Hard chapter to write, maybe harder to read. Just remember; I like happy endings.
Set many years in the future although I have tried to remain true to their original characters but this is set in the future and they are now much older so I have tried to reflect that.
Please, Please don't apologise for only reviewing once or only now and then. One review is appreciated no matter how small, please don't feel guilty, I'm so grateful. If you can or have taken the time to leave a comment, even a quick one – THANK YOU x
Penny sat on the edge of the bed staring at her hands. She wanted to call Leonard, she wanted to tell him to come home but she didn't want to tell him until she had to. For all his strength he was still a worrier and this was something he couldn't just fix and she wasn't ready to deal with his fears when she felt so overwhelmed by her own. Instead she sat there going over and over in her head what the Doctor had told her, she remembered some of the words: early detection; radio and chemotherapy; survival rates; and the C word.
She was still sat there two hours later when Leonard got home; they were both semi retired now but he still did some bits and pieces at the University and today he'd been invited to unveil their new laser; he may be in his 60's but he was still a kid at heart and the opportunity to play with a new gadget was too good to miss. She saw him drive up as she watched through their bedroom window, she smiled when she saw their eldest daughter Shelly pull up behind him; they were so close, and so alike, Penny loved her daughter; she was a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful young woman and mother, but she loved her just as much because of how much she reminded her of Leonard. Shelly was based at the University now, a professor of physics in her own right, Leonard and Shelly had spent an endless number of meals discussing, arguing and debating the latest research over the dinner table; until Penny would threaten to withhold dessert unless they calmed down. They would both grin lopsidedly at her and say they were passionate not angry; she'd smile back indulgently and pass around the chocolate cake or ice-cream as they started up again.
Penny took a deep breath and put everything out of her mind, as she came downstairs to greet them with a smile, Leonard came in and greeted Penny distractedly with a kiss on the cheek as he shook of his jacket and headed to warm his hands on the open fire; he would never get used to England in February. Penny watched as he turned to warm his back on the fire, trying to defrost, he caught her eye and winked at her, grinning.
"Hey mum," her very English sounding daughter greeted her with a quick hug.
"Hey guys, coffee's on. Shelly, are you staying for dinner?" Penny asked moving into the open plan kitchen.
"No, I can't, I have to pick the boys up from the childminder tonight, Gary is at rehearsals until 9; I promised them a movie and a pizza as a treat. We'll be over Sunday for dinner, unless you and dad want to come to us for a change?"
"Oh we can't this weekend we're meeting up with everyone in London remember?" Penny told her as she started to stir the stew she had on a low boil.
"Is that this weekend?" Shelly asked her with a frown, "Oh, I thought it was next."
"No, next weekend is the awards ceremony in Oxford that I'm desperately trying to avoid. You know lots of stuffy old professors talking science and blah blah blah – because I don't get enough of that at home." She said glancing at her daughter as she rolled her eyes dramatically in a teasing voice.
"Hey!" Leonard exclaimed smiling as he walked through into the kitchen to cuddle his wife from behind as she stirred their dinner. "How can you say that, when the last one in Oxford went so went so well?"
"Ugh, if you two are making out, I'm off to stick my head in an oven" Shelly joked, secretly proud of how close her parents' relationship was.
"Oh hey, while I think of it," Leonard began as he moved to the island counter and started to pour the coffee for everyone, "I was wondering if you fancied coming to see the Frankton exhibit over Easter, it's in Liverpool. Penny what do you think? Shelly, the kids are off school so I thought we could invite your brother Howie, Jo and their kids and make a short vacation out of it. What do you think?"
"No. I er, I don't think we can" Penny said simply, staring down at her mug of coffee for a second before getting up from the counter to stir the stew, putting her back to the others so no-one could see her face. "Besides I'm sure I heard Joanne say they might be going to her parents for a few days. Maybe we better wait and see." She tried to sound casual but to her own ears her voice sounded forced. Leonard frowned slightly and glanced at Shelly who shrugged slightly to show her surprise at Penny's reaction. "How did the opening go?" Penny asked hoping to change the subject. Leonard and Shelly then proceeded to explain at great length how the new laser would be asset to the university, although they obviously had different ideas on which research should receive priority access, but it took the focus off Penny and for that she was grateful.
It wasn't until much later that night, when they were snuggled up on the sofa that Leonard finally remembered her strange reaction. He pulled her closer to him protectively and started to stroke her hair. She sensed what was coming but she was glad he had waited until now. "Penny. Is everything okay? You seemed a little distracted today and..." he stopped when he realised actually he wasn't sure what he was going to say. Usually if she was distracted it was because of something obvious like a book launch or because she was caught up with planning their next adventure; this time he didn't know the reason and it bothered him. "...well, is everything okay?"
She sighed and pulled out from under his arm, twisting on the sofa to look at him she took his hand "No," she told him simply, "it's not."
She explained about the lump she'd found in her breast last weekend when he was in Iceland, how she thought it was nothing but went and got it checked just to put her mind at rest. She told him she'd forgotten about it until she got a call from the Doctor today asking if she could come in. She told him what she remembered of what the Doctor said, that they were lucky, it had been caught early, and that she was still young and... She stopped when she realised she wasn't sure what to say; she just felt so numb.
For the worst three seconds of her life, Leonard said and did nothing. She could see the colour had drained from his face and the battle of emotions reflected in his eyes as he struggled with the implications of what she had told him. He pulled her to him and held her tightly, trying to put his thoughts in order.
"But you, I mean we...we can beat this right?" He asked her shakily, "I mean you said it was early stages, we...we have options? we can look at treatments...er...maybe talk to Bernadette about what drugs her company..." he was babbling, but couldn't stop; he wanted to scream.
"Shhhh. Leonard don't..." Penny told him softly, "Please don't do this, I ..."
"Don't what? Don't look at options? Don't discuss treatments?" he knew he was panicking and he knew it was the wrong thing to do but right now he couldn't think of what else to do; he couldn't lose her. He had to fix this.
"Leonard stop." He could tell she was close to tears so he fought down the need to pace the room and call every Doctor and specialist in this country and the US. "I need you to not freak out on me, because I'm barely holding it together right now and..." her voice shaking, "...and if you fall apart, I don't think I can get through this."
Her words brought everything back into focus for him, and he swallowed his own fear and just held her and told her everything would be okay, while she cried. He tried desperately to just keep breathing when he felt as though his world had just collapsed around him.
They made love slowly that night, as Leonard tried to put all his love into that one tender act. They lay in each other's arms afterwards, just taking strength from the closeness they felt. Eventually, Penny drifted off to sleep but Leonard just stared at the ceiling for hours, going over and over in his head how unfair it was. Eventually, not wanting to disturb her, he eased himself out of bed and went downstairs to make a drink. Not bothering with the coffee machine he turned on the kettle and dug out the instant de-caf as it started to boil. He stood stirring the coffee, not really seeing what he was doing as the waves of panic and fear washed over him; he just kept coming back to the fact that it wasn't fair. They worked hard, they were good people, Penny was good people, they didn't deserve t his – she, didn't deserve this. Getting angry now he resisted the urge to pace; he wanted to hit something. For the first time in his life he actually wanted to fight, to hit out and hurt someone or something as he was hurting; but he knew that wasn't who he was: so instead he went into his office at the back of the house and broke things. He threw the empty mug first, enjoying the satisfying crash it had made but he needed more. Next he smashed a lamp, just punched it right off the table, before sweeping all his books and papers right off the desk; scattering them across the room. He punched and kicked out at the filing cabinet several times, not noticing the pain, just anger and hatred. Anger at everything: the unfairness; at universe; at a God he didn't really believe in; at everyone and everything. Hatred that he couldn't fix this, that no matter how well this ended the next few months she was going to suffer and there was not a damn thing he could do to prevent it. He tore into his bookcase, knocking treasured volumes off the shelves not caring, he turned and swept everything off the window ledge and hurled the carriage clock at the mirror hoping it would smash into tiny pieces that would somehow cut him so badly he would pass out with the pain. Instead it slid down and knocked down the one thing left on the mantelpiece; the one thing he wouldn't touch. He stopped suddenly ashamed, the anger gone, as he walked carefully through the debris of his office and picked up the photo frame. He sat down heavily in his big office chair and just looked guiltily at the picture of Penny and himself on their wedding day.
He didn't remember Sarah taking the picture; but then he hadn't seen anything but Penny that day. He knew it was taken towards the end of the evening, the music had died down and people were starting to leave, but he just hadn't wanted that night to end. They'd been dancing slowly in each other's arms when he'd learned forward and whispered a question about this something blue she'd mentioned earlier, she'd giggled naughtily just as Sarah took the snap, oblivious to the conversation between them. He'd never told anyone the story behind that smile; but whenever someone remarked how happy they looked, how radiant and in love, he would thank you them with a cheeky grin and a twinkle in his eye as he thought of their first night as a married couple.
He stared at the picture of the two of them, so full of hopes and dreams for the future that they didn't think anything could stop them; and now... As the tears finally began he drew up his knees onto the chair and cried, sobbing desperately, rocking himself gently as he hugged the picture of them in Hawaii.