Things were tense, and they both knew it. Jane and Lisbon faced away from each other in the elevator; Jane glanced through the reflective wall at Lisbon, whose eyelids were lowered, her hands balled into fists, one of which was clasping the car keys. As they exited the building and walked through the car park towards Lisbon's car, Jane tentatively pulled the keychain from her fingers. She loosened her hand to let them fall, but instantly clamped it up again after. Jane quickly brushed his thumb across the back of her palm before he pulled away and went around to the driver's side of the vehicle.
The car ride was almost as silent as the elevator was. Jane had tried to speak, but before he finished drawing his breath, Lisbon mumbled.
"Don't." Her one simple word was enough to add another tear into Jane's currently battered heart. He didn't bother for the rest of the journey, allowing her time to think. He drove right past the turn off for the Airstream's lot, and continued on to Lisbon's house without asking her. He was not leaving her tonight without having a discussion, without at least trying to work things out, and he knew it was easier at her place, where she couldn't run away from him.
Jane pulled into the driveway, the headlights illuminating the house before them. He twisted the keys out of the ignition, and exited the car. He walked around and opened Lisbon's door for her.
She sat there for a minute, eyes still down, brows furrowed. Just before she got up, Lisbon glanced briefly at Jane, flicking her eyes away so quickly Jane may never have noticed. But he did, and he could see the glassiness of them. He sighed sadly, before closing the door and locking the car. As Lisbon started walking to the stairs, he leaned forward and put the keys back in her hand, folding her fingers over, and then leaned back against the car.
Even though he wasn't leaving without talking, Patrick waited outside. He only moved forward once it was clear that she was letting him in, the door jarred open by the wooden stop. Once he got inside, he walked straight past Lisbon, who was lying on the couch, facing the ceiling, and looked very reminiscent of himself, and into the kitchen. He put water in the kettle and set it on the stove. Jane pulled out two mugs, trying to ignore his shaking hands, trying to act like everything was okay despite his brain being riddled with feelings and anxieties.
As the water boiled, he thought everything over.
He knew that what he was doing was hurtful to Lisbon. That he was making her out as weak, and incapable, and stupid, in front of everyone. That he was, as she had said, not letting Teresa do her job. That being with Lisbon, regardless of whether or not they were in a relationship, meant seeing her at risk. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't help trying to protect her. It was an instinctual habit. Too many people had been hurt because of him, and he wasn't about to let Lisbon, of all people, be the next one.
He loved Lisbon. He loved her so much it hurt - it hurt to love her, because he knew that he couldn't treat her the way he wanted to; he wanted to have her permanently under his watch, so that no one could harm her. So that no one could take her away from him. But that wasn't healthy. He knew that too. Years of deceit and mistrust and lies had turned him into the kind of man he hated to see in others.
Jane sighed. Thinking about this alone was going nowhere. As he finished making his tea, and Lisbon's coffee (despite it being the evening), he spoke, surprised at the waver and crack in his tone.
"Teresa, can you come here, please?" He waited, the house silent, for what seemed like forever, before he heard the sofa creak and her footsteps across the floor. Once she entered the kitchen, Jane could tell that Lisbon was avoiding his gaze, staring at the ground. But, he could also tell that her emotions had changed; she was no longer solely angry, but her face was lined with worry, hurt and sadness. It was enough to make Jane cringe.
He pressed the coffee-filled mug into her hands, but instead of moving back straight away, he first put his warm hands against her cheeks and kissed her forehead, then turned back to his own cup of tea. Finally, Lisbon looked up at him, holding his gaze.
"Thank you," she whispered, although Jane wasn't sure what, specifically, she was thanking him for. So he simply nodded, and, as if it was Liquid Luck, drank a mouthful of tea.
"From the moment I entered a relationship with you, I knew I couldn't lie to you any more. It wasn't fair of me to do so in the beginning, let alone if I were to do it now. And so I wasn't lying when I said I would stop you from doing your job again, just so I could protect you.
"What you have to understand is that I have done this from the day I met you. Even though it wasn't one hundred percent clear then, I knew you were the kind of person I needed in my life to stop me from staying the… the shell of a man I was. I needed to make sure you were always safe whenever I could, because I cannot lose you. That has not changed because we started dating - it is the same thing I have done for the past ten plus years. Now, I care infinitely more. I can't lose another person in my life because I screwed up, because I didn't do everything I could to stop it." Jane shuddered, trying to push away the memories of blood red smiles, both on walls and on faces. He realised he had just blurted out a whole soliloquy without knowing he was doing it. He took a few deep breaths.
"You think I don't feel the same way?" Lisbon scoffed unintentionally. That had come out wrong; despite the anger pent up inside of her, she didn't want to explode. She wanted to have a mature conversation with her partner. She shook her head, and started again. "Do you really think I wouldn't throw my life away to save yours? You think I don't want to protect you, I don't want you to be safe just as much?
"No."
Lisbon frowned. "No what?"
Jane braced for impact. "No, I don't think you care about me the same way I do you."
Her face fell. Lisbon didn't know whether to shout, cry or rip his head off. Instantly, Jane read her face, and he put one hand out as if in defense.
"I'm sorry… I didn't mean it like that, Teresa."
"Then what the hell did you mean, Jane?" Her voice wobbled over his name.
"I have no doubt you love me, that you care about my safety - I have no doubt about any of that. It's just… do you lay awake at night, obsessing over every single detail of each day, assessing what could have gone wrong, what you could have done, what you didn't do? Do you panic every time I take a minute too long to answer a text, just in case something inevitably happened? Are you afraid to let me out of your sight any time there is danger, or even the possibility of danger?" Jane closed his eyes, arms clamped onto the bench. Lisbon knew that this was his walls breaking; he was letting her into his fears and troubles because he couldn't hold them up any longer. He was tired, but he couldn't ever rest.
"Patrick… Red John is gone. He's dead. He can't hurt me." Lisbon put her cup on the bench next to Jane, who turned his head around towards her.
"I know, I know," he said softly. "But that doesn't mean anything to me. There are so many risks, Lisbon, so many ways in which you could get hurt. And I could never live with myself if anything was to happen. That bullet graze on your blazer, that scared the living daylights out of me. It was a reminder that we're constantly playing with fire." Jane shuddered, shaking his head. "You're the only person I have left."
Lisbon fought the urge to soften her tone; she still needed to prove her point, even if her heart was breaking and her anger was ebbing away. "But that is a part of me, Jane. The Law Enforcement is who I am. I try not to look at the risks; I look at the bigger picture, that I'm helping others, that I'm fighting crime, as cliche as it sounds. You need to let me do my job," she repeated.
"You just don't get it, Teresa!" Jane spat, his volume just below a shout. He stood up straight, staring straight at her, his eyes wide and glossy. "As long as you're working on cases, I won't be able to breathe easy."
Lisbon paused, letting the words swirl around in her head. "Are you telling me to quit my job?"
"No, I'm not. But I wish you would."
Lisbon felt the anger build up inside of her again. She shook her head in disbelief. "Jane, you don't get to tell me how to live my life. Just because we're dating doesn't mean you get to control me. A relationship is full of compromises, and you can't force me to hold them all. This is not your sole decision. I know you care about me, and I know why you're doing this, but-"
"You had a murder symbol drawn on your face with blood. You had a bomb on you. You have been in front of a gun more times than I can count. You've been shot at more times than I can remember. You have been wounded. You could have been killed. You had a freaking hole in your blazer!" Jane laughed sadly, bracing back onto the bench. "Teresa, I know what I'm doing is wrong, but you can't tell me that what you're doing is your job. It used to be. But now, it doesn't need to be. You've done enough."
Jane had a point. He was right. It wasn't fair for her to put Jane through all of this, even though it was clear that he needed to be helped on a psychological level. She could admit that she was terrified of every day at work more and more, but she still loved what she did. Lisbon walked over next to Jane, and wrapped her right arm around his left. He looked at her, his face full of pure worry and sadness, looking like a lost child. She nuzzled into his shoulder.
"I love you, Patrick. I'm sorry I'm putting you through all of this… I didn't know how badly it was affecting you." She rubbed her hand along his forearm. "I can't lie to you. I'm scared, more than ever, especially now that we're dating. I don't want anything to happen to you, too, Jane. I just… I guess I never stopped to think about it long enough. I didn't want to. I don't want to, because I want to work in Law Enforcement for the rest of my life."
Lisbon paused, and thought about what she was going to say next. She copied Jane in taking a few deep breaths, and he nodded encouragingly. "We can sort something out. Maybe I don't need to be the front man every single time. If we're seriously considering our future, I… we need to find a more stable branch, for the both of us."
Jane spoke up, his voice quiet now. "Should we talk to Abbott about it?"
Lisbon looked him in the eyes, and nodded. She was scared to move on, but she had said it herself - a relationship is full of compromises. Jane pulled away from the bench and wrapped his arms around her, brushing her hair. They were two different people, but, like a puzzle, they completed each other without realising it.