I know I said that Raising Flames was going to be the diamond in the rough, but I lied. I just wasn't feeling that story and I took it down for my own good. My family always tells me I am a hoarder and as it turns out, I hoard stories too because I can't bring myself to delete any of them. Though I can tell everyone right now, You Don't Know The Half Of It, Where The Sun Don't Shine, Everything I've Ever Done and Exploring Reality will not be updated for a very long time. The Downers, however, will be updated as soon as I get my shit together. Please, enjoy the story. It took me a hella long time to write all this. But I love every moment of it. Please review. Like a bra, it gives a girl confidence.

"I. Hate. You."

...those were the last words I said to my Mother before she killed herself.

It made me feel all the more guilty, knowing those were the last words she heard from her own daughter before she took her own life. I tell myself everyday that it wasn't my fault and that she was just too depressed to cope, but I know she wasn't depressed. My Mother had been one of most care free, joyous people in the world and for her to take those pills like that...it made me want to scream. A Mother should never leave her children. It makes me sick to my stomach that she could ever come to the conclusion that I didn't need her anymore. Everyone needs their Mother. Why did mine feel differently?

She had never been to therapy, but I had been pushing her to go. Her past haunted her like terrors in the night and she woke up screaming bloody murder. She broke down crying at the most inappropriate times and certain things made her insane. I wanted her in therapy so that the doctor could maybe prescribe something for her anxiety. It all started two years ago today when she met that terrible man....

He knocked her down. He beat her up. He spat in her blood, he made her feel like she was a worthless whore. That son of a bitch made her so completely dependant on him, there was no way she could ever leave. But I could. And it made her cling to me and my life like glue. She was constantly in my business, trying to offer advice where it wasn't wanted and give me tips that I didn't need. Why couldn't she see I needed space? Why couldn't she see that he was evil? She was so blind to his rage that it made her vulnerable. I knew the minute she brought him home that he was trouble. I never expected her to stick by his side. But she did and it scared the living daylights out of me. To have a monster like that in my own home...I was terrified.

That was why I wanted to go live with Dad. I love my Dad more then anything. He has been my lifeline through all of this, enduring late night phone calls and unannounced visits. He cancelled everything to take care of me and I had finally gotten a glimpse at what life could be. That was why I wanted to go with him. I wanted to leave behind that monster and my weak mother to start a new life with my Father. It made perfect sense. But Mom was scared. What I was unhappy? What if I needed her? Which really meant, what if she was unhappy? What if she needed me?

She was immature. And it made me resent her.

I resented her so much, I rebelled against everything she stood for. If she could have a boyfriend, so could I. I started showing up at all the parties, getting completely trashed and banging on the front door at four in the morning. It got her in even more trouble with the monster, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Maybe this would teach her, I had thought. Maybe she'll finally have enough and let me go with dad. But she trudged in, no matter how far I dragged her through the mud. I had sex. I was careless and I had sex. I let men use me, I let them use my body to make a point. Mom always used to say I was too hard headed for my own good, but I thought differently. Which was exactly her point, in the long run. I wanted her to see how miserable I was. It was supposed to be an act. But over those few months, it started to become real. I was lonely.

I wanted so badly to go with Dad, but I found myself ignoring his calls. Boys would sneak through the window and I would spread my legs like an obedient little slut. That's what they called me. I was somewhat of a legend. A whore legend. Anyone could dip into me, it didn't matter. Boys from all over came and went, leaving me always in a heap on the ground, drowning my sorrows in Jack Daniels. It tore mom apart. But I wanted her to suffer. But I never wanted her to kill herself.

It wasn't until one terrible night. It seemed like it had been years since I had been sober, but it was only four months. Mom and I had gotten into a huge argument that afternoon about my new habits. I told her to go fuck herself. I scolded myself as I was walking home, leaving a party at a local boys house a few miles from my home. If you could even call it a home anymore. A home is defined as somewhere you feel safe, somewhere you belong. I felt like I belonged in hell for all I had done. I was crying, I remember sobbing as I walked down the streets, stumbling. I tumbled onto the ground at one point and curled up in a ball. It was late, nearly three thirty in the morning. I was getting so sleepy, but I knew I couldn't stay there all night. I got up, but I was pushed back down by a presence from behind. I was so disoriented, but I had been quickly coming out of the comatose state. I felt cold all of a sudden. There was something inside me. There was a voice near my ear. It was whispering things, nasty things. I felt myself heaving, choking on my own vomit.

I passed out.

The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. You were attacked, a doctor told me. You were raped and a women found you behind a dumpster on her way to the bus stop. He might have given you something, HIV possibly. We're running tests. You could also be pregnant, but we won't be able to tell you for another month and a half. You can wait, right?

I laid in the hospital all day, silently crying. I hated myself. I brought this on. I did those stupid things, I stayed out until all house. It was my fault. The hospital called Dad, but he was half way across the world. My Father has been a detective for as long as I can remember. He had been working on a case that led him to a brothel in India. Usually, he didn't travel out of his own state, but this case was sticking with him. He booked a flight back home immediately, forgetting about everything but me. I briefly found myself wondering where Mom was, but I brushed it off. I didn't want her there, I told myself. She would just use it against me. It wasn't until that night when the nurses still hadn't heard back from her, when the police sent someone to go find her.

They found her in bed, like she was asleep. The bottle was empty on her table, along with a small manila envelope with three letters inside. One for me, one for dad and one for the monster. The police read everyone of them, and charged the monster with negligent homicide. When the officers showed up at the hospital and told me what happened...I couldn't feel anything but relief. She was gone. I could go live with dad and everything would be good. But after I had talked to the police about both cases, the rape and the suicide, dad came to pick me up. I didn't speak. I couldn't find words. The police promised to get back to us if they found any leads, but dad wasn't having that. I ghosted around the house, wondering from room to room, but I always found myself back in his office. I would stand in the doorway and stare as he went over the case again and again. And every time he looked up and saw me, he would get up and hold me. Only in his arms did I let the tears flow. Tears for myself, for my mom, for his suffering. I didn't feel safe in my own body. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

It wasn't until the hospital called us back, did I remember there warnings. You could be infected, they had reminded me. You might even be pregnant. I didn't believe for one second that I was. I had been so loose before without any repercussions, pregnancy seemed like something of a myth. I shook the thought away. When they called, a nurse told my dad over the phone that I was pregnant. Yesterday night, Dad passed the news along to me.

I've been curled up in the tub ever since. I'm covered in puke, My lip is gushing blood, my hands are rubbed raw and dad is threatening to call the psychiatric ward if I don't come out.

I. Hate. Myself.

It was after midnight when I finally came out of the bathroom. Dad was sitting against the wall next to the door, with his head in his hands. I sat down next him, slowly. He ignored my haggard appearance and took me into his arms, rocking back and forth.

"I'm sorry. Baby girl, I'm so sorry." He murmured, smoothing back my hair. I felt his tears drip down my forehead, as if they were cleansing away those terrible memories. I let them drip until he pulled away and brushed them off. "I love you, baby. I'm so sorry."

I kept my hands clasped on his shirt. I hadn't spoken since I talked to the police. It was like my voice was gone. Without words, there was only thoughts. That meant I could lose myself in whatever world I wanted, escaping the pain spreading through my heart. I could close my eyes and pretend I wasn't there. I was afraid if I spoke, words would come out and I would tell someone what I said to her. What I said to mom before she swallowed those pills. I was afraid dad would blame me and I would end up just like her. Dead, absorbed by the pain and the lonely misery.

He carried me to bed, laying me down like a toddler. He tucked me in, not bothering to mention my still rotten clothing. I slept until three thirty. That was when the nightmares started. That was when everything had started. It was like clockwork in my head, like he was going to come back and rape me again. It was that time of night when I curled up in the fetal position and gasped for air.

The next morning, dad came downstairs to find me on the couch, looking at photo albums. He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, before sighing. I didn't look up at him, I just turned the page. Another happy birthday. Another broken memory.

"Bella, I hate to do this to you. I know school is the very last thing on your mind, but you've missed so much of it." He mumbled, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. "You have two options. We can get you a tutor to catch you up, or I can enroll you in Forks High School."

I didn't respond. I looked blankly at the picture of my young self whimpered. Dad came around to sit beside me. He touched my chin softly and turned me head to look at him. "Honey, I've signed you up for counseling. We have a wonderful rape counselor at the station and I really want you to see her. Regularly."

I turned my head away to look back down at the page. I wanted to say so many things, but I kept my mouth closed. Who knows what I would say if I opened it. He kept me close to him until I finally looked up.

"What is it going to be? School or a tutor?" He asked, gently. I held up a number one, reluctantly. His eyes widened, like he couldn't believe I wanted to interact. I didn't want to socialize, I wanted to cry. But school would get me back to normal, I told myself. I would forget about the monster, I would forget about mom, I would forget about the rape. Everything would go back to normal. Everything would go back to how it was before mom ever brought home the monster.

"Are you sure?" Dad finally asked, surprised. "I know you're still hurting, sweetheart. Talk to me. Please?"

I shook my head, flipping to the next page. My eyes landed on a large picture of mom in the middle of the page, holding me in the hospital. I froze. Dad felt my rigid movement. He took the scrapbook slowly from my hands and closed it with a small snap. I closed my eyes, savoring the silence. He stood up from the coach, letting it creak under us.

"Alright. I'll call the school on my lunch break and enroll you. Okay?" He asked, checking again before he did anything. When I didn't answer, I heard him pick up his shoes from next to the door and slip them off. Since he was a detective, he didn't need to wear the uniform anymore. He wore whatever he wanted, but the gun belt still sat prominently on the coat rack. He slipped it on, quickly, like I would take it from him and suddenly go into a frenzy. I pulled my legs up to my chest and shivered as Dad opened the front door. "Goodbye, Bells. Try and get some sleep."

Sleep? I'd rather die than see all those images in my head. Sleeping was like reliving Phoenix. All I wanted to do was live in the moment, live in Washington. I wanted a normal life.

I wanted my mom.

It was around six o'clock when the front door opened again and I heard the heavy footsteps of my father in the foyer. He took his gun belt off and tossed his shoes to the ground, before trudging into the living room. He stopped when he saw me in the same position he left me in.

"Have you moved?" He demanded, scrunching his eyebrows. "Bella?"

I shook my head. He walked over and sat down next to me, carefully. I looked at him with watery eyes. and he knew what I was thinking about. I fell into the safe haven of my Dad's arms and cried. It was quiet, but my breathing escaped me. I gasped, leaving a wet stain on his shirt. He rubbed my arm, letting me get it all out before trying to speak.

"I called the school. Bella, are you sure you don't want a tutor? I think it would be easier on you." He said, smoothly. I shook my head, stubbornly. He hung his head. "They said you could start tomorrow. But, Bella, you're not ready to-"

I pulled back and widened my eyes, frantically. I shook my head from side to side, silently telling him what I wanted. He looked down at me with the eyes I inherited and I could see how torn he was. "Sweetheart, you don't understand. You're...unbalanced. I have to ask you something really important, Bella....Do you want to get rid of this baby?"

It was a hard slap in the face. Like he had punched me, blindly in the stomach and all the wind was knocked out of me. I found the tears flowing again. I leaned into his chest yet again, shaking my head.

Something's were just too precious to be rid of. After all the death I had seen, all the pain...killing a baby would just send me over the edge. If anything good came out of this at all, it would be this child. I would protect this baby. I would save this baby like I couldn't save my mother. I would be a mother. And I would never leave my children.

"If you say so." Dad murmured, nodding his head. "But I still don't think you're quite ready to start school tomorrow. How about next week?"

I protested with my eyes. He relented, giving into my silent cries. "Fine. Tomorrow. But I'm coming in with you."

I nodded, agreeing with him. I wrapped my arms around his waist, basking in the feeling of safety. It was such a foreign thing...I almost forgot what it felt like.

"You're sure you'll be alright today?" Dad asked as we waited in the front office. I rubbed my hands together nervously and bit my lip. I nodded my head in response to his question, breathing in the scent of cafeteria food and #2 pencils. It made me sick to my stomach. "Baby, I don't know about-"

"Detective Swan! How nice to see you!" A large voice cried from a door behind us. I cringed and leaned closer to Dad. He wrapped a protective arm around me.

"Mr. Greene, if you could keep your voice down." Dad said, dangerously. "I'd like to speak with you in your office for a moment, if you don't mind. Bella, will you be okay out here by yourself?"

I reluctantly nodded, sitting down in one of the uncomfortable chairs the front office provided. The secretary looked at me oddly for a minute after Dad and Mr. Greene disappeared into a small room in the corner. I heard their voices faintly and focused on the clicking of the keys on the keyboard. I closed my eyes and ignored the footsteps in the hall or how they slowed as they peered in to stare at me. I ignored the curious secretary and kept to myself. It seemed like hours before the men finally came out, shaking hands like old buddies.

"Well, Bella, it sounds like you're a real achiever. It will be great having you at the school." Mr. Greene said. His expression changed from one of happiness to one of sympathy. I cursed myself mentally for being so helpless. "Don't worry, you're teachers have been notified. You don't have to worry about anyone else knowing."

I was a little offended that he believed I was ashamed of my child. I was terribly scared of my child, but I wasn't ashamed of it. I was ashamed of how it got there. I was ashamed of the choices I made, I was ashamed of the things I had done to make this happen. I was ashamed of myself, never this baby. I gave the man a cold stare. He turned uncomfortably back to Dad.

"Well, Detective Swan, I think we've gone over all there is to go over. We have Bella signed up for her selected classes and she is definitely in the higher achievement group. It's not a very big school, but we can have someone come up and show her around if you would like?" He suggested, crossing his arms. Dad glanced at me with a hard expression. He was asking what I wanted.

I looked around the office, wrapping my arms around myself. I nodded my head, deciding it would be better to have a familiar face. All these unfamiliar surroundings were making me shiver. I had been so afraid for so long. I didn't want to be afraid here. This had been my goal the entire time. I wanted to come to Forks, I wanted to live with Dad. But this wasn't the way I wanted to get here.

"Yes, that would be nice." Dad answered for me. Mr. Greene looked unphased by this, so I assumed Dad had filled him in on my lack of speech. I hung my head in embarassment.

"Mrs. Cope, can you please get on that?" Mr. Greene asked, politely. She gave me a sad smile and picked up the phone on her desk, dialing a number. She said something I couldn't quite catch into the receiver, before hanging up. Mr. Greene looked down at my with a wide, fake smile.

"I think you'll really like it here, Bella. We have a wonderful ambassador program, you'll surely love your tour guide. She's a real sweetheart." He said, nodding. I continued to stare at my tattered shoes, drifting back off into my head. Dad nudged my toe, softly, reminding me to focus. We had a long talk last night before I went to bed.

"Bella, I'm so worried about you." He said, sitting down on the edge of my bed. I shook my head, signaling for him not to be worried. "Sweetheart, why won't you talk to me?"

I looked down at my quilt, remembering the happier times I had in this room. Nana rocking in the chair across from the bed, singing me to sleep. Dad waking me up on my birthday with my favorite banana waffles. Even Mom, wiping away my tears as I cried about the bad dreams. But that was a good time, before the fighting started. Before Mom took me away.

Dad continued to stare at me. "Whoever did this will never hurt you again. I'll make sure of it."

I looked up, peering at him with curious eyes. How would he do that? He scooted closer to me, like he used to do when I was child. I almost felt like asking him to tell me a story.

"You're safe here, Bella." He assured me, patting my leg. "I know you miss your Mom. And I also know you feel guilty."

I felt my eyes watering. I nodded, looking anywhere but his face. I couldn't let him see how guilty I truly felt. "But it wasn't your fault, baby. Your Mother was unhappy, she was ready to go. She loved you."

I shook my head, vigorously, protesting that statement. She hated me. She wanted me with her, so I could suffer as much as she was. She brought the monster into our lives and she would have to deal with him herself, I had thought. She didn't want to face her mistakes. She was a child, I had spat during on of our fights. She was an immature child and she needed to face the facts. She was going to get herself killed.

Why did she take me so literally?

"I don't want you to go to school tomorrow." He finally murmured. "I know you, Bella, and I know you think it's going to magically heal you. When I said you'd missed so much, I was thinking you could restart your schooling at home. I want you to talk to our psychiatrist before you do any sort of socializing."

I glared at him. I wasn't that fragile, I sniffed in my head. I could deal with it. I could get over this. I would make a good life for me and my baby. I needed to get over this if I ever wanted to do that.

"You go so far into your head," He observed, gently. "I don't want you to get lost in there. Promise me, that if I let you go, you'll keep your mind from closing in. Promise."

I gave him a hard look. For extra measure, I held up my pinky. It was the only way I could use sarcasm without using my voice. He snorted and wrapped his pinky around mine. It was such a small, childish gesture, but it made me feel safer. He was my Father. I knew I was safe with him.

"I love you, Bella. Try and get some sleep tonight." He said, leaning over to kiss my forehead.

But like clockwork, I was awakened at three by the nightmares. I felt the water run down my cheeks and I looked out the window up at the moon. Won't you go away, I asked. Won't you let me be?

"Excuse me?" I bright, clear voice sounded from the office doorway. We all peered up from our

from our worlds to stare at the tiny girl. She was holding a small blue pass in her hands, looking at us, curiously. "Mrs. Kennedy told me I was needed in the front office."

Mr. Greene cleared his throat. "Ah, yes. Alice , this is our new student, Bella Swan. Would you mind showing her to her classes for the next week or so?"

Her face lit up. "Oh, of course not! Hiya, I'm Alice Cullen! It's so nice to meet you." She chirped, nearly running over. She bent down to hug my shoulders and I froze. Dad quickly cut in with a loud huff, making Alice glance up at him. Mr. Greene motioned for Alice to follow him into his office. She let herself be led away, confused.

Dad sighed, looking down at me. "You okay, baby?"

I nodded, pulling my large jacket even tighter around me. Alice and Mr. Greene came out a moment later, Alice looking as bright as before. She gave me a genuine smile, before holding her hand out. I took it, shakily, letting her lead the handshake.

"Well, I think that's all we need. Detective Swan, it's been a pleasure. I'm sure we'll be seeing each other very soon." Mr. Greene said, happily. Dad rolled his eyes when he wasn't looking and muttered a small, "I'm sure."

Dad looked down at me, raising an eyebrow. I gave him a tiny smile, gesturing towards the door with my head. You can go, I thought. I'll be fine. I want to die, but I'll be absolutely fine. Have a good day at work, I wanted to say like a normal person. Forget about my problems. You have your own, Daddy.

After Dad left, Mr. Greene handed me my schedule and a map of the school, insisting Alice would do an excellent job showing me around. Alice stayed silent the entire time, mimicking my blank expression. But she kept the bright, friendly smile on her face the whole time. I noted how white her teeth were, jealously. Mom had been to in debt to ever even get me braces. She always said I didn't need them and asking Dad was out of the question. Her pride was more important than my happiness.

Alice led me out of the office a moment later. As soon as the office door closed, she turned to me, letting out a sigh. "Sorry about hug in the office. I didn't know you didn't like to be touched."

I shook my head, feeling stupid for not answering. Alice didn't seem to mind. "Mr. Greene told me you weren't too big on talking. That's fine, too. I think I do enough talking for the both of us." She joked, walking down the hallway with a bounce. I followed her like a blind puppy, following its owner.

"He also told me you were kind of, I don't know, depressed. I thought that was kind of weird, him telling me that. I mean, if you wanted me to know, you would have told me. Not that you talk. Oh, I'm sorry! Was that mean? Sometimes I just don't think before I say stuff." She babbled. "I'm Alice, by the way. Wait, you already knew that."

I nodded, picking at a piece lint on my jacket. Alice led me down a hallway with a ton of posters, rattling of some information about the upcoming back to school dance they were planning. I snorted, letting her know I wasn't interested. She looked surprised.

"You don't like to dance? You look so...I don't know, you just have a dancer's body." She shrugged, shaking her pixie cut from side to side. "That probably sounded creepy."

I smiled, silently telling her it was alright. I was a little suspicious as to how she knew I was a performer, but I decided to shake it off. I wasn't a performer anymore. Dance, music, art...it was all in the past. And that was where it was going to stay, whether I wanted it to or not.

"Okay, it looks like you've gotten through most of the required classes already. So, all you really have left is English, Science and Gym. But...you're excused from that?" She asked scrunching up her nose after she read the attachment note on my schedule. I nodded, looking over at a poster for Glee Club. It was so strange that I used to be the chorus girl, putting up the posters before all of this happened.

"Lucky! I still have it and we're in the tennis course right now." She whined, flipping through my papers. "But your day should end pretty early. Your lunch is actually optional."

I smiled to myself, enjoying that fact. That meant I could leave and get back to my own little world before noon. But I was also a little disappointed. This whole education ordeal was so I could get better. Not for me to leave before I even had the chance to recover. For some reason, this simple complication made me want to curl up on the floor. But Alice's presence kept me from making a disturbing scene.

"Well, here's your first class." She said, stopping in front of a door. "Sorry we didn't get to talk more. I'd love for you sit with us at lunch, if you're still here."

I stared at her, contemplating the pros and cons. Alice was a cheery person, her company might pull me out if this funk. Maybe if I stuck with her, things would chance. I nodded after a moment of thought, smiling softly. Her dimples showed as her grin widened.

"Great! I'll save you a seat." She promised, before glancing at the clock. "Oh, I didn't realize the time. I have to get back to my class, or I'll probably get in all sorts of trouble. I'll be here before you get out, though, I promise. Bye, Bella!"

I waved, weakly, before turning back towards the door. I heard her skipping down the hallway to another door, before I finally inhaled, breathing in the familiar air. I opened the door, slowly, cringing as all eyes turned to find me face. I kept my eyes on the ground, walking to the man in the front of the room and handing him my note. I shied away from his touch, stepping back a foot when he reached out for the paper. He scanned over it, curiously, before looking down at me through his wire rimmed glasses.

"Ah, Isabella, our new student. Why don't you go over and sit down next to Mr. Newton? I'm sure he can get you caught up." He said, pointing to a spikey haired boy in the back of the room. He immediately scooted his books over, giving me a bewildered smile. I felt my eyes widen. I turned back to the teacher, taking the note from him, frantically. I pointed to the bottom of the page, showing him the special line, the most important thing on the page.

Isabella is not comfortable around male students. It would be in her best interest to keep her seated near females at all times. Thank you.

The teacher cleared his throat, waving his hand in a dismissing motion. "Scratch that. You can sit next to Miss Stanley. Miss Stanley, please raise your hand."

I curly haired girl across the room from 'Mr. Newton' raised her hand, giving me a sickly sweet smile. The desks were set up in tables and that sort of threw me for a loop. I hadn't been in this sort of seating arrangement since the third grade. But I sat down next to the girl, swiftly pulling out my chair and seating myself in one sweep. Across from me were two blondes, both incredibly busty, both giving me the same sneer. Stanley turned to me, presenting her faded yellow teeth.

"Hey, I'm Jessica. You're Isabella, right?" She asked, smacking her gum. I did my best to ignore the staring, nodding as I pulled out a notebook from my bag. "Where are you from?"

I stayed silent, focusing on the paper in front of me. They waited, impatiently for me to say something, before the girl across from Jessica snorted.

"Do you speak?" She demanded in a nasal voice. I looked up at her, giving her my best look of death. It seemed to work, because her eyes widened she quickly turned her attention to the teacher. The girl across from me sniffed, mouthing something I didn't see to Jessica. She snickered, covering her mouth with her dirty hand.

I tuned into myself, taking a deep breath. I was in and I was safe for the time being. I felt a pair of eyes staring at me from behind and I glanced over my shoulder. Newton was staring at the back of my head, but he looked away as soon as he saw me notice him. A faint blush graced his cheeks and I almost wanted to roll my eyes, but I resisted the urge. There was no need to let the silly boys of Forks High School raise any flags from me.

The boys in Phoenix were good for nothing. The pain all came from them, whether it was physical or emotional. They came and went, never checking to make sure I was okay. The monster, his friends, their sons. Everyone and anyone took advantage of my vulnerability and I was not about to let that happen here. Mom wouldn't have been any help, even if I asked her to. She was too wrapped up in her own misery to care about mine. But Dad would step in, whether I wanted him to or not. With Mom, my attitude was 'I won't do it and you can't make me'. I had no reason to rebel here. My goal had been reached and there was no one holding me back. I could be free.

But I would never be free.

No matter how badly I wanted to be.

Lunch came quickly. I was debating on whether or not to escape to my home, but Alice had seemed so excited for me to sit with them. I had promised to meet her in the cafeteria and I had a feeling she would be offended if I left without saying goodbye. On my way to the lunch room, I told myself I was only going to show her I was leaving. But I knew, subconsciously, that once I got there, Alice wasn't going to let me leave.

I stood in the double doorway, blocking other people's entrance. They shoved past me, muttering under their breath, but I stayed rooted in my place, scanning the room for Alice. When she spotted me, she stood up on her chair and waved her hands around, signaling me over. I winced, making my way over to her, avoiding the touch of those around me. I got many stares as I passed by, from everyone including Jessica and Newton, who's name was Mike, I had learned. He gave me an infatuated look, ogling me with wide blue eyes, making me close within myself. Alice jumped down off her chair when I reached them and pulled out the seat next to her, with a grin.

"Guys, this is Bella! Bella, this is Angela and Ben, my two best friends. Besides you, I mean." She said, shrugging her shoulders as I sat down. Best friend? I had known her for a total of four hours and was already making us charm bracelets? That's rather odd, I decided grimly.

The girl, Angela, gave me a warm smile and reached her hand across the table. "Hey, Bella. Alice has told us a ton about you. And don't worry, the whole silence thing doesn't bother us."

I wasn't worried about whether it bothered them, I thought angrily. I wasn't worried about anyone but myself and the baby. Ben nodded, agreeing with Angela's statement. Alice looked between the three of us, brightly and eagerly. I gave them all a curt nod, acknowledging their words. I wrapped myself tighter in the jacket, pulling my arms in to wrap around my stomach. I ran my hands across my stomach, stopping to feel the tiny curve of my baby.

"So, Bella, you like pizza, right?" Alice asked, bouncing in her seat. She reminded me of a small child, innocence shown in her hazel eyes and happiness in her wide, lovable smile. I nodded, uncertainly. I wasn't sure exactly where she was getting at, but it was bound to be a road I was not prepared to travel.

"That's great! We were just talking about our annual Friday night mini party and I was wondering if you might want to come?" She asked, hopefully. Angela nodded.

"Yeah, Bella. It'll be a lot of fun." She said, insistently, biting into her sandwich. It looked tuna and I wrinkled my nose. Smelled like tuna too, I thought. I raised an eyebrow around the table, wondering what a 'mini party' actually entailed. Ben seemed to pick up on my question, because he went into an explanation quickly.

"Every Friday night, Alice, Angela and I meet at the Cullen house to hang out. We usually order pizza and rent movies. It sounds kind of lame, but it's a lot of fun." He said, shyly. Alice put her hands in a position as if she were praying and gave me a wide eyed look. I looked down at the table, avoiding their intense gazes. I shut my eyes and prayed silently to myself that Alice would pick up on my discomfort and stop looking at me. I didn't want to be scrutinized, I felt like I was under a microscope. Like we were under a microscope.

I wasn't sure about this. Usually I would take some time to think about it, but I could tell they were expecting an answer right away. It was Tuesday though, and that meant I had two whole days left to dwell on it. Alice was so nice and the other two looked really friendly. But I just didn't know if I was ready to go back to being a teenager. I would never be a teenager again, I sneered in my head. I would now forever be a Mother, a role model. An adult. If I were to start partying again, I just might turn out like Mom. And that was not a path I was willing to take. I looked back up at everyone with one eye. They waited, patiently. It made feel all the more comfortable. I felt myself visibly relax, something foreign and unusual these days.

I finally nodded to Alice, who squealed and clapped her hands. "Yes! We are going to have so much fun!"

Angela laughed at Alice's enthusiasm, but agreed with her. "You'll love Alice's house. It's humongous." She said, moving on to open her yogurt. I nervously rubbed my baby under the table, wondering idly if they could see me. Why did they even want me there? It wasn't like I was such great company, I mean, I hadn't spoken one word in two months. Were they just trying to be nice? I wasn't used to kids being nice to me. Back in Phoenix, I was either a source of amusement or a fuck toy. Usually, it was gender separated and I was amusing to the girls. Though, I had a few boys bring their girlfriends to some of the escapades. Or, as...she called it, sexcapades.

I wondered what she was doing. Did she miss me? Probably not, I decided sadly. She was probably having fun her senior year, spending time with Tanya, relieved to be rid of me and all of my problems. But she was my best friend, another part of my argued. The devil on my shoulder rolled her eyes. Used to be your best friend, she spat. Before you went all psycho fucking crazy and went and got yourself raped. Who wants to hang out with someone like that? Certainly not me, I saw her in my head, saying with that perfect sneer I knew so well. You're just a fucking nut job, Bella Swan. I found myself nodding, agreeing with her. It wasn't until and small hand was waved in front of my face, was I brought back to reality.

"Are you okay?" Alice asked, her perfectly waxed eyebrows scrunching together. I stood up, nodding vigorously. I picked my bag up off the floor, shaking my head, in a 'don't worry about it' motion. She stood up with me, confused. I pointed to the door, shrugging with what I hoped was an apologetic expression. Just let me leave, I pleaded in my mind. Let me fucking go. The irony in that statement made me want to laugh. But tears were threatening to spill over and I needed to get out of there, quick.

I turned on my heel and nearly ran out of the cafeteria, bumping into a group of girls on their way to the bathroom. They protested as I cut through them, stumbling out to the parking lot in a flurry of tears. Dad had dropped me off this morning, I remembered. I didn't even have a motherfucking car. So, I settled for kicking someone else's Volvo, repeatedly until my foot ached and I moved on to the other one. Tears spilled over, running down my cheeks. There weren't a lot of kids out at this time, most enjoying lunch with their friends. I discovered myself limping home, forgetting about the Volvo and my lack of transportation. I had legs. I would use them.

She would have given me a ride. Everyday, no matter when I left or where I was heading, she offered me a ride. She ignored the snickers, she dodged the rude remarks. Every single day, she found me one way or another and offered me a ride. And every single day, I turned her down. I hadn't wanted to be around her. She might talk me out of the stupid things I planned, she might make me forget about the rebellion, if only for a moment. She nevergave up on me. She never made me feel like I had to be someone I wasn't. She was my very best friend and I left her in the dust. No wonder I couldn't even think her name, let alone work up the nerve to say it, even to myself. I had no right to utter her name. I had no fucking right at all. She made that perfectly clear on that horrible day, that horrible day that all of this started. The day my baby was forcefully conceived.

She had been my best friend for years. We grew up together, we discovered ourselves together. She was there the day I got my first boyfriend, she was there the day I got my period. She knew all of my secrets, all of my dark dwellings that I could share with no one else. She knew how badly I wanted to be away from Mom. She knew how much I loved my Dad and how much I wanted to be near him. She knew what went on in that house. She knew all about the monster, she had seen his tirades with her own eyes. She iced my black eye, she bandaged up my wounds. She let me cry on her shoulder and the only thing I ever did for her was leave. I left her behind. What kind of a friend does that? A shitty one, I thought. Not a real friend. Not someone that really gave a fuck about you. A worthless, good for nothing excuse for a human being.

That was me.

I was a worthless, good for nothing excuse for a human being.