I was tired.
I don't own VLD
Space and silence. That was all that was out here, wasn't there? It was moments like this that Lance hated. He usually was much better with silence than this, but it was slowly becoming harder and harder to handle. If he had someone to here to talk to and be loud with, it was much better. He could focus on them and not himself. Staring up at the ceiling like he was only made his chest ache even more. His insecurities popped up and ate away at him with the oppressive quiet smothering him from every angle. He could try and leave his room, walk around the castle, but no one was up and awake and he didn't think that he could handle seeing the stars and knowing that there was no way that he was going home any time soon.
'And what if there is no going home?' his thoughts whispered to him and he clutched the pillow closer to his chest. No. he couldn't think like that. He had to stay strong and keep hope alive within him. But he was close to breaking.
'It's not like they'll miss a screw up like you anyway…' his thoughts poked at his too vulnerable heart again and Lace winced. He could feel the prickle of tears well up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He had to stay strong. The thoughts only pressed more and more on him and he stood up shakily. Maybe walking around the castle was a better idea than staying in his cramped room after all. The walls seemed to be closing in around him as he grabbed his blanket and hurried out the door.
'Not good enough.'
'Never good enough.'
'Why are you here?'
'Step down.'
'Keith's still the better pilot.'
'They don't need you anymore.'
"Blue doesn't want you.'
'Red doesn't want you.'
'Allura's replaced you.'
Unknowingly, Lance broke unto a run as he pulled he blanket tighter over his shoulders, over his head, hands to his ears to block out the thoughts. Why was he feeling like this? He didn't want to feel like this. Why were the thoughts in his head making so much sense? He wanted to deny everything he was thinking. He was appreciated. These people were his friends. he was a pilot and they respected him for that. Keith wanted him to pilot Red. So why did it all feel like a lie? Why did he feel so hollow right now? He didn't know what he was doing here. It felt like forever ago, but he remembered what he had said to Coran all those nights ago.
"I know we're supposed to be brave paladins and defenders, or whatever, but honestly? I just want to go home." He missed home so much, but he wouldn't dare admit it to anyone. He didn't want to complain. The rest had just as much to deal with as he did, so why should he get to say anything. Like Keith said, they all had some sort of family on Earth and he wasn't going to complain when the rest were probably hurting just as much or more than he was. Lance finally felt his legs slow to a stop and he looked around, realizing that he had ended up on the bridge. Looking out at the stars made him feel just as bad as he thought. Earth was still so far and they were only flying farther as time went on. The ache in his chest flared up again and he clutched a hand over his heart, his knuckled turning white at how tightly he was holding the fabric. Silently he walked over to the glass and slid down, making himself stare out into the mass of black emptiness. Vaguely, Lance remembered looking up at the stars from his home in Cuba and feeling absolute awe at their vastness and beauty. Now, Lance chuckled lamely at the thought. What he wouldn't give in order to be able to see blue skies and his ocean again. His mom, his dad, his sibling, his nephew and niece, his grandparents. He would give anything to see them again, but if it meant they were safe, he would gladly sacrifice himself to ensure that. He would die over and over if it meant the Galra Empire wouldn't lay a finger on them.
"They won't miss me… They'll be ok…" Lance whispered to himself. It was then that Lance felt something crack. It sounded and felt like he was stepping on thin ice and every breath from his body only made the cracks in the ice larger. Tears tracked down his face before Lance knew what was happening and he felt his entire body shake with the force of his sobs. Biting his cheek, Lance tried to choke back down his sobs but being strong was so hard… why was he trying? He wasn't strong, he was weak. He was the weakest at home. He was the weakest on the team. He was the weakest in spirit. But that was fine right now. He could allow himself this moment to be weak. There was nothing wrong with that right now. And with that, Lance let out a heart wrenching scream and pounded at the glass in front of him. He cried and screamed for the time lost with his family, for what he would have to do in the name of peace, for the loss, and last of all, for himself.
He knew he was being selfish, but he didn't care right now. This was probably going to be the last time he would be able to cry like this. He screamed his heart out to the world until his throat was hoarse, nails scrabbling at the smooth glass and hand pounding at it until he could see blood. After what seemed like an eternity, he fell silent and he looked out at the stars again. For a moment, just a moment…they looked familiar. Smiling weakly, he leaned his forehead against the glass and just let himself breathe. He looked down at his bloodied hands and felt a sort of peace settle over him. Yes. He was a soldier and he was willing to die in this war if that was what it took. He wouldn't be looking for death, but if it just so happened to find him in a fight, he would go down swinging and hopefully save a life or two. It was enough. It had to be enough. He couldn't afford to want more than that.
"I'm ready to die in this war if I have to." He whispered softly to himself and looked out at the stars again. He then heard the sudden pounding of footsteps down coming towards him, but he really couldn't find it in himself to care.
"Lance?" Lance smiled as softly as he looked up at the stars. Yeah. He really was weak, but there was nothing wrong with that.
END
I wrote this in an hour, I am running on about 3 hours of sleep because my cat tried to eat my face in my sleep, and I have essays due.
As always, read, review and stay true.
I'm off to bed