Linus van Pelt. Oh, what a blessing to this family he is. What a saint. What a wonderful brother he is to me.
What a complete blockhead.
Everyone always comes up to me and tells me how much of an unmatched genius he is. With his never-ending words of wisdom, he has bestowed happiness and joy to all others. It drives me crazy, because in actuality… well, there he is, sulking on the couch. I'll just go up to him and ask him why he's so miserable, and I'll bet he'll say something infinitely stupid.
"What's going on with you?", I ask him.
Linus pulls out a little red flashlight. "They sell these little flashlights in all different colors, see? Some shine blue light, others are red, or yellow, or white, lots of colors!"
"And?"
"They didn't have any that shine black light!"
Voila, ladies and gentlemen! That wasn't an incredibly lucky bet I made, you know. He says brainless things like this all the time! In a way, I never get sick of him! But in another way, I want to ram his head into the wall and choke him to death with his own blanket.
Linus van Pelt couldn't be more embarrassing. He is a freak, a nuisance, and a runt. Not only is he full of stupidity, he's also full of delusions.
Every single Halloween, Linus will spend the entire night sitting in this nearby pumpkin patch, awaiting the emersion of the "Great Pumpkin". What is the "Great Pumpkin", you ask? What is right. Nobody knows. It's just something he made up one day! And then, there's his security blanket, the absolute worst thing about him and the one thing I wish would just get out of my life! He had it when he was a baby and he has had it ever since! Just like a baby, he will cry, beg, faint, vomit, scream, and cry some more if you take it away from him, despite his actual age. These issues seem IMPOSSIBLE to have! How can you be this pathetic!?
Either he is the wettest coward who ever lived, or he's just looking for attention. Or maybe it's both! He is constantly outside talking to others, and he mithers me even when I'm clearly busy reading or something. He picks up all these weird habits that he's so stubborn about and I bet it's just to seem cute and different. And no matter what kind of logic, truth or sense you try to hammer into that thick skull (and trust me, I have HAMMERED that skull), he never becomes any more mature. He's like a sick puppy who ought to be put down.
I can think of another puppy who ought to be put down, too. Maybe if they kill one, they'll kill the other for free.
Or maybe that won't be necessary. Hey, everyone has a future, am I right? Even the sickest and stupidest. Perhaps he can be cured under the right treatment! I have tried to rid him of that stupid blanket before. I even buried it in a completely random area once! Even that wasn't enough, he dug up the whole town looking for it, which is one of many things he has done that has ashamed the family name, an eventually, that other puppy I mentioned earlier found it for him. I need to do something more radical.
Sometimes, the best way to stop yourself from crossing a bridge is to burn it down.
I mean it this time. This is it. I've been wondering how I can put an end to this madness once and for all, and now that our parents are out for at least an hour, I think I know exactly how to do it. It ends tonight, one way or another. So, I put my coat on and unlocked the front door in advance before searching for the little stillborn.
Ah, there he is! Sitting in the beanbag, watching the television, blanket in hand and thumb in mouth. Yeah, he sucks his thumb, too. What a disgusting little creep. You can get crooked teeth by doing that, but a part of me kinda wants to let that happen to him. In any case, one problem at a time! If any of his problems need to be dealt with, it's the one with the blanket.
Eyes glued to the screen. Volume loud enough to render my footsteps silent. Slowly, steady, aaaaand…
GOTCHA!
"AAAUUGH! My blanket!"
As he lunged out of the beanbag, I dashed to the front door with his blanket held tight, and I swung the door wide open. I was greeted by a great big gust of icy wind. It's coming close to dusk, and the year is young, so naturally, it's absolutely freezing! It probably won't be snowing again, but there are still small patches of snow and ice everywhere you look. It's perfect, it's so cold and, although not too late, so much so that everybody will be indoors. No "witnesses", I should say. As I quickly made my way across the road, I look back and see that my stupid brother didn't stop for a second to put on a coat, which will make this little plan of mine more effective.
I dashed straight around the block and into the park, taking Linus exactly where I want him to be, the good ol' pond! Every winter, this pond freezes solid, and all the kids in the neighbourhood come here to skate around and play ice hockey. The surface is still frozen, but you couldn't put a human of any size on it without them falling through. I have plenty of fond memories here, and the fondest I'll ever have is a few seconds away.
Having stopped dead in my tracks, I turn around and see my little brother dashing towards me in blind fury.
"GIVE IT BACK!"
I lifted up my leg and let him run straight into it, kicking him deeper in the stomach than I ever have before. I swear, I felt his liver on the bottom of my foot or something. He bent over in pain and collapsed, hitting his head on the cold soaking ground. Loads of tiny wet rocks stuck to the soft parts of his body, such as his arms and cheeks. I kneeled down beside him, waited for his eyes to open, and punched him as hard as I could across the face. And again. And again. And again. And again.
He didn't make a sound. He probably couldn't. He rolled over and got on his knees, curled up into a ball and waited for the next attack with his arms shielding his head, but there wasn't going to be another. I took a few steps back to let him stand up. Slowly, the whimpering little swine turned his head towards mine. His face was dripping with blood and tears. It took him about 12 seconds to get up on his feet.
"What are you doing?", he wheezed.
I couldn't help but smile and laugh. This is the most pathetic he has ever looked!
"You and that stupid blanket", I told him, for the billionth time. "Do you think you'll be hugging this thing for your whole life?"
"So what if I do!? I have no reason to believe you would care for my well-being anyway! What's it matter to you?"
"You make me look like a failure and a loser with that stupid blanket just as much as you do yourself! You make EVERYONE who knows you feel like a failure and a loser! You'll have no future, and you'll damage everyone else's!"
"It's my property! I can do what I like with my own property! You have no right to take what's mine! If you have a problem with it, you just have to deal with it!"
"Oh, but I am dealing with it. Once, and for all"
"I won't ask again", he says. The nerve of him! "Let GO!"
Considering the direction and the strength of the wind, that was a very poor choice of words!
"Okay, if you say so!"
I waited for just the right moment, and as soon the wind howled, I let go. Off it went! Landing right in the centre of the frozen pond…
"AUUGGHH! What have you done!?", he cries!
"Don't just stand there, go get it!", I yell.
It was the fastest limp I ever saw! And the moment he laid his foot down on the frozen edge, we both heard the sound of pressured ice forming slow-growing cracks underneath the sole of his shoe. He immediately stepped back. Needless to say, it wouldn't be so simple to just "go get it".
Linus just stood there, shocked and unable to speak through paranoid crying. Tears were passing through the blood surrounding his mouth, and sending it down his neck and soaking his collar.
"Now, now, now. Don't look so upset!", I said to him. "This is your chance to make things right! To break this ridiculous habit! You can just walk away from this pond, and outta this park, and I'm sure you'll be cured in no time! I bet you'll look back on yourself and wonder what all the fuss was all about! Nobody needs a security blanket. I mean, it's insane, don't you think? I promise you, you'll be thanking me for this. It's for your own good, not to mention mine! You'll be wondering why you even needed it. Do you even know why? What have you been scared of all this time?"
...
…
Well, well, well…
"Y'know... I think I finally know what the answer to that is…
And let me tell you, that blanket is oh so justified!"
I cracked my knuckles and took one step forward, making sure I trod on one of the last lumps of snow, so he could hear my "chilling" footstep!
Linus made his decision, and it was the one I hoped for. The blockhead ran straight across the ice! He actually managed to make the first two steps. Third time's the charm! He managed the world's shortest scream before his bleeding head went under. Not so logical without that blanket now, are we?
I saw his head pop out from the hole in the ice. His arms reached out and he tried to pull himself out, but the ice he was gripping just broke under his weight, and he sunk again. God knows what it's like in there, I'm freezing cold standing here with my coat on!
I could hear the sound of him gargling through all that terrified splashing, and I don't think I have ever laughed so hard before. Now, I was the one with tears down my cheeks! Have you ever seen a worm drowning and wriggling around in a puddle? I haven't. Until now! I just wish I could be over there to kick him back in again without falling through myself!
"LUCY! HELP ME!" he screamed.
With a coy look on my face, I just shrugged. Even if I wanted to help him, I couldn't. And you know what? It's his own fault anyway. That's the best part of this. He could've just walked back home like any normal person would. But no, he decides to drown in the middle of a frozen pond, with nobody around to hear him crying, or to know that I was involved, and all because he couldn't leave his wittle blankie behind.
Well… It's probably not too late for him, actually. He isn't that far from land. Like I said, it ends tonight, one way or another. Either he gives into his addiction, or he saves himself by beating it, whereupon I'll have to threaten him with the death he avoided if he tells anyone. Tough decision to make, for him at least.
Let's wait and see. He'll have to decide fast, or he'll freeze to death…