Cast the first stone
I wanted to try something a bit different, so although this is about Peter/Carla, she's only directly in it briefly. It's based on events up to the first week of January, but isn't based on any spoilers: I just thought it would be an interesting angle to explore…
"Enjoy the panto then, Si"
Standing at Ken and Deirdre's front door and bracing himself against the cold, Peter made sure that Simon's scarf was fastened tightly.
"I will" Simon replied, clearly excited, despite trying to play it cool. "Why aren't you coming dad?"
"Can't today mate. But eh.." He leant over, ruffling his son's hair. "you can tell me all the best jokes when you get back"
Then taking Leanne's hand, Simon followed Deirdre, Tracey and Amy as they hurried to the tram stop.
.
Peter waved until they disappeared around the corner. Then he finally allowed himself to properly feel the disappointment he'd been hiding for hours.
Claiming a headache that morning, he'd given Deirdre his pantomime ticket - she'd jumped at the chance to go instead. The plan had only occurred to him at the last minute: he would surprise Carla with a spontaneous afternoon together.
Lately he'd thought about her more than ever, wanting to spend every minute with her, fantasising about the taste of her lips, the feel of her skin against his. With their meetings so furtive now, he longed for the freedom he'd felt that first day, walking with her in the park, believing their life together had already begun.
With the trial coming, life seemed much more complicated these days. Seeing Carla struggling so much, he wanted to put a smile on her face again. To sweep her away to somewhere they could be together publicly. To forget everything for a whole afternoon.
Then suddenly, all plans were off.
Just after he'd texted her at lunchtime, he had seen her with Michelle on the street. Exchanging a superficially casual greeting she'd touched her left ear – the signal they'd agreed to mean she had other plans and couldn't see him. Walking past, she'd sneaked a glance back, and he felt the familiar thrill as their eyes met. He longed to prove his love to her again, even as his cowardice kept them apart.
So, resenting the long and empty afternoon stretching ahead, Peter had accepted his dad's offer of a coffee instead. He knew he hadn't spent enough time with Ken lately. At least he could put that right.
.
Dejectedly walking back into the living room, he forced a smile and sat at the table as Ken poured the coffee.
Handing him a cup, his dad spoke first, lowering his voice confidentially although only the two of them were home.
"Much as I love having Tracey and Amy here, I do enjoy the quiet moments"
Peter smiled.
"Not many of them at our place either".
A short silence followed, awkwardly broken by Ken clearing his throat.
"I invited you over because I wanted to talk to you Peter. And to apologise. Before the memorial, I knew you were struggling with that speech…you told me and I didn't listen."
Peter leaned forward, trying to stop this dangerous line of conversation before it began. In this house, so mundane and ordinary, his secret seemed to weigh even more heavily on him.
"No, forget it dad. That's all in the past now…"
But Ken interrupted him.
"Let me finish, Peter. I need to say…. how proud I am of you.". His voice was slightly gruff, as if embarrassed by the sudden frankness. "That night, we were all so worried and I was angry, but I should have had more faith in you. You've been like a new man since that night."
Peter shrank awkwardly into his seat, embarrassed at the undeserved praise. If only his dad knew what – or who - had brought him back from the brink. Who made him look forward to every day again.
"Leanne said you're going to meetings more often now too. I'm so glad you're working through this together". Ken smiled benevolently.
Peter couldn't help but wince. How typical that his dad had decided now to praise him. After years where his weaknesses were centre stage, his successes barely worth a mention, his dad chose now, just as he'd made his worst transgression yet. If only he knew. Well, everyone would know soon enough.
Noticing his silence, Ken looked curious.
"Is something wrong Peter?"
"No. I mean thanks." Peter couldn't help the guilt from seeping into his voice. "I don't want to dwell on it … just taking it day by day you know. Like they say in the group."
But his words had taken him right back to the group and the evening Carla had spoken.
How she'd stood up, fearful and trembling, breaking his heart as she told strangers she sometimes wondered if it was her fault. How she'd admitted hitting rock bottom, the pills she'd 'swallowed down like smarties', when he was too cowardly to help her. How she'd called him a good friend, when all he'd done was let her down. And how he'd known then that he could never let her down again.
He'd thought a lot lately about how to break the news to everyone when the time came, but every word of Ken's made him realise just how hard it was going to be. Yet he'd never felt surer of anything in his life. Carla was his future now, his marriage was over, and everyone would have to understand that. After the trial.
Yet Ken still continued, oblivious.
"I know. I'm just glad you and Leanne are so happy."
Peter sighed. Would this ever end?
Pretending to need more milk, he took his mug into the kitchen. He leaned his head against the wall, closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He focused on how much Carla needed him to stay calm, and how it would all be worth it soon.
.
But when he turned round, Ken was standing there, at the kitchen door, watching him. His expression was no longer kind. He looked intently at Peter.
"There's more to this than you're saying, isn't there?"
Peter could have kicked himself for underestimating his dad again. When it came to cheating, who could be more perceptive. Staring at the floor, he tried one more time to evade the issue.
"It's fine dad. Can we just leave it?"
But Ken wouldn't be sidetracked
"Is it Leanne? Has something happened?"
Folding his arms defensively, he found himself getting angry now.
"Nothing's happened, alright".
"You can talk to me, Peter. I'll listen this time. And I can keep a secret".
Peter laughed bitterly.
"Yes, you kept Leanne's secret well enough, didn't you."
"This can't be about Nick still?" Ken sounded incredulous. "Surely we've moved past that?"
Peter shrugged, seizing on something that would be easier to admit.
"It's hard to forgive."
"But in the summer when we spoke.." Ken spoke slowly, putting the pieces together. "you said it was yourself you didn't trust. Not Leanne"
Peter couldn't conceal his shock and shame quickly enough. He tried to recover but knew from the dismay on his dad's face that it was too late. His dad's look of disappointment was as familiar to him as breathing.
"You haven't, Peter… Not an affair….?"
"I don't want to talk about this" he insisted, storming out of the kitchen, picking up his jacket to leave.
But Ken had moved to the hallway entrance, blocking the way out, his face dark with anger.
"If this is true Peter… If you've been having an affair.. since the summer."
Peter tried to put up some defence, feeble as it was.
"Not since the summer."
"So you admit it then." Ken's contempt grew. "To think I was praising you." Then it dawned on him.
"And you were with her that memorial night, weren't you. I remember how you acted the day after."
"Yes. I was." Peter finally looked his dad in the eye. "Not that you've got any right to judge me."
He continued, finding strength in finally admitting it aloud.
"I was with her that night. And I love her."
Breathing heavily, he sat down at the table again, pressing his head against his palm. He'd kept this secret for so long, it was almost a relief to be able to tell someone about it at last.