella. But at night she was left alone. Alone, and desolate.
So she sought to find comfort in the arms of other's. Which one was it tonight, the dashing doctor or the charming schoolteacher? She didn't care. She used their bodies, let them love her, but when she closed her eyes, the face was his; the one she really wanted. Always his, no matter who she was with, gazing into her eyes reflecting the love she felt. She was in love with his ghost.
She began to cry silently for them, for their lost love, for wasted opportunities; the tears streamed down her face, soaking into the pillow. It was like this every night now. The void in her life, the ache in her heart seemed to grow everyday like a cancer. She was a surgeon, she should simply cut it out. But she wanted it, welcomed it. He had lived his last days in pain, and now through hers she empathized with his, felt closer to him. She knew it was insane, but she still wanted it. She knew that it would break his heart to see her suffer so, but the pain had manifested itself physically, and the ache reminded her he had been real. It was all she had left of him.
It forced her to feel. No, she welcomed the pain, she wanted it, needed it. She had failed him in life but she would love him in death, the pain a symbol that she would proudly bear.
Her lover stirred again; he was waking. She stopped the tears from falling.
Can't let him see me like this – These are not for him.
A new day was beginning, and it was time to paint on the smile, the happy face. To carry on the daily business of living. Her work would keep her busy, her thoughts away from him. But tonight he would come to her again, and he would love her again, through whichever vessel she brought home and used. They were fated after all.
Robert and Lizzie.
She smiled at the use of his pet name for her, and closed her eyes.
"I love you Robert Romano, I always will," she whispered to the face in front of her.
"What's that babe?" The gruff voice asked.
"Nothing. C'mon it's time to get up."
R&R
Just watched 'Freefall' again which set me off on one again. This is the product of that rant.