What if? Hmm….felt a bit random, here we go!
I'd never thought I'd get into anything like this! What had I done!? I was in such a mess and I couldn't get myself out of it, there was no way back now! What was I going to do? I sat just outside of the main camp staring at the horizon as the sun was just finishing setting. It was pretty dark and I was alone, I didn't mind being alone, but it was starting to get cold and I shivered! My head was still spinning, it had been an accident! At least that's what I kept telling myself! I was so annoyed, but I wasn't even sure who with; me? Him? Couldn't I have controlled myself?
"Hey! What's up?!" Gippal's voice startled me. He was the last person I needed to see right now, then again maybe he was just the person I needed to talk to! I didn't reply just shook my head and kept my gaze ahead of me. "Are you alright out here on your own?"
"I'm fine Gippal." I hadn't even heard him come up behind me and I found it slightly unnerving. Still I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts right now it wouldn't have mattered if I could hear him.
Sitting down next to me, the Al Bhed continued to talk. "What you doing?"
I stared at him with a look that said I don't want to talk before replying sharply, "Thinking." I was pleased with the fact my sourness towards him seemed to sink in, even if it was for just a moment. We sat in silence and I took the time to think about my current state. I would have to tell him sooner or later, but I just kept wishing that I wouldn't have to tell him at all. Oh if only there was a way! I supposed realistically, I didn't' want to turn back time, I had enjoyed it! I must've done since it happened more than once; not really an accident if it happens again is it?
"Are you going to tell me?" Gippal stirred my thoughts yet again.
"Tell you what?" I answered and turned my head to look at him properly. His blonde hair blew in the wind and made his features seem more defined.
"What's going on with you at the moment? Something's up I know it Paine, you can't keep things from me!"
"I'm not keeping anything from you!" I wasn't in denial; I just didn't feel like discussing it.
Gippal lifted his good eyebrow in an attempt to say, whatever! "Don't make me force it out of you!" He gave me a small smile which I have to admit made me feel more at ease. I just felt so sick inside and it wasn't because I'd thrown up this morning either. I didn't know how I was going to cope, or if I'd even be aloud to stay in the squad?
"I'm sorry; I just have so much going through my head at the moment." I excused myself.
"You can talk to me y'know – I'm here for you!" He put his arm round my shoulder and I leant against him, he was so warm and it so felt right! "Don't shut me out Paine. Please, if there's anything I can do for you, you know I would." It felt strange having Gippal here for me, when I first met him, if you'd told me what was going to happen between us I would have laughed in your face. However, here I was, guess I just had to live with it.
"I know," I spoke quietly.
The wind seemed to blow more violently as the sun dropped below the distant dunes. I buried myself deeper into Gippal and felt the beat of his heat in his chest. He seemed more mature now but i couldn't figure out why? Not that I was complaining, I liked the new, mature him. Even if he did surprise me at times, suddenly though he leant down and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. I brought my hand up to his cheek but it didn't stay there for long as he pulled me over him so I was sitting over his lap, facing him. We continued to kiss more deeply as his hands explored my back. It was as though he was retracing familiar territory and I felt immediately relaxed with him. Even if he was more mature he still had hands that never stopped exploring and when he went to unclip my front belts I broke away from him. I couldn't have this happen again, not that it would matter now, but I just couldn't deal with it. Gippal rested his hands on my thighs, and stared into my eyes.
"What's wrong?" His voice seemed hoarse as he spoke, "You don't seem right."
"I don't think I am right!"
"Then what's wrong?" he rubbed his hands against the leather of my shorts.
"I can't talk about it right now!" I shook my head and looked at my lap.
"Are you not well? Do you feel bad?" as he pushed I could tell he wasn't going to drop it.
"Yeah, no, I don't know. I'm just so confused, I don't know anymore. I feel awful but I guess mostly I just feel scared." I tried to explain but I knew I was failing miserably.
Gippal just looked at me waiting for a further explanation. Sighing I stood up and began to walk off. "Paine, wait, paine! Stop!" Gippal scrambled to his feet and followed after me.
"I don't want to talk about it!!!" I repeated into the darkness.
"Why don't you want to talk to me? Why are you scared? You know you never have to fear when I'm here don't you?" Gippal came up and held my shoulders tightly.
"You can't sort this out Gippal. No one can, no one but ME and I don't even know what to do! That's why I'm scared; I don't know what to do!" I stared up at him, "Does it change anything? NO! Just leave me alone ok?"
"Please, just let me in! I want to know what goes through your head Paine, help me to help you!" He pleaded so nicely I just couldn't hold it in any longer I was fed up too. There was no way I would have been able to keep it a secret anyway, besides soon enough if would have been pretty obvious!
"I'm pregnant!"