This is actually an essay I wrote in my writing class. Scary, I know. The prompt is as follows: In Hollywood, screen writers sometimes pitch their idea to producers by saying, "it's like Movie A meets Movie B." This means the idea combines elements of two well-known movies into an entirely new movie. Imagine blending two of your favorite movies by combining parts from each movie. Write a brief version of the story that would emerge.

I blame my teacher for encouraging my over-active imagination. Obviously this is further proof that large amounts of caffeine affect me for more than one day.

No offense meant if you take offense to any of this. (Whatever that meant. Just kidding!)

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Harry Potter Meets Lord of the Rings: A Gollum Story

Gollum lived with his horrible Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin, whom he threatened to eat almost daily. One day, a giant named Hagrid came to tea.

"Congratulations, Gollum! You're a wizard!"

Gollum's family was shocked.

"He can't be a wizard, he's part Hobbit! Hobbits aren't magical."

"Well, precious, I mussst be a very ssspecial form of Hobbitses."

So Gollum and Hagrid went off to London and bought Gollum a brand new loin-cloth.

Gollum then apperated to Hogwarts to meet the headmaster, Sauron.

Gollum made lots of friends including Trevor the Toad, Sirius Black, Pippin Took, and Orlando Bloom. He introduced them all to his alter-ego, Smeagol, and broke his set of gob-stones on Pippin's head.

Trevor the Toad was a spy. He was really working for the Dark Lord Dumbledore. Dumbledore was currently living in Gandalf's eyebrows, from which he was working on a formula for mass hypnosis. Like any other smart dictator he tested these concoctions on his anorexic minions, the Ring Eaters.

Gollum and his friends formed a fellowship, bent on destroying Dumbledore. They traveled all over Hogwarts on some kind of bizarre scavenger hunt, looking for three-headed dogs, talking trees, and fish-eating chess pieces. They eventually found them all.

The fellowship of the fish, as Gollum and his friends were called, soon discovered the chamber of secretses, which was where Dumbledore and Gandalf were conveniently hiding. A battle ensued. Gollum's side however, held the advantage because they had Orlando Bloom. Even Dumbledore had to admit that Orlando Bloom's side always won.

Unfortunately the Potions teacher, Professor Voldemort, turned traitor and tried to join forces with Gandalf, Dumbledore, and all the evil Ring Eaters. But like ever evil traitor Voldemort was killed by Gollum's presumably homosexual sidekick, Trevor the Toad. Trevor then repented from his traitorous ways.

The fellowship of the fish was triumphant and every inhabitant of Gondor came out to have a parade. Pippin threw candy at the little children and Gollum in turn ate the little children.

Sirius was just glad there was a happy ending.

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After this essay was read aloud, the entire class decided by unanimous vote that I need medication and therapy.

Again, all blame goes to my teacher for encouraging me.