A Shadow in the Background

Summary: As Raven contemplates suicide, she thinks about her friends, and all that they mean to her.

Raven sighed as she stared at the scrapbook in her hands. It was turned to the last page, which was blank. Her life had had so much pain, but so many happy memories were stored in here. She flipped to the beginning, and stared at the photos.

It was a picture of her entire group of friends. Karen Beecher had Victor Stone's arm around her, while he had his hand up in a cheery wave. Garfield Logan was putting bunny ears behind Tara Markov's head, and grinning furiously. Garth Waters and Roy Harper had Raven Roth herself in between them. Garth was grinning handsomely, while Roy flashed his charming, idiotic smile. Raven even had her mouth stretched into something that might have suggested a smile. Behind her was Ryan Xavier, with his black hair tipped with red and his dark flashing brown eyes. Wally West and Jennifer Kensington were there too. Wally had his arm on Jenny's shoulder, but she seemed not to notice for once. Even the twins were in the photo, Santo and Pablo. They were only in middle school, and had trouble understanding English, as they were from Spain. Beside them was the last couple, a couple which made Raven grimace as she glared at them. Kori Anders was from some far off country, but had been there for the entire year. Dick Grayson had completely fallen for the red-head, and Raven had to admit even to herself that she was jealous.

Richard Grayson, her best friend since pre-school. She had played with him in their back yards, and gotten together every week-end when he moved from Jump City to Gotham in fourth grade. Then they went to the same middle school, and in eighth grade she realized the terrifying truth; she was in love with her best friend Dick Grayson.

Then in ninth grade, Kori Anders showed up in school. With her bright red shiny hair, sparkling in the sun and glimmering in the shadows, her bright green eyes, that glowed whenever she was happy, her never-ending smile, her cheerful, sing-song voice, her pure innocence and naive ways, her tall stately figure, and her fantastic body, how could the Ice Queen of the school compete with Miss America?

Raven Roth definitely lived up to her status of Ice Queen. She had black hair and black eyes, she wore black, sometimes purple or navy, was marked as the Gothic outcast. She had wonderful friends, Roy Harper, Dick Grayson, and Garth Waters were about the most admired and wanted guys in school. But Raven felt alone, and withdrew from her friends more and more, leaving them with raised eyebrows, confused looks, and wondering thoughts, but none forced her to go with them, making her even more miserable.

A tear threatened to course down Raven's cheek as she stared at the picture. Roughly brushing it away, she turned back to the beginning of the scrapbook, a scrapbook of her friends. She smiled thinly as she gently turned each page, lingering at the sight of her friends.

She even allowed herself to laugh at the picture taken last year on July 4th. It was of her, Roy Harper, Ryan Xavier, and Garth Waters. The entire group of friends had gone to the annual Fourth of July picnic parade, and Roy had tried to feed her some ice cream. The picture showed her with ice cream all over her mouth, and she seemed about to attack Roy, who was grinning sheepishly. Ryan was on the ground, rolling around with laughter, while Garth was trying hard to look like he wasn't laughing as well.

She touched the faces of her friends, her smile dimming as she remembered the kiss Kori and Dick had shared that day. Of how they had held hands during the fireworks, how he had gotten her pie, and they had sipped the same drink. The entire day lingered in her mind as though it was yesterday.

The next five pictures were at the picnic. Gar and Tara had gone for a swim, and it showed Tara in her one piece bathing suit on Gar's shoulder as he gave the camera a peace sign. The next one was of Santo and Pablo watching a weird puppet show that told the story of America's independence.

Then Raven's favorite picture. It showed her and Jenny. Jenny, her best friend. The black-haired girl had pink high-lights in her hair, and for once it was let down. The two pale girls had their arms around each other, and they both gave genuine smiles for the camera. The cameraman was Victor, if Raven remembered correctly. Jenny was wearing something other then pink of black for once. She was wearing blue, completely blue, except for her white shoes. Beside her, Raven still was wearing black, and still looking completely happy.

Raven didn't know why she put in the next picture. It was of Kori and Dick, with their fingers laced together, huge grins practically breaking their faces. Kori looked beautiful, Raven would never be able to be anything like her.

Sighing, Raven set the scrapbook down, and picked up an aging leather-bound scrapbook. Caressing the cover, she opened it and mentally slapped herself for the tears welling up in her eyes. Inside was her, her family, her father before he became a drunken murderer, her mother before she was killed, Raven herself as a care-free happy child. The pictures had only the date and the names of the people in the them and the place where they were. They went from when Raven was just born, to when Arella Roth died when Raven was eight.

Her friends never found out that Arella Roth had been murdered by Trigon Roth, her husband, nor did they realize that eight-year-old Raven had witnessed her beloved mother's death. They just thought she was hardened by the sadness, they didn't even know that Trigon beat her every single night.

Raven wished to yell at them, scream at them, have them shower her with pity, have them hate her, love her. She wanted them to know the truth, but would never respond if they did find out. She was terrified that her secret would be revealed, but every night, with new bruises on her arms and face, she dreamed of telling them. Him.

You're weak! she screamed at herself. Stop being weak and feeling sorry for yourself! You're brave, you're strong, you're emotionless, emotion is pointless, pain strengthens you. God, if only they knew what I went through every ni…no! You're strong, you don't need th…Oh Dick, do you realize that every night you go out with Kori, I inflict pain upon myself? It was a question that Raven always asked herself, but she knew the answer. On the very nights Dick and Kori would go on dates and make out while they were supposedly watching a movie, she would be locked away in her dark room, with a bloody razor, while her drunken father was with some unknown woman three rooms down.

Sometimes Raven wished that she could just end it all, but she wondered if that was really what she wanted. Yes, she decided, I would like to end it all. But she wouldn't. She had too many people who cared about her, and after all the pain she had gone through losing someone she loved, she wouldn't want to put others through that.

Besides, she did know that they loved her. It was different from her relationship with her father. She knew that he didn't love her. She wished he would just die and go to hell, or at least let his murderous acts be uncovered, but no one had ever found out what he did. And probably never will. Raven looked out the window, listening to the soft sounds of the rain. No, she wouldn't take her own life away, though only God knew how much she wanted to. She would just live on, loving from afar, there when anyone needs her, suffering in the darkness, a shadow in the background.

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