Fatal Incompatibility.
Disclaimer: None of this is mine.
Summary: James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)
Chapter 1: Erstwhile Angels
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett
James Potter raised his head slowly when three boys burst into his compartment on the Hogwarts Express. "We've found you!" shouted Sirius joyfully, grabbing his best friend and swirling him around in the air,
"Sirius, put me down!" James cried in exasperation. looking pleadingly over Sirius' shoulder at Remus and Peter who were laughing in the doorway. Finally, Sirius dropped his friend on the floor, beaming happily,
"Ah, it's good to be back!"
"We haven't even left the station yet." Remus laughed, frowning at Sirius, who smiled unconcernedly,
"But I've left The Dominatrix behind for another 9 months." Sirius grinned happily, but Peter winced,
"I do wish you wouldn't call her that." James cocked an eyebrow at him, "What? It's just that Dominatrix has such…strange…connotations."
"That's a long word for you, Pete." Remus joked.
James stretched wildly, his jumper riding up so you could see his wrists; he was pleased to be back with his friends.
"James, what's that?" Remus demanded, pointing at James' left wrist.
"What?" James looked about, before he realised where Remus was looking, Sirius and Peter stared at his wrist too and James pulled down his jumper self-consciously covering up a nasty cut which started at his wrist and disappeared underneath his blue jersey, "Oh, that. I was playing with my cousin, he's only little and I fell into a rose bush. I swear that thing is almost as violent as the Whomping Willow." He grinned at his friends and they took to admiring his arm,
"You're going to have an amazing scar mate!" Sirius grinned,
"Thank goodness I've never been to your garden." Peter joked, looking incredibly relieved.
Remus looked searchingly at James for a moment, wondering if he was imagining a circle of dark shading under his chin but he shook his head and smiled as James handed him a card. He looked at it for a moment and then his eyes widened, "Wow, James. The limited edition Willie Wonka chocolate frog card! I've been searching for this for ever!"
James rolled his eyes at Remus' awed expression, "I know Remus – that's why I gave it to you." James made eye contact with Sirius and tried hard not to snort with laughter at the boy's satirical impersonation of Remus' wide-eyed glee.
"So, Remus," Peter finally said, trying to tear Remus away from his chocolate frog card, Remus was now muttering something along the lines of being complete and was just about to croon,
"Where have you been all my life?" when Peter completed his sentence,
"When do you have to go to the Prefect's compartment?" Sirius jumped so high James thought he would go through the ceiling,
"Why do you need to go to the Prefect's compartment?" He asked suspiciously and Remus looked sheepish,
"James, did Remus tell you anything I should know about?" Asked Sirius, his voice rising,
"No, my dear friend, it seems some important information is being kept from us." James replied, also raising his voice theatrically.
"Shut it guys." Remus snapped, "Iwasmadeaprefect." He mumbled quickly,
"What was that Remus, old buddy, old pal?" Asked Peter sweetly,
"Iwasmadeprefect." Remus mumbled again, now blushing a furious shade of red. James raised his eyebrow at Sirius,
"Now, he's getting all cocky on us, 'I was made perfect' indeed!"
Peter and Sirius let out short gasps of laughter and Remus scowled at James,
"I was made prefect, alright?" His voice practically spitting in indignation, James, Sirius and Peter looked at each other,
"Ooooooooooo" They said in unison, "Why didn't you say so earlier?" Remus scowled and scooping up a handful of Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans threw them at the other three's heads. A ferocious fight ensued, forever called in the minds of witnesses 'the-fight-in-which-the-other-use-of-Bertie-Botts-was-discovered' or 'the-war-of-flavours' for short.
"A friend in power is a friend lost." Henry Adams.
Lily Evans had just arrived at the door to the Prefect's compartment when Remus Lupin suddenly barrelled into the back of her.
"Oops. Sorry Lily." Remus mumbled bashfully, Lily smiled at him,
"No problem, it's a good thing someone is excited about the first Prefect meeting of the term."
Lily waved at her friend Artis and then turned to Remus, walking into the compartment, "Congratulations on getting Prefect."
"Yeah, you too. Did you have a good holiday?"
"It was alright I guess. I'm pleased to be back." The two sat on seats at the back of the compartment and waited for the rest to arrive, waving at familiar faces as they came in, "Did you do anything special?" Remus opened his mouth to reply but at that moment the Head Boy and Girl called the meeting to order and both of the two turned to the front, excited about their first meeting.
About half way through Lily suddenly turned to Remus and muttered out of the corner of her mouth, "Remus, did you know you have red and orange spots on your forehead?" She smiled slightly as Remus flushed and mouthed
"Bertie Bott fight," while wiping at his forehead, "Better?" He asked, Lily tried to hold back a laugh,
"Yes." She didn't think it would be nice to tell him that although the spots had gone there was now a big red stripe across his head from where he had been scrubbing.
"Now, I'm sure you all know everyone, but just in case." the new head girl stood up, "I'm Amelia Bones, Head Girl, and I'm in Ravenclaw." She sat down and the head boy stood up,
"I'm Amos Diggory, Head Boy, and I'm in Hufflepuff." He sat down and one by one all the other people in the room stood up to introduce themselves so that in the end the fifth year prefects were the only ones who hadn't introduced themselves. A sallow skinned boy stood up, his hooked nose stood out from his face,
"Severus Snape," He sneered, "Prefect, and Slytherin." He smirked proudly, glared at Lily and sat down. Remus scowled and whispered under his breath
"How did he make Prefect?" Lily didn't answer, instead she stood up and smiling embarrassedly said quietly,
"Lily Evans, Prefect, and Gryffindor." She sat down just before a flush rose onto her face, Remus stood up next to her, fortunately for him without a red mark on his forehead,
"Remus Lupin," he opened his mouth to say "prefect" but somehow the words came out wrong "Perfect!" Remus flushed and several people started to giggle. Suddenly he heard a muffled laughing coming from the other side of the door, he yanked it open and James, Sirius and Peter fell in, laughing hysterically, Remus glared at them, and James looked up, tears of joy almost running down his cheeks,
"Perfect!" he spluttered, and immediately Remus said,
"Remus Lupin," he clapped his hands to his mouth, and looked set to throttle James and Sirius and Peter, all at once. "What did you do?" He demanded furiously,
"Simple word association charm, you hear Remus Lupin,"
"Perfect," Remus said, then clenched his teeth when he realised what he'd just said,
"And you have to say 'Perfect'"
"Remus Lupin" Amos Diggory had to hold Remus back when he realised that he'd said something once again,
"And it works the same the other way round!" Sirius laughed, apparently unperturbed by his friend's murderous expression.
"Take it off." Remus commanded, his grey eyes narrowing.
"Fine, fine, Remus Lupin."
"Perfect. Ah! Take it off." Finally Lily took pity on Remus and as Sirius, James and Peter didn't seem capable of uttering a coherent sentence at the moment, let alone of saying a spell, she said impatiently, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth,
"Finite Incantatem" Remus smiled gratefully at her, before resuming his analysis of how he could hurt his friends the easiest. James noticed this finally and stood up abruptly,
"Sorry to interrupt, we'll leave you per…prefects to your important business." He winked at Remus and Amelia before dragging Sirius and Peter back to their compartment.
"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." Peter Ustinov
Finally, Remus was allowed out of the Prefect's meeting, and he returned to the Marauders' compartment, still fuming at the prank. Sure he saw the funny side, he shook his head, no, he didn't, focus on the anger, Remus, focus on the anger.
He entered the compartment and immediately turned on his three friends who at the sight of his furious face had started laughing again. "You are impossible; I don't know why I bother being your friend!"
"Come on Remus, you know you love us." Smiled Peter cajolingly,
"No! I don't, I hate you, all three of you. Especially you," He pointed at James,
"ME?" James screeched,
"Yes, I know what you were doing giving me that chocolate frog card now, you were distracting me" James paled slightly, but no one noticed, Sirius was attracting their attention,
"Nonsense, Reme old boy, we only cast the spell when you were at the Prefect's meeting."
"Oh." He paused to assimilate what this meant, "Sorry James,"
"Oh no, you're not getting out of this, I do something nice for you and then you accuse me of manipulation and distraction!" James pretended to pout, his face back to its normal colour. "Maybe I should just take the card back as you're so ungrateful."
"NO!" Remus gasped, "I'm sorry, don't take it back James, please." Remus started mumbling again about the card making him complete,
"Fine, you can keep it." James laughed,
"Yes, James you're the best!"
"James you're the best," Sirius mimicked in a silly voice, Remus punched him on the arm,
"Shut up, Sirius."
"Never!" James snorted at Sirius mock theatrical voice before Sirius hit Remus back and a full scale fight broke out, James started to back out but before he got away Sirius grabbed his ankle from his position on the floor, "Oh no, you're not getting out that easily."
James suddenly found himself in the middle of a ferocious battle between two of his best friends, he tried to block as well as he could and threw a few punches before he was caught full in the stomach with a nasty punch, automatically he curled into a ball, all the fight gone. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He whispered over and over, not able to stop himself, he began to rock back and forth slowly and flinched slightly when somebody stood over him.
"James, what are you doing?" Sirius asked cautiously and immediately James stopped, remembering where he was, he wasn't in danger. But Sirius, Remus and Peter were looking at him curiously, how would he get out of this one? He stood up quickly, a large smile plastered on his face, "Got you!" He shouted, "You should have seen your faces!" Sirius and Peter laughed,
"Good one, James!" Peter cried and Sirius pushed him on the shoulder in a friendly way, James stiffened slightly but no one seemed to notice. James looked up and his eyes caught Remus' brown ones looking at him anxiously, as if wondering whether to say something or not. James turned away, and in his usual cocky voice said, "I have a great idea for the start of term prank guys!" Immediately Remus stopped looking at him like he was something to be studied. He had his three friends in rapt attention, and he started to outline his idea.
"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country." - Clint Eastwood
Eventually the Hogwarts Express drew to a halt at Hogsmeade Station and pupils started to flood out of the train, there was a familiar call of "Firs' years! Follow me, Firs' years!" and the four Marauders called over to the giant man surrounded by nervous children,
"Hi Hagrid!" the huge man smiled at them benevolently before ushering the first years onto the small boats. Sirius, James, Peter and Remus all climbed into one of the horseless carriages and started to chat about their plan, so that in no time at all it was time to get off and go into the front hall.
They all automatically looked up as they entered the front hall and were pleased to see that Peeves wasn't anywhere to be seen, they all remembered how, last year, Peeves had soaked them all with water bombs. James looked left and right and suddenly ducked under a tapestry, whispering to Sirius, "I'll go talk to the House elves, save me a seat at the table." Sirius nodded once and looked around to see Remus, but he was already talking to Professor McGonagall, asking seriously about one of the holiday questions.
About three minutes later, Remus broke off from Professor McGonagall and headed over to where Sirius and Peter were waiting, "I couldn't stall her any longer; there are only so many questions you can ask about transfiguring porcupines into bowls." Sirius nodded in sympathy,
"Let's just hope it's long enough, we'd better get into the Great Hall."
About 2 minutes later James suddenly walked into the Great Hall looking slightly out of breath, he glanced at the teachers and then headed over to the Gryffindor table with the last of the stragglers, sliding into the seat Sirius had been saving him.
"Just in time, James." Peter whispered under his breath. James smiled and then feigned a complete interest in the sorting hat, cheering when someone was sorted into Gryffindor and hissing with the rest of them when someone was sorted into Slytherin.
Finally the last first year was sorted and Dumbledore stood up, his eyes looking around the hall over the top of his half-mooned glasses. "Let us eat."
A cheer went up around the hall and instantly food appeared on all the tables. The four fifth year Gryffindor boys started picking up food from the dishes surrounding them, looking surreptitiously at the Slytherin table. Suddenly a loud scream came from the source of their interest, a second year girl was hovering in the air with giant white wings sprouting from her back, a harp had appeared in her hands and she was suddenly singing "Gryffindor rules" at the top of her voice while her halo twinkled merrily. She was quickly joined by the rest of the table as each person who drank any pumpkin juice suddenly sprouted wings and took to the sky.
The Gryffindor table roared with laughter, especially when Snape started to sing, his eyes flashing angrily "Who are the kings of the school? Gryffindors are too cool!"
McGonagall looked torn between laughter and anger and the Marauders hoped she would stay like that for a while – the best was yet to come.
But the rest of the school never got to see what the Marauders had planned for the now angelic Slytherins as with a swish of his wand Dumbledore removed the wings, harps and halos from the erstwhile angels and the entire table found themselves sitting on their benches again. Almost instantly the entire table stood up and glared at the Marauders, who, knowing they had been busted, stood up and bowed haughtily at them. Professor McGonagall glared furiously at them and indicated that they were to go to her office immediately.
Remus hung his head and dragged his feet - he might just be the only Prefect ever to have lasted only one night. However, he decided to make the most of it and walked proudly out of the hall with the other three, amidst furious shouts from the Slytherins and cheers from the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables.
When they reached Professor McGonagall's office James knocked on the door and smiled at the others, "it's a shame that Dumbledore didn't wait a bit longer, it would have been funny when they all started to dance." Sirius and Peter snorted and Remus smiled a little, James flashed him a worried look, "You all right mate?"
Remus smiled despondently "I may just be the only person in the history of Hogwarts to only be prefect for one day."
"Well, actually less than that." Peter laughed,
"Don't worry about it mate." Sirius added, "Who are they going to give the prefect's badge to if they take it off you? We're the only ones they've got, and they can hardly not have a male 5th year Gryffindor prefect!"
"Besides if they try to give it to one of us we'll refuse! That badge is all yours." James smiled warmly at him and Remus began to see the logic in their argument.
At that moment Professor McGonagall stalked over to them and opened the door to her office, glaring at the four boys with tight lips. They followed her in and sat down opposite her on austere wooden chairs. Sirius contemplated conjuring a cushion but decided not to push his luck.
They enjoyed a staring match with McGonagall for a while but she soon frowned in impatience and said "I am very disappointed in all of you. Particularly you Mr Lupin, as a Prefect you should know better than to encourage such acts of immaturity and insolence." Remus hung his head in shame and James glowered at McGonagall,
"It wasn't Remus' fault Professor; it was mine and Sirus' idea."
"Admirable as your intention is Mr. Potter I'm afraid that that doesn't change the fact that what you boys did was wrong. 30 points from Gryffindor and a week's detention each."
"But Professor!" they chorused, outraged,
"No buts, now return to your common room and report to Mr Filch for you detentions at 6 tomorrow." She got up to leave and indicated that they could go; however, as she got up she knocked a pile of papers to the floor and when Remus and James bent down to pick them up she said "20 points each to Gryffindor." before walking out.
The four boys walked back to the common room in shock, "30 points each!" moaned Sirius,
"At least Remus and I gained 40 points"
"That's still 80 points lost, James." Remus pointed out,
"But Remus still has his Prefects badge." Peter added; Sirius clapped him on the shoulder,
"Very true." He beamed at Remus "and did you see Snivellus' face when he saw his harp?" Sirius smiled, obviously reminiscing, "I want to remember that moment for the rest of my life."
"Your wish might be granted if Snape finds you anytime soon." Sirius whirled around and saw Lily Evans with Artis Humphreys; it had been Artis who had spoken.
Sirius grimaced mockingly at her, "I'm more than capable of holding my own against Snivellus thank you."
"Ah, but what about the Snape with a halo and a harp? I'm sure those wings give him an advantage!" Lily joked,
"He'd be like a giant turkey waiting to be plucked," Sirius grinned, looking worryingly half wishful, scanning the air and pretending to shoot a gun at invisible turkeys,
"I'm hungry." Said Peter suddenly, busy imagining turkey sandwiches with bread sauce.
"Me too. Let's go get some food." James decided, looking at Remus, Sirius and Peter, "You coming?"
"You can't!" Lily burst out.
"Why not?"
"Because you already lost points for Gryffindor tonight and you could end up in detention for a month if you're caught." She cried, thoroughly exasperated,
"Well, we'll just not get caught then." James said smugly, Lily glared at his hated cocky smile,
"Fine, some of us actually care about the fact that our House is already in negatives. But if you're going to be selfish…" She turned and stalked away, with Artis hurrying after her,
"Selfish?" James hissed, "Selfish? I'm about to starve to death and she calls me selfish? How am I meant to win back those points if I've died of starvation?" Sirius nodded in agreement with his friend but Remus frowned,
"She's right guys." James glared at him,
"No, she's not. We'll go get some food from the kitchens, we won't be caught and tomorrow we'll win enough points to put us in the lead." He said in determination, walking towards the kitchens,
"Are you guys coming?" He asked over his shoulder. Remus, Peter and Sirius shared a glance, but then the three hurried after their friend. They weren't exactly keen on letting James go alone in his current mood.