Opening quotes and title are from the Snow Patrol song "The Lightning Strike" that I don't own.
It got cold and then dark so suddenly and rained
It rained so hard the two of us were the only thing
That we could see for miles and miles
Willow knew Tara was angry, could feel her lover's frustration radiating in waves. "I, I'm sorry, okay?" she apologized, wanting to put this behind them. They didn't fight often and the last time they had it had resulted in Tara losing her mind. She knew the chances of anything like that happening again were slim to none with no brain sucking bitch goddesses in town, but she hated the idea of going to bed beside Tara and letting her fall asleep angry.
"It's not that easy," Tara answered, sighing.
"Well, what do you want me to do? Reverse time and take it back?" she asked, trying to break the tension with a laugh. "Cause I could probably…" Tara sent her a stern look and she swallowed quickly, not used to the look of steel directed at her. "Joke. I don't think I could really…"
Tara cut her off quickly, jerking the blankets back forcefully and dropping her pillow on the bed. "You know what, can, can we not do this now? I'm tired."
Willow stared at her for a moment, yanking the blankets back on the other side. "No! We need to do this now, Tara!"
The blonde stared up at her in surprise, pushing the covers off of her and climbing back to her feet. "Really, Willow? You want to do this now? And of course it's whatever you want, right?"
Willow huffed, hugging her arms around herself. "What do you mean by that?" she asked, her voice quiet.
Tara sighed, her eyes dropping. "I-I, lately it seems like you've been using m-magic, doing spells to do w-whatever you want. Like with the party."
Willow groaned in frustration. "What is so wrong with that? It was easy! And it made Anya happy!"
"The problem is that it was selfish!" Tara protested. "You could have just as easily bought some stuff from the store!" She crossed her arms shakily over her stomach. "You're making everything easy for yourself, and you're using magic to do it when you know that's not what it's for!"
"I help people!" Willow shot back.
"You do, at least you used to, but now it's all about yourself and I…"
"What!" Willow protested. "What am I doing now that's so wrong?"
Tara didn't look at her. "I'm scared," she confessed softly.
"Scared of what, Tara?" Willow demanded. "Of me? You don't think - you can't think I'd ever hurt you, do you?"
The blonde looked up finally, eyes sad. "I don't know," she answered honestly.
"Well, I wouldn't! I would never hurt you, Tara!" Willow said quickly, angry now herself. "That you even think I would…"
"Willow," Tara tried to protest, but the redhead sliced one hand through the air to cut her off.
"No, you know what? You were right," the redhead shot at her. "Now's not the time for this. I'm going out, get some air." She spun around, stomping out of their bedroom still in her pajamas. Tara hesitated a moment, but followed her quietly. No matter how angry they were, no matter that they were fighting, she wouldn't let the redhead wander around alone in the dark and get herself killed.
Willow had pulled on shoes and a jacket, the coat obviously one of Xander's that had been left at the house, but was walking so quickly that she paid no notice to Tara's step echoing behind her. Tara couldn't help but wonder at Willow's subconscious as the redhead led her through three cemeteries and the destroyed high school campus. By the time they had circled all of downtown Tara had let herself follow more closely as the redhead started to walk more slowly, Willow still not hearing her. They were in what Tara hoped was the last cemetery of the night when a vampire came out of nowhere, made a running leap, and tackled Willow to the ground.
The redhead shoved at the vampire but didn't use a spell, struggling to drive her knee into his stomach and roll him to the side. He was on his feet before she was, but Tara was there a second later, stake driving through the vampire's heart before he could get back to Willow.
"Tara?" the redhead asked in confusion. "What are you - why are you here?"
"Why didn't you burn him?" Tara asked instead, frowning and coughing on the dust still in the air.
Willow huffed in frustration, sitting up and dusting herself off as she ignored Tara's hand extended to help her up. "What are you doing out here? It's dangerous! You could get hurt!"
"Like you, with the not fighting back? Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Tara responded heatedly, getting in Willow's face as she felt herself get angry again even as her heart thundered in her ears and her knees felt weak with sharp relief.
"I was just trying to do what you said!" Willow protested.
"By letting a vampire bite you?" Tara demanded. "That's what you got out of what I said? You didn't even have a stake!"
"He didn't bite me!" Willow retorted. "Maybe I should have let him!"
Tara couldn't stop herself from shoving Willow back, the redhead stumbling on the gravestone behind her and dropping to sit on top of it. "Don't even think it," Tara growled. "Do whatever you think you need to do to punish me, but do not ever even think about letting yourself get killed."
"Punish you? That's what my dying is? Your punishment?" Willow shot back, pushing herself back to her feet, the minimal space between Tara and herself leaving their chests pressed together as they both breathed hard. Willow abruptly wilted, her shoulders slumping. "I'm not going to hurt you, Tara. I'd rather die first."
"Is that what you were trying to do tonight?" Tara asked, voice just as soft as the redhead's.
"No!" Willow insisted. "Tonight I was distracted! I was walking and thinking and I got distracted! That's all, Tara!"
The blonde sighed, fingers itching to trace through Willow's hair. "Will you listen to me?" she asked softly. Willow looked up slowly, eyes wide. "Break my heart if you have to, but do not ever let yourself die. You fight back."
"Tara, I don't want to break your heart!" Willow protested. "I'd rather go through anything, any pain or torture, than break your heart."
"I don't want you to be in pain, Willow!" Tara stated firmly.
The redhead sat back down suddenly, her body slumping forward. Her voice was muffled as her forehead leaned against Tara's stomach, but her hands came up to hold the blonde's hips. "What do you want from me, Tara? I'm trying here!"
"I'm scared for you! You're, with the amount of magic you've been using. I'm worried that you can't stop," Tara said, her hands sliding through the back of her girlfriend's hair.
"I'll try! I swear! I'll do anything!" Willow agreed immediately. "You want me to stop? I'm stopped! No more magic for me!"
Tara sighed, leaning over to press her lips to the back of Willow's head, her hair soft against her skin and she let her eyes close. "I just want you to slow down, be careful."
"I will, I am. I'll stop," Willow rambled, voice still muffled as her fingers wound themselves into the fabric of the waistband of Tara's pants. "Just, I don't want to fight anymore. I don't like not being right with you, Tara."
The blonde nodded, pressing another kiss to Willow's head. "I know. Me too, sweetie," she agreed softly.
Willow lifted her head slowly, meeting her eyes. "Can we be alright again then?" she asked hopefully. "I promise, no spells. Not ever if you don't want me to."
Tara sighed, dropping to crouch in front of Willow, bringing herself closer to the redhead's seated height. "I don't want you to just go along with me because you don't want to fight, Willow. Do you understand what I'm afraid of?" The witch didn't answer, just swallowed thickly. "I'm afraid I'm going to lose you, that you'll do something, go too far, and I'll have to leave. I don't want it to come to that." She heaved a deep breath and dropped to sit on the cold ground, her back against a headstone.
There was a long moment of silence and she spoke again, voice hoarse. "I don't think I ever told you this, about my m-mom, but she was addicted. I told you she was strong like you, and she was, but she let it go too far…" She took a shuddering breath and Willow slid down from the gravestone to sit beside her.
It took the redhead a second to work up the nerve, but she picked up Tara's hand, holding it between her own. "Your hands are cold," she commented quietly.
"It's cold out here," Tara agreed. "The magic, it drove my mother away. She thought she could keep going, get whatever she wanted." She squeezed her eyes closed as long buried emotions rose up. "That's why my dad started, why he…"
"Shh," Willow whispered, knowing how hard it was for Tara to talk about her father, the suffering she'd endured at his hand.
"He thought I-I'd b-be like h-her," Tara said shakily, turning her head to meet Willow's eyes. "T-that's what h-he, that's w-why he…" Her breathing was shuddery and she leaned unconsciously into Willow's supporting shoulder. No matter if they were butting heads, Willow was her strength.
"Shh, sweetheart," Willow whispered, curling her knees to her chest and pinning Tara's hand between her thighs to warm it up, curling her arm around her lover's shoulders. "He's never going to touch you again," she promised, pressing her lips to Tara's hair. "I love you," she whispered without lifting her head. "Is that okay to say?"
Tara nodded, curling her fingers around the redhead's leg. "Always," she breathed. An involuntary shiver trembled down her spine as a cool breeze washed over them. "Can w-we go home?"
Willow nodded, reluctantly separating herself from Tara and helping the blonde to her feet. Once Tara was upright though, she dropped her hands, fingers playing with the edges of her flannel pants. "Home sounds like a good idea," she conceded, glancing down sheepishly at her pajamas.
Tara mustered a small smile, but didn't speak. Willow cocked her head back in the direction of the house and the blonde fell into step beside her, walking in silence. Willow was paying attention to where she was going now and their route was less circuitous.
The house was dark, the Summers sisters each in their rooms. Buffy was moving in her room, but the door was closed and Willow hesitated for only a moment before she followed Tara into their room. The sheets were still jerked back, left over from their fight earlier. Tara put her shoes away, brushing her hair again. It was part of her nightly preparations for bed and she wanted to give herself a moment.
Willow watched her from the bathroom door, her arms wrapped around her middle. Tara was worried about her, scared about her. It was pounding around in her brain. Her lover, her other half, her everything, was scared. Of her. She considered speaking to Tara again but she heaved a deep breath and slid under the blankets on the bed, lying on her side and watching Tara finish with her hair and put the brush back into its place. Their eyes met as Tara turned, the blonde giving her a weak smile before she moved to the light switch and clicked it off, leaving them in darkness.
The bed shifted as Tara slipped in, but Willow resisted her normal move of sliding back into Tara's arms. The space between them was unnatural and unwanted. Willow's brain was still working, distracting her, and she jumped as Tara's hand slipped over her side. She started to recoil, but Willow caught her. "Sorry. I didn't mean to jump, baby."
"It's okay?" Tara said, the statement coming out as a question.
Willow moved slower than she normally did, but was quite deliberate as she squirmed further into Tara's arms. "Please, don't let me go."
Tara took a shuddery breath, shaking her head against the back of Willow's neck. "No," she whispered into the darkness. Willow curled closer into the curve of her body, the familiar feel of her lover in her arms driving away the discomfort. Whatever was going on between them would look better in the morning.