AN: This is based on the Australian musicalcomedy trioTripod's stage show Lady Robots, more specifically the song 'We're the Nerds'
Credit for the title goes to my friend Alcie and credit for the courage to show this to people other than friends goes to my friend Dani.
Enjoy
Captain's Log
Captain's Log 1
"Well I say captain, but he was killed months ago, there's only a handful of us left now and I'm the most senior rank here. If anyone finds this I'm torn between this being a mayday message or a warning to you to never set foot on this accursed planet. Our predicament is because of our own folly. For you to understand our plight and make your own decision as to whether you'll risk saving us or not I should start at the beginning, though I beg of you if you do decide to save us please act quickly. Our numbers are small and growing smaller by the day.
"We were outcasts on our home planet. Our kind was despised by every other kind. Our frames are not designed to withstand physical attacks. At least the kind that we were subjected to regularly. That's the wonder of evolution for you, our brains were more highly evolved than the rest of those on our planet, we can assume it was to compensate for our frail and weak bodies. Alright, yes. We were nerds.
"For decades our kind were attacked for our love of computers, science fiction, learning, robots et al. For generations we were misunderstood by the likes of P.E. teachers who claimed to have studied the areas of health yet seem to have no concept of one particular condition. Asthma.
"Eventually our leaders held counsel and after much deliberation it was decided that it would be better for us to leave our home planet for good. At first we numbered 500 but we soon increased ten-fold as our brothers (and sister Deirdre) joined us. Now we number but 50.
"The early days on our new home were what we previously could only dream of, watching Star Trek marathons, recreating Star Wars, cosplaying and more without fear of being ridiculed, or death by wedgie. Quite often we suffered both at once back home. During such glorious times we created our national foods - toast and cold pizza, our national dress - white shirt (with pens in the top pockets of course) and long grey pants (for is it not written 'thou shalt not wear shorts even on the hottest day of the year'?), but most importantly we created a national sport. Dungeons and Dragons.
"Our downfall began when we realised that the only female we had amongst our ranks was Diedre. This caused two problems, the major of which was that for some of us (even if Deirdre cooperated) we would never manage to loose our virginity before we died. Secondly was that it was impossible for Deirdre by herself to have enough children within her lifetime to guarantee our survival as a race.
"The problem was solved when Walter declared that we should build robots in the image of the females from our home planet. We wanted them as realistic as possible to show the universe our skills. To do that our best engineers built them seven feet high, literally armed to the teeth and with the only personality we knew from females (with the exception of Deirdre) hatred of nerds...
"They made the oldest mistake in the book.
"Fucking up.
"Zossol was the first of the Lady Robots to come online. Walter was the first of us to die. The other robots were activated before anyone could stop it, and Zossol was declared their queen. Our engineers were massacred whence the Lady Robots discovered they were nerds. A few of us pretended to be spongefarmers so as we could get closer to the Lady Robots and deactivate them.
"It didn't work.
"Within a day, half our civilization was destroyed and the survivors were scattered across the planet to fend for themselves...and get picked off one by one by the Lady Robots. Some months back my troupe managed to find what we think are the last remaining groups. Together we numbered 100. As of this recording we number half of that.
"If you find this message and have the courage to come to our rescue. Our current coordinates are enclosed. Please hurry."