"I call bullshit," Cisco said as they unpacked the last of the groceries.

"It's true," Caitlin insisted, closing the refrigerator and folding up the plastic bags.

"Nuh-uh. No way."

She tossed her hair. "Call bullshit as much as you like, Cisco. It's a matter of historical record."

"The vibrator was invented as a medical device?"

"It most certainly was."

"But for, like, sore muscles, right?"

She hummed a little as she went into the living room. "Certainly that's the way it was advertised. And it did deliver massages." She grinned wickedly over her shoulder. "Pelvic massages."

He followed her, of course. He'd follow that smile anywhere, she knew. "You're telling me that old timey doctors used vibrators to get ladies off and then billed them for it?"

"Billed them a lot, too. Many doctors got quite wealthy, doing that."

"So you think I would have made bank."

"From my direct experience of your vibe powers? Yes."

He shook his head. "What the hell kind of illness was that supposed to treat?"

"Oh, all kinds of things. A lot of women's complaints got lumped together under the heading of hysteria and generally considered to be the effect of not having enough sex."

Cisco hooted with laughter. "But, come on, these were the Victorians, right? The same ones who invented corn flakes and graham crackers, two foods so boring that they were specifically designed to keep you from spanking the monkey?"

She widened her eyes at him. "Oh, no, this wasn't the same as masturbation, Cisco. This was very different. This was a medical procedure."

"So, wait. I'm trying to picture this. So, some rich lady would come into her doctor's office." He pressed one hand to his chest and the back of his other hand to his forehead, lisping in a ridiculous falsetto, "Oh, doctor. I'm just feeling so hysterical lately - "

"That's not how she would have put it."

"What would she have said? Oh, doctor, I'm just so incredibly horny?"

She perched herself on the edge of the couch, ankles daintily crossed. "Oh, doctor. I'm just having so many nervous spasms lately. So many fainting spells. And I'm afraid I've been having an alarming number of impure thoughts."

"Okay," he said. "Okay, you had me right up until then." He pointed at her. "Nice run. You really had me going with this whole thing. But pro tip: the impure thoughts was just pushing it a little too far."

She giggled. "Oh, no. That is actual truth. Impure thoughts were considered a sign of hysteria. And excessive vaginal lubrication as well."

"Excessive - what." He sat on the coffee table and studied her face narrowly. "Now, that is too crazypants to make up."

"I wouldn't lie about this."

He snorted. "If you ask me, some old timey doctor figured out he could play with ladies and call it a medical procedure."

"Or," she returned, "Victorian women had to get some attention somehow, and knew a good scam when they saw one." She smoothed her skirt. "Oh, doctor," she murmured. "It's just so distressing. I really can't focus on anything." She fluttered her lashes and took a deep breath, trying to heave her bosom. Judging by Cisco's reaction, she'd succeeded. She waited a few seconds until he looked back up, and breathed, "I'm afraid the symptoms are simply overwhelming."

"Well," he said, playing along. "Ma'am. It sounds like you need another treatment as soon as possible."

"If you say so," she said, biting her lip. She knew, because he'd told her, that it was incredibly distracting to him when she did that, so she made sure to deploy that weapon as intelligently as possible now.

"Why don't you, uh, stretch out on my examining table here … " He gestured at the couch.

She swung her legs up and laid her head on the cushion, smiling at him.

He grinned back, a hot sparkle in his eyes. If there was one thing about Cisco, he was almost always ready to play. "Well, little lady - "

She arched her brow at him. He cleared his throat. "Let's have a look at you, hmm?"

Instead of going for the hem of her skirt, as she half-expected, he brushed her hair back from her face, tracing his fingertips down her neck. "Your pulse is elevated," he murmured.

"Oh, yes," she said, remembering her role as swooning society lady. "These spasms."

He leaned over, bracing his elbow next to her shoulder, weaving his hand through the spill of her hair. The fingers of his other hand trailed lower, along the vee neckline of her cotton sundress. "Why don't you describe what the problem is? For our medical records."

"There's this gentleman, you see."

"Oh?" He touched a kiss to the hinge of her jaw.

She traced the curve of his shoulder. "He's just so maddeningly attractive."

He grinned at her for a moment, then schooled his face into seriousness. "That sounds terrible."

"It is," she said. "I just can't get him out of my mind." She reached up to run her thumb over his lower lip. It curved under her touch. "And he drives me - mad - "

"Mmmm." He kissed down her neck. "Tell me more."

"His mouth," she whispered as he continued the kisses down between her breasts. His hair slipped silky over her skin. "It's just so - active."

"Anything else?"

"His hands. What he can - " She caught her breath as his hand slipped down, down, over her stomach, over her thighs, to the hem of her skirt. "What he can do with his hands. It defies description."

He traced a circle around her kneecap, and then his fingers snuck under cloth and crept slyly up her thigh. "Something like this?"

"Something - like." She sighed and let her knees fall apart. "It's all so terribly distracting."

He lifted his head to smile at her. "I can see how it would be."

She shifted her hips, silently urging his fingers toward her center. "Do you see what - oh." She caught her breath as his fingertips slid under the elastic of her underwear and flicked expertly across her clit. "What I mean about excessive vaginal lu-lubrication?"

"I certainly can feel it," he murmured. "Hmmm. This is a really advanced case." He nuzzled her ear. "Very serious. I think I should bring in my new device."

A low pulse of vibration from his fingers sent pleasure shimmering through her body. She let out a shuddering sigh. "Oh. That - that might do."

"Might do? How about this?" The vibration increased, and she squealed.

"Sorry, didn't catch that," he asked politely. "Would you like me to stop?"

"No," she whimpered, clutching his knee. "No, don't."

He turned his head to kiss her mouth, and she arched into his touch, pressing her foot to the armrest of the couch for leverage. He kept his hand between her legs, and added more pulses of intense vibration. She curled her fingers in his hair, opening her mouth to his tongue, whimpering as he changed patterns just to make her crazy.

"How's that?" he murmured against her neck. "Is that having the desired effect?"

"Yes," she breathed, throwing her head back. "Yes, yes, oh - " She'd forgotten the game, the pretense, even the history lesson. All she knew was that she teetered on the edge of climax, squirming, whimpering, fingers digging into his shoulders in a silent demand.

He answered it, pressing his thumb onto her clit, and the sudden pressure threw her over the edge. A series of cries forced their way out of her throat along with the pleasure that slammed in waves through her.

He didn't stop until she went limp, and then he kissed her softly, stroking her thighs, her knees, her hips, her stomach, her cheeks as she sighed.

"How's that? You think the treatment was effective?"

She opened her eyes to see him smiling at her. "I feel so much better already."

He grinned so big that his eyes squeezed closed, and she kissed that grin until it softened into a return kiss.

She lay back, running her eyes over him. "Oh, but doctor. You look positively flustered right now. Are you quite well?"

He let out his breath. "I'm - I'm feeling a little hysterical, if you want to know the truth."

She laughed and slid her hand up his thigh, to where his erection tented his cords. "Good thing I'm a doctor, too."

FINIS