Title: HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU?
Author: dmcintoshtx
Fandom: Brokeback Mountian
Rating: R
Genre: slash
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx; not me!
Summary: Ennis tries to come to grips with losing Jack.
Inspiration: Lee Ann Rimes song of the same name.
HOW DO I LIFE WITHOUT YOU?
What am I supposed to no now, Bud? How am I gonna get through this
one? I done everythin I was supposed to. I stayed away. Kept you
away most the time. Didn't never once do anythin so's no one would
suspect. Couldn't stand the thought of puttin you in danger and it
didn't do no good. They still got you.
It's bad my friend. Bad'er than you could imagine. Wish I coulda
been there for you. I woulda fought beside you till my last breath.
I hope you know that.
I keep thinkin on some of the stuff you said. Shit, Jack. I can
close my eyes and hear your voice. Sounds so real. Tellin me it
could be like this always. I was so scared and you knew it. You
knew all slong, didn't you? You knew I wanted to be in that tent
with you but I was just too scared. I ain't never had
those...feelin's before and I know I'll never will again. Don't
want 'em. Not with nobody else.
It's so cold and lonely here now. I ache all over thinkin 'bout
you. Wonderin how it would have been if I'd just gone off with you
the first time you asked. Shoulda done it.
If doin right hurts this much, I ain't gonna never do no more right
again! Can't think straight no more. Whiskey's gettin to me. It'll
take me one day and I'll be goin willingly. Won't be fightin that
fight. I miss you so much even tho we never did get to spend all
that much time together, what time we did have was pure heaven.
Never knew it could be like that. I often think on that little cow
and calf place you always talked 'bout. It surely would have been
nice, Bud. I'm sorrier than I can say that I been such a coward.
I never feared nothin like that before. Guess I didn't handle it too
good, did I? I just never faced nothin that put my whole world in
danger before. You, me, my girls. I was terrified for all a us.
Couldn't bear the thought a my wantin you puttin us all in mortal
danger.
I went to see your folks and found them shirts. Made me shake all
inside knowin you kept them all those years. Don't know why you did
that. Don't know why I do it either but I got 'em, Bud. Right
here in my closet now and I look at 'em every day and think when we
was wearin them and swingin on each other that day. Those were
strange times for me cause I couldn't think things out; couldn't make
no sense of what was happenin. You knew that too, didn't ya. You
didn't push me none. Just kept on tellin me it was OK and it wasn't
nobody's business but ours. You were right. I shoulda listened to
you.
So here I am alone. Cryin in my drink and wishin I coulda been
there along side you so they'd taken us both cause they killed me
just the same when they took your last breath.
So what do I do now? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How do I
do it, Jack Twist? How do I live without you?
The End