Don't worry, I'll finish Bombshell eventually. But I have so many stories brewing, I had to get this one started!

This starts with the conversation between Amanda and Olivia in Decaying Morality, but takes a little detour.

"A yoga retreat in Costa Rica…" Olivia repeated, dreamily, happy to have her only female coworker back in the city, but happier that Amanda was able to get away for a while and decompress after the grueling trial that convicted her rapist.

"It was the furthest I could get away from New York… and Atlanta," Amanda replied. "It was good."

"Work through some stuff?" Oliva met Amanda's eyes with gentleness, but also seriousness so she knew the question was important.

Amanda nodded. "It was therapeutic. We were um… we were meditating on the summit of this volcano and the yogi comes over, and taps me on my shoulder. I didn't even tense up."

Olivia smiled. "Good for you!"

"Yeah."

"And now that you're back, you'll continue with therapy?"

"Look, I am so sorry for what I put y'all through…"

"No Amanda, I'm sorry for what you put yourself through," Olivia said, genuinely.

Amanda nodded, welcoming Olivia's warmth and empathy.

"And you and Nick?" Olivia continued, cautiously. "Are you two going to be okay?"

Amanda looked up and searched Olivia's eyes, unsure as to whether she was talking about her recent arguments with Nick or if she was implying that she knew about their short-lived affair.

Olivia's lips curled into a half-smile when Amanda's silence dragged on. She sipped her coffee. "It's okay, Amanda. You're not the first detective to bring home a married co-worker."

Amanda's head jolted a bit and Olivia quickly realized the slip she made.

"I mean, I lived with a co-worker, remember?" Olivia added, too quickly.

Amanda eyed her boss once again. "You said married. Cassidy wasn't married… And you weren't working together when y'all lived together..."

"I know," Olivia said. "I was just talking about Nick and it—"

"Your old partner," Amanda interrupted, leaning in with a smile.

"No! No no no…"

Amanda shook her head in disbelief. "You totally slipped, Liv! Admit it! You slept with your old partner! Fin says they always gave y'all crap about it but nothing ever happened. But it did, didn't it?" Olivia rolled her eyes and she looked out the window to avoid eye contact. "What was his name?... Erik… Ellias… El…"

"Elliot."

"ELLIOT! Elliot Stabler! You had an affair with Stabler! I've seen pictures, Liv. You could do much, much worse… I bet that was—"

"We're not talking about me, Amanda," Olivia warned, trying to change the subject.

"So you did?"

"I didn't say that."

"Oh my god, Liv. Come on! Fin says you two were like an old married couple!"

"But we weren't!"

It came out more aggressively than she meant it. It silenced Amanda, but only for a moment before she leaned in again.

"Fine. Then I didn't sleep with Nick."

Olivia looked back at Amanda sternly. "You lying to your captain, Detective Rollins?"

Amanda shrugged. "I learned everything from her," she quipped, and Olivia couldn't help but to laugh at the jab.

"Look, Liv. Honestly, I look up to you a ton and knowing that you've made the same mistakes I did… I don't know. It's comforting, I guess. So, I don't care. I'm not going to tell anyone… Can we just be two girls getting coffee and gossip for a minute? It might be more therapeutic than anything."

Olivia couldn't believe that she had let it slip. In sixteen years she had never let it slip. Her stomach was in knots and she knew she could continue to deny it, but there was something about Amanda's friendship that she was drawn to, and she understood the sentiment of wanting some girl time.

She looked back at Amanda from the window with a knowing look. And the way Amanda's face fell told Olivia that she didn't hide her sadness as well as she hoped.

"You loved him, didn't you?" Amanda asked softly.

Still torn between holding something in she'd never let out before and confiding in her friend, Olivia tried to blow it off. "Of course I did," she huffed with a smile. "We were best friends."

Amanda just sat and nodded, waiting for Olivia to continue. When she realized Amanda wasn't buying it, Olivia's body slumped into a sigh. "Yeah. I did," she said. "I was in deep. Our partnership was one of the best SVU has ever seen—"

"So I hear."

"—but it wasn't healthy for either of us. In the end, it was everything to us. Sometimes it consumed us. It left no room for other relationships for me and it killed his family life… I tried to leave him once… When I realized how in love with him I was. Sometimes I think it would have been best if I'd been able to stay away."

"When was that?"

"Oh, about seven years into our partnership I guess. After a particularly difficult case."

"Were y'all sleeping together by that time?" Amanda pried.

Olivia laughed. "Oh yeah," she said. "That started long before. In our first year. We tried not to every time, but at some point we stopped fighting it. We told ourselves we needed it. It didn't start out as a romantic or love-thing… It was…"

"A raw and animalistic need?"

Olivia tried to suppress her smirk. "Yeah, most of the time, but not always. But it was always what we needed."

"How did it start?"

Olivia smiled as she thought back to that first year. She sipped her coffee. "I don't know, really… In the beginning we weren't even us yet… I mean, the dynamic duo you've probably heard of."

"Benson and Stabler."

"Yeah. That first year we were still getting to know each other, figuring out our rhythm. We were physically attracted to each other, of course, but it wasn't love, it was need, even then."

"No one else gets what you go through every day," Amanda chimed in, letting it be known that she understood.

Olivia nodded. "Elliot didn't talk to his wife about work and I would tend to take men home to screw my frustrations away with guys who had no idea what was going through my head."

Amanda nodded with her lips turned slightly. "Yeah, I've been there."

"I guess that first year it just started with innocent touches here and there," Olivia explained. "Nothing blatant or obvious, just small things that showed we were comfortable with each other. Then, during some long nights and hard cases we'd catch each other staring… Mostly him- looking at my ass or down my shirt. But I definitely wasn't innocent. He'd walk around in his boxer briefs in the cribs or locker rooms and—"

"Girl, I don't blame you," Amanda said. "I'd cop an eyeful too!"

Olivia laughed and rolled her eyes.

"So? How did it happen the first time? I want details!"

Olivia squinted a little as she thought through it. "I don't know if I should give you any ideas."

Amanda's eyebrows furrowed. "Ideas? What do you mean?"

Olivia tilted her head to the side and looked back out the window.

"Oh. My. God." Amanda exclaimed. "You two did it at the station, did you?"

Olivia opened her mouth to answer, but no words came out.

"OH! MY! GOD!" Amanda repeated. "Tell me every detail, Liv! Don't you dare leave anything out!"

Olivia sighed, her resolve diminishing. What can it hurt? She thought. Elliot's gone. It's not like their partnership was in jeopardy anymore. It was over. He ended it.

"I had taken men home from the bar and Elliot knew that. I didn't think he had a problem with it. He even asked me about sleeping with Cassidy and seemed like he didn't really care. It wasn't a big deal. But after a tough case one day, I was in the cribs talking to Monique, a detective who worked with us at the time. I had no idea that Elliot was at the door of the locker room."

"You need to go get a drink, Liv?" Monique asked. "I know this case took a toll on you."

Olivia shook her head and gathered her things for the shower. "No thanks, I'm gonna go to the bar from here and find a man who can handle me," She told her with a smirk. "I just need to get laid."

"Monique said goodbye and left as I headed for the locker room to take a shower and get ready for the bar. I got into my towel, thinking I was the only person in the locker room and put my clothes in my locker when I heard Elliot come up behind me."

Olivia continued to talk as she remembered how it all played out:

"Jesus, El!" Olivia yelped. "You scared me!"

Elliot had walked up behind her in jeans, but no shirt. Olivia scanned over his six-pack as she held her towel up over her breasts. He just stood there with his smoldering stare.

"What?" she asked

He stepped in closer, coming up so close he was breathing on her. "Don't go out tonight."

She looked back at him incredulously. "Excuse me?"

"You don't need to be going out and picking up strange men just to fuck all your problems away!"

"Fuck you, Elliot," Olivia punched back. "I'm not your daughter and you don't get to judge me." She turned back around and threw the rest of her belongings in the locker.

"I'm not judging you, Olivia. I just think it's dangerous and—"

"I can take care of myself, thanks," Olivia seethed. She slammed the locker and started to walk towards the shower.

"And those bar idiots don't know you, Liv!" Elliot argued as he followed her. "They're not connected with you! They don't know what you're going through or what it is you're fucking away! They can't help you."

She turned around at the entrance of the shower. "I don't need them to understand me, Elliot. I need them to fuck me. I need them to make me feel good for a few minutes so I can release some tension." She walked up to him confidently, just inches away from his chest, and spoke in a low, dark tone. "All I'm asking for is an orgasm, Elliot. Not some deep, meaningful connection. Just a nice, hard fuck. It the best way for me to relax."

"Yeah, I get the impulse, Liv. But it doesn't mean you have to act on it!"

"Says the man who can go home and act on it every night if he wants!"

Elliot took a step back as he laughed. "Are you kidding me?" he said. "You think I can go home and release my frustrations on Kathy? I'd scar her for life. I can't just walk into our bedroom and fuck the living hell out of her! She's too fragile!"

"Well, I'm sorry you're so tied down that you can't find your release but I need it. I need to feel good and think about what someone is doing to my body so I don't have to think about all the shit I've seen in the past few days with this goddam case! I need to forget. So think what you want about me but that's exactly what I'm going to the bar to find, El: someone to fuck the living hell out of me!"

Before she knew what was happening, Elliot's mouth crashed into hers. She squealed in shock. His tongue had found its way into her mouth by the time she realized what was going on.

She pulled back. "The hell?" Her eyes flicked back and forth between his wildly. He walked her backwards into the shower and reached for the towel's knot tied between her breasts.

"Holy shit," Amanda said.

Olivia laughed. "That was the first time. It was hot and rough and… he was right. It helped more than some stranger at the bar because we both knew what we were trying to soothe."

"Did y'all talk about it?"

Olivia caught her breath as Elliot slumped onto her shoulder, pinning her against the shower wall, his hand was still between them on her breast. She slid her hands up and down his muscular back. Knowing he must be feeling guilty, she used the motions to reassure and comfort him.

"You okay?" she asked quietly.

Elliot nodded and brought his face to hers. "I needed this too," he said, sliding his hand to her hip. "I wouldn't have been able to be like that with Kathy… ever." Concern crossed his face. "Did I hurt you?"

Olivia gave an amused smile. "No," she said with a laugh. "That was exactly what I needed." She brought her hands to his face. "But this can't happen again."

He nodded. "I know."

"Briefly," Olivia answered. "Right after. But then we didn't talk about it for at least a few years. It didn't happen again until our fifth year as partners.

"What made you break?" Amanda asked.

"Alex Cabot's death."

Amanda's face scrunched up. "Uhh… the ADA from my first year at SVU? I'm pretty sure she's alive and well, Liv."

Olivia laughed. "Yeah, well, she was in witness protection for a while," she explained. "Elliot and I were actually informed of what was going on, but for a few days we were sure she was dead. She was shot after drinks with Elliot and me. I held pressure on the wound, went to the ER, fell into Elliot's arms when they told us she was gone. He drove me home. Or at least I think he did. I honestly don't remember how we got home. I was in shock."

"You and Alex were close."

Olivia nodded. "Yeah… All I remember was realizing he was helping me take my coat off, then he led me to my bathroom to wash my hands off… they still had her blood on them. When he finished, we went to my bedroom and he picked out a tee shirt and sweatpants for me to change into and handed them to me.

"Get dressed for bed," Elliot said. "I'll get you some water."

He left her room and shut the door to give her privacy. Olivia put the comfortable clothes on and sat on her bed with her legs tucked up to her chest. Elliot walked back in moments later and sat next to her, setting a glass of water on her bedside table.

"Will you stay?" Olivia asked, her voice strained as tears welled in her eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia nodded. "El?"

"Yeah."

Her voice broke and she wept as she asked, "Will you hold me?"

Elliot moved immediately and took his partner into his arms, sitting next to her and allowing her head to rest on his chest as she cried into him. He held her head and stroked her hair back as he fought his own tears. They laid down in that same position, her head on his tear-soaked chest and she mindlessly draped her leg over his.

They woke up in that same position two hours later. She gasped and started to lose control of her breathing. Grasping at her chest, she laid back on her pillow and tried to focus on her breath, but each time she closed her eyes, the image of Alex slipping away beneath her hands haunted her.

"Hey hey hey…" Elliot said gently. He turned to face her and cupped her face, prodding her to turn her head and look at him. "Hey… it's okay. You're here. I'm with you. It was a dream."

Tears fell down Olivia's cheeks when she pinched her eyes closed and shook her head. She held on to Elliot's forearm. "I can't believe she's gone." Olivia cried. "I can't stop thinking about her… about that moment on the street…"

"I know," Elliot whispered. He brought his forehead to hers. "Me either."

Olivia's hand traveled from his forearm to his bicep and pulled him slightly, bringing him the tiniest bit closer to her.

"I see her every time my eyes close," Elliot confessed. "Every time."

He felt Olivia nod in agreement as her hand slipped up to his head and she sweetly stroked his closely-cropped hair. Resisting every urge to kiss her as their breathing aligned, his hand slowly moved from her cheek, to her neck, between her breasts, until he grasped a fistful of her tee shirt at her abdomen, forcing himself to stop his hand from doing anything else.

Olivia's other hand slid under his undershirt, contradicting her words as she whispered. "We can't…"

Elliot sighed and let his head drop to her shoulder. "I know," he whispered back.

More tears escaped as her hand moved higher up his back under his shirt. Elliot lifted his head to look at her. He brought his hand back to her face and used his thumb to wipe the tears away. Her hand stroked back down his back and she pulled him closer.

It took every ounce of strength to send out his warning. "Liv…"

"I know," she said. "God, I'm sorry." She removed her hand from his back and pushed him away slightly at his chest so she could look directly into his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"You just… you feel good. And I need…"

"To feel good. I know. Trust me." Elliot unintentionally looked down over her body, which, even covered in clothes that were too big, was perfect. "I know."

Olivia nodded and exhaled a weepy breath.

"I miss her so much," she said, as more tears came once again. She began to shake with her cries and Elliot's tears finally came as well, though few.

He hated that he couldn't fix this. He hated to see the strongest woman he knew break down. He circled his arms around her and held her tighter.

"Shh…" he hissed. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."

Suddenly his lips were tasting her tears on her cheeks and he didn't care that they said it wouldn't happen again. They both felt helpless and needed to do something, anything. And if this took the pain away even for a fleeting moment, then it's what they needed.

There was no foreplay, nothing unnecessary. It wasn't rough, nor was it gentle. It was powerful. Close. Intimate.

"Damn," Amanda said. "That's… intense."

"It was," Olivia agree. "That's something Elliot and I had in common. We're both very intense in our own ways. We never talked about it that time. We just fell asleep, slept through the night, and went to work the next morning."

"Is that when you knew you were in love with him?"

Olivia smiled. "No," she answered. "Not yet. We were definitely best friends by that point and it was the most intimate we had ever been, but I hadn't hit the point of no return. Or, it hadn't hit me. I never saw it coming."

"Did it become a regular thing after that?" Amanda asked.

"Not quite. It only happened one other time that year."

"What happened that time?"

Olivia bit her lip. "That time?" she started. "That time was all me. And to this day, one of the top 5 on my best sex list."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Spill!"