Irish is the new Black

AN: I think it's about time I introduced you all to the wonders of my beautiful little city in the most… lively decade in its history. What I'm planning on doing is devoting one chapter to each character's experience in Belfast and put a comical spin on what was an incredibly awful time to live here.

So hopefully you'll get a laugh out of reading this and it won't scare you off ever coming to Ireland. :P

----------

1979

POINT PLACE

FORMAN KITCHEN

KITTY: Steven, we need to talk to you about something pretty important.

HYDE: Look, whatever you found in my room was planted there.

KITTY: No, we..

RED: What's in your room?

KITTY: Red, stay focused.

HYDE: Yeah, stay focused.

RED: All right, Steven, just for the record, I told her to mind her own business, and then she said: "Fine, you can make your own dinner." So.. ha ha.. here we are.

KITTY: No. Steven, we found out that the man you think is your father... isn't really your father.

HYDE: What?

KITTY: Your real father's name is Cia-... Che-... Red! How do I say this name?

RED: Oh, God. It's Ciaran, Kitty. Like, Keer-an.

KITTY: Right. Keer-an Lavery, and he lives in Ireland!

JACKIE: Oh, my god! Steven, this is awful! You can't be Irish! Irish people are poor and they all live on farms! (gasps) I hear they don't even have malls!

KITTY: Look, Steven, I know you have a lot of feelings and emotions, and maybe you want to cry. We won't tell if you cry.

RED: I'll tell.

JACKIE: Yeah, I don't like guys that cry.

KITTY: Will you two please? Steven? Are you okay?

HYDE: Well, I.. don't really know the guy who's supposed to be my dad, and obviously, I don't know this new guy, so I don't really care.

JACKIE: Oh, but, Steven, you have to care! What if your new dad is something gross like the guy who delivers the manure... or the town drunk? (they leave)

KITTY: That didn't go well.

RED: What did you think would happen?

KITTY: Well, I thought he would be happy to hear about his dad, we'd all go to Ireland, and then his quirky new father would be so thrilled to see him, he'd buy me a lifetime supply of Bushmills!

----------

FORMAN BASEMENT

(Eric, Donna and Fez sit on the couch; Kelso is in the lawn chair; Jackie and Hyde are coming down the stairs from the kitchen)

HYDE: Jackie, just shut up, alright? I don't want to talk about this.

DONNA: Talk about what?

HYDE: Nothing. (Hyde sits in his chair)

JACKIE: Steven's Irish!

HYDE: Jackie!

KELSO: Wow! Really? Does that mean you have one of those cool magic sticks?

DONNA: You mean a shillelagh?

HYDE: A shi-what?

JACKIE: You see! (She sits down on Hyde's lap) They're already confusing us! Ugh. Why can't those people say anything properly?

HYDE: Look, I'm not Irish, alright? I couldn't even tell you where Ireland is on the map.

KELSO: Oh, Hyde, it's right next to Australia!

DONNA: Kelso, you are so far off.

JACKIE: I know! Everybody knows Ireland is in Mexico.

DONNA: It is not in Mexico!

JACKIES: It's not?

DONNA: No! It's... uh... it's ah... (everyone stares) Oh, go look it up in the atlas!

(Kitty comes down the stairs)

KITTY: Oh, Steven, you must be full of questions about your father-

HYDE: Actually, I couldn't care less. (He nudges Jackie off him so he can get up) He could live in Milwaukee and I still wouldn't want to meet him.

KITTY: Oh, but Ireland's such a beautiful country! The scenery, the history, the accent! It's all so romantic!

DONNA: Maybe in the 1500s. But now, Northern Ireland is full of crime and war. Nearly 2000 civilians have been killed in this decade alone because of the violence.

HYDE: How do you know that?

DONNA: Well, while you guys are off chasing cows with bottlerockets, I'm doing this crazy thing called watching the news.

JACKIE: God, who'd want to fight with them? No-one even knows where they are!

DONNA: They're not fighting with other countries. They're fighting with themselves. The Irish Nationalists want freedom from Irish Loyalists and British oppression so they can form their own government and be in control of their own land.

HYDE: Hang on. They're fighting to overthrow government control?

DONNA: Yeah. (She smiles) Hey, Hyde, maybe you do have some Irish roots after all.

JACKIE: No, no! He doesn't! So he hates the government as much as they do. That doesn't mean anything. Irish people are pale!

HYDE: I'm pale.

JACKIE: They're poor!

HYDE: I'm poor.

JACKIE: They live on potatoes!

KITTY: Steven does love his mashed potatoes.

JACKIE: Oh my God. (She looks at Hyde, alarmed) You're Irish. And I love you, so that means I love Ireland as well! (She sits, stunned) I love foreigners.

FEZ: Well-

DONNA AND HYDE: Fez!

----------

DONNA'S ROOM

(Donna is reading on her bed and Jackie is on her cot, filing away at her nails)

JACKIE: It's not like I have a problem with it or anything. I guess it's better than suddenly finding out he's half-black or something.

DONNA: Jackie, it's not that big a deal. So his dad lives in another country. At least Hyde knows where he is. Eric could be shining shoes in Ecuador for all I know.

JACKIE: He'll turn up, Donna. It's windy outside so he'll probably blow in through the window any second now.

DONNA: I just can't believe he'd leave like that.

JACKIE: You mean the way you were about to?

DONNA: Jackie!

JACKIE: Hey, I'm not judging you! (She stands up) Don't forget, I know what it's like to have your fiancee run out on you without an explanation.

DONNA: No offence, but it's not really the same thing. You and Kelso were on and off more times than a pair of pants.

JACKIE: Oh, and what? You and Eric are the poster child for stability?

DONNA: Do you want a neck cast like Hyde?

JACKIE: I'm just saying... (She sits on the edge of the bed) if Eric comes back, the two of you will work it out.

DONNA: What makes you so sure?

JACKIE: Because you two are perfect for each other, Donna! Eric can't do any better and you'll never find anyone else you can emasculate as much as you do him. (Donna smiles) Now, come on or we'll be late for dinner with the Formans.

DONNA: (frowning) Why can't we have dinner here?

JACKIE: Because I heard your dad ask our moms if they wanted to be peatnutbutter and jelly and if he could be the stuff in between – and they said yes.

DONNA: Let's go.

----------

FORMAN KITCHEN

RED: You know, there's nothing more special than sitting down for dinner with your wife and children. But instead of my children, I have 5 idiots eating my food.

FEZ: Well I sometimes do your daughter, Mr. Red. That makes me family.

HYDE: To be fair, Fez, that would make every man in town and in Canada part of Red's family too.

KITTY: Steven...

HYDE: Because we're all part of God's family.

KITTY: Good boy. Now, speaking of families-

HYDE: No.

KITTY: I was going to talk about Eric, Steven.

HYDE: Oh. Sorry.

KITTY: That's alright. Now, talking about families, are you going to meet your father or not, Steven?

RED: Kitty!

HYDE: Mr. Forman, it's alright. Actually, I think I will go see him.

JACKIE: What?!

KITTY: Oh, yay! (claps excitedly)

JACKIE: Steven, how can you go and meet this guy when you don't know a thing about him?

HYDE: So you'd rather I track down Bud? Look, I'm not looking to play golf with the guy or anything. I just want to go see if he's fighting the good fight like I am. That's all.

KITTY: Well, I think it's wonderful that you want to go and meet him, Steven. And we'll come with you so you don't get trapped by some woman who's had 12 babies and says one of them is yours.

HYDE: Uh, thanks.

KELSO: Oh, awesome! Road trip to Ireland! Hey, Fez, we can go visit the breweries while Hyde's with his dad.

RED: Oh, no. There's no way in hell you dumbasses are tagging along. You'll end up getting us all blown up.

HYDE: Red, trust me. If you leave Kelso and Fez alone here, there's a good chance they'll blow themselves up anyway.

FEZ: Then we are coming with you! Oh, this is so exciting! I bet they have millions of whores in Ireland!

DONNA: I don't know, Fez. Pre-marital sex is pretty much frowned upon over there.

FEZ: Not a problem. I have already married one whore for sex. I can marry another one.

RED: (to Kitty) He's going to give me another heart attack before we're even on the plane.

(Everyone begins to leave, rambling about what they can do once they get to Ireland. Jackie and Hyde are left in the kitchen.)

JACKIE: I just want to go on record as saying I think this is a bad idea.

HYDE: For God's sake, Jackie, just give it a rest alright! I don't give a crap that he's foreign.

JACKIE: Neither do I, but I do give a crap about you getting hurt again. (Hyde rolls his eyes) Hey, the last time you tried to bond with your dad, you thought everything was great and then he bailed on you without a word. I don't want that to happen again.

HYDE: (after a pause) If I take you shopping for clothes for the trip, will it shut you up?

JACKIE: (tearing up) Oh, I love you, orphan boy! (She throws her arms around him)

----------

AN: Well there's the prologue for you. What do you think? Should I continue with this or are you guys not interested in my culture:P Review and let me know. :D Please!